Monday, October 11, 2010

Coming Out Day... my personal story.

In honor of Coming Out Day, I thought I'd share the most entertaining story of when I "came out" as kinky to my family.

I believe that it was Christmas day, possibly in 2004 or 2005, and if it wasn't Christmas day, it was damn close, and it makes a better story this way, so work with me here. By that point I'd already had my first Dominant boyfriend. He'd been a fiance, actually, and I had hinted about this or that to my parents. As an only child, we've always been very close, and it goes against my grain to keep major elements of my life hidden from them. Nonetheless, we'd not had a major conversation about it, as you can guess.

My Mom, step-Dad, and maternal Grandmother were visiting from Peoria, IL and we'd sat down after the gift giving and receiving, had a lovely meal, and were hanging about in the living room of my first house and generally chatting about life. I mentioned a course that I was taking, and the associated project I'd had an idea to create.

"It's a class, of sorts," I said, "a series of classes."

"What about?" they asked.

"Are you sure you want to know?" I asked, preparing to risk whatever response came my way.

They were, after all, guests in my very own house, and could return to their hotel room if it was just simply too much. I come from a fairly liberal family, pro-racial equality, gender equality, and anti-animal cruelty, so I was fairly sure that my Mom would take it in stride. My step-Dad and Grandma were the rogue factors.

"Of course," they replied.

"Well," I said, "It's called Pillow Talk, and it's a series of group discussions about sexuality that I'd like to get into the colleges. You know, what it means to be a sexual being, how much more is involved than the physical and biological aspects of it. One of the workshops is called '31 Flavors of Kink' and discusses all kinds of sex toys. Another one discusses alternative lifestyle choices like swinging and polyamory, and one discusses BDSM... do you know what that means?"

*Hold breath!*

"Um, no."

"Well, BDSM is an acronym for three different communities that cross-pollinate a lot - Bondage & Discipline, Dominance & submission, and Sadism & Masochism, which you've likely heard referred to as S&M," I said, launching into an esoteric education on the basic dynamics and elements of the BDSM world.

"Hmmm!" they said, expressing appropriate levels of polite interest and discovery.

Now came the personal plunge.

"I, for example, have recently come to discover a side of myself that is clearly submissive! In fact, I only made sense to myself and realized that I wasn't broken when I discovered that this is a valid lifestyle choice."



"And what does that mean?" ASKED MY GRANDMOTHER!

"Well," I said, "it means that I particularly enjoy a dynamic with my romantic and intimate sexual partners where they are in control, and I may even be ordered to perform certain tasks on their command. Somehow, the giving up of control, or rather, relief from having it, provides something that is very satisfying to me."

"So how might that work?" ASKED MY GRANDMOTHER, again.

"Well, there are certain implements one might use..." I explained, and proceeded to discuss floggers, bondage, sensation play, role play, etc.

Perhaps 30 minutes later we took a break. Perhaps we took a snowy walk around the neighborhood to look at the lights - honestly I can't remember. What I DO remember is that later that evening, while I was washing the dishes, my grandmother popped her head around the edge of the doorway and said to me, "You are SO cool!" and then left the room again.

She sent me a letter a few weeks later, sharing with me the story of a time when my grandfather was traveling and another man had flirted with her, and possibly proposed a romantic interlude. The details remain unclear in my mind, and I'm satisfied to leave them that way. The point was that she saw something of herself in me, and to this day she continues to be one of my biggest fans.

My step-Dad continues to be proud of me for following my own path, as does my actual Dad. My Dad got a bit confronted a few years back when, during a camping trip together, I showed him how to daisy-chain the backpack rope like we do with bondage rope. BUT it provided an opportunity for him to share his concerns that I'm putting myself in dangerous situations, and for me to correct his misconceptions and alleviate his fears as much as an only daughter can. It is not something he chooses to discuss, ever, but I am not pressured to hide my life, and THAT is a gift.

So happy Coming Out Day to all who have, to all who will, and to all for whom it remains a fear. May your families surprise you with their love and acceptance, and may you accept Yourself, no matter their response.


M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved -