Your Relationship - Your Choice

Chivalry & Service in the "Modern" Era

2011-12-16T12:21:00.004-07:00

I recently read an inquiry regarding the view of Chivalry within the LGBTQ community. I, of course, am unable to reply on behalf of that community, given that I identify only as bi-sensual and spend much of my time with generally straight-leaning kinksters. Nonetheless, I found the inquiry irresistible! And BEHOLD... my response.

I'll start from a clear definition of Chivalry:

chiv·al·ry
1. the sum of the ideal qualifications of a knight, including courtesy, generosity, valor, and dexterity in arms.
2. the rules and customs of medieval knighthood.
3. the medieval system or institution of knighthood.
4. a group of knights.
5. gallant warriors or gentlemen: fair ladies and noble chivalry.
6. Archaic . a chivalrous act; gallant deed.

Which leads me to Chivalrous, which is, I believe, the heart of what you're describing:

chiv·al·rous
1. having the qualities of chivalry, as courage, courtesy, and loyalty.
2. considerate and courteous to women; gallant.
3. gracious and honorable toward an enemy, especially a defeated one, and toward the weak or poor.

Now, everything I say from herein is my opinion, based on my experience and education, and largely an open inquiry given that I KNOW I don't have the final answers. So here I go, and I'm a bit of a writer, so please forgive the length of this response...

Consider that a desire to be chivalrous may have less to do with one's biological gender or sexual orientation and more with the level of masculine or feminine energy (or association). Given that we each have both within us, how might the following apply to the LGBTQ community? If the masculine has evolved to protect and provide for the feminine, might chivalry be a naturally masculine act? Might it be naturally feminine to receive? Masculine and feminine are, again, energies that we each flow between in this context, having nothing to do with one's sexual biology or orientation.

Consider then that feminism has done a disservice to many of us. (That's right, I said it.) In the fight to make available to women more options in the workplace and rights in the world, the option of remaining OUT of the workplace got devalued. Accordingly, I was raised that I should be strong, capable, and independent, and not NEED anyone to do anything for me. Make my own money, pay my own way, buy my own house... basically do it all myself. Which lead to stepping into the role of protector and provider and dwelling in my masculine energy most of the time.

I'm good at providing for others, because I'm also very service oriented (and I'll come back to Service shortly), and it is exhausting for me to constantly provide for myself. It's all providing with no receiving - YUCK! It has only been in the last year that I've begun to allow myself to want want I want, which is to dwell in my feminine as often as possible. And when I do allow the masculine to protect and provide for me, and I receive it graciously, my life gets much easier!

IMHO, there can be a two-way exchange in the providing of chivalry. The returning side is called Appreciation. It has also been referred to in this thread as graciousness. I understand that it may not be expected by the chivalrous provider, and you cannot deny that it feels good. Here's the challenge for the "modern" individual (raised in the feminist era)...

If we return to the definition of Chivalrous, you'll see "gracious and honorable toward an enemy, especially a defeated one, and toward the weak or poor." Accordingly, an individual raised in the mindset of "I shouldn't need anything from anyone" may perceive a chivalrous act as an implication that they are defeated, weak, or poor, thus requiring defensiveness and posturing to prove otherwise. Sigh - there's little room for gratitude when defending.

I believe there is a crossover between Chivalry and Service. Since the definition of Service comes down to "providing a helpful act," certain chivalrous acts could also be viewed or performed as acts of service, such as opening doors for people, taking a lady's/gentleman's coat, helping someone carry something. Perhaps it depends on intention...?

For ME, Service is something I provide, Chivalry something I receive. The idea of receiving service makes me balk, it turns my world upside-down in a disturbing way, and when I think of Being Chivalrous it feels like stepping into my masculine energy (which for me is being manly). I can perform the same function from my feminine energy by Being of Service. Hmmm, interesting!

How do you relate to Chivalry and Service?

Lessons From My Divorce, Part 2 - Success

2011-11-22T14:00:00.002-07:00

Success is often judged by comparing what was real to what was possible. Give that up and you've got an opportunity to have learned something!

At the notice of a divorce or break-up, it's common to hear that someone's relationship has failed. It certainly feels true enough... My marriage ended, and I'm sad, and disappointed. So I ask myself, "Did my marriage fail?" Somehow, the answer I keep returning to is, No. Here's why...

At the core of this feeling of failure is my expectation for how I thought my relationship would progress. I thought that my marriage would last "forever." I wouldn't have gotten married if I'd thought otherwise! My intention to create a mutually loving and satisfying relationship has been thwarted. In comparison to what I believed was possible for my marriage, this divorce is a failure.

But is an empowering life built on comparison?

When I remove the comparison of what was real to what was dreamt and imagined, I am left with only the facts of what WAS. The facts are that (despite our best intentions and significant efforts) neither of us was able to be whom the other needed us to be; we both behaved in ways that weren't productive; and the end result of our day to day interaction was largely stressful, painful, and destructive.

Those are the facts, and that is a relationship that I am happier and healthier for being without.

From that place of clarity, I can get curious about the lessons available to me out of the experience of my marriage. One of these lessons is that I am NOT reliable to know whether or not my significant, intimate relationships have the possibility of longevity! I always think they're going to last forever! I almost always believe that we will surmount any challenge... until we don't. I am a true believer in the power of love and partnership, and a hard-working optimist at heart. I love that about me, and I get to be responsible for the consequences... like a lack of healthy cynicism. Sigh!

Sad and disappointed vs. happy, healthy and curious. Where would you rather dwell?

Now, I'm not saying that my sadness is invalid. By all means, my sadness is real, and I will allow myself the time and space to mourn the loss of what we had envisioned together. But, through my tears, I know that I'm mourning something imagined. The experiences that had us fall in love and commit ourselves to a marriage were real, and they still exist in my memory, and in my heart. They have not been lost.

And that, in itself, is a blessing. I would not give those memories back... We loved, and laughed, and wondered at the world, relished our surroundings and each other's company, and experienced both joy and magic. How could I declare that a failure?

M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved - http://www.mmakaelnewby.com

New NATIONAL Tele-Class on Boundaries & Needs!

2011-11-06T08:00:00.000-07:00

Are you frustrated? Upset? Resentful? You may have a violated boundary or an un-met need!

A boundary is defined as a line that marks the limits of an area, a division point, if you will, between one thing and whatever is not that. When applied to our interpersonal relationships, a boundary might be drawn between acceptable behavior and what's not acceptable, between what we will tolerate and what we won't. And yet, few of us are ever directly challenged to examine and clearly identify our boundaries, which creates an opening for all kinds of unconscious mischief with ourselves and others.

Undistinguished boundaries are often discovered when they get crossed. Everything's moving along smoothly and all of a sudden we're upset! What now? Or, if a boundary is regularly disrespected, we might find ourselves feeling resentful without a clear understanding of why. Is it me? It is them? Am I being unreasonable? Why can't I just get over this?

We train our partners and friends how to behave around us. With each interaction, we show them how to interact with us, what will be accepted and what will not, how we'll let them speak to us, etc. So if it's a major problem for you that your partner yells at you when he or she is angry, but you stick around and let it happen over and over again, the one disrespecting your boundary is YOU, and no one else can honor your boundary if you do not.

The solution is to take the time to examine our boundaries and needs, and do our personal work to honor them in the future, which includes effectively communicating them to our potential and/or existing partners.

This three part tele-class consists of:

3.75 hours of group coaching (regularly over $150)
The E-Harmony Must Haves and Can't Stands List
The Relātive Creātive Boundary Worksheet
The Relātive Creātive Need Worksheet
Additional limited email coaching support as needed between classes.

At the end of the process you will have created ten Personal Agreements in a go-to document that will help you stay honest with yourself. When you're upset, this is the first place to look!

During this class you will learn to:

Recognize the Red Flags when a boundary is in jeopardy.
Identify and honor the consequences for another of crossing your boundaries.
Compassionately communicate your boundaries and needs.
Know when your needs are being met, and show appreciation!
Create a mutually satisfying partnership!

It all starts with YOU!

Class times are on Wednesdays at 6 PM PST / 9 PM EST. Soon after you register, you'll receive the conference call details and your Prep Work documents. The class begins as soon as you're ready!

Session #1: November 16th

Session #2: November 30th
Session #3: December 7th

Since this is the maiden voyage of this fully-formed tele-class, I'm offering a one-time reduced rate of only $45/person, payable by check or through Paypal, with a limited class-size of twelve participants. To register, click the following LINK.

Your partners cannot read your mind, and your boundaries and needs remain invisible until you make the effort to distinguish them. Do yourself and your loved ones a favor, and make this class a priority!

M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

Lessons From My Divorce, Part 1

2011-11-05T08:47:00.001-06:00

It's alright, I understand. Go ahead and say it... "A relationship coach who's getting a divorce? Isn't that a contradiction?"

The answer is no. It's always easier to see what's going on in someone else's relationship than in our own - our eyes do point outward, after all - and a coach has no personal investment or attachment to the details of your life. But I sure do have emotional attachments to my own life, which clutters up the view screen and then some! The best we can do is respond as authentically and responsibly as possible when new information comes to light. This may be a sudden occurrence or realization, or something that has been building for months or years. We do the best we can with the data we have in each moment.

Well, I have new data to share!

My relationship with my husband, Q, has always had some challenges. Being people who do not subscribe to the "one partner should meet ALL of my needs" point of view, we made every effort to outsource the needs that weren't getting met by our partnership. The surprising truth is that our adventures in polyamory - engaging in multiple sexual and romantic engagements - had nothing to do with the breakdown of our marriage! In fact, it allowed us to stay together longer by allowing us to Choose the key issues in our relationship. Of our top issues, communication was in a race for the lead.

If you've read past newsletter or blogs, you know that we've struggled with very different styles of communication. I process out loud, Q thinks before he speaks. My processing drives him mad, his method has felt like an unbearable restriction to me. He's come from a win/lose paradigm, while I've been trained to seek the win/win. He told me how he needed me to speak to him, and how to listen to him, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't seem to master it. Does anyone else relate to this?

If I believed in luck, I'd say that I was lucky to have the opportunity to put myself into a course called Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women only three weeks after we decided to divorce. This course is only for women, and I knew that this work was about empowering men and women in their relationships with one another. So I settled into my seat hopeful about what I'd get, and certain that MY soon-to-be-ex was a strange enough bird that most of their concepts wouldn't apply to him. What I learned blew me away.

Q is a man. Now, of course, I already knew this, right? I was not a virgin bride, and yes, clearly, he's a man. But what I mean is that he's also NOT a woman in that Men do not speak, hear, act, process their thoughts and feelings, prioritize or receive stimuli like Women. The physiological differences are apparent, but the sociological, mental and emotional ones are less so, and I was surprised to discover that my ideas of what a man was bore a striking resemblance to how I know myself to be, as a woman. I mean - we're all People, right? Well, yes, but also no...

I was further shocked to learn that I had been engaging in all kinds of emasculating and undermining thoughts and actions with Q. I thought I was being helpful by offering to help him keep his word, meet his deadlines, remember the details he needed to manage, and generally act in the world like the person I thought he'd said he wanted to become, etc. But I was often busy being "the better man" in our relationship. Have you ever heard yourself say, "I need a wife?" Yep, that's something to look at. And sure enough, everything they told me about how to communicate with a man was how Q had asked me to communicate with him.

Now - I did NOT want to admit that he was right about ANYthing, so to see clearly how I had contributed to the anger, frustration and tension between us really pissed me off! But there it was - undeniable. When one can appreciate the natural design of Men, the possibility of allowing oneself to be a Woman arises, as well as the dance of partnership that can result. Embracing that possibility was much more appealing than being Right.

So I apologized to Q, and acknowledged my mistakes. I also started practicing speaking to him in the way that they taught me, and I'll tell you this... It is the only way that he can hear me clearly. I do it my way and I get annoyance, anger, and blame. I do it their way and I get understanding, patience, and agreement. Forgive my language, but HOLY SHIT! You cannot imagine my surprise, quickly followed by my own piss off that I've taken over 700 hours of personal development work and never yet been taught this information. Grrrrr...

Accordingly, I'm taking ALL of the PAX (Latin for 'peace') coursework, or which CMSW is a part, and will continue to share with you as I learn more about how to create exceptional relationships that allow men to be Men and women to be Women. NOTE: These lessons may not fit every man and woman 100%. I've discovered that Q needs this kind of communication style at a level that I'm not willing to master. I am WAY too high energy for him, and I bring too much intensity to my interactions. It fries his receivers. To moderate myself down to the level that would work for him on a daily basis would feel crippling to me, and it's not something I'm willing to take on any longer. I tried, I failed, and it's not my path. However, I now have a tool that works when it's really important that he be able to hear me, and that's priceless. I also have a new understanding of who I can be in a relationship, and THAT is inspiring!

To learn more about Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women, visit www.understandmen.com. There's also a course for woman and men entitled Understanding Women! I always thought there was something wrong with me that I was so exhausted after spending a full day at the office focusing on one task at a time, or that my mind wanders occasionally when I'm with my partner, even during sex. Am I broken? No, I'm a Woman! You have no idea how different we can be, and when you can appreciate the natural design of a Woman, more peace becomes available.

I am so enthusiastic about the PAX coursework that I'm considering studying to teach their workshops. I really want to expand the sphere of influence that this work has. If I had taken this course before we married, things would have gone VERY differently. Accordingly, if YOU decide to take one of their classes or purchase one of their CDs, books, etc., please provide my affiliate number, which is 554149.

Lastly, I want to apologize to all of my gender-queer peeps. This post has largely been based on traditional Man/Woman stereotypes. Would this support you in your relationships? I don't know, and I'm going to have this conversation with other participants and keep listening for the difference it might make for you.

Lessons From My Divorce, Part 2 will discuss the importance of holding and honoring one's boundaries.

M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

Our Exorcism

2011-08-11T16:20:00.004-06:00

This blog entry may seem off-topic from most of my entries, so skip it if you're a kink, poly and relationship purist! ;)

Nonetheless, it's true - my husband and I performed an exorcism of our house this morning. Or rather, we performed one or more rituals to exorcise from our house whatever dark energies have been feeding on and impacting us for the last several months.

Now, I don't usually put much stock in these things. I may use the word "God," but to me it means 'some higher benevolent universal energy or intelligence.' I don't believe in traditional depictions of Jesus, Heaven or Hell, or in Evil, for that matter. I consciously choose to believe in reincarnation, because that empowers me to do what I'm doing here on this planet NOW. And, it's a conscious choice, not a matter of blind faith.

In general, as a recovered Atheist, I also don't believe in blind faith! I listen to my heart, though, and follow what feels right to me. It has led me on some amazing adventures, and into a life I never imaged. But that's not the point right now... Do I believe in ghosts? Sometimes, it entertains me to do so. Have I ever seen one? I don't think so. Have I seen evidence of some unexplainable stuff? Ah-yup. So let's say that I'm open to unconventional explanations as long as they feel right or resonate with me.

Now, I'll admit, our relationship wasn't perfect before we got married - we are human, and each have our own triggers, and our own histories and indoctrinations to manage. (Is a relationship between two human individuals ever truly Perfect for more than a few seconds here or there? Maybe during simultaneous orgasms... *wink!*) Nonetheless, we were managing them successfully, and were present to our deep love, commitment, and partnership with one another. Then we got married, and things slowly began slipping.

He got more and more violent, more paranoid, likely to rage out at one misconstrued phrase, and more likely to blame me for "everything that's wrong." I became more easily triggered as well, more defensive, snippy, and jumpy. I became a victim in my heart, extremely reactive, and descended into a swirl of confusion... "Should we remain married?" "Am I broken?" "Is this hopeless?" "Can I handle this?" "Should I leave? or Should I stay?!" and "What would happen to our animals?!"

Now, if you've known me in person, then you know that THIS is not me! I am NOT a timid, scared, victim, doubting my own ability to make a difference with myself or anyone else, and that finally hit home two nights ago.

I crawled into bed next to Q and said something about what's been going on, and he said, "I seriously don't think this is US. Whatever we've been processing, it's not OURS."

And just like that - the fog of oppression lifted, and I saw a star in the sky of my mind, the glimmer of hope and the promise of restoration. And I got ferocious in reclaiming what is truly MINE.

I said, "NO KIDDING! This is NOT ours, not You, and not Me! I've never experienced this before, and this wasn't us in Colorado. Hell, if this IS us, we're out, because this is intolerable. But I don't think this is ours..."

And Q said, "I think there's something in the house."

Here's what you should know about our house... it was a meth house before our landlord bought and renovated it. And here's something else of interest - Q went through the worst suicidal depression of his entire life in Oct./Nov. 2009, during the first 8 weeks he lived here. When we look back, the abuser/abused patterns we've been playing out really hit home after we got married in Sept. 2010. Since then, I've twice been overcome by the emotions and reactions of someone's who's been sexually abused, and that's not me. (see blog entry of Dec. 2010 for an account of the first such instance) WTF?!

So this morning we exorcised from the house whatever energies were hanging on and expressing through us. I'll save you the details of the ritual we enacted and simply say that I still smell like sage smoke. But here's what else I can say...

1) The word "husband" has completely changed resonance in my mind and heart. Yesterday it was flavored with "trapped," "baggage," heaviness and concern. Today it has been restored to "something to be proud of," "badge of honor," "partner," and a very light feeling of faith.

2) The air is clearer. I now walk from room to room with a clear mind, without the mental fog of frustration and confusion to which I'd become so accustomed.

3) I'm less defensive. EX: I was listening to a menu on the phone when Q started talking to me, and I reflexively shushed him loudly, which he hates. He added an F-bomb to his response. I'd have gone into a world of justified "not fair" and "undeserved" yesterday. Today I simply said, "Hey, you don't need to swear at me." And that was IT. That's ALL it was, with no defensiveness.

4) I'm harder to trigger! Besides the above example, Q didn't turn off the coffee maker after filling his cup this morning. Yesterday I'd have seen that and thought, "ARGH! Again? Why can't he remember such a simple thing?! How often do I have to point this out?!" etc. Today it was, "hunh," and then I turned it off. DONE. He also said he'd take out the recycling when he left today. He didn't. I saw it and thought, "Oh well. We'll do it later." No harping, blaming, growling, or dramatic sighs involved. Yay!

THIS is the me that I fondly and lovingly remember. This is an opening to reclaim the relationship, and the marriage, that I enjoy. (because I certainly have NOT enjoyed what we've been through!) AND I am grateful for the lessons we've learned and the processing we've done in the meantime. That said, now it's time to reclaim Our shared light, which is sizable, and banish the darkness.

Be gone! See ya! Buh-bye!

M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

The 'Rules' of Communication

2011-07-17T08:00:00.001-06:00

Over the last year or so, my husband and I have had some challenging miscommunications. He's accused me of being disrespectful ~ I'm not even sure what that means. He's accused me of being defensive ~ I say that I'm just sharing a different point of view. I perceive him as impatient ~ he says that I never get to the point. Recently, however, we've realized what's been happening. The key lies with the training we received from our families of origin.

I'm referring here to the spoken or unspoken expectations for communicating in the family in which you were raised.

• How did you have to speak to be heard? Loudly? Softly? Passionately? Persuasively?

• How did you have to organize your thoughts in order to be accepted and validated? Stream of consciousness? Logical progression?

• How did you have to behave or act to be respected? Deferential? Confrontational?

• Was interrupting always allowed, never allowed, or only under certain circumstances?

• How were disagreements handled, and what did you do when you wanted to convince someone of something?

In order to gain the approval of our parents, and survive within the family structure, we must learn our parents' rules. To be truthful, however, given that these rules are often unspoken, the best we can do is to glean our own perception of them. No two siblings are likely to have adopted a matched set of expectations. Additionally, being a rebellious youth makes no difference. Whether we follow them or flaunt them, we are still acting in relationship to our perception of 'The Rules.'

I propose that this training, as long as it remains undistinguished as such, becomes an invisible context for all communication within our lives - largely unconscious rules that we observe or reject almost unerringly, and by which we reflexively judge others.

For example, Q was raised in a household with a military father. When it came to the realm of interpersonal communication, he perceived his parents' primary directive as follows: Silence is Golden. What this meant was:

1) If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.

2) Think silently before you open your mouth to respond.

3) Get immediately to the point.

Anything else was considered a sign of disrespect. Additionally, unspoken within this construct was the understanding that the person on the lower side of the power dynamic (EX: Child has less power than Parent) could never win - they could only survive without losing.

On the other hand, the only child of an English professor, I grew up in a household in which I perceived the primary rule for communication as: Understand & Be Understood. This meant that successful disagreements followed a logical progression:

1) Explain your thought process so people can understand how you arrived at your current position.

2) Ask and listen to understand how others arrived at their current positions.

3) Identify the misunderstanding that caused the upset in order to avoid the same mistake in the future.

The result of this process was the agreement that no one was wrong - it was just a misunderstanding or a learning opportunity - so everyone wins in the end.

Perhaps you can see the inherent disconnect between these two approaches! One of us gets upset and I start explaining my reasoning and asking about his. Since I didn't think silently first, and I'm clearly not getting to the point, this is seen by Q as a sign of disrespect. However, the inquiry IS the point in my world, and a sign of respect in itself since I'm searching for a way we can both come out winners. The more I inquire and explain, the more he perceives defensiveness, which he's driven to exploit so that he can gain control of the power dynamic and be the one who wins.

Yikes!

All hope is not lost, however. Recognizing our Rules has given us some leverage against them. Q is now able to realize, during some arguments, that I don't intend any disrespect and to modify his emotions accordingly. I have been able, on occasion, to keep my mouth shut while he's silently processing his response as an intentional sign of respect, knowing how important that is to him. It's not perfect, and it has made an appreciable difference.

Are either of our background contexts likely to change dramatically? Probably not. They're deeply ingrained, automatic, and I actually like my method! It works beautifully with most of the people I've known. However, sometimes it runs me instead of the other way around, compelling me to ask more questions and explain my position when understanding what happened is really not the most pressing matter.

As with all areas of life, the more conscious I can become, the more control I'll achieve over my reflexive reactions. When I'M the one in charge of my response, my partners get to communicate with the real me, and my relationships benefit. The best I can do for now is to keep practicing!

Full-Bodied Fellatio: Mouth Skills

2011-06-15T14:00:00.000-06:00

Excerpt from Mouth Skills:
"Suction – In order to practice suction, we’ll work with your fingers, so choose one to suck on. Put your finger into your mouth and get a good lip seal so that you get nice, tight suction when you suck on it like a straw. You’ll know it’s right because your cheeks will suck in. Next, practice maintaining the feeling of suction as you move the length of your finger in and out of your mouth. Keep that lip seal!

Now see if you can work your tongue against your finger – around the sides and flicking back and forth across the tip – while maintaining suction. Yes, it will be different on a penis – a penis has greater girth (or width). Accordingly, feel free to practice this technique on travel-sized shampoo bottles, or anything with larger width and a fairly smooth texture. (A rough texture or wavy surface could get in the way of your lip lock.) I hope it’s a given that you’ll practice on a dildo. Just wash it first!"

More mouth, tongue, cheek, lip and teeth tricks available through the Web Store at www.mmakaelnewby.com.

M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

Full-Bodied Fellatio: Consensual Power Exchange

2011-06-01T08:00:00.004-06:00

Forced Gagging – The Power Dynamic:
"I suspect that we’ve all seen or heard the story of a woman giving a man a blowjob. He puts his hand on the back of her head and pulls her deeper onto his cock. She chokes and angrily pushes away. She’s righteously pissed off. Why? Because this was a non-consensual act. He took control of her body without her permission. That’s NOT what we’re about in this section.

CONSENSUAL POWER EXCHANGE (The very, very basics.)

Consent – In this section, we’re talking about Consensual Power Exchange. The giver willingly gives the receiver the power to control his/her movements and actions, and the receiver takes responsibility for that power."

To learn more about the three steps involved in how I recommend that you phase your way into Forced Choking & Gagging, visit my Web Store at www.mmakaelnewby.com.

M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

Full-Bodied Fellatio: Gagging & Choking

2011-05-30T08:00:00.003-06:00

Excerpt from Gagging & Choking:
"What’s Sexy? – I was once deep throating a fairly large partner, and the longer we went the more my gag reflex kicked up. (This is normal, as mentioned.) At one point, I gagged hard enough to vomit a tiny amount into my mouth. I raced into the bathroom and spit into the sink.

I returned to the bedroom and said, “That is SO not sexy.”

His response? “Well, now we know that YOU don’t think that’s sexy.” Hrm? What?

Your idea of what’s sexy may not be the same as that of your partner, and many receivers find gagging incredibly hot. Nonetheless, it can be a mental and emotional challenge for givers, not to mention the physical discomfort it creates. So here’s a tip for the receivers…

Verbal Reassurance – Tell your partner how turned on it makes you when she chokes on your cock. Don’t just expect her to know, speak it out loud. Particularly when she’s doing something that may be challenging to her self-image, your reassurance that she’s not diminished in your opinion of her is very important."

More tips and tricks for intentional gagging and choking are available through the Web Store at www.mmakaelnewby.com.

M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

Full-Bodied Fellatio: Sloppy Blowjobs

2011-05-27T08:00:00.003-06:00

Excerpt from Sloppy Blowjobs:
"Set the Scene – Not everyone is willing to drool and spit all over the comforter under which they’ll be sleeping in 30 minutes. If you, or your honey, are concerned with hygiene or tidiness, throw a washable blanket or a towel over the bed, sofa, or other intended play space. “Concerned about the bed spread” is not a great mental space for giving awesome head."

More tips and tricks for getting sloppy are available through the Web Store at www.mmakaelnewby.com.

M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

Full-Bodied Fellatio: Your Gag Reflex

2011-05-25T08:00:00.000-06:00

Excerpt from Deep Throating:
"Love it or hate it, the gag reflex is your body’s natural defense against choking on foreign objects, and a penis counts as a foreign object. According to at least one study, however, up to one-third of healthy people don’t even have a gag reflex! If you are one of those lucky bitches, congrats! The rest of us will just have to find a way to deal with it. Here are some suggestions...

THE GAG REFLEX

Get Numb – Run the tip of your tongue backward along the roof of your mouth until the bony feeling gives way to soft flesh. This is your soft palate. The gag reflex is often triggered when something touches the soft palate, so if this little exercise made you twitch, consider the following... Topical numbing agents can be used to numb your soft palate thus diminishing your gag response.

Good Head by Doc Johnson is a gel. Squeeze some onto a Q-tip, rub it onto your hard palate, and then swallow. This will pull the gel back onto your soft palate. Apply Chloraseptic or Comfortably Numb Throat Spray as if you were using them to treat a sore throat. Aim, and spray.

WARNING: The problem with having a numb throat is that you cannot feel any damage you may be doing. There are times when it hurts because you should stop! Be aware of the risks."

More tips and tricks for helping you to give great throat are available through the Web Store at www.mmakaelnewby.com.

M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

Full-Bodied Fellatio: Deep Throating

2011-05-23T08:00:00.002-06:00

Excerpt from Deep Throat Skills:
"The “Yawn” Muscle – Place your hand around your throat with full skin-to-skin contact all the way from your thumb to the tip of your index finger, as if you were going to choke yourself. Now yawn. Feel that?

A yawn is precipitated by contracting the back, or base, of your tongue, pulling it down toward your lower jaw. Put your attention on the back of your tongue and yawn again. If a doctor has ever used a tongue depressor to look at your throat, you may recognize the sensation. Your tongue is one big muscle, and a damn strong one, so contracting it in that way pushes the soft tissues of your throat further open. Can you see how this is useful?"

More tips and tricks for helping you to give great throat are available through the Web Store at www.mmakaelnewby.com.

M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

Full-Bodied Fellatio: Balls, Butts & What's In Between

2011-05-19T08:00:00.002-06:00

Excerpt from Balls, Butts, & What’s In Between:
"Penetration – When preparing to penetrate the asshole with your fingers, I highly recommend that you wear a latex or nitrile glove or a finger cot (a finger condom), particularly if you use your hands roughly for work or play, or have any tiny cuts or scratches, bite your nails heavily, etc. Any microabrasions on your fingers will provide an opportunity for infection from bacteria or virus in the anus. If you won’t be wearing a glove, please trim your nails close to the quick, being careful not to cut yourself, and file the edge of your nail so that it’s not sharp.

Read my January 8th, 2010 blog post at http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com for a description of how to introduce a partner to anal penetration for the first time.

That said, I’ll assume from here out that you have explicit permission for anal play, and that it is not your partner’s first time. Accordingly, and starting slowly unless your partner has expressed a differing desire, using one finger, or more if your partner is highly experienced, press your fingertip upward and into the anal canal to whatever depth is enjoyable for you both. And then...

Prostate Massage – ..."

To learn about prostate massage and other tricks for playing with balls, asses, and what's in between, visit the Web Store at www.mmakaelnewby.com!

M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

Full-Bodied Fellatio: Hand Skills

2011-05-16T08:00:00.001-06:00

Excerpt from Hand Skills:
"The Rotating Twist – This is a two handed maneuver that can be executed with full palms or with single fingers and thumbs – adapt your method to the size of your partner. Grasping the shaft of the penis with both hands, wrists aligned, dominant hand on top of the other, rotate your wrists away, in opposite directions, as you slide up the shaft, until your wrists again align on the opposite side of the penis. Reverse direction and slide back down to the base. Repeat while varying speeds and the application of pressure (tight vs. loose)."

More hand, palm and finger tricks are available through the Web Store at www.mmakaelnewby.com!

M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

Full-Bodied Fellatio: Sensual Texture

2011-05-09T08:00:00.001-06:00

Excerpt from Sensual Texture & Mouth Skills:
"Eye Contact – From the first moment you decide to share this experience, eye contact can be very hot. You can use flirty eyes, nasty eyes, demanding eyes - anything you choose to express yourself while your mouth is full. Sometimes it hurts my eyes to try to look up at his face while my mouth is occupied below, but the response is worth it. (Unless you are not allowed to make eye contact, in which case the hotness comes from obeying the rules.)"

Available through the Web Store at www.mmakaelnewby.com.

M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

Full-Bodied Fellatio: Communication

2011-05-07T08:00:00.001-06:00

Pick only what most interests you... Each section of my Fellatio manual is available individually for $1.49 through my web store. Keep reading to learn a supportive way to communicate when your partner does something sexual that you don't enjoy.

Excerpt from Communication:
"If my goal is to provide pleasure, telling me what you enjoy only sets me up for success. And who doesn’t love succeeding?! Conversely, if you wish to pleasure me, telling you how to turn me on is a gift. It makes your life easier and reassures you that I don’t expect you to read my mind.

This applies to what is not working as well as what does. Now, be gentle! It’s very easy to take it personally when my efforts are not having the desired result. Let’s examine two approaches to correcting a partner who’s handling you in a way that you don’t like.

“Not like that!”
This response is vague. I know that I’ve done something you don’t like, but I’m not sure what part of what I’ve been doing is the culprit – was it my hands, my lips, did my hair get in the way, did you get scraped by my teeth... what? I’m left confused and possibly frustrated. I did something wrong, and I don’t know how to fix it. Let’s look at a softer approach.

“I like it when you lick the head of my cock instead of biting it, would you do that?”
This approach is kind, gentle, supportive, and clear! I know what I did that you don’t like – biting. Now I can avoid doing that in the future. I also know what you DO like – licking the head of your cock! I can do more of that! You also just praised me for licking you in the past, and I’m left empowered and appreciated. Which response do you think will get you a better blowjob?

(NOTE: If being corrected harshly or forced to fail is a turn-on, the above advice no longer applies!)"

M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

Full-Bodied Fellatio: A Word About Pronouns

2011-05-05T13:45:00.004-06:00

My Fellatio manual is finally available through my web store for only $9.49! The following several blogs will share small snippets from various sections of the manual to give you a tiny taste of what's there. Enjoy!

A Word About Pronouns:
"In this document, I will refer to the receiver with masculine pronouns like He or Him, and to the giver as She and Her. This is in no way meant to exclude male-bodied givers, or female-bodied persons who identify with masculine gender. The majority of these techniques also apply to the act of blowing strap-on penises, in which case intention is of paramount importance."

Do you automatically assume a particular gender association when you meet someone? Who do you know who might prefer a different gender pronoun?

M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

Relationships in Song

2011-05-02T08:06:00.001-06:00

I began my college career studying musical theatre and it remains one of my great joys in life. Alas, I'm not a great actor! Nonetheless, I still listen to the soundtracks and have lately been noticing songs that tell relationship stories. Here are a few of them:

Analysis, Angst, and Hope?
"Now - Later - Soon" from Stephen Sondheim and Hugh Wheeler's 1973 masterpiece A Little Night Music gives us an ear into the personal musings of three family members. Fredrik, husband and father, wonders, as only an attorney can, whether or not he should attempt to ravish his young, and still virginal, wife, or just take a nap. Henrik, his son, a seminary student who's only a year older than his new step-mother, laments the fear that his life will never truly begin, and Anne, Fredrik's bride, hopes that soon she'll come to desire her dear, if old, husband. A song of four sections, each character has a solo, the lyrics and melody of which finally overlap into a full and luscious layering of passion unrequited and unexpressed. Beautiful.

20/20 Hindsight.
"I Know Him So Well" from Chess presents a duet between the wife and mistress of the top-ranked international chess player. Each has fallen for him, and - looking back - can see that he was never a one-woman man. But they fell first, and now here they are, falling apart. Someday I'll perform this duet, I swear! It's a gorgeous moment of recognition.

Flirting!
"Light my Candle" from the award-winning musical RENT allows us to listen in on the first introduction between the characters of Roger, a struggling composer and rocker, and Mimi, an erotic dancer. Mimi playfully walks the line between flirting and seduction, and leaves Roger bewildered and wanting more. What fun!

M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

Inquiring Into Female Desire

2011-04-28T12:00:00.001-06:00

As you can tell from the previous article, female desire is quite an issue today in the world of human sexuality. What you may not realize is that there are multiple camps of thought - some that promote the creation of a "pink viagra" and others arguing that it's all mental and emotional. And between these camps and many other, much (as one author puts it) academic cat-fighting.

This blog, which I recommend reading, makes a good point that some of the causes of modern FSD (Female Sexual Dysfunction) are sociocultural. To quote:

"For one thing, our expectations of sex have outgrown our knowledge base. The average child is exposed to 14 thousand sexual images a year. Most of which bear no resemblance to the reality of human sexual response. I don't know how many movie love scenes I have watched over the years with no clitoral stimulation, instant intercourse, and simultaneous orgasms for both parties -- an unlikely sequence of events. And let's not even get started on the lack of realism in porn.

Then we have the self-help genre and the Oprah machine continually reminding us of just how important sex is to a happy relationship. All the while, our young grow up under abstinence based sex ed programs that tell them nothing about how to actually have "mind-blowing" sex. Factor in a culture still mired in sexism, sexual repression, and a hatred of real (but not pornified female sexuality) -- and you have a recipe for sexual dysfunction."

She also makes a smart review of the attitudes toward women's sexuality during the middle ages and Victorian Era, providing a chilling measure of context. Ultimately, research on multiple fronts will be necessary. Now, who'll fund it?

Again, I offer this link, to an article reviewing several researchers' theories of the human sexual response cycle.

M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

Orgasm - Sometimes Those Who Can, Teach.

2011-04-25T08:00:00.001-06:00

Once a month, I attend a luncheon gathering for local members of the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT). Some of us who attend are not official members, but we all work within this general field. We are Sexologists, Psychologists, Psychotherapists, and Coaches of various specialties, and we have the most fascinating discussions!

October of 2010's discussion centered around working with clients who have difficulty becoming orgasmic, and I learned so much that I thought I'd share it with you.

Some of the challenges that we discussed involved male clients (no names ever mentioned) who could achieve an erection alone, but not with a partner; female clients who feel arousal but just can't reach orgasm; and female clients who can't seem to identify anything that arouses them. One of the challenges identified for clients who cannot reach orgasm is the intense desire TO reach orgasm, and the part that societal expectations play in nourishing that anxious desire.

In a culture where we are reinforced from an early age, through media and popular dialogue, that successful sex ends in orgasm (preferably simultaneous) for both partners, the person unable to reach orgasm can experience a lot of pressure. Not only may there be external pressure - EX: a reflected sense of self from the other partner, such as 'my partner feels like a poor lover if I do not cum' - but also internal pressure - EX: 'there's something wrong with me if I do not cum.'

Add to this a culture in which the mental, emotional, and spiritual aspects of sex are not often openly discussed, particularly during our youth, when our bodies and expectations are rapidly developing, and you've got a recipe for misunderstanding and anxiety. Any thoughts of how sex Should Be, beyond 'consensual and enjoyable for all partners', is limiting. What to do?

Some of the discussed solutions involved embracing a focus on Pleasure... on enjoying the process rather than chasing a particular outcome. This is, of course, easy to say, but perhaps not as easy to actualize when one has never had an orgasm. Some questions we might ask such a client are, "When are you IN your body?" or "What is a successful sexual experience to you?" As a relationship coach, I would also want to ask, "What do you perceive as a successful sexual experience for your partner?" and then determine if there was an open two-way channel of communication about that perception.

Therapist David Reed's model of the erotic pathway was raised, which includes the following four stages: Seduction, Sensation, Surrender, and Reflection. To quote an article on Human Sexual Response Cycles, "During the stage of surrender we can experience orgasm. According to Reed, orgasm requires momentarily surrendering and giving up control. It requires us to take our mind off our performance or to stop "spectatoring." To experience orgasm requires us to stop worrying about how we look or smell, or about making too much noise, or about whether we are going to have a bowel or bladder accident. It also requires trust of ourselves and of our partner if we are with a partner."

For those of us who live largely in our minds rather than our bodies, this can pose an additional challenge. Although still illegal, marijuana has been known to help people get out of their heads and into their bodies, thus facilitating such a release of control, and this raises the topic of the biochemistry of an orgasm.

Apparently, orgasm is dependent on a spike in the neurotransmitter Serotonin. Anxiety is known to crash serotonin levels, so it's no surprise that worrying makes an orgasm less likely. Marijuana use facilitates the output of serotonin, but, if used daily, can establish a new "normal" within the brain. This is not unlike the Selective Serotonin Re-uptake Inhibitor (SSRI) family of drugs, such as Prozac, Paxil and Zoloft, among others, which create an even level of serotonin in the brain, and which may point to why so many people self-medicate for depression and anxiety with marijuana.

The problem here is that we need a serotonin spike to achieve orgasm, which is simply not possible when the brain's level of serotonin has been artificially raised. Et voila - SSRIs and chronic marijuana use often lead to loss of libido and/or sexual dysfunction.

Regarding clients challenged with basic arousal, we might ask them to speculate on the wide variety of arousal vectors - visual, audible, taste, smell, tactile, fantasy, and/or contextual, among others. At this point we must also consider the common differences between the ways in which men and women gain access to arousal. While my husband may merely need to look at me as a sexual object to find something arousing, I need to experience an emotional and physical connection in order to even begin to get into 'the mood.' Breathing, energy and connection-based exercises such as those found in Tantric practices can help women and men who first need that kind of experience to gain access to their physical arousal.

Additionally, for a client who just can't seem to get there, and for whom the mental/emotional process is healthy, many of us would recommend experimentation with various types of stimulation. Fingers are great, and there's so much more. Sex toys, dildos of different densities, vibrators, G-spot and prostate stimulators, butt plugs... until you've tried them, who knows which one might suddenly light your fire?!

Lastly, there's the importance of drilling down to the underlying issue or concern. Many a client who states, "I want to have an orgasm," may have a deeper desire that is more directly addressed. With such a client we might ask, "What would make an orgasm possible for you?" Perhaps it's trust, safety, anonymity, or another aspect that, if not distinguished, could continue to make that very orgasm an uncomfortable impossibility.

Wishing you great orgasms!

Additional Reference: Betty Dodson, Orgasm Doctor

Article of Interest: HBO options a controversial book about one young woman's quest for an orgasm.

M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

Quotes & Articles

2011-04-21T12:00:00.001-06:00

There are so many brilliant people in the world these days. Here are some links to several articles, videos and blogs that I've found valuable and entertaining...

"My mind thinks I am lacking - that I need this or that something outside myself in order to be happy. Focusing on that lack - a specific house, a partner, relationships the way I think they should be - means I have attached myself to an outcome. And, therefore, I have set myself up for suffering. ... So how do I shift from the perceived separation of self from world to the idea of non-attachment - the presumably underlying reality? Part of the answer is letting go of the thing I think I must have."

Accordingly, this article shares seven tips for letting go with hope - worth reading!
To Get What You Want, Give Up, Insanely Serene Blog

"It's Gets Better" - Love, Pixar. A message of hope from the employees at Pixar Animation Studios. I dare you to not be moved! (I cried.)

The only thing missing is MY book! I'll have to send Violet a note...
2010's Top Hot Sex Books for Gifting/Coveting

A daily compilation of articles from some reputable sources, bloggers and educators.
The Sexual Freedom Daily

Relationship Tip - Doing Your Best

2011-04-18T08:00:00.003-06:00

In most instances in my life, I give all that I've got. I was raised with a mid-western work ethic, and I've chosen to fill my life with people and responsibilities that inspire me.

Nonetheless, there's a voice within me that says it's never enough. I should be doing more, doing better, seeing greater results, accomplishing more... I could go on. As soon as I get really clear that one of these is a lie, another version pops up to say, "But what about...?"

These are the moments when I cheat myself of the success I've achieved, of who I am for people and the difference that I make in their lives. And in those moments, it helps me to remember that no matter the outward appearance, I'm doing my best.

For example, perhaps I need to have a difficult conversation with someone. I've known this for a week or more. I've scheduled and postponed it repeatedly, and now my inner critic has lots of 'proof' that I'm weak, lazy and a coward. And yet, I'm doing my best.

How is that possibly my best, you might ask? I only need to pick up the phone, dial, and talk. Well, here's the key - my best is judged not only by the actions I take, but by the conditions in which I face them.

It takes courage and strength to deal with our internal critics. Resistance shows up, and at times it feels damn near overwhelming. Past experiences, criticisms, perceived failures and false beliefs rear their heads and try to convince us that taking action will be the death of us! It's much safer to remain immobile.

Getting anything accomplished in this internal environment often takes either a great act of will, the clarity of purpose to act despite apparent risks, or a facility with transformation. Some people can make this shift in mere minutes, others in hours. For some, it may take weeks, months, or years. Nonetheless, I choose to believe, no matter the outward signs of success or lack there of, that we always do our best.

Sure, this gives me some mental freedom, but it makes the greatest difference in my life when I apply it to others.

Perhaps my co-worker is constantly late for work, complains about almost everything, and often leaves tasks undone. I've seen her slam dunk this job and I know that she could perform much better! In this moment, I must remember that she is doing her best.

I have no idea what's truly going on in the rest of her life, what she may be facing with her family or friends, with her community, and most of all - within her own mind and heart. At this time in her life, it may be the best that she can do to be present each day, even if she arrives late; to speak at all, even if she complains; to undertake the tasks she's been assigned, even if she lacks completion.

Is this true? Who knows. Does it excuse her from a level of execution that's below her job requirements? No, and she'll face the consequences with our boss. Business is business. Does it allow me to have a measure of compassion for her? Yes, and that is what makes a difference for us both.

Compassion does not mean excuse - I still need to make that phone call. And yet, if I can be compassionate with myself, and with the person on the other end of the phone, there is a greater likelihood that my resistance will shift, and so will my results.

So be compassionate with those in your lives, and especially with yourselves. You're all doing your best.

M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

Canada's Polygamy Challenge

2011-04-13T08:00:00.001-06:00

Canada legalized same-sex marriage in 2005, and now finds itself embroiled in a debate over multiple marriage -- in this case polygamy, the practice of taking more than one wife. The first link discusses the legal and socio-legal issues, the second goes more into detail about the case against the fundamentalist Mormon community of Bountiful in British Columbia. This article from April 4th gives the most recent report of the case.

Of note here is the odd alliance between the Canadian Polyamory Advocacy Association and polygamous Mormon and Muslim sects. While prosecutors make their case that polygamy is related directly to "child brides, trafficked girls, teenage pregnancies and oppressed women," responsible polyamory addresses "the private relations of consenting adults."

Hopefully you can see that these are two very distinct practices with one legal correlation. Hopefully the one will not become inextricably tied to the other.

http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

Virginity, Feminism & Publicity: The "Deflowering" of Nicki Blue

2011-04-11T08:00:00.003-06:00

Nicki Blue is a 21 year old aspiring porn actress who chose to "lose her virginity" live on-air on January 15th at the studios of Kink.com. Stepping past any personal opinions you may have about the value and validity of the porn industry, her decision - and the marketing choices of her chosen purveyor, Kink.com - have raised some fascinating conversations within the sex-positive community about the meaning of sexuality and the perceived value of a woman.

It wasn't that long ago that a woman was considered the property of her father until she became the property of her husband - in fact, this mindset is still common in developed countries, not to mention third-world countries. For example, I offer an article from 2007 about two such stories from Pakistan. This is not ancient history, this is a matter of modern reality.

An article by Miss Maggie Mayhem thoroughly examines several myths about female sexuality. Each seems supported and promoted by Kink.com's original press release which stated, for example, "Prior to the event, a trained expert will insert Kink.com's official hymen-cam to validate that Blue's hymen is still in place and that she is a true virgin. Once her hymen is confirmed, the evening will proceed."

Maggie takes issue with the term "True Virgin" and I highly recommend her article for a thoroughly accurate education about the female hymen, including fact-based deconstruction of the myth that an intact hymen is the determining factor of virginity. Further discussion inquires into the focus on penile/vaginal sex as the form of sex through which a woman "loses" her virginity, and the perceived value of virginity itself.

Being a little bit of a language diva, let's look at the very wording here. When a woman "loses her virginity," what exactly is she losing?! Is my value as a woman diminished by such a loss?

According to Wikipedia:

"Bride price, also known as bride wealth, is an amount of money or property or wealth paid by the groom or his family to the parents of a woman upon the marriage of their daughter to the groom. (Compare dowry, which is paid to the groom, or used by the bride to help establish the new household, and dower, which is property settled on the bride herself by the groom at the time of marriage.) In the anthropological literature, bride price has often been explained in market terms, as payment made in exchange for the bride's family's loss of her labor and fertility within her kin group. The agreed bride price is generally intended to reflect the perceived value of the girl or young woman."

In such a society, the loss of a woman's virginity, if unmarried, is actually the loss of her father's or future husband's financial gain. Is that who we are today? I think not.

Furthermore, the language of virginal loss seems a disservice to young men and young women alike - implying an innocence that rarely exists in our hyper-sexualized culture; creating a focus on the Thing of virginity instead of on making healthy sexual and emotional choices; and propagating a sexist view where men are perceived to gain value for varied sexual experience, and women to lose value for the same.

Pursuant to Maggie's article, Peter Acworth, CEO of Kink.com, published an extraordinary apology. "Instead of showing our gratitude to Nicki for choosing Kink to fulfill her sexual fantasy - to break her hymen during her first vaginal sex experience in front of thousands of fans - we marketed it in a way that relied on sexist tropes and myths about the female body that we should not have perpetuated," he wrote. "And that fact was rightfully brought to our attention by bloggers who hold us to a much higher standard than that. We truly thank them for it and are gratified to see issues surrounding female sexuality, virginity and sexism being discussed in public forums - even if it was as a result of our screw up."

No matter your views of pornography, this debacle serves as a reminder that women's sexuality remains only moderately liberated, and that our choice of language in all matters sexual makes a difference. We can speak a world of freedom, or a world of limitation and judgment. You choose.

Sex in Egypt

2011-04-07T08:00:00.002-06:00

You think we're stuffy about sex in the USA? Try living in Egypt where even married couples have a hard time discussing sex with each other. No, seriously, to the point where they even avoided the topic during anonymous interviews for a documentary ABOUT sex.

"I couldn't use all the interviews because when they sat in front of the camera, I couldn't get something real out of them. They were going around the issue," says documentary director Amr Bayoumi.

Read more...

http://www.cnn.com/2010/WORLD/meast/12/15/egypt.sex.film/

Bliss

2011-04-05T08:00:00.000-06:00

Several months ago, I came across a movie from 1997 entitled Bliss. (I actually thought it was from 2007. Imagine my surprise when those huge, chunky mobile phones came into view!) The film begins on a young couple's wedding day and follows them through a year or more of a challenging marriage, and into the world of tantra as a form of sexual healing.

While it's not an Oscar-contender by any means, it was enjoyable, and worth watching. I found it to be a fairly good layman's introduction to some of the practices of tantra, such as presence in the moment, and some of the tools of sexual tantra like breath work, eye-gazing, and the separation of ejaculation and orgasm.

There seem to be as many different styles and types of tantra as there are of yoga. One could oversimplify them into the categories of White Tantra, which is an entirely non-sexual tantra; Pink Tantra, which brings in elements of sensuality; and Red Tantra, the intentionally sexual variety demonstrated in the film.

There are those of the opinion that tantra has become too focused on the sexual, and that this is a disservice. Consider this my disclaimer in the matter: This film is not an indication of all that the wide-realm of tantra has to offer. But it IS a good film that deals with an interesting relationship challenge and provides a good introduction to sexual tantra. I refer you to Sacred Sexual Healing by Baba Dez Nichols and Kamala Devi for more practical information about these three paths and using them in your life.

You can rent it through Netflix or request it at your local video joint. I recommend it for the curious!

M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

Open Dating?

2011-03-30T08:08:00.003-06:00

A high-school friend of mine saw my post about open relationships, and asked some questions. He's single, but thinks that dating with the intention of monogamy may not suit him. At least, it hasn't worked well so far. Let's take a look at the alternatives to traditional dating...

Traditional dating tends to be a period of time during which people have fun together, get to know each other, and determine if there is enough interest, chemistry, and/or compatibility to pursue a monogamous future together. But what if monogamy is not your goal?

I recommend that you be clear about that within the first two or three dates, if not during the very first one. If you don't ever see yourself committing to one single partner, your date deserves to know that, bearing in mind that your opinion could change. It could, and she should know that it may not.

If you intend to "date" more than one person at a time, it's up to you whether or not you out that fact to your dates. Dating doesn't have to be exclusive. It's totally valid to spend time with and enjoy multiple partners without an "it's only you" commitment. This gets trickier once you involve sex in the mix, as many people falsely associate sexual intimacy with an increased level of commitment.

Thus, if you intend to be sexually intimate with more than one partner at a time, clue them in to this little factoid BEFORE you engage in any bodily-fluid-swapping contact. I also highly recommend that you get yourself tested for STIs, know your partners' health statuses, and use barriers, like condoms and/or dental dams. Your dates deserve the right to NOT share you with other partners, so give them the chance to say No. Only when they have the opportunity to give you a full-informed No can they also give you a fully-informed Yes.

"Is there a relationship of sorts or is it strictly sexual?" he asks.

That entirely depends on what you and your partners want! You may choose to date several people for the purpose of having fun and sharing companionship, and date several other for the purpose of fulfilling sexual needs and desires. Or there may be cross-over... some dates are sexual, others are not. There is no right answer, or one right way, and you get to create your dating life in the way that inspires you!

"What is the other person usually seeking?"

That depends on the person. There are a lot of polyamorous people on OKCupid, for example. Some of them (like my husband) are looking for additional sexual friendships, and others (like me) are interested in adding new significantly romantic, emotional, and sexual relationships. The key is to know what YOU want, and then look for people who also want that.

"Is the other party typically single or are they married? If married what if the partner is cheating on their spouse? (Personal note: I don't condone that.)"

It could be either! I'm about to date a single man, who's also dating a female friend of mine, and I went on a lovely date last week with her husband. LOL! Thank goodness we're all mature adults! My husband is also enjoying a sexual friendship with a married woman, whose husband fell in love with someone else. Single or married - you could go either way.

I choose not to date (or fuck) people who are cheating on their spouses. I'm a very public person, and I'm not willing to expend the energy to Hide anything. AND, some married people feel that cheating is the only way to meet their physical needs while maintaining a happy marriage with their spouses. That's their call, not mine.

The key here? Know your own limits, and honor them.

That said, sometimes people lie. I received a call once from the wife of a man I thought was single... and wasn't that awkward?! Just do your best!

"Are there limitations or restrictions?"

Of course - I am limited to and restricted by my agreements with my husband. EX: If we have an agreement that oral sex on the first date is okay but penetrative intercourse is not - that's a limitation. Having intercourse on the first date would thus be considered Cheating.

My partners are also limited by my agreements with my husband, as they also have to walk that same line. NOTE: If I don't tell the truth about my agreements, and say Stop or No when I've agreed to stop, that's on ME - not them. They are not at fault if I break an agreement, or if we cross a line that I didn't know was a trigger for my spouse.

That said, if she tells you she can not have sex with you tonight, and then, after making out and getting all hot and bothered, says that it'll really be okay, really... Tough as it may be, I'd suggest that you honor her original response and politely decline. Leave her wanting more rather than potentially stepping across that boundary. Do not give her, or her spouse, the opening to blame YOU for her unwillingness to honor her agreements.

Ya get me? It's not worth the potential mess. If she wants you that much, she'll come back.

"Are they friends of the marriage/relationship or is it best kept separate?"

Again, that entirely depends! I know people who prefer a very private kind of poly... "You know that I'm going out with someone else, and that's all you need to know." My husband and I both prefer a very community-style type of poly... his new fuck-buddy is a developing girlfriend of mine, and he has met (and approved) both of the men I've gone out with. I could totally see us going out on a double-date sometime and having a blast! But would our dates be comfortable with that? Their preferences also matter.

It's important that your style matches with your partners. I would feel very left out if my hubby refused to tell me about his dates, or refused to let me meet and enjoy his new partners. And someone who prefers privacy could feel very confronted by being forced to meet their loved one's other partners.

So talk about it! Ask questions. Pose some What If's, and How would you feel If's. Do your best to know yourself, accept yourself, and start opening yourself to others, and remember - life is an adventure, right? There's no one way to ride that bull, so get out there and have some fun!

M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

Open Relationship... What's that? The hard stuff yet to come.

2011-03-28T08:00:00.000-06:00

It occurred to me just after posting my last entry that it might be valuable to point out some challenges of open relationships. I didn't mention them at first due to the fact that hubby and I are new to this! Certain experiences have yet to cross our paths. Nonetheless, it's likely that at some point...

One of us will fall in love with someone else, and both of us will have to deal with that. Neither one of us has yet been through what I'm thinking of as 'third-wheel NRE (New Relationship Energy)' - where he's in love with someone else, and I'm the third wheel, for example. He's not yet come home talking non-stop about another women, but it's likely to happen sometime.

One of us will feel like we're not getting enough attention, affection or time from the other. Right now, I'm the one who gives approval for him to go on a date, and vice versa. It's predictable that that level of control will diminish as we get used to sharing each other, and as demands from other partners increase. At some point, one of us is likely to feel slighted and have to make some powerful requests accordingly.

One of us will not WANT to keep our agreements, or give the other what's been requested! 'But I'm having so much fun with him, and now you want me to spend the Whole Next Week only with you? Wanh!' Chances are that one of us will have to manage a frustration when what we've agreed to do or give no longer feels like a good idea.

One of our relationships will end, and both partners will have to deal with it. NRE happens when a relationship starts. What's the term when a poly relationship ends? I count my blessing that both he and I are so responsible with our emotions - chances are that we'll be able to maintain friendships with our future exes as we already do with past ones. But there's still an amount of grieving that occurs when a relationship ends - something that brought me joy, for example, is now gone, and that's a loss. I can pretty much guarantee that one of us will experience grief, and the other will have to navigate "my partner is grieving, but I'm still here, but he/she's still grieving," etc.

None of these situations are good, nor are they bad. They are simply some challenges that to me appear unique to open relationships. Are they insurmountable? No. Are they 'growth opportunities?' Yes! Are they the reason that some couples end their open relationships? Yes.

I like to think that we're ahead of the game just by knowing that this stuff is likely to occur. So, when it does, we can say, "Oh yep. Here's that frustration that I knew would show up! Now, how shall we deal with this...?"

M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

Open Relationship... What's that?

2011-03-27T12:29:00.004-06:00

A friend from college noticed that I'd changed my Facebook status from "Married" to "In An Open Relationship."

"Does it ever get complicated?" he asked. "Like, for instance, if your husband's girlfriend decides she wants to be more than just a girlfriend. Do you ever worry that your husband might get sick of sharing you with someone else?"

Well, I have to admit that we're just starting this adventure together, so I can't yet declare that we've made it work for the long term. Nonetheless, neither of us believes that it's either realistic or fair to expect one person to meet ALL of one's intimate needs - be they emotional or physical. So, when he has another partner to meet the needs that I can't/won't meet, it actually takes the pressure off of me, and vice versa.

Am I worried that he'll ever get sick of sharing me? No, it's not something that he's doing as a favor, or a new toy that might wear out. He is committed to my well-being and satisfaction in our marriage, and I count on that as much as I share that commitment for him. A happy wife is a better wife, right? It's in his best interest that my needs get met! AND, if he asked me to be monogamous for a period of time while he/we processed something traumatic or deeply-impactful, I would accept and honor that request. We've agreed to put one another first.

So, given that I'm thrilled that I'm not his only sexual partner, what if she wanted to fill some of the emotional roles that are currently mine - like professional adviser and motivator, best friend, or meal-preparation expert? Honestly, I think I'd be happy to share some of the responsibility! I deeply want him to be happy and fulfilled, and I'm not attached to being the source of that.

At the same time, it's MY job to make sure that I still get MY emotional needs met, so there would be a period of navigation - testing things out, tripping over unrealized boundaries and then negotiating for/around them. In other words, getting upset, figuring out why, which includes totally owning my part in it, and then determining how to mitigate that. For example, is there a request I need to make for more time with him, or more contact of a particular kind, or a certain kind of communication, etc.? Sometimes it's easy, other times more complicated.

This kind of lifestyle requires HUGE personal responsibility for one's own emotions. As my friend Philip says, "The best thing about open relationships is that you get to really learn about yourself, and the worst thing about open relationships is that you get to really learn about yourself."

Anyway... in the end, neither of us believes (=fears) that we're replaceable. NOTE: it has taken a lot of inner work and communication to get there. So, our partner having another loved one/lover isn't a threat, it's a source of support. That's not how most people in our society are taught to think, and popular media does NOT support that, which is part of why I've chosen my professional path!

Crazy, huh? On the other hand, there's a LOT of freedom here, and I suspect that we'd be more likely to divorce if we didn't have an open relationship than because we Do. To each their own... :)

M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

Children, and why not to date them.

2011-03-22T08:00:00.000-06:00

So hubby and I have finally decided that we're ready to start seeing other people. If you've read many of my past blog entries, you're likely aware that we're both naturally non-monogamous, and that we each have needs that can't be met together. Thus, our solution is to find partners with whom we Can get these needs met.

Great! Now, how does one do that, exactly?

Well, I started by checking out AFF - Adult Friend Finder. I'd heard it mentioned several times and thought I should get a sense of the site, for professional reasons if nothing else. And I got LOTS of flattering attention - most women do, I suspect. And, I actually found a guy about whom I was interested to know more.

It took a lot of time for us to meet face-to-face... I got really ill right after we met online, and it took almost six weeks before I felt well enough to meet someone new in real-time. Several times I almost quit him, a few of his emails made me rather uncomfortable, but he was persistent, and extremely flirtatious - to the point that I was a little intimidated. I kept reminding him that there were no promises, and I had no idea if we'd really click or not, and that Friends HAD to come before Benefits! He assured me that he understood.

So we met for lunch. He was moderately attractive, physically, and he was funny! Nice guy - and a REAL talker. We got on very well, I thought. Overall, he was someone I'd like to add to my group of friends - and I told him so. I thought we might be able to have some manner of sexy fun, but I told him I needed to spend more time with him first to find out. He kissed me goodbye, and meh, it was okay. Again, I needed more connection first.

Well, he wasn't happy to be put off much longer, and he wasn't available when I invited him to meet my husband at an event. I thought about it, and realized that I just don't have the connection with him that I'd need for a sexual relationship, and I don't think it'll show up either. It was my error for not honoring my instincts earlier, and I owned that. I was authentic, straight, clear, and compassionate, and I welcomed a continued friendship.

HOLY SHIT! I'd forgotten how humans can rewrite their memories to suit their current state of mind!

I subsequently received a nasty, snarky attack of an email telling me that he'd never really liked me at all, how annoying I am, how he knew from early on that I'm an egomaniac, etc., etc. and SO many other simply mean and childish things. Mean, childish, and with no basis in reality! I could show you the emails, the text messages, the many aspects of how he chased me and how excited me was about meeting me, etc. But no. Either he's the biggest player I've ever met - and I honestly don't think he's that skilled - or he's rewritten the past to save him from facing his own disappointment.

So what have I learned from this?

Trust my instincts. If I'm at all uneasy about someone, then I don't need to meet them!
It's okay to take my time - and theirs. I have a life. You do too. If you don't get to meet me right away, that's okay! You can wait! And so can I. Anyone who feels the need to rush me probably isn't someone I want to meet.
If the chemistry/connection isn't there, then it isn't there. I'm not looking for a relationship that will grow on me - I'm explicitly looking for a quick and palpable connection. And that's okay.
I might want to go out on 3, 5, or even 10 dates before I decide whether or not I'm going to have sex with you! And I will make sure you understand that from the start. If you've got a problem with that, then we shouldn't "start" at all!

I have also been reminded that there are some very emotionally immature adults in the world, and that sometimes good intentions don't matter. Not everyone can handle the straight facts. I'd still like to make a difference with him - his behavior is not conducive to successful future relationships - but given the story he's told himself about me... I doubt he could hear anything I say.

I am sad and disappointed. But there's also excitement, because I've met this other guy through OkCupid...

M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

Rant: Rihanna, you do us wrong.

2011-01-08T12:00:00.000-07:00

Dance club diva she may be, but I've gotta admit that some of Rihanna's lyrics make me uncomfortable, and her latest hit has me downright disturbed and annoyed. Crimony, it makes me feel like an old lady railing against 'the music those kids listen to today', but when must an artist take responsibility for the cultural and social impact of their message? Allow me to explain...

Let's review some of the possible lessons of Rihanna's lyrics for "Only Girl".

(Refrain)
Want you to make me feel like I'm the only girl in the world
Like I'm the only one that you'll ever love
Like I'm the only one who knows your heart
Only girl in the world...
Like I'm the only one that's in command
Cuz I'm the only one who understands how to make you feel like a man, yeah

1) Co-dependence
The very concept that it's Your responsibility to make Me feel like a woman, or mine to make you feel like a man, is co-dependent. My emotions are mine, and it's MY job to manage them, not yours, and vice versa.

2) Selfishness
Why would I want to be the Only One that my partner will ever love? ('has loved' is implied, eh?) Or who will ever know his heart? How f@%&ing selfish is that?!

Loving people and being loved in return is a joyous and magical experience that I want my partner to have. I hope he's been loved by many people before me, and should we break up, that he'll find love with others in the future. Even if we agree to be monogamous, I still hope that he meets new people, comes to love them, and has lots of people in his life with whom he can share his heart.

Not only would I find it selfish to hoard his love for myself, but it's also selfish to deny him other resources for experiencing love. (Not to mention the pressure placed on me should I be made responsible for meeting all of his future needs in the realm of love. But that's a different issue altogether.) Why would I want to limit his life this way unless I'm threatened, which brings me to the next point...

3) Competitiveness
Perhaps it's just me, but isn't there a measure of competition once I demand to be the Only One? It's me OR anyone else. Now, before you get all uppity, I acknowledge the difference between wanting to BE the only one and wanting to FEEL LIKE the only one. Bear with me here...

If it's desirable to Feel like the only one, it must therefore be desirable to BE the only one, and for me to be the only one, I must be in competition with others. And this is the message that we soak up without question... It's Me vs. You ladies.

Now go watch the video. First, if she were the only girl in the world, I doubt she'd be wandering around the desert in her low-backed strapless bra!

The real issue is the message that she's selling... one of which is that men are submissive. How else do you explain her lyric about 'making him beg for it and then swallow his pride,' ergo - emasculating him, and that she's 'the only one who makes him feel like a man?' Okay, yes, some men are submissive by choice, but not all! Most men I've dated felt LESS like a "man" when emasculated, but perhaps that's just me.

And women... well, clearly, providing enthusiastic sex is what will make us feel valued and desired. We're sold the line that we'll win the competition for attention by being really giving in bed, putting his sexual needs first, and by being responsible for his feelings of masculinity. (Which we've already undermined...)

REALLY? For a one night stand, that's fine. But for any other substantial relationship, not so much. Albeit, it's not an uncommon message, and yet, it does not lead to a healthy and fulfilling partnership. And musical messages are so subliminal! They sneak right in and inform our view of ourselves, each other and the world without our even noticing. Is it any wonder that so many of us experience such mental and emotional, not to mention physical, trauma as we enter the realm of romantic and sexual relationship?

Rihanna, I implore you... if you actually care about the well-being of your fans, please take a tougher look at what you choose to promote with your beats and your voice. You can do so much better, and we deserve it.

M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

All at once well met. Hello, Winnipeg!

2011-01-05T17:13:00.000-07:00

This was written two months ago, and held for personal considerations. Let's go back to early November...
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Here I am in Winnipeg, Manitoba, doing my affirmations and energetic field work, hanging with myself, having awesome conversations with taxi drivers, and making a difference in the lives of free-trade shop owners. Holy shit. Stay tuned for the miracle...

I decided to hang out at The Forks today, a relatively new development of shops, a market, an open-air amphitheater, a prairie garden, and several other walks and areas and features that educate a visitor about the history of the land, the region, and the peoples. Almost instantly, it spoke to me. I grew up deeply connected to wild lands, reading about the legends of the Sandy Lake Cree, and there, right before me in an outdoor park, was written Cree. A part of me is at home here.

The amphitheater's stone elements are carved with stories of many cultures' relationships to the night sky, most topped with a metal structure that sights the mentioned stars from the center of the plaza at certain days and times of the year. I learned about the Three Steps of Vishnu, the Mesopotamian Lion and Sickle, the Chinese lovers Niu Lang and Zhi Nu who, banished to opposite sides of the sky, are connected once yearly by a bridge of magpies across the constellation Cygnus. And more.

I've long desired a powerful telescope, so you know that I geeked out.

This, however, came AFTER investigating the market and shops, upon which I met P. She has a shop there, which I was about to walk right past when she made eye contact and said, "Hi!" So I responded in kind and decided to check out her wares.

"What are you reading?" she asked, seeing my latest Terry Pratchett book poking out of my pocket. I praised his skill and cleverness as a writer, and she showed me what she's reading... a book by Eckhart Tolle, a spiritual writer/composer/etc. who's crossed my path, and my Ipod, before.

Thus launched an hour-long conversation about spirituality, relationships, marriage, writing and publishing, websites, energy work, and more. Which was great enough... and here comes the miracle.

I mentioned my affirmations, which I've been led to write myself... three each morning. One of this morning's affirmations was, "I make a difference with everyone I meet." Well, it turns out that P, who has been happily married and entirely faithful for over 25 years, has an admirer... a professional man, younger-than-she, with whom she has felt a deep connection. A heart-connection blending with desire, longing, and chemistry.

And although she has broken off communication with him (he's truly stuck on her even though she's married, and has been trying to entice her onto the slippery slope of "just-friendship"), and though she has never encouraged him, nor done anything other than hug him, she has felt guilty.

"I would never take action," she explained, "because if I did I know I'd hide it, and even if I hid it, my husband would know. And then it would be over, and I LOVE my husband." She is a happily, lovingly, joyfully married woman, and she's felt guilty for even feeling what she has felt for this other man. "How can it be possible?" she asked me.

WELL! Did she ask the right person or what?!

So she talked, I listened, I shared, she inquired, I explained, and she was SOOOO relieved. "I've never told anyone other than my sister about this!" she said.

Monogamy is simply what works for her, her husband, and for their marriage. And somehow, knowing that there are other ways, that she can feel what she feels and still trust herself to make the choices that honor her marriage, and that feeling those feelings does not automatically dishonor her husband, has allowed her to release the guilt. YAHOO! An hour well-spent!

She hopes to see me again before I leave town, though I'm not sure how that will happen. I'm going to help her figure out something technical about her website, and I know that we'll stay in touch. She is too cool, with too much going on, to not follow her adventures with curiosity and enthusiasm.

And so, though it looks like this trip is pushing my finances toward their limit, how can I NOT have faith that I am in the right place at the right time, doing exactly what I'm supposed to do? This adventure has largely been about hearing and following my inner guidance. So far, so great!

ps - All At Once Well Met is the title of an English madrigal by Thomas Weelkes. I sang madrigals in high school, and this title spoke to me as I stood in the clear, chill air of the amphitheater, reflecting on the wonder of "coincidence." :)

M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

Success for NCSF's DSM Revision Project!

2011-01-02T22:40:00.004-07:00

I've supported the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom for years now, and I find this recent news particularly share-worthy. Yay for the NCSF! You can learn more about their mission at www.ncsfreedom.org.

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NCSF's DSM Revision Project is Successful in 2010

By: Susan Wright

NCSF Media Relations

One of the ways we can see the positive affect of NCSF's DSM Revision Project is in the outcome of child custody cases. NCSF's Incident Response program helps almost 500 people a year: 132 people asked for help with child custody/divorce cases in 2009, while 154 people asked for help with the same in 2008. NCSF provides expert referrals, educates lawyers and social service professionals, and supplies the research and information that can convince family court judges to allow kinky parents to keep custody of their kids.

Five years ago, NCSF's success rate was approximately 20% when it came to refuting the false contention that a parent is unfit because they're involved in BDSM, swinging or polyamory. Today, that success rate has risen to 50%.

A large part of this success is due to NCSF's efforts to change the tone of the conversation in media and politics. In 2010, NCSF staff were successful in persuading the American Psychiatric Association to depathologize Sexual Sadism, Sexual Masochism, Fetishism and cross-dressing. Since then, family court judges have cited the proposed revisions for the DSM-V (that have not even been published yet) as the reason for dismissing challenges to child custody due to a parent's alternative sexuality.

In the years ahead, with your support, NCSF will continue to make strides to achieve equality for all consenting adults no matter who they love or how they have sex.

EM Field Work Saved My Sex Life

2010-12-03T18:45:00.006-07:00

Over the past several months I've gotten trained in a method of working within the human electromagnetic (EM) field. Not only has this provided results for my clients, but when I say that it has saved my sex life, I'm not even overstating the case. Check it out...

Over the past year, I had slowly lost my libido. As a relationship coach and sexuality educator, you can imagine some of the challenges this posed. Women would call me about their reduced sex drive, and I'd think, "Me too!" Was my fiance unattractive? No! Was I repulsed by sex? No. If he started things, I'd eventually warm up and have fun. I just didn't care to pursue sex, nor did I find men (or women) particularly desirable. This was NOT usual for me, and long before our wedding I was getting really scared.

It was also very frustrating for my fiance-now-husband. While we were convinced that it was a temporary situation, nothing we tried (going off birth control pills, taking various supplements, exercising more, etc.) made any appreciable difference. Thank God he's such a patient and loving man.

Since our wedding in September, my favorable response to his touch had diminished even further. Roughly ten days ago we hit a crisis when I burst into tears during sex. Not the good tears, the bad ones. Even a moment of physical pain - even strong discomfort - launched me into thoughts of, "My pain doesn't matter to you." "I just have to take it." "If I speak up there will be painful consequences." All of this encapsulated by a thick layer of deep fear and anxiety.

We began working on it together, laying in bed for 30-60 minutes at a time while he touched me gently on my arm, my wrist, my sternum, my abdomen. "How's this? What thoughts come up?" Again, abject anxiety and terror. "I have no choice," and much more. We discovered that my experience of physical arousal had become associated with physical pain, helplessness and fear. The one immediately led to thoughts of the other. I have never been forced to have sex without my consent, but I FELT like I was processing the results of sexual abuse! What the hell was going on?!

Upon discovering this collapse between arousal and fear, I called my coach, the life coach who introduced me to EM field work, and asked him to do an integration for me. He agreed and we met the next day, which was two nights ago.

The first step in any integration is declaring an intention and setting a goal, and he was extraordinary at helping me to discern additional aspects of what's been going on and distill it into a clear goal. Part of what showed up was a link between a non-sexual incident with my father when I was six and a rage incident with my husband at about the time that my desire began diminishing. I had never connected them before because their behaviors and the circumstances were so different, but MY emotional experience was identical: The man I loved the most had physically hurt me, out of the blue, I didn't know why, and I was being blamed for something. Seeing that connection, while amazing, did nothing to resolve the issue… but it helped us arrive at my intention of Courage and Forgiveness.

And then we did an integration. It was effortless – my job being to lay on the massage table, lock my deltoid when he asked me a question (muscle testing), and to keep my intention present – and it took all of 30 minutes. One of the things I love about this work is how gentle it is on the body and mind!

So I drove home. Immediately, I felt a freedom around my husband, something that had been in the way was gone. He noticed that I was much more affectionate, which he really appreciates. I can look him in the eyes for longer. I can kiss him without feeling the need to squirm away after a few seconds. Even spooning him in bed feels different, closer somehow.

The next day we challenged my body as we had before. "What if I touch you here? What's there for you?"

The results this time? NOTHING'S WRONG! A touch is just a touch again. It no longer means that sex is impending whether I want it or not, and that I should get scared. Sexual arousal is just arousal… and it's even enjoyable again! No fear, no terror, no anxiety. Even intercourse is more enjoyable! The nattering conversations and disempowering thoughts that had been filling my mind and clouding my perception are quiet now, and I am once again free to Experience.

Now, I may not yet be my lush, desirous, fully sexually expressed self again, but to be without the fear of pain and repercussion after twelve months of distress is HUGE. A damn miracle is what it is, and that it transformed in under two hours, nearly effortlessly, blows me away.

THAT is exactly why I now offer this work to my clients, my family, friends, STRANGERS! It is the most powerful tool I've come across to address a particular area of concern quickly, easily, gently, and with instant, clear (and sometimes miraculous) results. Check it out at my website.

What would YOU like to change or have be different in your life?

M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

How not to end up in court.

2010-11-14T12:15:00.004-07:00

I find myself compelled to discuss the following article about a trial in progress against a BDSM Master, accused by a slave who has - since her accusation - moved back in with him. Oy Vey!

Let's look at what it means to be a slave. To quote from the 5-page negotiation contract that she signed, "By signing this slavery contract, it is agreed that slave gives up all rights to her own person in every manner, and that Master takes entire possession of slave as property.” This is one of the primary distinctions between being a submissive and being a slave.

Submissives can request renegotiation, or even say no, though there will likely be consequences to such a strong action. A slave, by most definitions, has willingly given up the right to negotiate and to refuse, and has expressly turned over his or her well-being to the Master/Mistress in whatever way is negotiated in the terms of the contract. Thus, when "Prosecutors allege he acted illegally because she did not consent that time to being handcuffed and beaten," it is clear that the prosecutors do not understand the Master/slave (M/s) dynamic. As a slave, her permission is not given on a "this time" vs. "that time" basis. She has agreed to become his property, and he can do with his property what he wishes.

That said, this is why it is SO important not to rush into an M/s contract. Giving up one's rights is no small matter - the only way for a slave to get free used to be to Run Away! Today, in the modern free world, it may be that a consensual slave can change his/her mind and break the contract, but this is emotionally a BIG deal for all involved, and nothing to bandy about as a regular back-up plan. It is imperative that one takes the time to get to know the Master/Mistress fully, and to be explicitly clear in the negotiation what is and is not to be agreed to in the contract.

For example, "Prosecutors say he was angry because she wanted to end their relationship after catching him having sex with another woman in a nightclub's parking lot." Did their contract state that "Master may engage in sexual activity with whomever he chooses with or without slave's knowledge?" It may have been implied, but if clearly stated, she had given up her right to get upset, or to use that as an excuse to void the contract.

Additionally, beating one's partner out of anger is always a challenging situation, even when she/he has relinquished the right of refusal. There's no more I can say about that.

So in February she "told friends, an emergency room nurse and doctor, a police sergeant and a police detective that Wise attacked her." Also, she "neither told police nor the doctor about her lifestyle because she was embarrassed." Now she say that it was consensual, and she denies the attack.

Now he's on trial. Excuse me, but WHAT DID SHE THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!

We have GOT to come out of the closet, people! We like what we like. Society will only get re-educated one person at a time, and it starts with each one of us opening up to someone.

It is VERY important when you're involved in any kind of consensual play dynamic that could leave bruising or marks to out yourself to your doctors! They are required, by law, to notify 'the authorities' when they see signs of possible physical abuse. Said conversation might go like this:

"Hi Doc. I want to make you aware that I engage in consensual BDSM, which means that I may occasionally show up with bruises, scrapes, or burns (or whatever result given the manner of kink you enjoy). Again, this is consensual, and I do not want you to worry or notify the authorities without asking me about it first. I promise that I will tell you if it was against my wishes. Do we have a deal?"

Furthermore, you now have an opening to educate your doctor if he/she has questions, and that is a service for the whole community! My doctor said, "I only care that you're healthy and happy. If you say you are, we're good." AWEsome.

Now, RE: her choice to go to the cops... Perhaps it WAS abuse. M/s relationships are complex emotional constructs. Perhaps she was emotionally triggered at the thought that he might be "cheating on her," and perhaps he lost his control and beat her out of anger. If that was outside the negotiated realm of their contract, it may have constituted non-consensual abuse. If that is so, I'm glad she took the step to get support. (In which case, one must wonder about her mental state since she's chosen to return to her "abuser.")

There are too many unknown details to say much more, only that:
1) it's unfortunate that people may draw false assumptions about the BDSM lifestyle & it's participants from this case,
2) yes - it's a very complex system of relationship, and
3) it is dangerous, given our current legal system, when either party brings in outside influences without fully considering the consequences.

I wish both parties a successful outcome.

M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

A story worth reading

2010-11-04T10:23:00.003-06:00

Sorry, y'all, not a new blog just yet, but I MUST share this link with you. This is a blog post from a mother, about her 5 y.o. son and the reaction of several other mothers to her son's choice of Halloween costume. He decided to be Daphne, from Scooby Doo.

http://nerdyapplebottom.com/2010/11/02/my-son-is-gay/

PLEASE read and share this. Bullying is, at least to some extent, learned from the parent's intolerance.

Happy November,
Makael

Coming Out Day... my personal story.

2010-10-11T20:19:00.003-06:00

In honor of Coming Out Day, I thought I'd share the most entertaining story of when I "came out" as kinky to my family.

I believe that it was Christmas day, possibly in 2004 or 2005, and if it wasn't Christmas day, it was damn close, and it makes a better story this way, so work with me here. By that point I'd already had my first Dominant boyfriend. He'd been a fiance, actually, and I had hinted about this or that to my parents. As an only child, we've always been very close, and it goes against my grain to keep major elements of my life hidden from them. Nonetheless, we'd not had a major conversation about it, as you can guess.

My Mom, step-Dad, and maternal Grandmother were visiting from Peoria, IL and we'd sat down after the gift giving and receiving, had a lovely meal, and were hanging about in the living room of my first house and generally chatting about life. I mentioned a course that I was taking, and the associated project I'd had an idea to create.

"It's a class, of sorts," I said, "a series of classes."

"What about?" they asked.

"Are you sure you want to know?" I asked, preparing to risk whatever response came my way.

They were, after all, guests in my very own house, and could return to their hotel room if it was just simply too much. I come from a fairly liberal family, pro-racial equality, gender equality, and anti-animal cruelty, so I was fairly sure that my Mom would take it in stride. My step-Dad and Grandma were the rogue factors.

"Of course," they replied.

"Well," I said, "It's called Pillow Talk, and it's a series of group discussions about sexuality that I'd like to get into the colleges. You know, what it means to be a sexual being, how much more is involved than the physical and biological aspects of it. One of the workshops is called '31 Flavors of Kink' and discusses all kinds of sex toys. Another one discusses alternative lifestyle choices like swinging and polyamory, and one discusses BDSM... do you know what that means?"

*Hold breath!*

"Um, no."

"Well, BDSM is an acronym for three different communities that cross-pollinate a lot - Bondage & Discipline, Dominance & submission, and Sadism & Masochism, which you've likely heard referred to as S&M," I said, launching into an esoteric education on the basic dynamics and elements of the BDSM world.

"Hmmm!" they said, expressing appropriate levels of polite interest and discovery.

Now came the personal plunge.

"I, for example, have recently come to discover a side of myself that is clearly submissive! In fact, I only made sense to myself and realized that I wasn't broken when I discovered that this is a valid lifestyle choice."

"Really?"

"Yes!"

"And what does that mean?" ASKED MY GRANDMOTHER!

"Well," I said, "it means that I particularly enjoy a dynamic with my romantic and intimate sexual partners where they are in control, and I may even be ordered to perform certain tasks on their command. Somehow, the giving up of control, or rather, relief from having it, provides something that is very satisfying to me."

"So how might that work?" ASKED MY GRANDMOTHER, again.

"Well, there are certain implements one might use..." I explained, and proceeded to discuss floggers, bondage, sensation play, role play, etc.

Perhaps 30 minutes later we took a break. Perhaps we took a snowy walk around the neighborhood to look at the lights - honestly I can't remember. What I DO remember is that later that evening, while I was washing the dishes, my grandmother popped her head around the edge of the doorway and said to me, "You are SO cool!" and then left the room again.

She sent me a letter a few weeks later, sharing with me the story of a time when my grandfather was traveling and another man had flirted with her, and possibly proposed a romantic interlude. The details remain unclear in my mind, and I'm satisfied to leave them that way. The point was that she saw something of herself in me, and to this day she continues to be one of my biggest fans.

My step-Dad continues to be proud of me for following my own path, as does my actual Dad. My Dad got a bit confronted a few years back when, during a camping trip together, I showed him how to daisy-chain the backpack rope like we do with bondage rope. BUT it provided an opportunity for him to share his concerns that I'm putting myself in dangerous situations, and for me to correct his misconceptions and alleviate his fears as much as an only daughter can. It is not something he chooses to discuss, ever, but I am not pressured to hide my life, and THAT is a gift.

So happy Coming Out Day to all who have, to all who will, and to all for whom it remains a fear. May your families surprise you with their love and acceptance, and may you accept Yourself, no matter their response.

Namaste.

M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

Polyamory - the ugly people's sex club?!

2010-09-09T12:32:00.003-06:00

Peter, on 08 September 2010, posted a blog about his opinions on poly people all being ugly, choosing poly because we need to keep our options open and can't find that one right partner (more likely that they're out of our league). My response follows his blog.

PETER:

I’ve been suspecting something for a long time, so I’m just going to come out and say it.

I think that all these people that are into polyamory on the internet are all overweight and or ugly people that don’t want to die alone and so they want to get involved with one person, to stop that happening while leaving their options open because they realise that they’re settling for something.

I kind of think it’s like some weird ugly people sex club.

I think the only reason to keep your options open is because you think you’re settling for something or what you’re getting into isn’t exactly right for you. I think it’s entirely possible to have all your needs met by one person and if they aren’t then you settled before you found the right one.

Saying I want to have the ability to fuck other people, is essentially, exactly the same as saying.. I’m not going to be ok just fucking you for the rest of my life.

I think all of them would pack the polyamory thing in for the right person. It’s just, if my theory is correct, the right person for them (in their mind) is sadly out of their league.

I justify all of this, by saying I’ve never actually seen an attractive person that said they’re polyamorous.

I’ve seen a couple that have never actually been in a polyamorous relationship though, that said they’d be ok with it.. but I think that would all entirely change when their partner turned around and actually started banging someone else.

I think polyamory is the open, honest version of getting into a relationship and then cheating on your partner.

I think the root causes are the same. I think it’s all down to not having your needs met on some level, but like I said, I feel if that’s the case then you should be dropping the person you’re with and getting with someone that does meet those needs and not getting into a relationship and then continuing to look for that person while having a fall back plan incase it never happens.

So there it is.

I’m ok with someone proving me wrong however. It’s just I don’t think I am.

MAKAEL:

Well, that is certainly one judgmental way to look at things, particularly for one who's never met a poly person to whom he was attracted. Your opinion is... Yours, and you're entitled to it. So if you decide that I look like a walrus, you'll use that as justification to ignore the rest of what I'm about to say? Weak sauce. You can do better than that.

You are confusing Swinging with Polyamory, among other things. Here's a link to a blog I wrote in 2007 distinguishing the two.

As a core point, however, you believe in One True Love Who Can Meets All Your Needs (and, one must assume, ALL of whose needs you can also meet), and I do not. Nothing I have to say will change your mind, nonetheless, I'll make my points. (That stuff about us all being ugly is just puerile and not worth my response.)

As a relationship coach, and a non-monogamous woman who's wedding is one week from tonight, I entirely disagree with your view that one couple can (should?) be everything to each other, and that if you haven't found THAT person, than you've settled. In my experience, it takes extraordinary courage to truly admit to your passions and desires, and create a partnership that allows your needs to be met. That is NOT settling.

And while we're on that point... Are you single or married? If married and you believe that you've found that One person - Hooray for you! I sincerely hope that your (very high) expectations continue to be met. If single... perhaps you will find that one, someday. Keep looking for 10 more years, and then let's talk. And for your reading pleasure, I offer: Love in the Western World, by Denis de Rougemont.

In case you haven't noticed, the assumption of monogamy is not working... largely, IMHO, because it is often an Assumption instead of a Choice. We are so thoroughly inundated from a young age with the idea that monogamy is THE way for sex in a marriage that most people never stop to question whether or not that actually empowers, excites and works for them!

The facts are the facts: The divorce rate was 49% per the CDC in 2008. Infidelity is rumored to run around 60% for men and 40% for women, and to be on the rise among women (given the social stigma, it's VERY difficult to gain accurate data on infidelity). We SAY monogamy, we TALK about our 'one true partner', but that's not the way we live our lives.

Swinging and Polyamory, forms of functional non-monogamy, happen with the complete knowledge, awareness, and agreement of both parties in a committed relationship. This is the opposite if Cheating, which is defined by breaking agreements (specifically the assumed agreement of monogamy), hiding, and sneaking around. That's why cheaters get CAUGHT. Swingers and polyamorists don't get Caught because we've got nothing to Hide!

In fact, being this open about your authentic desires, and facing your own fears and insecurities (like jealousy), can create an extremely strong bond between partners. It can also teach you relationship skills that benefit every area of your life, and every type of relationship you have.

AND monogamy is a completely valid choice. For some people it works. As does celibacy. I'll make my choices, you'll make yours, and we'll each have our own opinions. Viva la difference!

M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

The predictable future, and other mis-truths.

2010-09-01T11:06:00.007-06:00

Well, we're now at T minus 15 days until my wedding, and 9 days until we leave for the East Coast. To say that this has been taking up my time would be accurate. Even a supremely small wedding like our, with only 14 adults and three children, involves flowers, and locations for family gatherings, and my dress and his clothes, and gifts for our families, and officiants and licenses, hair and make-up, a photographer, etc. But that's not the only thing that's been on my mind, and probably not the major thing. I've largely been up against my metaphysical paradigm. Let me explain...

I was a good human child. I took the domestication, and I dove right into the Midwestern Work Ethic with which I was raised. Life works a certain way, I learned - work hard, really hard; put in your time; pay your dues; and suck it up - sometimes we have to do things we don't want to do. Contribute to society by being such a hard worker, until you've established enough of a financial base to retire, which you're only allowed to do when you reach the age of 70 or so. Then, and only then, do you get to relax and thoroughly enjoy your life.

Yeah, yeah, so I created myself as being Retired NOW, and that has provided some freedom from the Push Push Push & Hard Work that was a major reason I left Washington DC. But my internal conversations about "money" continue to be the monkey on my back, and I've come to realize something even more dangerous - even more insidious - something I learned that has caused me an extreme amount of fear and anxiety over the years.

I've been taught that I should be able to predict the future.

I have been taught that having a job that pays me money on a regular interval allows me to accurately forecast my future. I can "make plans" because I know what money is coming in when, and how I'll be able to pay for things... right? Well, maybe not. I have seen payment for services rendered NOT get paid - sometimes to the order of $20K. My previous tenant, who's boss vouched that he would always have a job, lost his job when the company closed in 2009. I have also seen unexpected checks, refunds, and work opportunities show up out of the blue.

The truth, it seems to me, is that the future is completely unknown - a mystery in which anything could happen at any time. A comet could hit the planet, an earthquake could raise a new underwater mountain and thus raise sea levels, or I could receive $20K from a generous admirer. ANYthing could happen.

If that's the case, what's the point in worrying about HOW things will play out in the future? How will I pay for the training I want to take, for the conference I want to attend, for Q's unexpected $16K hospital bill. What if this doesn't happen, and that occurs, and what if... It's all a mental masturbation... and even worse, a Negative Future Fantasy. (Thanks, Barb Wade, for such a great term!) The future is entirely unknown, and it's going to happen the way it will happen. I trust myself to deal with emergencies when they occur, knowing that "I should have known better" is a lie. The simple fact remains that in THIS moment everything is fine!

This has led me to another paradigm-shifting realization that the laws that govern My universe may not be the laws that govern Yours. When I allow myself to listen deeply to my own inner guidance, what shows up is a world in which my job is to follow what calls me - to follow my interest and attention - and, in fact, to have faith that by doing so I'll be in flow and be taken care of. THIS is what resonated with me as Real, as True.

That this way of living goes directly against everything I've learned about struggle and suffering and sacrifice - well, that's where I've been challenged lately. I flip flop between clearly knowing what actions to take, and taking those in faith, and judging myself for not taking the actions that the old paradigm says I "should" take - even if they don't inspire me. Life is blissful when I clearly hear the guidance, and as soon as it goes silent my old ways creep back in.

I feel like I'm being called to rewire my entire personal hard drive, and I know that I'm not alone.

So that's where I've been over the last month plus! A little bit here, a little bit there, sometimes inspired and led, sometimes in tears of frustration, judging myself harshly, and often grateful for the challenge. :)

As ever, I look forward to sharing the journey with you!

M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

Early Retirement

2010-07-09T08:27:00.004-06:00

I am now retired.

It's not what you may think.

I've discovered that I have an inner mechanism that connects work with survival. The way that shows up is that any time I take something I love doing - such as teaching partner dancing or coaching - make it a job (something that pays me money), and attach to it my financial well-being, it becomes Work, thus a matter of Survival, and all of the joy gets sucked right out of the experience. I begin to feel pressured, dominated by "what it takes to survive," and flip-flop between working until I drop or resisting so hard that it gives me a headache and puts me to bed! It's not effective, by any stretch of the imagination.

So I've declared myself retired!

Now, as a retired person, I get to spend my time doing activities that I love. This includes cooking, vacuuming, doing laundry and generally taking care of our household. It includes taking care of and playing with our animals! It also happens to include looking for a part-time job in a guest services/patient care environment where I can once again be part of a team (which is something I miss as a solo-preneur), talking with bookstores about carrying my book, presenting workshops and having extraordinary conversations that make a difference in people's lives.

Basically, everything that I was doing before... because I love it, not because it may pay me. Couterintuitive as it may seem, now that the pressure is off, there's a freedom to actually get things done... to let the joy drive me, and actions I've resisted taking for months have been completed in the last several days. Being retired also gives me the space to Stop Working and enjoy the weather or watch the dogs play. I'm retired, after all!

Yes, there will be bills to pay, and I will find a way to pay them. This is a simple fact of life! AND I plan to enjoy my retirement. Why wait 20 more years until society says it's okay?! I'm starting now!

M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - http://www.mmakaelnewby.com

Relationship Tip - Responsibility (=Power)

2010-06-30T10:00:00.000-06:00

As a relationship coach, you might be tempted to think that my intimate partnerships are handled, worked out, or problem-free. NOT SO, my friend!

I recently went through a major breakdown with my fiance that shook us to the very foundation of our coupledom. I'm holding back on the detailed content - the 'he said - she said' of the matter, because, in truth, that's not the point. In brief, he violated one of our core agreements with each other... he lied. Not once, but multiple times over several days about the same topic. He convincingly lied to my face even when I asked, "Is everything handled? Are you sure you've got it covered?"

All of this ugly finally hit the fan as he was driving me to the airport last Wednesday in preparation for a presentation and conference in San Francisco, and sure enough, as with most reports on infidelity, it wasn't the subject about which he lied that ultimately bothered me - it was the lying itself. But I had to leave town before the issue could be resolved! What was I to do? I had to teach a class that night, and a disappointed, exhausted, and frustrated instructor does not create a safe space for the sharing of her attendees!

The solution looked like this...

Step One - I wrote a letter to him on the plane, and said what I needed to say, much of which got cut from the final version once I'd calmed down. The hurt, the upset, the frustration... it all needed a voice. To have held it inside of me would have made it cancerous, emotionally if not physically. The blame, the anger, the victimization (EX: How could you do that to me?!)... I let it all out onto the page where it couldn't hurt anyone. I coughed up that emotional hairball until I'd said it all and my pulse had slowed again.

Step Two - I acknowledged that I was viewing it as Wrong that he had lied to me. Setting aside my judgment of the matter, the fact remains that he did what he did, said what he said, and didn't do what he didn't do. None of that is inherently right or wrong but that I SAY its so, so if that is one of the aspects of my annoyance, it behooves me to let it go. The past is the past, and there's no changing it. Unless I wanted to take all of that anger and frustration back, I'd best look for a way to regain my power.

Step Three: The hardest part - I took a deep, long look for how I was responsible for the way it went down, and here's what I saw...

I KNEW. Deep down inside of me, I knew that something was not right, that something was off in his/our world. Sure, I asked him if everything was okay, but his response did not feel right to me, and I stepped over it. I chose the less confrontational approach of "Okay, then. Just checking, thanks!" instead of trusting my own instincts and calling him out.

Now, here's the point... It would have been very easy for me to blame the whole situation on him. He's the one who lied, who didn't keep his word to me, or to himself for that matter. I did my part, right? I asked the question! It's not my fault if he lied to me... but to maintain that view leaves me the victim of the situation. 'Poor me, he lied to me and broke his promise to tell the truth.' It's not very empowering, and it provides no access for me to choose a different path in the future.

By identifying that I had not been responsible for honoring my own instincts, I reclaimed my power and created a lesson from which I could benefit. In this case: Trust My Instincts, and Be Willing To Have The Uncomfortable Conversation.

We are back in a very good place now. He is on track, and our wedding plans are coming together. I am neither holding a grudge nor anticipating the next time that it might happen. The likelihood that it will happen again is, let's face it, moderate. But I will listen to and trust my instincts, have the difficult and uncomfortable conversation, and be prepared to discover another lesson in the process!

So the next time you're tempted to blame someone else, ask yourself, "How am I responsible?"

M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

PS - I have my fiance's total permission to share about him and our life together in my blog and newsletters. He hears all of my entries before they are posted. :)

A New Alternative to a Bitter Divorce or an Unfulfilling Partnership

2010-06-29T10:00:00.001-06:00

Pursuant to my blog on collaborative divorce, I thought it important to let you know that I've recently announced the launch of my signature 7-Step Coaching System that teaches couples who are facing challenges to make loving, empowered decisions to either revitalize their bond or to end it respectfully. Working together, committed partners will learn how to get honest, step forward, take risks, and make empowered, authentic decisions to create the powerful and passionate union of their dreams – whether together or apart.

While I still offer ongoing coaching sessions for both couples and individuals' specific desires, the Marital Arts 7-Step System is the culmination of years of study and experience in the realms of interpersonal communication, relationship navigation, and sexual expression, and grows directly out of my mission that all people live the intimate relationships that inspire them.

Beginning with a 2-hour Comprehensive Assessment that supports the couple in clearly identifying their challenges, taking ground in addressing them, and creating a vision of their desired outcome, I will then custom-craft a process designed to deliver the modules that best meet the couple's needs.

The Seven Marital Arts Modules include:
1) Communication Skills: Listening, Speaking & Interpretation
2) The Dark Sides: Shame, Jealousy, Guilt, Anger & Fear
3) Core Values, Expectations & the Morality Conundrum
4) Partnership, Roles & Love Languages
5) Sex, Love, Intimacy & Sexuality
6) Relationship Purpose & Mission Statement
7) Negotiation & Agreements

Outcomes from the Marital Arts program include:
· Designing and achieving a life that aligns with your most heart-felt priorities.
· Enhanced compassion and forgiveness for yourselves and your partners – both past and present.
· Effective, loving, and genuine communication tools for decision-making, negotiating and conflict resolution.
· Reinvigorated lives with greater joy, passion, love and connection.
· A new enthusiasm and anticipation about the future.

For a limited time, you are invited to engage in a COMPLIMENTARY CONSULTATION to explore where you’re at in terms of relationship and intimacy, what may or may not be working, and what you truly desire to create for yourself. Know what’s possible, and see the simple steps that will take you there! (And there are no strings attached!) You and your partner(s) can also take my FREE Relationship Assessment Quiz at MMakaelNewby.com. Whether partnered or single, just click on the offer!

Lastly, it’s your referrals that allow me to get to do what I love. Please share this offer with those you know whom my services may benefit. I truly need your help to create a world of empowered, inspiring relationships! Thank you!

I can be reached at makael@mmakaelnewby.com, 540.623.9542 and toll-free at 1.866.928-7856. My workshops, videos and newsletter are all visible at MMakaelNewby.com.

“Makael is very attentive to stated goals and skilled at maintaining focus in the discussion. She offers practical advice that when followed brings the desired results. I have benefited from her experience and grown as a person because of her dedication to her clients.”
- Frank Albert, Evergreen

“I really appreciate the coaching you gave me a few months ago... I've been openly poly for about six months and am experiencing more love and intimacy (not just sex) than ever.... thank you!”
- Chad, Denver

“He knew I’d been on the phone, and I offered that you were doing coaching with me around my sexuality. He asked if there was anything I'd like to share, so we talked! Yay! It was so much easier than I thought it would be. Thank you!”
- Sherry, Peoria

“I really found value in your Relationship Tip of the Month: Responsibility (= Power). We’ve also been going through a tough time and your article really hit home for me. I found it honest and empowering. Thanks for sharing your life's experiences!”
- Chris, Cleveland

“Your Tip of the Month: Purpose made my first marriage make sense and took away my fear for another relationship that could be as intense. It was so healing for me! Thank you for your newsletter!”
- Chetna, Washington DC

--
M. Makael Newby
Relationship Coach, Author, Presenter, Sexuality Consultant
Ph. 540.623.9542 or Toll Free 1.866.928.7856

Helping open-minded and inquiring people create fulfilling, lasting and juicy relationships in all areas of their lives, particularly their sex lives.

Offering a 7-Step Coaching System that helps couples facing challenges who want to make loving, empowered decisions to revitalize their bond or to end it respectfully.

The Website - www.mmakaelnewby.com
The Blog - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com
The Book - www.myeroticadventure.com
Portland Meet-up - www.meetup.com/RelationshipChoice
Twitter @msmakael

M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

Collaborative Divorce

2010-06-28T12:19:00.001-06:00

Collaborative Divorce is an interdisciplinary, non-lawsuit style of ending a marriage that relates to divorce as a personal relationship issue that happens to have legal attachments.

Started by lawyer Stuart Webb in Minneapolis in 1990, the parties are encouraged to communicate what is important about an issue rather than arguing for a specific position or solution. It requires, therefore, that the married couple be committed to working with and not against each other in order to achieve results.

Both parties and their attorneys sign a Participation Agreement stipulating that the attorneys will remove themselves from the divorce proceedings should they fail to reach a negotiated settlement. The couple agrees not to begin litigation during this process, to act in their children's best interests, and that all communications will be constructive and fair, among other agreements.

It is not the same as divorce mediation, in which the mediator is a neutral party. In collaborative divorce, although working together to achieve a negotiated settlement, the attorneys are not neutral. Each lawyer provides his or her client with independent legal advice.

This is clearly a gift for families with children, as it limits the likelihood of an extensive, bitter battle the likes of which can leave lasting scars. Medicine Hat, Alberta was one of the earliest cities to take advantage of this new approach such that family cases in their courts were reduced by 85%.

For the couple willing to manage their emotions and think about their future relationship to their former spouse, collaborative divorce offers a less-expensive, friendlier approach to dissolving your marriage.

Sources:
www.collaborativedivorce.net
www.nocourtdivorce.com
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Collaborative_law

M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

Good? Bad? Who's to say?

2010-06-10T13:06:00.004-06:00

Who's to say what's good or bad, right or wrong?

"Husband cheats on famously talented and gorgeous wife with her best friend."

"Bad!" You might originally think. "That's just Wrong!" But don't jump to conclusions.

Two years after just such a scandal, Shania Twain's divorce is official, and she appears to be blissfully in love... with the other woman's ex-husband.

http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20392236,00.html

Let me now make the quick point that this man may not have been available had his wife not cheated on him, and he'd certainly not be with Shania were she still married! And here they both are, smiling, laughing, and apparently enjoying each other.

It's a brain-twister, I know, but the next time you feel the urge to judge something (perhaps an infidelity), consider that this might just be exactly what's best for everyone's ultimate happiness.

M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

Polyamory. It's Personal.

2010-06-05T00:03:00.004-06:00

Well, I had an very interesting phone call tonight.

There's a man in New York who I met at a sexuality conference in 2009, when we were both single. We fooled around a little, consoled and comforted and cared for each other a bit (non-exclusively), and have remained friends in periodic contact.

I say that I love him - and I do. The world is a better place with him in it, and there is a soft place in my heart for him. He brings out my desire to "take care of" and to "be good to." He gives so much of himself so generously... my natural response is to nurture him in return. It doesn't matter that we've only spent six days in each other's sporadic presence in the last two years, or that we only talk every three months or so on average. An organic love arises in me for him, and to deny that would be a lie.

He's been going through a tough time recently... his fiancee decided that she wasn't ready to be in a relationship with anyone, and while I admire her for identifying that before they tied the knot, it has understandably been hard on him. He was feeling spurned tonight when we finally spoke, and I shared with him how much I wish we were nearer geographically, and how I'd snuggle and comfort him, were I there to do so. In response, he, being the gorgeously sexual being that he is, asked me what I fantasize about!

The truth is that I don't! I may think about certain types of interactions, and perhaps even certain people, but I have stopped actively fantasizing... an activity I may need to put back into practice! Nonetheless, I shared my desire for a "throw each other up against the wall, tear our clothes off" kind of passion... one that came naturally when we were together in 2009. Its something that my fiance (Q) and I do not share, and that he honestly doesn't want with me. Ours is a different kind of energy, and it works for us, but leaves certain things lacking... and we've discussed a mutual need to get those other aspects fulfilled with other partners. In theory.

And then my dear friend invited me to fly to New York for a weekend. And now I totally get it. Because now it's personal.

In all of my attempts and flirtations and philosophical musings around polyamory, I've never been able to truly understand how it would be to have multiple loving partnerships. What would that look like? Feel like? How would that happen? How does that really work? Certainly, I understand it from an intellectual perspective, and I can even coach effectively within that paradigm, but the emotional intelligence was missing.

I LOVE my friend, AND we are not right for being 100% of the time life-partners. He is sexy, and handsome, smart and charming, funny and passionate, and we have an undeniable physical chemistry that's very attractive. I'd truly enjoy spending a weekend dining and dancing and making out and exploring each other, simply allowing ourselves to experience and express our love for one another in every naturally occurring way.

AND I would be completely thrilled to hop back on a plane and fly back to Q, who is my home base, my pillar of support, father to our animals and my 100% playmate and life-partner.

My love for my friend does not threaten my love for Q. My love for Q does not diminish my love for my friend. And both of them are entirely authentic expressions that arise from a deeply grounded place, one that never understood why "love" should be limited.

Admittedly, it would be much more challenging were we to all live within the same city, faced with schedules and other details of modern life. And I wonder, would it impact the way that Q and I are with each other afterward? There's no way to know until it happens. But for the first time, I GET it... and that makes a whole new world available.

The lesson is this: Wonder away, but you'll never know what it's like until you're IN the experience itself. Trying to anticipate the way it would work, how you'd react, how it would feel, etc. is a waste of time. This is true not only about such crazy questions like, "If I had to lose and arm or a leg, which would I choose?" but also, most certainly, for all matters of the heart.

You disapprove? Fine. But someday, should you ever find yourself in such a situation, don't be surprised if the rules you thought you honored no longer make sense.

Until it's personal, you'll never know.

M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

A Tale of Three Relationships

2010-05-16T08:12:00.001-06:00

Another one bites the dust... a celebrity marriage, that is, or at least the public perception of perfection. On the not-too-distant heels of Tiger woods' cheating debacle comes the news of Sandra Bullock's hubby, Jesse James, and his multiple extra-marital affairs.

But all is not lost in the world of high-profile, role-model, celebrity marriages... here are three examples of functional, loving relationships, each with their own unique flavor.

1) The (Semi-)Traditional - Amy Grant & Vince Gill

Amy Grant and Vince Gill met in 1993 while taping an episode for Gill's Christmas show. Both were married at the time, and the Christmas show became a yearly collaboration as their friendship grew. Though they maintain that there was never any sexual impropriety during their marriages, their emotional connection was undeniable. Gill divorced in 1997, Grant in 1999 - and no, they were not in collusion at this point - and they married in March 2000 after a whirlwind courtship of less than a year.

Grant is one of the most influential Christian entertainers of her generation, and she took a lot of flak with the media for her divorce. Nonetheless, they seem to have created a successful family to include Gill's daughter from his first marriage, Grant's three children from her first marriage, and their own young daughter.

Some of what makes this monogamous marriage work is their willingness to learn from their previous marriages. Grant is quoted as saying, "You get into a second marriage and you go, Oh man, some of those weird dynamics, those were just me, and I've just dragged them off to the future! I shouldn't have been so hard on that first chapter!"

Knowing when not to talk, asking for support instead of resenting not receiving it, giving up being right for it's own sake, and getting clear on (and telling the truth about) your own motivations are some of the tips they use for creating a productive partnership. "A big reason why our relationship is so good," says Gill, "is that it begins with respect and kindness. If you have those two things on the front burner, then the rest is kinda easy." (Quotes from Good Housekeeping, Feb. 2010)

2) The Sexually Open Marriage - Mo'Nique & Sydney Hicks

Mo'Nique, shortly before winning a Best Supporting Actress Oscar for her performance in 2009's Precious, was profiled by Barbara Walters for her final Oscar preview show. Not only does she share her experience with child abuse at the hands of her elder brother, and why she doesn't shave her legs, she also discusses her third marriage to long-time friend Sydney Hicks - an open marriage.

Although she does not admit to having had sex outside of her marriage to Sydney, she strongly asserts that either of them could do so without ending the marriage. "That's not a deal-breaker," she says. "That's not something that we would say, 'Oh my God! Because you were attracted to another person, and because you happened to have sex, let's end the marriage.'"

By Mo'Nique's definition, an open marriage is one without secrets, in which you can tell each other your every thought and deepest fantasy, so that there are no surprises, and she credits this arrangement, her best-friendship to Sydney, and their deep knowledge of who they are for their ability to operate this way. "What if it's 20 times?" she asks, in response to Barbara's questioning of more than once. "So what?... I'm very comfortable and secure with my husband."

3) The Emotionally Open Partnership - John Byrne, Tilda Swinton & Sandro Kopp

Alright, technically this one isn't a marriage, as Tilda Swinton (Oscar-winning Best Actress for Michael Clayton) and her playwright partner John Byrne are not married, but given their twin 11-year old sons, and the fact that they've been together for 19 years, I'm inclined to include them. Here are some interesting facts about their partnership...

Byrne is 69, Swinton is 49, and Kopp, an artist, is 30. Byrne and Swinton, and sometimes Kopp as well, live in a large, rambling house in Scotland with Byrne and Swinton's twins. Although Swinton and Byrne ended their marriage over five years ago, shortly after which Kopp entered the picture, they chose to remain living together, and both men play a major role in the children's lives. "We are all a family," she has said. "What you must also know is that we are all very happy."

This is not, however, an example of the stereotypical polyamorous relationship - one with multiple emotional and sexual partners. "When you say you love the father of your children and you also are in love with someone else, they immediately assume you're all in bed together," Swinton is quoted as saying. "Maybe the unorthodox thing, it's sad to say, is that we [are] all so happy, and this comes as a shock to people."

I acknowledge and celebrate these couples, or triads, for creating relationships that fulfill them, and that will hopefully stand the test of time.

M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

Relationship Tip - Speaking Up

2010-05-14T08:00:00.000-06:00

Speaking Up

You know how it is... there's something you need to say to someone, and the dialogue plays out in your mind. I'll say this, and then she'll say that, and then I'll say, and she'll say... and it seems reasonable. You've know her long enough to anticipate her responses pretty well, right? The way you see it, it's not going to be a pretty conversation, and someone's feelings could get hurt. Perhaps, says a small voice in your mind, you should keep it to yourself for now and wait for better timing.

Don't listen to that voice's advice! It may be out to keep you "safe," but safe does not always lead to happy and successful, and isn't that what you really want for your relationships?

Try this on for size:

1) Each time you hold off in sharing yourself fully - a concern, an indiscretion, an upset - you treat the other person like they're too weak to handle it. Essentially, you turn into Jack Nicholson in A Few Good Men hollering, "You can't handle the truth!" Chances are that they're stronger than you think.

2) You also allow yourself to think that you know how they'll react. I know, you have all of your history together to tell you how they'll respond, but people can surprise you. When you hold yourself back, you deny them the chance to do just that.

3) Are you sure that you're anticipating their reactions? Often, we imagine a response that we're afraid to receive, even one that happened years ago with someone else, and apply it to our current situation. It feels like our current partner might say no, or respond harshly, but in fact, it was someone long ago who said such a thing, and we've yet to forgive them and/or ourselves.

Humans - we are such amazing creatures!

So the next time that you find yourself holding back, thinking about the response you want to avoid, the likely behavior of your partner, or trying to shelter their feelings, take a deep breathe, admit to your fears, and speak up.

Incredible relationships take incredible courage, and they're worth it.

M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

My Erotic Adventure - Guide for Therapists

2010-05-12T09:02:00.001-06:00

For those who may not yet be aware, I have written an published a choose-your-own styled erotica entitled My Erotic Adventure. What that means is that the first few pages set up a scenario for the main character... for whom you'll be playing the part!

You get to choose what she does as each choice arises. For example, if you choose to go find your friend Lynne, turn to page 4, but if you choose to stay and talk with Trevor, turn to page 7. Well, the choices get pretty spicy - to give or receive oral sex, to include another couple in your sex or put on a show for an audience, etc. Eventually, each story line must end, and there are 48 unique endings for your entertainment. You can read testimonials and sample sections here.

Well, My Erotic Adventure is now available with a Guide for Therapists, Counselors and Coaches. Including four detailed maps of the book's branching story-line, the guide reviews the Sexual Acts, Relationship Styles, Alternative and BDSM Activities, and beneficial inquiries covered in the content and/or experienced by the main character. Additionally, I've included suggestions for possible conversations that can be intentionally broached with a client by using the book as a therapeutic tool.

If you or someone you know is a psychologist, therapist, counselor, coach or mental health professional who deals with issues of sex, sexuality or intimate relationship, please recommend that they contact me to discuss how this guide may serve their client's development and progress.

Thank you!

M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

G-Spot Controversy

2010-05-09T09:00:00.000-06:00

The Grafenberg Spot, commonly referred to as the G-spot, is named after Dr. Ernst Grafenberg, a gynecologist known for his research on female genitalia. This little pleasurable area that he hypothesized in a 1950 paper has long been a cause of debate in the medical community, and has recently been the focus of a study that's come under criticism.

The study by researchers at King's College London in the UK studied 1800 female twins and published their conclusions in the Journal of Sexual Medicine. Lead study author, clinical psychologist Andrea Burri, and her team suggest that the G-spot has no genetic basis "and that environmental or psychological factors may contribute to whether a woman believes she has a G-spot or not."* The study's discussion section, however, reflects that the questions may not have been asked in a way that accurately captured the information sought.

Problem: The research team did not physically examine the women. Instead, they gave them a survey that asked if they believed they had a "so called G-spot, a small area the size of a 20p coin on the front wall of your vagina that is sensitive to deep pressure?" (a 20p coin is consistent with an American nickel.)

They found that 56% of the respondents answered "yes" and that there was no genetic correlation -- meaning, both twins did not necessarily answer the same way.

To me, this study seems not to indicate a darn thing about whether a woman actually Has or Has Experienced her G-spot, only whether or not she "thinks" she has one. This is a study about female thinking in the realm of sexuality. Using this study to invalidate the existence of the G-spot is heinous.

To quote Elizabeth Landau of CNN, "...those women who can't orgasm from vaginal intercourse may feel inadequate, and knowing that the G-spot may not exist can take some pressure off."*

Excuse me?!

Or, radical concept here, we could actually do a physical examination of women and use the tried and true, "Is it here? How about here? What about here?" technique, and then ask them if they believe they do or do not have a G-spot.

I recommend doing your own study and drawing your own conclusions.

To quote Debby Herbenick, research scientist at Indiana University and author of Because It Feels Good, "Whether you call it your G-spot or the front wall of your vagina, or if you make up a silly name for it ... at the end of the day, it's what you like and how your body works."*

*"Finding the G-spot: Is it real?" by Elizabeth Landau, CNN, January 5, 2010

M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

Relationship Tip - Listening

2010-05-07T08:10:00.000-06:00

Listening... Huh? What??

You do not listen. Don't feel badly about that -- neither does anyone else. Is it any wonder then that living with and having meaningful relationships with other people is often referred to as one of the most difficult things? We have classes on public speaking, but where are the classes on listening? If everyone is speaking, but no one is listening, it's no surprise that the divorce rate in the USA was 48% in 2008.

One of the challenges in communication is what I'll call Family Language. We were each raised in a particular family environment, where certain words were used in certain ways, and held distinct meanings. Unfortunately, there is no set standard for Family Language, and the meaning of a word or phrase for one family is likely to mean something different in another.

During a heated discussion in my mid-20s, I came to realize that, when spoken with a particular tone, the phrase "What?" to me meant "What is wrong with you, are you stupid?" I did not hear the single word my partner spoke, or even that he was asking for clarification or increased volume, I heard that he thought I was stupid.

That's another challenge with what passes for listening -- hearing our own interpretation of what's said. My family did not say those things to me, I was never told that I was stupid. For whatever reason, I took on that interpretation. Realizing that my interpretation did not represent my boyfriend's intention led me to the next question... If it wasn't true with him, was it ever true with anyone? Did my family perhaps not accuse me of being stupid?

This points to one way out of these booby traps -- listening for the speaker's intention. I know that my fiance loves and respects me and wants me to be happy. So when he speaks in a certain way, and my hackles rise, I have the opportunity to be responsible for my own interpretation and say, "Okay, I just heard you imply that I'm stupid, but I don't think you meant that, did you? Did I hear you wrong?"

If he DID mean to call me stupid, we get to have a very interesting conversation... but that has never yet happened, and when he didn't, I get to let go of being upset and actually be WITH the man who loves me.

So the next time your panties get bunched or (insert manly example here), verbally check what you heard with the person who spoke it. You might discover a false interpretation, and gain access to intimacy and connection. And who doesn't want that?!

M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

Back to the Beginning

2010-05-05T08:06:00.002-06:00

I haven't always been a relationship coach. No surprise - it's the rare person these days who retires from the same career path that they began out of high school.

My first college degree is a BFA in Theatre. It was 1987, I was young and impressionable, and I loved to sing and dance, and to build things, as I soon discovered. However, while I may have classmates on Broadway, operating theatres around the country, and in major motion pictures, the theatre lifestyle left me craving stability, and I thought I'd left it behind. Enter an unexpected alignment and opportunity!

I am now the Production Manager for Inviting Desire - a work of original theatre about women's fantasies that opens to Portland, OR audiences on May 14th. The ensemble cast surveyed over 100 women about their desires, fears and fantasies in preparation for the show, took the responses, and has crafted 15 original pieces plus several improvisations that will make you laugh, consider, and be glad you came.

For those not within driving distance of Portland, consider recommending this show to your local edgy theatre company. Our intention is to package the creative process to support other companies in creating their own original works, in a way that works!

Viva la sexual revolution! Pass my beret.

M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

Relationship Tip - Purpose

2010-05-03T11:47:00.000-06:00

Purpose

We hear the stories all the time... Couple gets married, has kids, raises kids. Kids leave home, couple gets divorced. At first we might think that they grew apart over time, or couldn't reconnect to what made them love each other in the first place.

Here's another view point to consider: Perhaps they fulfilled the purpose of their relationship.

People build relationships in their lives for all kinds of purposes. My relationship with my accountant is for the purpose of supporting me in my tax obligations... not just for handling them, but for supporting me too. My relationship with some of my distant friends is for the purpose of coaching each other when one gets into a funk, for sharing fond memories, and letting the other person know that they're loved. We might talk once every six months, and that's enough to fulfill our purpose.

Not all intimate relationships are life-long commitments, nor do they need to be. Some people are together to provide companionship during a challenging transition, some to educate each other on differing points of view, some to share new experiences, to create an experience of something that had been missing, or of what does not work.

Some purposes, like that last one, may only be visible in your rear view mirror, once they are behind you, but others can be declared up front. My relationship with my fiance is for the fulfillment of our personal missions (mine is all people free to live the intimate relationships that inspire, and his is a world of peace and prosperity for all), for our continued spiritual development, and for playing in the world together.

Now, I have had past relationships that were for incredible sex, and this is not one of those! We work through the challenges of a less-than fully compatible sexual nature without it breaking us up, because that is not what our relationship is for. As long as the purpose of our relationship is being fulfilled, nothing else poses a real threat. Our reason for staying together is clear and joyously binding.

The process of finding your purpose may not always be an easy one. We're taught that relationships should look, and feel, and behave a certain way. Setting that aside, however, and looking at what truly matters to you most, may point you toward a purpose that provides stability and clarity in a world of chaos and wondering, and so I ask you...

What is your relationship's purpose?

M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

Relationship Tip - Agreements

2010-05-03T10:48:00.002-06:00

It's all about your Agreement.

We live in a world full of agreements. Many of them are taught - use the restroom for your gender - and some of them are enforced - stop at the red light. Many of them, however, are unspoken, and these are the ones that get us into trouble.

From such simple issues as how to load the dishwasher to complex conundrums like how to behave around the opposite sex, we often take it as a given that we're in agreement with those around us. Imagine our surprise when they bend or break our rules, or fail to meet our expectations!

Look into your life and consider where you think you're in agreement with your partners and loved ones. How to raise the kids? Views on monogamy? The kind of sex life you'd like to have 10 years from now - or tonight? Did you actually discuss this with your partner, or have you assumed that you're both "on the same page?"

Raising the question with a loved-one can be challenging, but it can also be surprisingly fun! You might like what you find out. Either way, having a generous and open conversation now could save you some difficult times in the future.

M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

Processing Trauma

2010-04-17T08:00:00.000-06:00

I could have lost my fiance this week.

He came down with "gas pain" on Sunday night, which came and went with varying severity over the next two days. Tuesday evening, while I was headed downtown, it suddenly blossomed into excruciating, guts-being-torn-out-with-a-hot-poker pain. He called me, I raced back home, located the nearest ER, fed the dog, loaded Q into the car, and off we went.

Pulse racing, chills, fever and cold sweats, barely able to move, panting and screaming from the pain, we got him into a bed, onto fluids and pain meds, and through a CAT scan that revealed the need for an emergency appendectomy. They admitted him around midnight, predicting surgery the next morning, and eventually sent me home for a meal and several fitful hours of sleep. Thank goodness for L-tryptophan and melatonin.

He had surgery the next day, which went well, though his appendix was gangrenous, and we spent the day managing his pain as he mostly slept. I went home again late that night, promising to return at 9 AM, fed the dog, fed myself, chilled for an hour and hit the sack. Again, thank goodness for enzymes.

Thursday was a bit better for him, though he'd had a rough night of pain and restlessness, but I was basically worthless. I was so tired I could barely function.

Lesson #1) I should never have promised to return by 9 AM. He was relatively out of the woods, though still at risk for an abscess, and he honestly didn't need me there - he just wanted me there - and, having never been through this type of emergency before, I had not taken into account the toll it was taking on me. I was completely exhausted. He sent me home to take a nap, after which I returned, and kicked me out at a decent hour of the night.

Friday morning he'd fully turned the corner, and I returned to find him in good spirits. I, on the other hand, was an over-emotional, cranky, semi-petulant mess. "What's wrong with me?" I wondered. "It's too early to be PMS, so what's going on?" Finally, after speaking some of it out with Q, it hit me...

Lesson #2) I had never processed my fear and terror from the incident. Oh my goodness, I was so scared! But I'm REALLY good in emergencies - I shove my emotional impact down so far and so fast that I barely even notice it's there. And that's what needs to happen -- it allows me to get things done in a fast and efficient manner, to be effective in the face of distress. It works... but only for so long. Once the situation has stabilized, I need to allow those feelings to arise and be experienced.

So I sat down on the bed next to Q and sobbed it all out. I could have lost him, and if I had, I would have sold my furniture, broken my lease, taken the animals and moved into my mom's house in Peoria, because I would NOT have been able to function. And that's scary for me, that I love someone so much that grief at the loss of them would functionally disable me.

Lesson #3) You NEVER know what that kind of loss is like until you face the possibility of it head on. And the fact of the matter is that it could happen at any moment. ANY, for no reason and with no warning, and there may be nothing that you could do about it. I am so completely grateful for hospitals, and for their staff of experts who take such good care of strangers like us in our moments of greatest need. I thank the gods that Q knows how much I love him, and the other way around - had anything gone horribly wrong, there's nothing left unsaid between us. At the same time, we do not have wills, or estate trusts, or power of attorney to allow me to speak for his wishes in a crisis, and I don't even know what his wishes are, so that's a conversation for us to have.

I told Q that I didn't want him to be bothered with taking care of me when he should focus on taking care of himself. His response was that my breakdown could be an opportunity for him to provide for me, and give him a reason to get better faster. Hmmm... so...

Lesson #4) Allowing myself to be authentic and vulnerable could actually be of service to someone else? Imagine that!!

So we're home now, heading to bed again, in OUR bed with lots of snuggling on the menu. I feel that I've been seasoned somehow, that I've passed a trial, that I am wiser about the realm of loss and of strength... that there is a cost to the latter. I am keenly aware of what I have at stake, that I have something to lose in this world, and also something to deeply enjoy. So I'm gonna go do exactly that.

M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

Plz forgive temporary absence

2010-04-16T01:43:00.002-06:00

My fiance came down with appendicitis and had an emergency appendectomy. All such writing work has gone to the wayside while he's in the hospital. I'll be back shortly, perhaps to share the lessons I'm learning about the importance of caring for oneself WHILE caring for another. Thanks for your patience!

Makael

Dishing the Dirt - Confessions of a Sell-Out

2010-04-09T18:03:00.001-06:00

I sold out.

It's true. I didn't realize it until recently, but I had sold out on myself, and as a result, I had sold out on you.

I thought that I knew what great sex looked and felt like. I thought that I knew what it meant to experience intimacy, to be close to another person in a deeply moving and meaningful way. I thought that I knew - and thus, I stopped looking, and I stopped learning.

There was what I knew, and then there was that woo-woo Tantra stuff... and who can blame me, right? Some of the ways in which Tantra practitioners present their materials and concepts will push the believability boundaries of any logical, rational being with a healthy dose of cynicism. I just couldn't seem to bring myself to step into that realm, and I told myself that what I had was good enough, almost as good as it could get, and that I was working on it.

And then I attended a discussion with Baba Dez Nichols, co-author of Sacred Sexual Healing: The Shaman Method of Sex Magic. (I thought it was more of that woo-woo stuff, but Q wanted to go, and "Sex Magic" peaked my interest.) What I heard resonated with me in unexpected ways and opened my eyes to a glimmer of a possibility that there could be a whole world of sexuality in which I was VERY interested - a world where sexual energy could be used intentionally, not only for pleasure, and for connection with a partner, but for manifestation - for the intentional creation of the life I deeply desire.

You know which that life is, right? The one that seems just beyond what's realistic, the one that society says isn't really possible, the one that, when shared, gets me called a dreamer. THAT life, the one I sold out on.

To anyone else, it would appear coincidental that subsequent to my purchase of the book, Q and I experienced together the most intensely pleasurable sexual encounter I've ever known - one that blew the roof off what I thought my body could experience, what "orgasm" could mean, what was possible between loving partners. I hadn't even started reading it yet!

I know, however, that it was the result of an act taken in faith, the fruits of intended labor, the giving up of resignation and the willingness to explore and admit that perhaps there's something out there that I didn't know I didn't know.

It's a new world in which I live now, one full of adventure and possibility... and I promise to share it with you. I will not sell out on you again.

M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

The Kinky Toybag Tour - Floggers

2010-04-05T18:12:00.002-06:00

Let's discuss floggers!

Flogging, or flagellating, the act of using a flogger on another person, began as a punishment in the way-back centuries. For a full history, use something like Wikipedia. This post is not for that purpose.

These days, flogging is used within the BDSM community for any number of reasons, one of which is to being about an altered state of consciousness, sometimes known as sub-space. Wikipedia has this to say, which which I agree:

"In the sexual sub-culture of BDSM, "flagellation" involves beating the submissive partner and is a form of impact play. Such a flogging begins with soft blows, desensitizing the skin somewhat and triggering the body's endorphin response to pain, similar to "runner's high". The gradual increase in force heightens this response, often to a near-catatonic state in the bottom.

The flogger used in this context consists of a handle with an number of attached thongs known as "falls". Falls are typically made of materials such as suede, leather, rubber, rope, or other or flexible materials. The length, number, and composition of the falls determines the sensation caused by the flogger. Floggers are usually characterized by the sensation they cause. "Thuddy" floggers typically impart a broadly felt deep muscle impact, while "stingy" floggers are felt as a sharp stinging sensation over the skin. The sensation of floggers can also vary with the techniques used by the dominant (or top).

Floggers are typically applied to areas of the body which are well muscled, or protected by body fat, such as the upper back or buttocks. Vulnerable areas such as the abdomen, kidneys, and face are to be avoided. Some areas, such as female breasts, can be lightly flogged safely if appropriate care and skill is used. Intense flogging can leave bruising but typically does not cut or permanently mark the skin."

This is actually well said! Thus my liberal quoting. Here are some additions...

Wider, thicker falls of heavier grades of leather lend themselves to a thuddy feeling, like being punched. The heaviest floggers are known as mops or bashers, and not only use heavier leathers, but also dramatically increase the number of falls.

Thinner falls of a lighter material lend themselves to sting, like being slapped. Cat-o-nine tails seems to be one of the original variants. Very thin falls, perhaps with angled tips, can get quite sharp, and there are lots of wild arrangements for people who really like sting... like knotted nylon rope instead of leather, or small plastic or metal barbs on the ends that actually Could cut skin. Leather is not the only material used, and one of the most beautiful floggers I've seen was made from linked chain. This site will give you lots of visual examples. Peruse all of the categories at will!

This is another site with beautiful craftsmanship and great explanations, and which particularly mentions balancing their floggers. This is very important, as the way a flogger sits into your hand impacts your ability to control it comfortably. There is a style of flogging called Florentine that involved wielding two floggers at once, one in each hand, often in a figure-8 type of motion. I find it Hot to watch and fun to do. With imbalanced floggers, however, it can be torturous!

You can buy floggers at most sex shops that have any kind of kink section, but the best ones (IMHO) are hand made and woven and purchased from the artist.

Most importantly, remember that flogging happens by permission only! Now, go enjoy!

M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - www.mmakaelnewby.com

Fear of Cheating in an LDR

2010-04-05T17:49:00.004-06:00

Perhaps I'm in a mood today, but I'm sharing an email response to an on-line forum post regarding dealing with insecurity in a long distance relationship where both partners think/fear that the other is cheating on them.

------

"Okay, I apologize in advance for being very straight with you, and here goes:

"He told me about his past relationships, and basically there were no good relationships and a lot of drama."

And now you've got a lot of drama. Are you really surprised?

"Ever since we been together in this long-distance relationship (LDR) he has been thinking that I'm messing around and I think the same of him."

No, you don't just "think" the same of him, you FEAR the same. Both of you are dealing with an unjustifiable fear (it's a fear of loss, often fed by a personal insecurity) and an inability to trust, and until you address the source of those issues, they will keep showing up.

You think being together full-time will solve it? I doubt it - Many couples live together and still suspect each other of cheating. It has nothing to do with an LDR and everything to do with your inability to trust. Your concerns are Not about Him, and his are Not about You.

When in your past did someone break their word to you? Perhaps not a romantic partner, perhaps it was a parent, relative, teacher or friend. When did you decide that you couldn't trust, that people leave you, that that you don't deserve it, or whatever it was? Whether it shows up everywhere in your life, or only with this partner - something in the present is flashing you back to that moment that your trust was betrayed, and now you cannot BUT fear it happening again.

I'm theorizing here - I don't know you and we'll probably never meet. But I see this happening so often that I'm willing to throw it out there as a declaration. Until you EACH are willing to be entirely responsible for your OWN emotions and fears, and to dig into the underlying insecurities that take you over, this will likely not resolve.

So go ahead, dig in. Take the time you need to find the source of your insecurity and heal it, even if it means getting help from a professional. It's worth it.

Now, I have every bit of compassion for how much courage it takes to dig into oneself that way. Our own minds are scary places to hang out, and admitting to (and getting responsible for) our fears and insecurities feels like it'll kill us! And I'm telling you as someone who has done it, again and again, it is The Only Way to resolve this type of issue for the long-run, and the VERY BEST GIFT that you can give to yourself and the people in your life. Unless you believe in prayer and miracles, in which case, go on girl, get started.

Good luck, M"

Life with a Promise

2010-03-26T22:46:00.003-06:00

I am in the middle of a confronting and empowering weekend at a Landmark Education course entitled Power & Contribution. If you've ever taken it, you know what I'm up against - life with a Promise for the World.

Let me explain...

A Promise for the World (per Landmark Education, highly paraphrased by moi) is something worth living my life in the pursuit of fulfilling... something that lights me up, that is worth taking action toward in the face of disagreement or lack of results, and that I've likely been committed to for much of my life.

In my case, my promise is that by 2016 all people are free to choose and free to live the style of intimate relationship that inspires them. I look back to when I was 33 and discovered BDSM... for the first time, I felt that I made sense to myself, I fit, and I was not broken. My next thought was, "Why didn't anyone tell me about this?!" And I've been moved to get the word out ever since. However, I can look at the underlying themes in music whose lyrics moved me in college, high school, middle school, and still see a commitment to full sexual self-expression. It truly has been there all along.

"Wow," you say, "that sound great. Now, how are you gonna do that?!"

No joke! That's where I've been grappling for the last two months, and the key is this - I don't have to do it alone. Amazing people are already out there doing great work in the area of my promise - Reid Mihalko, Megan Andelloux, Sarah Sloane, Midori, Barbara Carrellas, Anita Wagner, Baba Dez Nichols, Charles Muir and SO many more. (Who do YOU know who's up to something in this area?)

"Well," the demon in my head might say, "if they're out there doing it, why do we need you?"

"No kidding," I've thought. And this is why I've spent the last two months in a funk. Here's another key point - my promise is not Me. I, M. Makael Newby, the identity, the ego, is terrified to contact the aforementioned people, thinking that *I* have nothing of value to offer. But my PROMISE is not afraid to contact them and offer itself up, saying, "Here's what I'm up to, and where do you see yourself in this?" As soon as I take my own, little, personal identity out of the picture, detach emotionally for a particular desired result, and dwell in what's available for the World... well, there's a space to take action, eh?

I've already started creating a team of committed individuals to fulfill on my Promise. I see the need to write Mission and Vision statements next. And I need a few people willing to be a part of that conversation whose livelihoods are NOT connected to the realm of sexuality in any way - impartial partners, if you will. If you or anyone you know is inspired by what would be possible in a world where all people are free to choose and free to live the style of intimate relationship that inspires them, I invite you/them to contact me. I'd love to discuss what that could look like. (I'd also benefit from conversations with people who may NOT want that to happen.)

My next blog will fess up to where I, until last week, had sold out on being free to live what inspires me, unwilling to even desire beyond the reasonable. Yep, I'm gonna dish the dirt on myself. Stay tuned!

M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

Porn - A Referral Blog

2010-03-21T08:06:00.000-06:00

I was once asked to write a blog about pornography. To date, I've yet to find a way to address it, but it has been on my mind.

Accordingly, I'll refer you to Desmond Ravenstone's blog: Ravenstone's Reflections. His recent blog about porn is informative, well written and insightful, and I think you may enjoy it.

I'll keep working on my own thoughts and questions about porn and will post them for your consideration soon enough. In the meantime - enjoy.

http://ravenstonesreflections.blogspot.com/2010/03/impact-of-porn-may-actually-surprise.html

M. Makael Newby, 2010 - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

I'm Right There With You

2010-03-19T10:00:00.001-06:00

There she is. Professional, well-spoken, published, seemingly full of vigor and commitment. If only I had her bravery or courage...

Don't be so sure.

In this world of 'looking good' and 'having it all together,' how often do we see someone's external presentation and automatically conclude that it represents their actual life? The next time you envy another, think again. I'm here to tell you that we're all in it together.

I've been having a crisis of faith. The results I'm seeing in my life are not consistent with what I truly believed I was creating, and my nasty internal voice - the one for which I can never be enough - has been very loud and particularly undermining of late. I say faith - It says wishful thinking. I say actions consistent with my beliefs - It says foolishness and irresponsibility. It's my demon, it says too much, and I have been listening to it.

My fiancé wishes that I realized how awesome and amazing I am. Crystal agrees - she sings my praises in ways that make me blush. Niq assures me that I'm not alone in all of this. Betsy called me to get together, and I still haven't called her back. Numerous long-distance friends have told me how inspiring I am - but I just don't see it that way. It says 'if they only knew...' etc.

It's always more inspiring to see myself through other people's eyes, and what I'm starting to realize is that I can't trust a single thought that I have about myself. There's a saying, "Your opinion of me is none of my business," and in my case, it's MY opinion that needs tossing aside.

So what's to be done about this?! First and foremost - get out of my head and get into a conversation with other people.

The demon, of course, thinks that's a huge imposition and that I should keep my mess to myself - which means that I should KEEP it. The false belief is that it's catching - like a virus that my friends and confidantes will come down with if I share it with them... the I'm-not-enough Blues. The truth, as you know if you've ever been there for someone who couldn't see their own greatness, is that allowing another to lift you up also lifts them in the process. Asking for help can be a gift to those you ask.

Secondly, inquire into the activities that shut the demon up. In my case, it's when I'm designing a poster in Photoshop, a presentation in PowerPoint or Keynote, or writing the treatment for my new screenplay, even when playing with my dog. During these activities, the voice disappears! What's the common thread? Partnership and creating tangible products. How interesting...

Thirdly, develop the mental muscle to intervene when I notice the demon speaking. It lies to me anyway, right? It's time to start noticing the blather, and replacing it with something else - perhaps thoughts of what's beautiful in my world (like my dog). No disempowering yack yack shall be tolerated!

You have compassion for me? That's great. Now have compassion for yourself. That is often the harder part. And remember - no matter the externals, we're all in this together.

M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

Ultimate Fellatio Tip #6 - Teeth

2010-03-17T21:00:00.000-06:00

Teeth, yes, teeth.

We've already covered biting in the post about being rough, but there are additional ways to use teeth that can enhance your BJ experience. As mentioned before, opinions and preferences vary... some men like it gentle, and others rough, so ask first and watch the response you receive.

Besides biting, there is of course nipping and scraping - varying levels of intensity and pressure using the edges of your teeth. Additionally, you can rub the head of his penis between your cheek and the outer surface of your teeth, the ones that show when you smile. It feels weird, but a man taught me to do that, so...

And as long as we're talking about teeth, we can mention cheeks. Taking a dick down your throat is great, but you can also direct it into your cheek. Think about it - nice soft, stretchy flesh - no wonder it has a certain appeal. You can also press the head of his dick into your cheek and then slap your own face lightly. Kinky? Strange? Perhaps. But again, it was a man who taught me to do that. My job is merely to pass along the information.

(And I love my job!)

M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

Dark Odyssey: Winter Fire'10 Personal Review Part 3

2010-03-12T10:58:00.002-07:00

And so finally we arrive at the final part of my DO:WF review series, the personal part. The part where I share my freak-out of Sunday afternoon and the unanticipated and surprising solution. It had been building for a while, and Sunday morning kicked it into high gear.

I have thought to write a workbook to help people inquire into, and navigate entry into, the styles of intimate relationship that truly resonate with them. When I learned of the workbook that Barbara Carrellas is writing, my inner demon, the nasty little voice, said, "See, she's already doing it, and she's doing it better than you could. Nobody needs you. You're don't have anything to offer that can't be found through someone else who's doing it better..." and yack, yack, yack. I sold some more books, but not nearly as many as I'd hoped, and it said, "What did you think you were doing? You're never going to sell enough copies to recoup the costs of making it. It's just one more example of one of your big ideas that fail..." and blah, blah, blah.

Intellectually, I know that all of this is not true. I do have a particular style that speaks to a group of people, I do have something unique to offer, and I have faith that people who read my book will start talking about my book, which will encourage others to buy it, and so on, and so on exponentially. But when standing at the base of a very big hill, it's hard to imagine the view from the top, and by the late afternoon, I was starting to feel the impact of listening to that snarky little voice. I threw myself onto the bed, sharing my concerns with Q, and the more I spoke them, the more they grew, and the more scared I got, culminating in a hysterical fit of sobbing. To make it even worse, I'll add one more concern to the pile: Money. Okay, now do you get the state I was in?

I understand the new-thought belief that our words create our experience of the world, our reality if you will, and that we should therefore only speak our best hopes and desires. At the same time, what we resist persists, eh? I have found that I often resist what I don't share - I need to acknowledge my fear and concerns to get them out of my head, if only to hear that they are usually based in the past or the future, or both, and create something that inspires me to keep going in the present.

But this time was different. I'd been spending the weekend looking for what I need, and networking, selling books, sharing my vision, videotaping, and Being someone who intends to be a world leader. I was EXHAUSTED! And out of that exhaustion I saw what I needed - Zero Responsibility. I put a lot of pressure on myself every day, and knowing this makes no difference. I needed a chance to stop being responsible, and, in fact, to have no responsibilities whatsoever for a period of time. I longed for the days before "work," before homework even, when everything was play, and everyone was new, and the world was mostly fun and expression.

And so, as Q suggested, I'd be seven. Seven years old doesn't care about work, or being perfect, or whether she's making the difference she feels called to make in the world. Seven doesn't care about her libido, how to navigate polyamory, or how she's going to pay for her wedding. Seven doesn't care about innaccurate property tax assessments, destructive tenants, or book sales. Seven just wants to have fun and be loved.

So I donned a black skirt, a cap-sleeved, Asian floral print blouse that has black straps clipped to any number of small D-rings (so you could yank me back if I started running away), threw my hair into pig-tails, and added my tennies with my favorite "Life is Good" socks. It was a look, to be sure. And then I took on the character - high-energy, a bit clumsy, physically loose (in the way that young children throw their bodies around), enthusiastic and demonstrative - et voila... Missy.

We headed off to the restaurant, encountering my friend Paul at the bank of elevators, so I raced up to him, stuck my leg into the air awkwardly, pointed at my ankle and said, "My socks have dogs catching frisbees! See?" It was a hit, and became my introductory line through most of the evening.

It was a challenge at the restaurant, balancing being seven with respecting the other diners and the wait staff. I couldn't let myself be fully seven or I might have made a scene, and I am big about consent. The other patrons had not agreed to be a part of our little scene, so I kept Missy under control, content to slouch and sigh and glance around distractedly, to hum while I chewed and smacked my food a little, and to make faces at the mushrooms on my plate - yuck! I think our server had caught on by the end of the meal, as her approach to me altered from Adult:Adult to Adult:Child. It was very cool to experience. (Note: this was in the hotel restaurant, so they'd been serving a whole crew of leather-clad, cross-dressing, corset-wearing perverts all weekend.)

Then we went on to the Dungeon, where "Daddy" had a play date with a masochist. It took a while to find a space and get ready, and I got to be bored (which I NEVER am in real life), and play with a piece of rabbit fur, that I'd tucked in a small handbag I could swing around, and a stuffed alligator codpiece. They chased each other, the rabbit got eaten, then scolded the alligator... it was awesome. Eventually, I tired of playing and ran over to greet the people I knew who entered the room. Stormy finally took me under her wing, thank goodness, as "Missy" really had no interest in watching "Daddy" spank the other lady, and we watched some really pretty suspension rope bondage take place.

When "Daddy" was finally done, we snuggled on one of the sofas for several minutes, punctuated by visits with Ryan and Sean, who yanked me around by my straps while I giggled madly, and Paul, who gave me a piggyback ride up and down the corridor, again to a chorus of giggles. I climbed back into Daddy's lap, and soon after declared myself done. I'd had enough, and I was done! There was a pole to dance on! And the Sex-O-Rama to go play in! And then Ryan agreed to teach Q about using pressure points for sadistic control, using me as the demo-bottom, of course. (A double dose of Ouch!)

Reflecting on the experience, it was exactly what I needed, and something I may need monthly if I keep pushing myself at this pace. I could notice what Makael was thinking/feeling about being in public, or about Q playing with someone else, without allowing myself to engage in further examination of it. I didn't have to look good, or be strong, or capable, or a good listener, or sexy or graceful, or to figure it all out, I could just be Missy. I could be silly, sloppy, floppy, snuggly, awkward, carefree and needy with no explanation or justification. For Q it was a particular challenge, because he had no previous experience with being The Adult who's responsible for a young child, and he too wants to do it again. It gave him control, which is something he definitely wants, in a way that I could give it without my Strong and Capable being threatened.

I am totally certain and clear that my new opening from the weekend was a direct result of 1) approaching the entire event from a space of curiosity, and intentionally seeking my needs, 2) Julian Wolf's Role Playing class, 3) Barbara Carrellas' class on identifying our values & needs. The conversations we had, things we heard and saw, and other classes we took also played their role in creating a safe space for exploration, for which I again thank Karrie and Greg, Tristan & Colten, the organizers, for bringing this into being and continuing to provide such opportunities for our communities.

Until next year!

M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

Dark Odyssey: Winter Fire'10 Personal Review Part 2

2010-03-08T09:02:00.003-07:00

One of the biggest challenges in attending Dark Odyssey: Winter Fire is deciding which workshops to attend! Each time slot includes roughly six choices that may encompass BDSM philosophy, dynamic or technique, sexuality and identification, tantra and energy play, relationship style/choice, sexual or physical skill, and much more. Choosing between two workshops that both seem important to you is a common experience. Our very thinky Saturday began with Sarah Sloane's Polyamory Boot Camp.

Q and I have come to realize that we've got to open our relationship to poly on at least one level. He is a sadist, I am NOT a masochist, and there are needs of his that I am neither able nor willing to fulfill. I tried, it had a detrimental impact on our sex life, and we've both come to the decision that it's best to find other partners with whom he meets those needs. So we've been thinking a lot - how do we do that? Enter our choice of Sarah's class.

While we were pleased that nothing in Sarah's class took us entirely by surprise, she made some very good points about flexibility, negotiation, and self-care. Her comments about communication and responsibility reinforced the way in which we've been handling this time of occasional upset and inquiry. She also raised the issue of needing to treat each partner as an individual, in that what works for one emotionally may not work for the other, and that one must remember to Be with each partner as individual relationships instead of one part of an ego-centric whole. I'd never considered that - thank you, Sarah.

As Q proceeded to The Fine Art of Dirty Talk with Amy Jo Goddard (a mind-opening and language-expanding class that I'd taken last year with this fabulous presenter), I succumbed to the late Friday night and forewent the Fine Art of Prostate Massage and Locks of Lust (a class on hair-bondage) to take a much-needed nap, after which I felt MUCH better. (I couldn't decide between them anyway!) Lunch became a social networking opportunity with Anita Wagner, a well-known polyamory educator, which was followed by Plays Well with Others, a workshop by Lqqkout for those new to the scene and/or partnerless on how to approach and meet others, and negotiate for the scenes you'd like to experience.

We then attended Julian Wolf's Role Playing workshop, which opened my mind in entirely unanticipated ways. Beside the fact that role playing is an excellent way to increase the level of experimentation and excitement in a relationship without necessarily adding additional implements, toys, pain, or partners, and is thus a fabulous gateway into the realm of the alternative from the mundane, it's something in which I have little experience. Little being next to No, as in I've done it just once. Julian's class broadened my perspective on the world that is role play, and the ways in which it can be of value. I've already spoken with her about incorporating her "mundane" version of the class in future ventures. My mental gears were turning...

Saturday evening, after my hotel-room book signing for My Erotic Adventure, we ended up dining at the hotel with a number of local and traveled peeps including Michael Rios of the Network for a New Culture. While he and I talked activism and the current state of public opinion on alternative forms of relationship and sexuality, Q chatted up a local masochist and scheduled a tentative play date for the following evening. (Hooray and whew!) Eventually we dressed in our kinky slinky finest and again toured the dungeon and surrounding play spaces to see what and who there was to see.

Q is relatively new to the scene, and thus for him it was a near overwhelming visual and aural feast of sights and sounds, the smacking, thumping, cries and moans, laughter and music reverberating through the main dungeon. On the other hand, I've been around for seven years, and for me it has become a largely social opportunity to visit with friends and share affection. As mentioned, I'm not a masochist, nor am I a bottom... I've finally identified that, unlike many players in the BDSM scene, I do not get the endorphin-release that results from intense pain and may create an altered state-of-consciousness referred to as dropping, flying, or sub-space. I just get pain, so I walked the dungeon looking newly for non-pain-based experiences that I might enjoy experiencing.

The first I found was fire play - the practice of using cotton swabbed wands, alcohol, and yes - Fire - to apply levels of heat to one's skin. It sounds scary, but the alcohol burns off rather quickly when used appropriately, and it looks sexy as hell. Do NOT try this at home without proper education from an expert! I am not responsible for any damage you might cause.

The second was suspension bondage. Now, I've been bound before - wrists tied together, ankles and knees, forearms laced together behind my back - and the rope itself doesn't necessarily move me. It's the suspension that I want to try. I'm curious about the feeling of being fully supported and held in mid-air. I know the ropes will bite into my flesh with the weight of my body, but what else? I love to spin, I like swings and hammocks, and suspension can be a work of art, believe me. Dammit, I'm curious! I'll be working on setting that up now that I'm back in Portland. And Q likes working with rope, so if I enjoy suspension, that's something we can do together in time.

Saturday was another late night, and Q decided to sleep in for the morning class while I hustled off to Barbara Carrellas' Tell Me What You Want. I'd attended Barbara's Erotic Breathwork class before, so I knew that she was a quality presenter, and I was particularly interested in what she had to share about identifying and sharing one's needs. I'd been feeling that I wasn't getting something I needed, and remained unable to identify what that was, so this was a very personal investment of time.

God bless her, she's working on a workbook to help people through this process, and we were one of her "lab groups." Hooray! What I discovered through her process of drilling down from important life elements to core values is that Peace is one of my values. Not one, but several of the important elements in my life reduce down to Peace. What a valuable place to look in the midst of an upset... are my core values being denied? I have not yet finished the process she outlined, but it's on my to-do list.

Q joined me for lunch with married friends that I'd met at DO five years before, after which he hit the dungeon to observe a medical stapling scene that put my wussy nerves on edge while I attended the Cock Sucking and Deep Throating workshop by Danielle dv8. The most important thing I learned is that the DO crowd are not the people for whom I need to present my workshops. These people already know that they're interested in advanced and alternative activities. I need to work with the new, curious and inquiring.

Secondly, I learned about the differences between giving head to a bio-penis vs. a silicone one. In truth, this is the only workshop I attended in which I was disappointed. Although Danielle has a very rowdy and engaging style, it was not well laid out for the main crowd to effectively see the techniques demonstrated, and there was no sense of flow. Although I learned some valuable facts, I felt that there was much more that could have been covered. Of the 90 minutes allowed, this workshop took between 45-60 while all other lasted the full time limit. Oh well.

Our final class of the day was Whittney Matlock's Male Member, a review of techniques from the Body Electric school in bio-male genital massage. I dare say that Q enjoyed this workshop. :)

This completes my review of the DO:WF workshops, as they ended on Sunday afternoon. My next and final DO:WF blog will share my personal breakdown and breakthrough of that Sunday evening and the way in which the WF workshops made it possible.

M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

Dark Odyssey: Winter Fire'10 Personal Review Part 1

2010-03-07T13:59:00.008-07:00

Dark Odyssey: WinterFire... What a pansexual adventure! It has become my kinky family reunion - the one time each year that I am surrounded by my favorite alternatively bent friends and loved ones. Additionally, each year I meet new favorites, and so my family grows! More people to appreciate, admire and love - a gift indeed. Philip, Sean, Shervon, Vicki, Kai, Theo, Stormy, Beth, Don, Paul, et al, I love ya.

This year was unique in that my fiance, Q, attended as "my assistant." He keeps me on track on a daily basis, returns me to sanity when my internal dialogue gets loud and nasty, as it is wont to do, and grounds me in ways I've yet been unable to ground myself. I am blessed to be his partner.

Now, when I say "my assistant," I do so with the greatest humor. He is a dominant sadist, and certainly not "in service" to me in any formal way. (Much of my attention was spent trying to find him a masochist with whom to play, but more about that later.) I say "my assistant" in that he is absolutely committed to my success and willing to support me in almost any way possible. I would have been at a loss without him - let me explain...

The first big undertaking of the weekend was actually not a part of DO. I filmed my Non-Monogamy for the Novice and Ultimate Fellatio workshops for the Kink Academy. Quoting from the website, "The Kink Academy provides creative, playful, and varied sexuality instruction for curious adults and consenting (and adventurous) individuals who are looking to take their sexual knowledge further, to explore their own fantasies, and to learn from experts who are passionate about helping you to improve your sex life!" That's Me! And, that's Q - he was the stunt-cock for my Fellatio workshop. It's a tough life, but someone's got to do it, eh?

Well, let me tell you something about filming... it's a lot harder than you think! My inner perfectionist was SCREAMING that I was doing it the wrong way, using the wrong words, and generally screwing it all up, and Q was tasked with 'keeping it up' on-demand and under a time restriction. Thank you again to Adam, Princess Kali's very professional camera man, who managed to encourage me and create a safe space to do things I never thought I'd do on camera. We'll see what he managed to create from my starts and stops soon enough. But hey, it's all a part of my commitment to share the knowledge, and then there was DO itself. Due to the filming, we missed the Friday workshops, but we dressed in our most casual yet sexy best and toured the play-space.

For those who've never attended DO:WF, there is a HUGE dungeon - about two large ballrooms worth - of continual tables, St. Andrew's crosses, bondage chairs, spanking benches, cages and racks, and scaffolds with winches for every manner of consensual pleasure and abuse one could imagine. Fire play, wax play, bondage and suspension, sensory play and sensory deprivation, pony, kitty or puppy play, needles and medical play, flogging & whipping & beating, oh my! It's all fair game. (Note - all included links are merely examples and may not be accurate to the equipment or activities at DO:WF.)

Of course there are Dungeon Masters in charge of oversight, to make sure that everyone observes the rules and nothing goes wrong, and ample empty space is left around each piece of "furniture" to allow people to pass and watch and talk without encroaching on the implied privacy of the scene. Waterproof barriers (think of larger and thinner puppy training pads), anti-bacterial wipes, hand sanitizer, condoms and lube packets, tissues and napkins, etc. are all provided at tables throughout the space to maintain cleanliness and sanitation.

Across the corridor from the main dungeon are more play spaces with some of the same equipment as well as several sex swings and a lounge area with a dance pole. Given that it's a portable pole, and I'm neither short nor tiny, I rocked the base significantly the first time I tried it out. I think I'll stick to the full-mount variety in the future!

There is also a lounge area next to the Sex-O-Rama, home of exhibitionism and voyeurism, filled with Liberator Esse shapes, padded mats and a Zeppelin. The Sex-O-Rama itself (the signature sign has an arrow reading "Fuck Here") has a variety of mesh or gauze enclosed beds and mats, plus some exposed play areas for the truly open attendee.

See things you will - things that entice you, things that repel you, and things that make you go, "Hunh?" But by the end of the weekend, having learned, laughed, and discovered that you are NOT alone and that there is acceptance for whatever your interest may be, you'll be happy you attended and able to see strange sights and think, "Okay, that may not be my thing, but if it works for you..."

And that is why I love Dark Odyssey: Winter Fire. Surrounded by S&Mers, fetishists, polyamorists, swingers, kinksters, voyeurs and exhibitionists, Tantrists, sacred sensualists, gay, straight, gender-queer and more... EVERY variety of kink is embraced. Even if yours is to be completely non-kinky and monogamous. *gasp!*

At Dark Odyssey, even Vanilla is a valid and welcome flavor.

In my next blog I'll review the classes I attended and how they've impacted my life.

M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

A day to celebrate.

2010-03-03T12:46:00.007-07:00

Today is America's Sexuality Day. It is a day to celebrate sex - your sex - however you choose to have it or not. A day for expanding awareness and inquiry into the role of sexuality in our lives, society, relationships, minds and hearts; to note that censorship is very much alive and to have intentional conversations about what sex means to each of us - even with people whose views may differ. A day to acknowledge the complex symbiotic relationship of sex, individuality, culture and our democracy.

Today is the historic anniversary of the passage of the Comstock Act of 1873: America’s congressionally-authorized package of censorship laws against sexual free speech. Without indulging in a lengthy and detailed history, Anthony Comstock, for whom the act was named, type-cast all erotic material as "a deadly poison, cast into the fountain of moral purity." By the beginning of the twentieth century, he bragged about his career totals in his annual report for the New York Society for the Suppression of Vice, which included:

arresting 2,385 individuals;
destroying 73,608 pounds of books, including a sexually explicit marriage manual for newly married couples who asked for bedroom advice;
destroying 877,412 "obscene" pictures;
8,495 negative film reels for making "obscene" photos;
98,563 articles for "immoral" use of rubber;
6,436 "indecent" playing cards;
and 8,502 boxes of pills and powders with the purpose of carrying out abortions.

(Thank you to my friend Noah Eaton for sourcing the previous two paragraphs.)

So where do we stand today?

In 2007, 0.6% of the population of the US had been diagnosed with HIV/AIDS. That's 1,200,000 people in the US alone. (www.globalhealthfacts.org)
In the seven years between 2001-2008, the US saw an increase in chlamydia cases by 45.6% to 496.35/100K population. (http://wonder.cdc.gov)
If the marriage and divorce ratios remain the same as they were in 2008, 49% of marriages will divorce. (Centers for Disease Control, 2008)
Conservative infidelity statistics estimate that “60 percent of men and 40 percent of women will have an extramarital affair. If even half of the women having affairs (or 20 percent) are married to men not included in the 60 percent having affairs, then at least one partner will have an affair in approximately 80 percent of all marriages.” (www.menstuff.org/issues/byissue/infidelitystats.html)
An estimated 1.3 million women are victims of physical assault by an intimate partner each year. (NCADV Public Policy Office)
One in 6 women and 1 in 33 men have experienced an attempted or completed rape. (NCADV Public Policy Office)
There are 16,800 homicides and 2.2 million medically treated injuries due to intimate partner violence annually, which costs $37 billion. (NCADV Public Policy Office)

So much for the fountain of moral purity.

This combination of inherited repression and media-based mixed-messaging is clearly a harmful cocktail. What can be done?

First, know yourself. Step aside from what society has taught you is acceptable and right, and inquire into what truly inspires you. Read and listen and learn about the many ways available to relate to others. Cliché though it may be, you must know and accept yourself before you can truly know and accept another. What would it mean for society if our children were all raised in an environment of inherent acceptance and self-worth, encouraged to inquire, challenge, and choose?

Secondly, share yourself! While society at large may frown on conversations about sex, the individuals that make up that society are hungry for it. Talk to your friends and family, take a risk, be vulnerable, and create a safe space in which they too can share. It may not be easy - it may not even be pleasant - but there is not a human being alive who is not touched by issues of sexuality in one way or another.

Who would we be as a nation if we were free to be curious about sex, to share our concerns and questions, to give up "looking good" or "looking bad" and simply BE with and support each other in this arena? What if we could simply agree to disagree with those who choose another viewpoint than ours; to create intentional intimate relationships where both partners are empowered and fulfilled? What would that freedom make possible in other areas of our lives? In our communities? Nationally? Globally?

Today is America's Sexuality Day. It is a day to celebrate sex - your sex - however you choose to have it or not. Today in particular, enjoy your sex, yourselves, your lives and your loves. Speak them freely and loudly, for our words create the world in which we live.

M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

Dark Odyssey: Winter Fire

2010-02-24T12:53:00.003-07:00

Yahoo! It's that time of year again!

I will unavailable for the next several days as I'll be in Washington DC attending Dark Odyssey: Winter Fire, hanging out with good friends and like-minded freaks, living, loving, learning, networking my well-spoken butt-off, promoting my book, and filming two workshops for the Kink Academy. In early March, I'll blog about the experience, who I met, what I learned, etc.

In the meantime - I've just given you some links to check out, haven't I?

Enjoy the adventure,
M

M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

America's Sexuality Day 2010

2010-02-22T22:12:00.005-07:00

America’s Sexuality Day

Honoring Your Sex on the Anniversary Sex was Censored

.. arts.. education.. policy.. life...

www.sexdayusa.com

You read my blog! Therefore, I'll assert that you are someone who has a commitment to sexual freedom and health, to the well being of humanity and the role that sex plays in it. Accordingly, I invite you to take a part, even a small one, in America's Sexuality Day on March 3, 2010. While additional information follows, the gist is this...

America's Sexuality Day is a day to celebrate sex - YOUR sex - however you choose to have it - or not to have it if your choice is celibacy! It is a day for expanding awareness and inquiry into the role of sexuality in our lives, in our society, in our relationships, minds and hearts. A day to note that censorship is very much alive, and a day to have intentional conversations about what sex means - even with those whose views might not match ours.

I invite you to do one or more of the following:

1) Schedule a gathering of friends or strangers to celebrate America's Sexuality Day. Throw a BBQ. Watch a sexy movie and hold a discussion. Follow the example of Portland-based ErosFest NW and hire belly dancers to precede a snuggle party.

2) Have intentional conversations about sex on March 3rd - you could even make a game out of it and see how many you can have! Or just talk with a friend or lover - even the small steps matter.

3) Blog, tweet and post about this event now and on March 3rd.

4) Become a fan of America's Sexuality Day on Facebook (www.fbook.me/SexDayUSA)

5) Donate to the cause. We need funding to pay for our 501(c)3 process, for space to announce ourselves at the Press Club in DC, and more.

If you agree to take on at least one of the above, PLEASE declare your commitment on the Facebook page! We can show the world that we're taking a stand for sexual free speech, and that we're taking action.

This is just the start. An international coalition for Sexuality Days in other countries has already met. We're in communication with the Sex Parties in Canada and in Australia, and we're not stopping there! (If you would like to create a Sexuality day in your country, we welcome you!)

Join us. EVERY conversation makes a difference.

Wishing you great conversations and great sex,

Makael

The Kinky Toybag Tour - Fur

2010-02-21T09:00:00.001-07:00

Okay, all of you PETA people, back the hell off! No animals were harmed in the writing of this blog.

Now that we've covered two sharp and scratchy toys, let's look at something sensual and soothing. Fur.

Now, I know, this is a touchy area for some people - I too have strong feelings about animal rights - but the truth is that there is nothing that feels like real fur. Luxurious, short or long haired, soft, smooth, sometimes oily... nothing compares to the sensation of real fur along bare skin. This is particularly true when the aforementioned skin has been sensitized with scratchy vampire gloves, pointy wheel-based pinpricks, or even an intense massage from the skilled hands of a friend or lover.

Given my love for most furry 4-legged creatures, I recommend looking for your fur in antique or used-clothing stores. Mink stoles, fox collars, rabbit fur gloves, lynx hats, sable boas - there are many products that offer you the use of their wonderful fur without increasing demand for fresh pelts, and they can be acquired for less than you might expect.

I just found a vintage fur collar on Ebay with one day remaining, no bids, for $20. But when you buy online, you can't handle the merchandise before purchase, and isn't that part of the fun? You're buying fur for cripes sake! If you have a partner to tease, I recommend making the shopping trip part of the anticipation... capitalist foreplay. Find your local antique shops and take a tour. Who knows what you'll find?

M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

The Kinky Toybag Tour - Whartenberg Wheel

2010-02-20T13:46:00.000-07:00

Staying in the line of scratchy and pokey sensations, the Whartenberg Wheel, also known as a Wartenberg Pinwheel, is a medical tool that has been corrupted for kinky fun. You may have seen one before - a stainless steel handle attached to a spiky pinwheel that's used to test reflexes. Imagine a scene from ER or House where the doctor pulls something out of his pocket and runs it along the patient's instep, looking for a response to the stimulation.

The Whartenberg wheel achieves maximum sensation with minimal pressure - a whole line of sharp, pokey pinpricks on any chosen area of the body. Across the bare back, down the spine, under the palm, the sole of the feet, across the nipples, under the chin, over the cheekbone... you barely need to apply any pressure to elicit a variety of shivers, squeaks or moans. Increasing the pressure intensifies the reaction, but please be careful on sensitive areas of the body and avoid puncturing the skin unless you have explicit permission to do so. (Avoid eyelids unless you are a highly-experienced player and be risk-aware!)

Start light and observe your partner's response. Find out where it feels good, where it hurts, where it feels... how? Let them tell you. Then try increasing the pressure or varying your speed. You might run a slow and curvy line across their shoulder, down the back and around the curve of a hip, across the belly and up under a breast... and then hold the points under the crease of a breast and slowly press a little harder until they wince. Allow yourself to be inspired! Add a blindfold and hold back for several seconds, allowing the tension to build as they anticipate the incoming poke of the wheel... at... any... moment!

It's all about shared sensation, eh? On that note - use it on yourself before you use it on a partner so that you can get a feel for how hard is too hard... and then let them guide you. Everyone experiences sensation differently, and what may be pleasing for you may be beyond the pain threshold for them. Additionally, I recommend playing on bare skin as the wheel points can pull and snag fine fabrics.

You can acquire one of these babies with a lovely black leather sheath for just $15.95 at www.freddyandeddy.com. I highly recommend buying one with a sheath lest you risk reaching into your toy bag and Ouch!

M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

The Kinky Toybag Tour - Vampire Gloves

2010-02-15T17:40:00.001-07:00

Thus begins the first installment of my Kinky Toybag Tour. This series will walk you through the many varied items in my toybag - many of which were gifted to me by a very generous ex-fiance who married a non-kinky woman. Lucky me! And lucky you... here we go...

Vampire Gloves are one of the best gateway toys I've found. In other words, they are one of the most successful tools for introducing kinky toys to otherwise inexperienced or "vanilla" partners.

Why? Because vampire gloves, while a sensual toy, apply a type of sensation that we don't usually experience... Scratchy.

These gloves essentially have small tacks poking through the surface of the fingers and sometimes palms. If you like the feeling of having your back scratched, lightly or more heavily, you will adore the feeling of vampire gloves. In this case however, you are not dependent on the quality of the scratcher's nails, and you will experience multiple fine points of pin-prickly scratch over a wide area of skin.

You can press them into the flesh for one sensation, drag them lightly for another, press harder and drag for something more intense, or even spank lightly with them. They will not puncture the skin unless used with a lot of force, like slapping or hard squeezing. The feeling of scrape over fleshy areas like the breasts and ass cheeks is very different than the feeling over thighs and arms, not to mention bony areas like the rib cage or jaw.

If you do get blood on them, you need to spray them down with an antiseptic disinfectant. Here's a great overview of safer kinky sex that includes a section on cleaning toys. However, given that the leather of the gloves is porous, getting them truly disinfected without damaging the material is VERY difficult, and I suggest you avoid truly rough play with this toy.

Kinklab's gloves with tacks only in the fingers, as shown, are relatively inexpensive, and can be purchased from LoverSource for $24.10 through Amazon. These same gloves sell for $40+ at other stores.

My gloves also have tacks covering the palm, and while I've been unable to find my particular brand and style online, I have found these which can be purchased for $65 through SilentVampire.com.

If you are open to dipping your toes in the realm of new sensation, Vampire Gloves are a great place to start.

M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

Ultimate Fellatio Tip #5 - Skeletal Skills

2010-02-14T09:02:00.001-07:00

It's true - your skeletal deformation could become a BJ asset. Let me explain...

I ran a dental practice for over six years, and during that time I learned a lot. During my second year I learned about something called Tori. Tori appear as a skeletal response to areas of localized stress within your mouth.* Your jaw builds up extra bone in these areas of stress, to help stabilize the dental-skeletal system, leaving you with hard, bony lumps.

Run a fingertip along the inside of your lower jaw, just below your teeth, then along the jaw between your lip and your teeth. Are there any hard nodules or noticeable bumps? Those may be force-related tori. Repeat for the upper jaw, just because you should know what's going on in there! If you've got a lot of them, you might check out this introduction to Neuromuscular Dentistry. Particularly if you also have headaches or migraines, clenching or grinding, broken or chipped teeth, neck, shoulder or back pain... but I digress.

I'm talking here about palatal tori which is a hard bony bump along the roof of your mouth. Press your tongue up against your front teeth, and run the tip of your tongue backwards towards your throat. Is there a hard bump there? I, having a palatal tori of my own, thought that everyone had one of these until I saw plaster models of a normal, smooth palate.

Use it if you've got it! Just as you pressed your tongue against it, use your tongue to press the dick that you're blowing against that bump! With practice, you can acquire skill at adding that extra stimulation along the entirety of his shaft as he moves in and out of your mouth. You can also particularly work the head of his penis against that nub.

Who says skeletal deformity isn't a gift from the BJ Gods? This one certainly is.

*There is occasional disagreement within the dental community about the origin of palatal tori. Some believe it is force/stress-related, and others that it is genetic or non-stress-related. Seeing what I've seen, I tend to agree with the former position.

M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

The Jargon of Swinging

2010-02-11T08:00:00.001-07:00

Every area of specialty has a language of it's own. Here's a quick review of some of the terms and definitions that you may encounter in the world of swinging.

Soft Swap - A couple that engages in Soft Swap is generally interested in kissing and petting. They may or may not engage in oral sex, but full-body, full-nudity, full-penetration sex is off the menu.

Full Swap - A couple that describes themselves as Full Swap is into the full range of physical, sexual activities. Anal sex must always be explicitly negotiated, and you can never assume that either one of them is bi-sexual. Otherwise, you can generally take it that they're open to the full range of penetrative sex.

"Hall Pass" - I crossed this term on Lifestyle Lounge, and mention it here in case it has made the transition to the swing community at large. A Hall Pass would mean that one partner has the permission to play solo, without the other partner's involvement. For example - "I'm coming to town for a conference and have a hall pass. Who wants to play?"

On-Premises - An on-premises club or party is one that includes beds and/or rooms where you can get your sexy on with other attendees. Often there will be a dance area, a place for lounging, possibly a bar, and rooms for sexual engagement. Some rooms or areas will be structurally open to viewing by other attendees, some have viewing windows, and some are enclosed and private. Sometimes there's a time limit, implied or enforced, on how long you can occupy a room. The clubs that I've attended all supply condoms, sometimes packets of lube, and all supply clean sheets. When you leave the room, you strip the bed, and the next couple makes their bed with new sheets before they engage. It's a system of common courtesy and convenience.

Off-Premises - An off-premises club or party is one where you've got to take your freak elsewhere. It may be a dance club or a bar rented out for that evening, or a single hotel room, but there may be limits on the level of nudity and sexual play. You can meet, greet, snuggle, flirt, dance, and possibly pet lightly, but once you decide that you want to take it further, go get a room of your own.

Are you open to soft or full swap? No swap? Would you ever give your partner a hall pass? Would you rather attend and on-premises or off-premises event? Interesting questions to consider, eh? Until you actually consider them - REALLY consider them - you only think you know the answers.

M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

The Etiquette of Swinging

2010-02-09T15:30:00.004-07:00

Have you ever wanted to visit a swinger's club?

I've recently been asked to lead a field trip to a local club for some curious newbies. (Parental permission slip NOT required.) Accordingly, let's conduct a brief introduction to the etiquette of swinging...

1) You don't have to do anything you don't want to do - Just because you're hanging out at a swinger's club doesn't mean that you want to get fucked. Many people are drawn to the openness of the swing community, the freedom to fully express themselves without concern or censure. We can talk about our jobs, the weather, politics, and we can talk openly about sex. We can kiss our friends, hug as tightly as we want, and snuggle with attractive acquaintances. Maybe you just want to dance and flirt! In my experience, as many people come for the company as for the hook-up, so there's no pressure to partake.

2) Dress appropriately - Most swinger's clubs have a dress code. Know in advance the rules, and follow them. In general, be stylish, wear clothes that fit your shape and form. That said, many such clubs allow increasing levels of undress if you're willing to go there.Topless with a bikini bottom will likely work better than wearing torn jeans (which probably will keep you from getting in). Arrive fully clothed, and undress on site once you get a feel for the crowd.

3) Ask First - Ask before you touch. Many people at such clubs will allow you to caress and fondle them if there's a certain level of interpersonal chemistry. Introduce yourself, and ask.

4) No means No - Disregarding someone's No will see you booted out the door, and once black-listed in the swing community - good luck at finding willing play partners. You will not want to get with everyone there, and not everyone will want to get with you. Don't take it personally, just accept the 'No' or 'No thank you' graciously and move on.

5) Don't be creepy - I laughed to see this directive at Portland's Club Sesso. What's creepy? Well, if I'm engaged in a public display of sex it would be normal for you to obseve and play a little pocket pool. Staring me down from two feet away and playing with your genitals while I'm having a drink at the bar with a girlfriend would be Creepy, get it? Fit your behavior to the context of the environment.

After that, enjoy yourself! Meet some people, have a drink, dance a little. Walk around and see who's doing what where. Let out your inner voyeur, or your inner exhibitionist. (Tabu Social Club in Catonsville, MD has two poles and a cage on their dance floor - how I miss them!)

You're likely to find that most swingers are normal, everyday people who like a little added sexiness in their lives. They have families, friends, pets, jobs, and concerns just like the rest of us. Let your guard down and you might make some very good friends.

M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

Facebook is for Babies

2010-01-31T23:09:00.002-07:00

So, are FetLife and Blackbox Republic the only adult social networking sites? They may very well be.

Given that My Erotic Adventure (my new choose-your-own styled erotica) has been published, I thought I'd create a small banner ad to be run on Facebook. Their targeting is great - I chose people between the ages of 18-60, any relationship status, any gender, who included in their profiles the following tags: choose your own adventure, choose your own adventure books, erotic, erotica, i love sex, kink, kinky, middle night sex, morning sex, sex, or sex sex sex more sex.

Seems pretty much like the ideal crowd for a choose-your-own erotic novel, eh?

Well, Facebook has denied my ad for "Adult content, including nudity, sexual terms and/or images of people in positions or activities that are excessively suggestive or sexual, or provocative images in violation of community standards."

So I can target people whose profiles exhibit an interest in "sex sex sex more sex," but not with adult content. Incongruous, much?

Where do the grown-ups play? And more to my point - when do we get to be grown-ups anyway? Are we so fragile that the mere mention of sex must be shoved down and hidden at every opportunity? God forbid an 18 year old young woman should read the word "threesome," her whole world might melt.

What I'm perceiving here is a huge disconnect between the world we actually LIVE in and the one in which we're supposed to pretend to exist. According to data from the CDC gathered in 1995, 70.4% of women whose periods had begun had engaged in penile-vaginal intercourse by the age of 19.

70.4% - 15 years ago! You've got to believe that this statistic has increased - particularly when you include other forms of sexual interaction.

That is the world we actually live in. The world that Facebook would like you to think we live in is one in which "adult content" must be shielded from the eyes of the public, even those of consenting age. I understand that they've got to draw the line somewhere, and they have the right to their policies.

But I'm talking about a conversation. About sex. Words... words that discuss a powerful aspect of what it means to be a human being. Where ignorance lives, danger lies, my friends. As long as we are not free to educate ourselves about our sexuality, and to share our knowledge freely with those who could benefit, we are not truly free.

PLEASE share this with as many people as you can. And share my book! This is the work of my life - creating a world where we can be free to have conversations... even about sex.

Ultimate Fellatio Tip #4 - Rough It Up

2010-01-31T17:55:00.001-07:00

Argh! Grrrrr!!

Imagine my black lab shaking her tug toy back and forth while I chant, "Kill it! Show it who's boss!"

Well, maybe we don't need to go that far, but did you know that some penises like it rough as well? Stroking and sucking is nice, and you don't usually want to try to bend an erect penis in half, but you also don't have to treat is like a rare Faberge egg.

Results will vary, and I recommend asking before you start down this path. Nonetheless, some like it rough. Here are four techniques for being less than gentle, only to be used with permission of the owner:

Squeezing - They're kinda squishy, right? So squeeze them. Press his penis between your palms, or wrap your fingers around his dick, make a fist, and squeeze... tight. Then start stroking, or...

Pulling - Grab hold and tug. Don't pull the balls and penis in opposite directions, as that can be painful and cause damage, but penises have some great flexibility, particularly when they're flaccid. She how long you can make it - it's like taffy!

Smacking - Soft or hard, you can smack his penis against the palm of your hand, against his own abdomen, against your pussy... the options are nearly endless.

Biting - Teeth are not always a turn-off! I suggest taking him fully into your mouth and biting at the base, then occasionally on your way back up. This is distinct from scraping your teeth - you should probably ask about that first as well - and you're not trying to bite him off. You can, however, also approach him from the side and nip or bite across the length of his penis.