Sunday, January 31, 2010

Facebook is for Babies

So, are FetLife and Blackbox Republic the only adult social networking sites? They may very well be.

Given that My Erotic Adventure (my new choose-your-own styled erotica) has been published, I thought I'd create a small banner ad to be run on Facebook. Their targeting is great - I chose people between the ages of 18-60, any relationship status, any gender, who included in their profiles the following tags: choose your own adventure, choose your own adventure books, erotic, erotica, i love sex, kink, kinky, middle night sex, morning sex, sex, or sex sex sex more sex.

Seems pretty much like the ideal crowd for a choose-your-own erotic novel, eh?

Well, Facebook has denied my ad for "Adult content, including nudity, sexual terms and/or images of people in positions or activities that are excessively suggestive or sexual, or provocative images in violation of community standards."

So I can target people whose profiles exhibit an interest in "sex sex sex more sex," but not with adult content. Incongruous, much?

Where do the grown-ups play? And more to my point - when do we get to be grown-ups anyway? Are we so fragile that the mere mention of sex must be shoved down and hidden at every opportunity? God forbid an 18 year old young woman should read the word "threesome," her whole world might melt.

What I'm perceiving here is a huge disconnect between the world we actually LIVE in and the one in which we're supposed to pretend to exist. According to data from the CDC gathered in 1995, 70.4% of women whose periods had begun had engaged in penile-vaginal intercourse by the age of 19.

70.4% - 15 years ago! You've got to believe that this statistic has increased - particularly when you include other forms of sexual interaction.

That is the world we actually live in. The world that Facebook would like you to think we live in is one in which "adult content" must be shielded from the eyes of the public, even those of consenting age. I understand that they've got to draw the line somewhere, and they have the right to their policies.

But I'm talking about a conversation. About sex. Words... words that discuss a powerful aspect of what it means to be a human being. Where ignorance lives, danger lies, my friends. As long as we are not free to educate ourselves about our sexuality, and to share our knowledge freely with those who could benefit, we are not truly free.

PLEASE share this with as many people as you can. And share my book! This is the work of my life - creating a world where we can be free to have conversations... even about sex.


M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

Ultimate Fellatio Tip #4 - Rough It Up

Argh! Grrrrr!!

Imagine my black lab shaking her tug toy back and forth while I chant, "Kill it! Show it who's boss!"


Well, maybe we don't need to go that far, but did you know that some penises like it rough as well? Stroking and sucking is nice, and you don't usually want to try to bend an erect penis in half, but you also don't have to treat is like a rare Faberge egg.


Results will vary, and I recommend asking before you start down this path. Nonetheless, some like it rough. Here are four techniques for being less than gentle, only to be used with permission of the owner:

  • Squeezing - They're kinda squishy, right? So squeeze them. Press his penis between your palms, or wrap your fingers around his dick, make a fist, and squeeze... tight. Then start stroking, or...
  • Pulling - Grab hold and tug. Don't pull the balls and penis in opposite directions, as that can be painful and cause damage, but penises have some great flexibility, particularly when they're flaccid. She how long you can make it - it's like taffy!
  • Smacking - Soft or hard, you can smack his penis against the palm of your hand, against his own abdomen, against your pussy... the options are nearly endless.
  • Biting - Teeth are not always a turn-off! I suggest taking him fully into your mouth and biting at the base, then occasionally on your way back up. This is distinct from scraping your teeth - you should probably ask about that first as well - and you're not trying to bite him off. You can, however, also approach him from the side and nip or bite across the length of his penis.
It's not for everyone, but if he likes it rough, you'll know.


M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Beiter Sexuality Preference Indicator

I've been researching the state of the world around relationships and sexuality, my commitment being that all people are free to choose and free to live the style of intimate relationship that inspires them. I'll make a full report once I have enough data to look at trending over the last several years.

What I have come to discover is that there's very little research available on alternative and sex-positive communities such as swingers, fetishists, sacred sexuality practitioners, polyamorists, kinksters, etc. This is not too much of a surprise - I edited the newsletter for CARAS, the Community-Academic consortium for Research of Alternative Sexualities. I know there's a dearth of data.

At the same time, I've recently come across a coaching tool that I think could lend itself nicely to gathering fairly deep data on the state of mind and preparedness for action around sexuality in relationships. Add some demographic stratifiers and I've got something worth while. I'll keep you informed.

In the meantime, a friend has put me onto the Beiter Sexuality Preference Indicator. This online, 90-question test was developed to help individuals to better understand their own sexual preferences. Copying directly from the site, "The categories include:

Partner Orientation – defined as the ways in which a person likes to initiate or be initiated into sexual activity;

Arousal – defined as the ways in how one gets “in the mood” for sexual activity;

Pleasure – defined as the ways in which an individual experiences sexual energy in their intimate relationships; and

Routine – as defined as the ways in which you like to experience your sexual encounters."

It is also a world-wide data-gathering project that I absolutely want to support. Fun and intriguing as it should be, please take some time to complete the confidential test.

More soon,
Makael


M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Educational Sex Mannequins

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,531963,00.html

I am about to go out of town until next week, and I thought I'd offer this bit of educational entertainment before I disappear. This story came out last summer - an exhibit of naked manequins designed to educate people on erogenous zones and sexual technique (among other things), at least one of which lets you know when you get it right!

When can we get this exhibit locally?!

If you had a mannequin to teach you, what would you like to learn more about?


M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

Sex Addiction - Does it exist?

I received a wonderful inquiry in response to my recent newsletter. It follows:

----
"Do you really think that there is such a thing as sex addiction (in reference to the Tiger Woods piece)?

I don't. I think it is just something else drummed up by people looking to create clients for themselves. I am of the opinion that when a person has to ingest a substance such as drugs or alcohol in order to feel good, that can be properly defined as an addiction, because a foreign substance has to be ingested to bring on an altered state.

However, we were all born with the built in mechanism to experience sexual pleasure and orgasm. We can access it any time we want and we do not even have to have a partner to have an orgasm. So it is my opinion that activating the sexual pleasure mechanisms within ourselves is a natural ability we were born with, and this is a natural function of our own body, not an addiction.

It is my observation that people who are not comfortable with their own sexuality and their own sexual pleasure take the point of view that people who enjoy their sexuality frequently and without guilt have something wrong with them.

Are you of the opinion that there is such a thing as sex addiction?"
----

Excellent question. I don't believe in sex addiction in the way it is discussed in common society, but I define addiction differently than the inquirer.

I do believe that if someone pursues sex or is consumed by thoughts of sex to the detriment of his/her functional life - ex: blowing off healthy social relationships and/or business meetings, emptying one's financial resources, etc. - that they probably suffer an addiction. There are people who are sex addicts (find your local meeting of SAA), just as there are people addicted to gambling (also a behavior instead of a chemical), but my understanding is that true sex addiction is relatively rare.

Tiger Woods, for example, does not outwardly appear to be an addict. He appears to have maintained a successful professional life, and a successful personal life until this became public. However...

Does sex fill his every waking thought? Does he barely overcome that uncomfortable condition in order to main the semblance of normalcy? Is it a compulsion such that when he's travelling he must have a woman in his bed every single night? Those are some of the things that would lead me to think "addiction."

Now, the way that society uses the term "sex addict" to refer to anyone who enjoys a lot of sex and allows themselves to have it - that is inaccurate, IMHO.

----
What are your thoughts on sex addiction?
Where do you draw the line between addiction and a healthy, if non-traditional, sex drive?


M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Faulty Definition - Spoiled

What is your impression when someone says, "She's so spoiled?"

If you're like me, and the comment's directly about You, you might get a little defensive. "No, I'm not!" Consider that an emotional response - defensiveness, in this case - implies an attachment, a fear that indeed what has been said may be true. The following story will illustrate one example of correcting a faulty definition.

I realized today that I'd misunderstood the term "spoiled," and had created my own personal meaning, when my fiance applied it to our dog.

"She's not spoiled!" I automatically responded, closely followed by, "Okay, yes, she is. But she's also very well-behaved, and incredibly sweet and loving." And then I thought, "She's like me! Very well cared for, but sweet, and generous, and ... aha! Not at all bratty."

Step 1)
I had taken the meaning of "spoiled brat" and collapsed it into the word "spoiled." That was my first linguistic error.

Now, having removed "bratty" from the equation, any guilt I had felt about "being spoiled" by my generous family (my father paid off my first car when I went back to school; my family contributed over $20K to the purchase of my first home; etc.) has been removed. I have detached the meaning of bratty from the word "spoiled," and I have a new freedom to receive gifts and allow myself to be "spoiled" without guilt.

Step 2)
Now wait a minute... What is the meaning of "being spoiled" anyway?

The following paragraphs were copied from
Wikipedia:

"Although it is not an official diagnosis in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, the spoiled child syndrome was identified and described by Bruce McIntosh in 1989.[4] The syndrome is characterized by
"excessive, self-centered, and immature behavior". It includes lack of consideration for other people, recurrent temper tantrums, an inability to handle the delay of gratification, demands for having one's own way, obstructiveness, and manipulation.[5] McIntosh attributed the syndrome to "the failure of parents to enforce consistent, age-appropriate limits", but others, such as Aylward, note that temperament is probably a contributory factor.[2]

It is important to note that the temper tantrums are recurrent. McIntosh observes that "many of the problem behaviors that cause parental concern are unrelated to spoiling as properly understood". Children may have occasional temper tantrums without them falling under the umbrella of "spoiled".
Extreme cases of spoiled child syndrome, in contrast, will involve frequent temper tantrums, physical aggression, defiance, destructive behaviour, and refusal to comply with even the simple demands of daily living.[2]"

Reading this definition and example, it is clear to me that I had created my own meaning for the term. Unlike the behavioral aspects of someone who has "been spoiled rotten," the word spoiled has been used in my experience, as with our dog, to refer to anyone who has received considerable generosity or lived a life free of major hardship on a regular basis. This was my second linguistic error, the implication being that living in hardship was the only valid way, and one should feel guilty for a life of ease (unless one works really hard for it).

(We can have a whole other conversation about how self-sabotaging that thought process is, and how it does our society infinitely more harm than good. I'm personally swearing off of the word spoiled unless it is scientifically accurate, as in, "The milk is spoiled!")

Furthermore, applying this definition, when anyone says that I'm spoiled, I can be very clear that I'm not, and in the space of such clarity, there's no upset, frustration, or defensiveness. I am NOT spoiled, so there's nothing to defend!

Tip:
When you get upset, consider that you may have created a faulty definition. Go to the dictionary and look it up - you might be surprised at what you find.

Bonus question:
Have you discovered faulty definitions in your life and how did they impact you?


M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

Friday, January 8, 2010

Anal Sex for the First Time - Part 2

In Part 1 of this series we discussed conversations, expectations, and physical preparation in advance of the event. As promised, and with the disclaimer that these are simply my suggestions, and that I suggest that you read some additional articles and/or books on the topic, here are some suggestions for how to engage in anal sex for the first time.
  • Warming up the ass
Many first-timers are very sensitive about their assholes. We've been culturally and societally conditioned that anal contact is dirty, nasty, bad and wrong. But do you know how many nerve endings are back there?!

To acclimate a sensitive partner to anal contact, begin with licking on and around the receiving partner's anus. If he/she has observed the hygiene guidelines from Part 1, it won't taste bad. After licking and penetrating with your tongue, you can move to fingers on the outside of the anus. Apply a gentle pressure and lightly rub the area.
  • Lube, lube, lube…
As soon as you're ready to penetrate with fingers, add some lube. Spit is okay, but an actual lube is much better. I recommend staying away from lubes like Anal-Ese or Anal-Eze, anything with a numbing agent in it. Sure, it sounds like a helpful idea, but I'd rather feel what's going on with my body than be numbed and hurt myself.

NOTE - Do NOT touch the actual opening of your bottle of lube with the fingers you've had in someone's ass unless you will only use that lube in that person's ass from here out. Otherwise you risk contaminating the contents, or so I've been told. Just hold the outside of the bottle and drip it onto your fingers, or use a pump bottle. And wipe the bottle down afterward, please.

Anal lubes are generally thicker than vaginal lubes, and while Astroglide Gel has been recommended, I find that it gets sticky too quickly. You might try the Astroglide Glycerin. Personally, I like Pjur. It's my favorite everything lube. Pjur also makes AnalyseMe! and Back Door, for women and men respectively, but I haven't tried them. (I've ordered them though out of my commitment to provide the very best possible information for you... tee hee.)

It's also important to 'push' lube into your partner's ass instead of only slathering it on yourself or your strap-on. That said, holy crap, look what I found! Despite my feelings about Astroglide Gel, that's too cool. Using another product though, just continually add lube as you do the following...
  • Graduated stages
Start with a pinkie finger slowly inserted and pull to the sides of the anus, stretching the sensitive flesh. In, stretch, out, in, stretch, out. Soon you can move to an index finger, in, stretch, out, in, stretch, out. You may be able to try two fingers at the same time, it depends on your partner's comfort level. Toys, such as butt plugs, are also great tools for slowly loosening up your partner. And a little extra vibration can be nice too, so consider the battery operated versions. For men, there's prostate massage. But I'll write a full blog post on that another time…
  • Ready for the show?
Lube up and go slowly! In and hold. In further and hold. Give your partner time to adjust before pulling out again - the combination of width and friction can be overwhelming. Again, take it slowly to start, and be sensitive to the receiver's response. One trick you can use is that if she/he is very sensitive, to the point of pain, you can try adding additional stimulation by pinching the nipples or using a vibrator on her clit. But again, another post in the future…

It may be a little messy when you pull out, though not too much. Get over it.
  • Reminder - You don't have to do it all in one night!
The first attempt may be simply that... an attempt, a fact-finding mission. You may only get as far as fingers in this session, and that needs to be okay with you. Adding the extra emotional pressure of your disappointment in the receiver's abilities will often ensure that he/she feels that disappointment before the next session even begins. It's a system for decreasing returns. Take on that however far you get is GREAT! And then take steps to encourage additional results in the future, like training, lube, or additional communication.

With planning, patience, and sensitivity, anal sex can be a wonderful experience for everyone involved!


M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com


Anal Sex for the First Time - Part 1

I recently had a client who was considering trying anal sex for the first time. During the course of our discussions, I realized that I had a lot to say about it, so here we go...

This first blog will cover pre-sex preparation and negotiations. Part 2 will discuss the physicality of the act itself.

First, for the penetrators - you can't just slap on some lube and ram it in there and expect a good result with an anal virgin. That's a fairly sure way to guarantee that you never get to go there with that partner again. (Unless she/he is a masochist!) Taking some thoughtful steps in advance will set you both up for a successful and satisfying experience.
  • Proper Hygiene
It's the rare person who's attracted to an ass that smells like… ass. Proper hygiene will ease the emotional tension when engaging in ass play for the first time.

Obviously, wash thoroughly. You might even use a warm water enema several hours in advance of intended play. You can by an enema or douche set-up at any good pharmacy - a bag that hangs from your shower head with a hose and nozzle.

Use warm water, hot enough but not scalding, and fill the bag. It's not necessary in most situations to add anything to the water. Insert the nozzle (they're smooth, it won't harm you), and release the clamp on the hose a little bit. You'll see the bag deflating, and you'll feel the water filling you up. If you get a cramp, stop the flow. If you've never had an enema before, don't try to flood a whole bad of water into your butt in one go. This is not a race, and you don't have to use the whole bag full! Listen to your body and err on the side of caution.

Once you've finished filling yourself up, remove and wash the nozzle, let the bag drain, and get out of the shower. Try to keep the water in for as long as you can. You'll feel the urge to defecate, that internal pressure that says you've gotta go Now. Try to keep it in for as long as you can, which allows the warm water to soften any backed up stool, but when you can't take it any more, expel it into the toilet. Flush a couple of times during this process. It could take 10+ minutes - have a book on hand.

Again, do this several hours in advance! Periodic leakage after an enema is common as the water works it's way fully back out.

For the penetrating partner, I suggest and request that you trim and file your nails and moisturize your hands, or get a manicure. There's nothing like a scratchy fingernail and rough skin rasping one's sensitive anal tissues - yikes.

When playing with women, there must be NO direct anal to vaginal penetration! Either use a condom in the ass and strip it off before entering her vaginally, or (even better) give yourself a thorough wash before moving to the vagina. The bacteria from the anal channel can cause one hell of a vaginal infection, or a bladder infection, and neither one is particularly fun.
  • What are your intentions?
One sure way to ruin an otherwise successful session is to jump into it without setting a common intention in advance. If partner A thinks this is just an opportunity to "test the waters" while partner B thinks this is a full-on, mind-blowing, ass-fucking session… well, you can see the potential for disappointment, blame, upset, frustration, etc.

Discuss in advance what you'd each like to see happen during this session. In general, I recommend agreeing to the desires of the least adventurous party, and letting things stop there for the time being. He or she can always renegotiate to go further when that boundary is reached.

I also recommend that either partner be able to call a full-stop at any time. Of course, I always think this is advisable, but in this case it's particularly important to speak it aloud.
  • To orgasm or not to orgasm…
As part of the negotiations, I recommend discussing whether or not it's important that one or both parties achieve orgasm. It may be fine that you simply have a great experience without orgasm, or it may be important to one or both that someone cums. Does it have to happen during penetration? Can you add some toys to the mix? Be open to detaching the need for orgasm from the anal sex itself for this event - consider causing an orgasm through another method if there's pain or fear and anxiety present. You decide what works for both of you.
  • Anal Training - The Butt-Plug is Your Friend
Wearing a butt plug will help to tone your anal muscles and condition your anal sphincters (yes, there are two) to loosen up more quickly and allow for easier penetration. There are some small starters out there, and some intermediate sizes. You'll notice that they have rectangular bases. That's so you can walk while you wear them - the narrow length fits between your butt cheeks, while the length of the longer side helps guarantee that nothing's going to "slip inside" unexpectedly. (That's why I recommend using a real butt plug instead of something scavenged from the household.)

Here's one that's inflatable and made specifically for training, and here's one that has a vibrator inside! Wearing for an hour or three at a time, daily or every other day, will help make the session easier. Don't try to wear it overnight to start with, but you might wear it during non-anal sex, which adds some fun stimulation for both parties!

Again, Part 2 of this blog will give some how-to suggestions for the sex itself.

Recommended Reading:


M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

Monday, January 4, 2010

The Administrator Wins One

If you know someone who moderates or administers and on-line community, send them this article with a big Thank You!

Apparently, a Seattle man has been charged with "intent to bomb" after posting a threatening and unstable rant on Fetlife.com, one of the sites that I recommend as a safe place to read, chat and learn for those who are new and curious about the many faces of kink. The administrator of the site caught his post and alerted police. Hooray!

I also have to point out, as someone who's been a member of Fetlife since shortly after they went live, the majority of the members are wonderful, friendly, and sane individuals! I'm glad that the admin flagged this guy with the police (and hopefully booted him off the site as well). This is the kind of looney who makes it difficult for the rest of us kinky folk.

Lastly, I'm relieved that he was apprehended without incident, and I hope he gets the mental health support that he clearly needs.

Just say no to bombs, people.



M. Makael Newby, 2010 - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

Sunday, January 3, 2010

The Top 10 Sexual Stories of 2009

Please click here: Contexts to read an interesting article profiling the top 10 sexual stories of 2009.

Given my own personal rant about the Tiger/Elin debacle, I felt it worth sharing with y'all. To quote Shari Dworkin, Associate Professor of Social & Behavioral Sciences at University of California, San Francisco, from an article she wrote about TW's indiscretions, "But very little media coverage attempts to press beyond an individual level and not many articles offered a much needed broader analysis of masculinity, race, sport, sexuality, and media."

Here here! Enjoy the perspective, and Happy 2010!


M. Makael Newby, 2010 - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

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