Thursday, August 11, 2011

Our Exorcism

This blog entry may seem off-topic from most of my entries, so skip it if you're a kink, poly and relationship purist! ;)

Nonetheless, it's true - my husband and I performed an exorcism of our house this morning. Or rather, we performed one or more rituals to exorcise from our house whatever dark energies have been feeding on and impacting us for the last several months.

Now, I don't usually put much stock in these things. I may use the word "God," but to me it means 'some higher benevolent universal energy or intelligence.' I don't believe in traditional depictions of Jesus, Heaven or Hell, or in Evil, for that matter. I consciously
choose to believe in reincarnation, because that empowers me to do what I'm doing here on this planet NOW. And, it's a conscious choice, not a matter of blind faith.

In general, as a recovered Atheist, I also don't believe in blind faith! I listen to my heart, though, and follow what feels right to me. It has led me on some amazing adventures, and into a life I never imaged. But that's not the point right now...
Do I believe in ghosts? Sometimes, it entertains me to do so. Have I ever seen one? I don't think so. Have I seen evidence of some unexplainable stuff? Ah-yup. So let's say that I'm open to unconventional explanations as long as they feel right or resonate with me.

Now, I'll admit, our relationship wasn't perfect before we got married - we are human, and each have our own triggers, and our own histories and indoctrinations to manage. (Is a relationship between two human individuals ever truly Perfect for more than a few seconds here or there? Maybe during simultaneous orgasms... *wink!*) Nonetheless, we were managing them successfully, and were present to our deep love, commitment, and partnership with one another. Then we got married, and things slowly began slipping.

He got more and more violent, more paranoid, likely to rage out at one misconstrued phrase, and more likely to blame me for "everything that's wrong." I became more easily triggered as well, more defensive, snippy, and jumpy. I became a victim in my heart, extremely reactive, and descended into a swirl of confusion... "Should we remain married?" "Am I broken?" "Is this hopeless?" "Can I handle this?" "Should I leave? or Should I stay?!" and "What would happen to our animals?!"

Now, if you've known me in person, then you know that THIS is not me! I am NOT a timid, scared, victim, doubting my own ability to make a difference with myself or anyone else, and that finally hit home two nights ago.

I crawled into bed next to Q and said something about what's been going on, and he said, "I seriously don't think this is US. Whatever we've been processing, it's not OURS."

And just like that - the fog of oppression lifted, and I saw a star in the sky of my mind, the glimmer of hope and the promise of restoration. And I got ferocious in reclaiming what is truly MINE.

I said, "NO KIDDING! This is NOT ours, not You, and not Me! I've never experienced this before, and this wasn't us in Colorado. Hell, if this IS us, we're out, because this is intolerable. But I don't think this is ours..."

And Q said, "I think there's something in the house."

Here's what you should know about our house... it was a meth house before our landlord bought and renovated it. And here's something else of interest - Q went through the worst suicidal depression of his entire life in Oct./Nov. 2009, during the first 8 weeks he lived here. When we look back, the abuser/abused patterns we've been playing out really hit home after we got married in Sept. 2010. Since then, I've twice been overcome by the emotions and reactions of someone's who's been sexually abused, and that's not me. (see blog entry of Dec. 2010 for an account of the first such instance) WTF?!

So this morning we exorcised from the house whatever energies were hanging on and expressing through us. I'll save you the details of the ritual we enacted and simply say that I still smell like sage smoke. But here's what else I can say...

1) The word "husband" has completely changed resonance in my mind and heart. Yesterday it was flavored with "trapped," "baggage," heaviness and concern. Today it has been restored to "something to be proud of," "badge of honor," "partner," and a very light feeling of faith.

2) The air is clearer. I now walk from room to room with a clear mind, without the mental fog of frustration and confusion to which I'd become so accustomed.

3) I'm less defensive. EX: I was listening to a menu on the phone when Q started talking to me, and I reflexively shushed him loudly, which he hates. He added an F-bomb to his response. I'd have gone into a world of justified "not fair" and "undeserved" yesterday. Today I simply said, "Hey, you don't need to swear at me." And that was IT. That's ALL it was, with no defensiveness.

4) I'm harder to trigger! Besides the above example, Q didn't turn off the coffee maker after filling his cup this morning. Yesterday I'd have seen that and thought, "ARGH! Again? Why can't he remember such a simple thing?! How often do I have to point this out?!" etc. Today it was, "hunh," and then I turned it off. DONE. He also said he'd take out the recycling when he left today. He didn't. I saw it and thought, "Oh well. We'll do it later." No harping, blaming, growling, or dramatic sighs involved. Yay!

THIS is the me that I fondly and lovingly remember. This is an opening to reclaim the relationship, and the marriage, that I enjoy. (because I certainly have NOT enjoyed what we've been through!) AND I am grateful for the lessons we've learned and the processing we've done in the meantime. That said, now it's time to reclaim Our shared light, which is sizable, and banish the darkness.

Be gone! See ya! Buh-bye!

M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved -