Sunday, November 14, 2010

How not to end up in court.

I find myself compelled to discuss the following article about a trial in progress against a BDSM Master, accused by a slave who has - since her accusation - moved back in with him. Oy Vey!

Let's look at what it means to be a slave. To quote from the 5-page negotiation contract that she signed, "By signing this slavery contract, it is agreed that slave gives up all rights to her own person in every manner, and that Master takes entire possession of slave as property.” This is one of the primary distinctions between being a submissive and being a slave.

Submissives can request renegotiation, or even say no, though there will likely be consequences to such a strong action. A slave, by most definitions, has willingly given up the right to negotiate and to refuse, and has expressly turned over his or her well-being to the Master/Mistress in whatever way is negotiated in the terms of the contract. Thus, when "Prosecutors allege he acted illegally because she did not consent that time to being handcuffed and beaten," it is clear that the prosecutors do not understand the Master/slave (M/s) dynamic. As a slave, her permission is not given on a "this time" vs. "that time" basis. She has agreed to become his property, and he can do with his property what he wishes.

That said, this is why it is SO important not to rush into an M/s contract. Giving up one's rights is no small matter - the only way for a slave to get free used to be to Run Away! Today, in the modern free world, it may be that a consensual slave can change his/her mind and break the contract, but this is emotionally a BIG deal for all involved, and nothing to bandy about as a regular back-up plan. It is imperative that one takes the time to get to know the Master/Mistress fully, and to be explicitly clear in the negotiation what is and is not to be agreed to in the contract.

For example, "Prosecutors say he was angry because she wanted to end their relationship after catching him having sex with another woman in a nightclub's parking lot." Did their contract state that "Master may engage in sexual activity with whomever he chooses with or without slave's knowledge?" It may have been implied, but if clearly stated, she had given up her right to get upset, or to use that as an excuse to void the contract.

Additionally, beating one's partner out of anger is always a challenging situation, even when she/he has relinquished the right of refusal. There's no more I can say about that.

So in February she "told friends, an emergency room nurse and doctor, a police sergeant and a police detective that Wise attacked her." Also, she "neither told police nor the doctor about her lifestyle because she was embarrassed." Now she say that it was consensual, and she denies the attack.

Now he's on trial. Excuse me, but WHAT DID SHE THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!

We have GOT to come out of the closet, people! We like what we like. Society will only get re-educated one person at a time, and it starts with each one of us opening up to someone.

It is VERY important when you're involved in any kind of consensual play dynamic that could leave bruising or marks to out yourself to your doctors! They are required, by law, to notify 'the authorities' when they see signs of possible physical abuse. Said conversation might go like this:

"Hi Doc. I want to make you aware that I engage in consensual BDSM, which means that I may occasionally show up with bruises, scrapes, or burns (or whatever result given the manner of kink you enjoy). Again, this is consensual, and I do not want you to worry or notify the authorities without asking me about it first. I promise that I will tell you if it was against my wishes. Do we have a deal?"

Furthermore, you now have an opening to educate your doctor if he/she has questions, and that is a service for the whole community! My doctor said, "I only care that you're healthy and happy. If you say you are, we're good." AWEsome.

Now, RE: her choice to go to the cops... Perhaps it WAS abuse. M/s relationships are complex emotional constructs. Perhaps she was emotionally triggered at the thought that he might be "cheating on her," and perhaps he lost his control and beat her out of anger. If that was outside the negotiated realm of their contract, it may have constituted non-consensual abuse. If that is so, I'm glad she took the step to get support. (In which case, one must wonder about her mental state since she's chosen to return to her "abuser.")

There are too many unknown details to say much more, only that:
1) it's unfortunate that people may draw false assumptions about the BDSM lifestyle & it's participants from this case,
2) yes - it's a very complex system of relationship, and
3) it is dangerous, given our current legal system, when either party brings in outside influences without fully considering the consequences.

I wish both parties a successful outcome.

M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved -

Thursday, November 4, 2010

A story worth reading

Sorry, y'all, not a new blog just yet, but I MUST share this link with you. This is a blog post from a mother, about her 5 y.o. son and the reaction of several other mothers to her son's choice of Halloween costume. He decided to be Daphne, from Scooby Doo.

PLEASE read and share this. Bullying is, at least to some extent, learned from the parent's intolerance.

Happy November,