It occurred to me just after posting my last entry that it might be valuable to point out some challenges of open relationships. I didn't mention them at first due to the fact that hubby and I are new to this! Certain experiences have yet to cross our paths. Nonetheless, it's likely that at some point...
One of us will fall in love with someone else, and both of us will have to deal with that. Neither one of us has yet been through what I'm thinking of as 'third-wheel NRE (New Relationship Energy)' - where he's in love with someone else, and I'm the third wheel, for example. He's not yet come home talking non-stop about another women, but it's likely to happen sometime.
One of us will feel like we're not getting enough attention, affection or time from the other. Right now, I'm the one who gives approval for him to go on a date, and vice versa. It's predictable that that level of control will diminish as we get used to sharing each other, and as demands from other partners increase. At some point, one of us is likely to feel slighted and have to make some powerful requests accordingly.
One of us will not WANT to keep our agreements, or give the other what's been requested! 'But I'm having so much fun with him, and now you want me to spend the Whole Next Week only with you? Wanh!' Chances are that one of us will have to manage a frustration when what we've agreed to do or give no longer feels like a good idea.
One of our relationships will end, and both partners will have to deal with it. NRE happens when a relationship starts. What's the term when a poly relationship ends? I count my blessing that both he and I are so responsible with our emotions - chances are that we'll be able to maintain friendships with our future exes as we already do with past ones. But there's still an amount of grieving that occurs when a relationship ends - something that brought me joy, for example, is now gone, and that's a loss. I can pretty much guarantee that one of us will experience grief, and the other will have to navigate "my partner is grieving, but I'm still here, but he/she's still grieving," etc.
None of these situations are good, nor are they bad. They are simply some challenges that to me appear unique to open relationships. Are they insurmountable? No. Are they 'growth opportunities?' Yes! Are they the reason that some couples end their open relationships? Yes.
I like to think that we're ahead of the game just by knowing that this stuff is likely to occur. So, when it does, we can say, "Oh yep. Here's that frustration that I knew would show up! Now, how shall we deal with this...?"
M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com
Monday, March 28, 2011
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Open Relationship... What's that?
A friend from college noticed that I'd changed my Facebook status from "Married" to "In An Open Relationship."
"Does it ever get complicated?" he asked. "Like, for instance, if your husband's girlfriend decides she wants to be more than just a girlfriend. Do you ever worry that your husband might get sick of sharing you with someone else?"
Well, I have to admit that we're just starting this adventure together, so I can't yet declare that we've made it work for the long term. Nonetheless, neither of us believes that it's either realistic or fair to expect one person to meet ALL of one's intimate needs - be they emotional or physical. So, when he has another partner to meet the needs that I can't/won't meet, it actually takes the pressure off of me, and vice versa.
Am I worried that he'll ever get sick of sharing me? No, it's not something that he's doing as a favor, or a new toy that might wear out. He is committed to my well-being and satisfaction in our marriage, and I count on that as much as I share that commitment for him. A happy wife is a better wife, right? It's in his best interest that my needs get met! AND, if he asked me to be monogamous for a period of time while he/we processed something traumatic or deeply-impactful, I would accept and honor that request. We've agreed to put one another first.
So, given that I'm thrilled that I'm not his only sexual partner, what if she wanted to fill some of the emotional roles that are currently mine - like professional adviser and motivator, best friend, or meal-preparation expert? Honestly, I think I'd be happy to share some of the responsibility! I deeply want him to be happy and fulfilled, and I'm not attached to being the source of that.
At the same time, it's MY job to make sure that I still get MY emotional needs met, so there would be a period of navigation - testing things out, tripping over unrealized boundaries and then negotiating for/around them. In other words, getting upset, figuring out why, which includes totally owning my part in it, and then determining how to mitigate that. For example, is there a request I need to make for more time with him, or more contact of a particular kind, or a certain kind of communication, etc.? Sometimes it's easy, other times more complicated.
This kind of lifestyle requires HUGE personal responsibility for one's own emotions. As my friend Philip says, "The best thing about open relationships is that you get to really learn about yourself, and the worst thing about open relationships is that you get to really learn about yourself."
Anyway... in the end, neither of us believes (=fears) that we're replaceable. NOTE: it has taken a lot of inner work and communication to get there. So, our partner having another loved one/lover isn't a threat, it's a source of support. That's not how most people in our society are taught to think, and popular media does NOT support that, which is part of why I've chosen my professional path!
Crazy, huh? On the other hand, there's a LOT of freedom here, and I suspect that we'd be more likely to divorce if we didn't have an open relationship than because we Do. To each their own... :)
M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com
"Does it ever get complicated?" he asked. "Like, for instance, if your husband's girlfriend decides she wants to be more than just a girlfriend. Do you ever worry that your husband might get sick of sharing you with someone else?"
Well, I have to admit that we're just starting this adventure together, so I can't yet declare that we've made it work for the long term. Nonetheless, neither of us believes that it's either realistic or fair to expect one person to meet ALL of one's intimate needs - be they emotional or physical. So, when he has another partner to meet the needs that I can't/won't meet, it actually takes the pressure off of me, and vice versa.
Am I worried that he'll ever get sick of sharing me? No, it's not something that he's doing as a favor, or a new toy that might wear out. He is committed to my well-being and satisfaction in our marriage, and I count on that as much as I share that commitment for him. A happy wife is a better wife, right? It's in his best interest that my needs get met! AND, if he asked me to be monogamous for a period of time while he/we processed something traumatic or deeply-impactful, I would accept and honor that request. We've agreed to put one another first.
So, given that I'm thrilled that I'm not his only sexual partner, what if she wanted to fill some of the emotional roles that are currently mine - like professional adviser and motivator, best friend, or meal-preparation expert? Honestly, I think I'd be happy to share some of the responsibility! I deeply want him to be happy and fulfilled, and I'm not attached to being the source of that.
At the same time, it's MY job to make sure that I still get MY emotional needs met, so there would be a period of navigation - testing things out, tripping over unrealized boundaries and then negotiating for/around them. In other words, getting upset, figuring out why, which includes totally owning my part in it, and then determining how to mitigate that. For example, is there a request I need to make for more time with him, or more contact of a particular kind, or a certain kind of communication, etc.? Sometimes it's easy, other times more complicated.
This kind of lifestyle requires HUGE personal responsibility for one's own emotions. As my friend Philip says, "The best thing about open relationships is that you get to really learn about yourself, and the worst thing about open relationships is that you get to really learn about yourself."
Anyway... in the end, neither of us believes (=fears) that we're replaceable. NOTE: it has taken a lot of inner work and communication to get there. So, our partner having another loved one/lover isn't a threat, it's a source of support. That's not how most people in our society are taught to think, and popular media does NOT support that, which is part of why I've chosen my professional path!
Crazy, huh? On the other hand, there's a LOT of freedom here, and I suspect that we'd be more likely to divorce if we didn't have an open relationship than because we Do. To each their own... :)
M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Children, and why not to date them.
So hubby and I have finally decided that we're ready to start seeing other people. If you've read many of my past blog entries, you're likely aware that we're both naturally non-monogamous, and that we each have needs that can't be met together. Thus, our solution is to find partners with whom we Can get these needs met.
Great! Now, how does one do that, exactly?
Well, I started by checking out AFF - Adult Friend Finder. I'd heard it mentioned several times and thought I should get a sense of the site, for professional reasons if nothing else. And I got LOTS of flattering attention - most women do, I suspect. And, I actually found a guy about whom I was interested to know more.
It took a lot of time for us to meet face-to-face... I got really ill right after we met online, and it took almost six weeks before I felt well enough to meet someone new in real-time. Several times I almost quit him, a few of his emails made me rather uncomfortable, but he was persistent, and extremely flirtatious - to the point that I was a little intimidated. I kept reminding him that there were no promises, and I had no idea if we'd really click or not, and that Friends HAD to come before Benefits! He assured me that he understood.
So we met for lunch. He was moderately attractive, physically, and he was funny! Nice guy - and a REAL talker. We got on very well, I thought. Overall, he was someone I'd like to add to my group of friends - and I told him so. I thought we might be able to have some manner of sexy fun, but I told him I needed to spend more time with him first to find out. He kissed me goodbye, and meh, it was okay. Again, I needed more connection first.
Well, he wasn't happy to be put off much longer, and he wasn't available when I invited him to meet my husband at an event. I thought about it, and realized that I just don't have the connection with him that I'd need for a sexual relationship, and I don't think it'll show up either. It was my error for not honoring my instincts earlier, and I owned that. I was authentic, straight, clear, and compassionate, and I welcomed a continued friendship.
HOLY SHIT! I'd forgotten how humans can rewrite their memories to suit their current state of mind!
I subsequently received a nasty, snarky attack of an email telling me that he'd never really liked me at all, how annoying I am, how he knew from early on that I'm an egomaniac, etc., etc. and SO many other simply mean and childish things. Mean, childish, and with no basis in reality! I could show you the emails, the text messages, the many aspects of how he chased me and how excited me was about meeting me, etc. But no. Either he's the biggest player I've ever met - and I honestly don't think he's that skilled - or he's rewritten the past to save him from facing his own disappointment.
So what have I learned from this?
I am sad and disappointed. But there's also excitement, because I've met this other guy through OkCupid...
M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com
Great! Now, how does one do that, exactly?
Well, I started by checking out AFF - Adult Friend Finder. I'd heard it mentioned several times and thought I should get a sense of the site, for professional reasons if nothing else. And I got LOTS of flattering attention - most women do, I suspect. And, I actually found a guy about whom I was interested to know more.
It took a lot of time for us to meet face-to-face... I got really ill right after we met online, and it took almost six weeks before I felt well enough to meet someone new in real-time. Several times I almost quit him, a few of his emails made me rather uncomfortable, but he was persistent, and extremely flirtatious - to the point that I was a little intimidated. I kept reminding him that there were no promises, and I had no idea if we'd really click or not, and that Friends HAD to come before Benefits! He assured me that he understood.
So we met for lunch. He was moderately attractive, physically, and he was funny! Nice guy - and a REAL talker. We got on very well, I thought. Overall, he was someone I'd like to add to my group of friends - and I told him so. I thought we might be able to have some manner of sexy fun, but I told him I needed to spend more time with him first to find out. He kissed me goodbye, and meh, it was okay. Again, I needed more connection first.
Well, he wasn't happy to be put off much longer, and he wasn't available when I invited him to meet my husband at an event. I thought about it, and realized that I just don't have the connection with him that I'd need for a sexual relationship, and I don't think it'll show up either. It was my error for not honoring my instincts earlier, and I owned that. I was authentic, straight, clear, and compassionate, and I welcomed a continued friendship.
HOLY SHIT! I'd forgotten how humans can rewrite their memories to suit their current state of mind!
I subsequently received a nasty, snarky attack of an email telling me that he'd never really liked me at all, how annoying I am, how he knew from early on that I'm an egomaniac, etc., etc. and SO many other simply mean and childish things. Mean, childish, and with no basis in reality! I could show you the emails, the text messages, the many aspects of how he chased me and how excited me was about meeting me, etc. But no. Either he's the biggest player I've ever met - and I honestly don't think he's that skilled - or he's rewritten the past to save him from facing his own disappointment.
So what have I learned from this?
- Trust my instincts. If I'm at all uneasy about someone, then I don't need to meet them!
- It's okay to take my time - and theirs. I have a life. You do too. If you don't get to meet me right away, that's okay! You can wait! And so can I. Anyone who feels the need to rush me probably isn't someone I want to meet.
- If the chemistry/connection isn't there, then it isn't there. I'm not looking for a relationship that will grow on me - I'm explicitly looking for a quick and palpable connection. And that's okay.
- I might want to go out on 3, 5, or even 10 dates before I decide whether or not I'm going to have sex with you! And I will make sure you understand that from the start. If you've got a problem with that, then we shouldn't "start" at all!
I am sad and disappointed. But there's also excitement, because I've met this other guy through OkCupid...
M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Rant: Rihanna, you do us wrong.
Dance club diva she may be, but I've gotta admit that some of Rihanna's lyrics make me uncomfortable, and her latest hit has me downright disturbed and annoyed. Crimony, it makes me feel like an old lady railing against 'the music those kids listen to today', but when must an artist take responsibility for the cultural and social impact of their message? Allow me to explain...
Let's review some of the possible lessons of Rihanna's lyrics for "Only Girl".
(Refrain)
Want you to make me feel like I'm the only girl in the world
Like I'm the only one that you'll ever love
Like I'm the only one who knows your heart
Only girl in the world...
Like I'm the only one that's in command
Cuz I'm the only one who understands how to make you feel like a man, yeah
1) Co-dependence
The very concept that it's Your responsibility to make Me feel like a woman, or mine to make you feel like a man, is co-dependent. My emotions are mine, and it's MY job to manage them, not yours, and vice versa.
2) Selfishness
Why would I want to be the Only One that my partner will ever love? ('has loved' is implied, eh?) Or who will ever know his heart? How f@%&ing selfish is that?!
Loving people and being loved in return is a joyous and magical experience that I want my partner to have. I hope he's been loved by many people before me, and should we break up, that he'll find love with others in the future. Even if we agree to be monogamous, I still hope that he meets new people, comes to love them, and has lots of people in his life with whom he can share his heart.
Not only would I find it selfish to hoard his love for myself, but it's also selfish to deny him other resources for experiencing love. (Not to mention the pressure placed on me should I be made responsible for meeting all of his future needs in the realm of love. But that's a different issue altogether.) Why would I want to limit his life this way unless I'm threatened, which brings me to the next point...
3) Competitiveness
Perhaps it's just me, but isn't there a measure of competition once I demand to be the Only One? It's me OR anyone else. Now, before you get all uppity, I acknowledge the difference between wanting to BE the only one and wanting to FEEL LIKE the only one. Bear with me here...
If it's desirable to Feel like the only one, it must therefore be desirable to BE the only one, and for me to be the only one, I must be in competition with others. And this is the message that we soak up without question... It's Me vs. You ladies.
Now go watch the video. First, if she were the only girl in the world, I doubt she'd be wandering around the desert in her low-backed strapless bra!
The real issue is the message that she's selling... one of which is that men are submissive. How else do you explain her lyric about 'making him beg for it and then swallow his pride,' ergo - emasculating him, and that she's 'the only one who makes him feel like a man?' Okay, yes, some men are submissive by choice, but not all! Most men I've dated felt LESS like a "man" when emasculated, but perhaps that's just me.
And women... well, clearly, providing enthusiastic sex is what will make us feel valued and desired. We're sold the line that we'll win the competition for attention by being really giving in bed, putting his sexual needs first, and by being responsible for his feelings of masculinity. (Which we've already undermined...)
REALLY? For a one night stand, that's fine. But for any other substantial relationship, not so much. Albeit, it's not an uncommon message, and yet, it does not lead to a healthy and fulfilling partnership. And musical messages are so subliminal! They sneak right in and inform our view of ourselves, each other and the world without our even noticing. Is it any wonder that so many of us experience such mental and emotional, not to mention physical, trauma as we enter the realm of romantic and sexual relationship?
Rihanna, I implore you... if you actually care about the well-being of your fans, please take a tougher look at what you choose to promote with your beats and your voice. You can do so much better, and we deserve it.
M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com
Let's review some of the possible lessons of Rihanna's lyrics for "Only Girl".
(Refrain)
Want you to make me feel like I'm the only girl in the world
Like I'm the only one that you'll ever love
Like I'm the only one who knows your heart
Only girl in the world...
Like I'm the only one that's in command
Cuz I'm the only one who understands how to make you feel like a man, yeah
1) Co-dependence
The very concept that it's Your responsibility to make Me feel like a woman, or mine to make you feel like a man, is co-dependent. My emotions are mine, and it's MY job to manage them, not yours, and vice versa.
2) Selfishness
Why would I want to be the Only One that my partner will ever love? ('has loved' is implied, eh?) Or who will ever know his heart? How f@%&ing selfish is that?!
Loving people and being loved in return is a joyous and magical experience that I want my partner to have. I hope he's been loved by many people before me, and should we break up, that he'll find love with others in the future. Even if we agree to be monogamous, I still hope that he meets new people, comes to love them, and has lots of people in his life with whom he can share his heart.
Not only would I find it selfish to hoard his love for myself, but it's also selfish to deny him other resources for experiencing love. (Not to mention the pressure placed on me should I be made responsible for meeting all of his future needs in the realm of love. But that's a different issue altogether.) Why would I want to limit his life this way unless I'm threatened, which brings me to the next point...
3) Competitiveness
Perhaps it's just me, but isn't there a measure of competition once I demand to be the Only One? It's me OR anyone else. Now, before you get all uppity, I acknowledge the difference between wanting to BE the only one and wanting to FEEL LIKE the only one. Bear with me here...
If it's desirable to Feel like the only one, it must therefore be desirable to BE the only one, and for me to be the only one, I must be in competition with others. And this is the message that we soak up without question... It's Me vs. You ladies.
Now go watch the video. First, if she were the only girl in the world, I doubt she'd be wandering around the desert in her low-backed strapless bra!
The real issue is the message that she's selling... one of which is that men are submissive. How else do you explain her lyric about 'making him beg for it and then swallow his pride,' ergo - emasculating him, and that she's 'the only one who makes him feel like a man?' Okay, yes, some men are submissive by choice, but not all! Most men I've dated felt LESS like a "man" when emasculated, but perhaps that's just me.
And women... well, clearly, providing enthusiastic sex is what will make us feel valued and desired. We're sold the line that we'll win the competition for attention by being really giving in bed, putting his sexual needs first, and by being responsible for his feelings of masculinity. (Which we've already undermined...)
REALLY? For a one night stand, that's fine. But for any other substantial relationship, not so much. Albeit, it's not an uncommon message, and yet, it does not lead to a healthy and fulfilling partnership. And musical messages are so subliminal! They sneak right in and inform our view of ourselves, each other and the world without our even noticing. Is it any wonder that so many of us experience such mental and emotional, not to mention physical, trauma as we enter the realm of romantic and sexual relationship?
Rihanna, I implore you... if you actually care about the well-being of your fans, please take a tougher look at what you choose to promote with your beats and your voice. You can do so much better, and we deserve it.
M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
All at once well met. Hello, Winnipeg!
This was written two months ago, and held for personal considerations. Let's go back to early November...
---
Here I am in Winnipeg, Manitoba, doing my affirmations and energetic field work, hanging with myself, having awesome conversations with taxi drivers, and making a difference in the lives of free-trade shop owners. Holy shit. Stay tuned for the miracle...
I decided to hang out at The Forks today, a relatively new development of shops, a market, an open-air amphitheater, a prairie garden, and several other walks and areas and features that educate a visitor about the history of the land, the region, and the peoples. Almost instantly, it spoke to me. I grew up deeply connected to wild lands, reading about the legends of the Sandy Lake Cree, and there, right before me in an outdoor park, was written Cree. A part of me is at home here.
The amphitheater's stone elements are carved with stories of many cultures' relationships to the night sky, most topped with a metal structure that sights the mentioned stars from the center of the plaza at certain days and times of the year. I learned about the Three Steps of Vishnu, the Mesopotamian Lion and Sickle, the Chinese lovers Niu Lang and Zhi Nu who, banished to opposite sides of the sky, are connected once yearly by a bridge of magpies across the constellation Cygnus. And more.
I've long desired a powerful telescope, so you know that I geeked out.
This, however, came AFTER investigating the market and shops, upon which I met P. She has a shop there, which I was about to walk right past when she made eye contact and said, "Hi!" So I responded in kind and decided to check out her wares.
"What are you reading?" she asked, seeing my latest Terry Pratchett book poking out of my pocket. I praised his skill and cleverness as a writer, and she showed me what she's reading... a book by Eckhart Tolle, a spiritual writer/composer/etc. who's crossed my path, and my Ipod, before.
Thus launched an hour-long conversation about spirituality, relationships, marriage, writing and publishing, websites, energy work, and more. Which was great enough... and here comes the miracle.
I mentioned my affirmations, which I've been led to write myself... three each morning. One of this morning's affirmations was, "I make a difference with everyone I meet." Well, it turns out that P, who has been happily married and entirely faithful for over 25 years, has an admirer... a professional man, younger-than-she, with whom she has felt a deep connection. A heart-connection blending with desire, longing, and chemistry.
And although she has broken off communication with him (he's truly stuck on her even though she's married, and has been trying to entice her onto the slippery slope of "just-friendship"), and though she has never encouraged him, nor done anything other than hug him, she has felt guilty.
"I would never take action," she explained, "because if I did I know I'd hide it, and even if I hid it, my husband would know. And then it would be over, and I LOVE my husband." She is a happily, lovingly, joyfully married woman, and she's felt guilty for even feeling what she has felt for this other man. "How can it be possible?" she asked me.
WELL! Did she ask the right person or what?!
So she talked, I listened, I shared, she inquired, I explained, and she was SOOOO relieved. "I've never told anyone other than my sister about this!" she said.
Monogamy is simply what works for her, her husband, and for their marriage. And somehow, knowing that there are other ways, that she can feel what she feels and still trust herself to make the choices that honor her marriage, and that feeling those feelings does not automatically dishonor her husband, has allowed her to release the guilt. YAHOO! An hour well-spent!
She hopes to see me again before I leave town, though I'm not sure how that will happen. I'm going to help her figure out something technical about her website, and I know that we'll stay in touch. She is too cool, with too much going on, to not follow her adventures with curiosity and enthusiasm.
And so, though it looks like this trip is pushing my finances toward their limit, how can I NOT have faith that I am in the right place at the right time, doing exactly what I'm supposed to do? This adventure has largely been about hearing and following my inner guidance. So far, so great!
ps - All At Once Well Met is the title of an English madrigal by Thomas Weelkes. I sang madrigals in high school, and this title spoke to me as I stood in the clear, chill air of the amphitheater, reflecting on the wonder of "coincidence." :)
M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com
---
Here I am in Winnipeg, Manitoba, doing my affirmations and energetic field work, hanging with myself, having awesome conversations with taxi drivers, and making a difference in the lives of free-trade shop owners. Holy shit. Stay tuned for the miracle...
I decided to hang out at The Forks today, a relatively new development of shops, a market, an open-air amphitheater, a prairie garden, and several other walks and areas and features that educate a visitor about the history of the land, the region, and the peoples. Almost instantly, it spoke to me. I grew up deeply connected to wild lands, reading about the legends of the Sandy Lake Cree, and there, right before me in an outdoor park, was written Cree. A part of me is at home here.
The amphitheater's stone elements are carved with stories of many cultures' relationships to the night sky, most topped with a metal structure that sights the mentioned stars from the center of the plaza at certain days and times of the year. I learned about the Three Steps of Vishnu, the Mesopotamian Lion and Sickle, the Chinese lovers Niu Lang and Zhi Nu who, banished to opposite sides of the sky, are connected once yearly by a bridge of magpies across the constellation Cygnus. And more.
I've long desired a powerful telescope, so you know that I geeked out.
This, however, came AFTER investigating the market and shops, upon which I met P. She has a shop there, which I was about to walk right past when she made eye contact and said, "Hi!" So I responded in kind and decided to check out her wares.
"What are you reading?" she asked, seeing my latest Terry Pratchett book poking out of my pocket. I praised his skill and cleverness as a writer, and she showed me what she's reading... a book by Eckhart Tolle, a spiritual writer/composer/etc. who's crossed my path, and my Ipod, before.
Thus launched an hour-long conversation about spirituality, relationships, marriage, writing and publishing, websites, energy work, and more. Which was great enough... and here comes the miracle.
I mentioned my affirmations, which I've been led to write myself... three each morning. One of this morning's affirmations was, "I make a difference with everyone I meet." Well, it turns out that P, who has been happily married and entirely faithful for over 25 years, has an admirer... a professional man, younger-than-she, with whom she has felt a deep connection. A heart-connection blending with desire, longing, and chemistry.
And although she has broken off communication with him (he's truly stuck on her even though she's married, and has been trying to entice her onto the slippery slope of "just-friendship"), and though she has never encouraged him, nor done anything other than hug him, she has felt guilty.
"I would never take action," she explained, "because if I did I know I'd hide it, and even if I hid it, my husband would know. And then it would be over, and I LOVE my husband." She is a happily, lovingly, joyfully married woman, and she's felt guilty for even feeling what she has felt for this other man. "How can it be possible?" she asked me.
WELL! Did she ask the right person or what?!
So she talked, I listened, I shared, she inquired, I explained, and she was SOOOO relieved. "I've never told anyone other than my sister about this!" she said.
Monogamy is simply what works for her, her husband, and for their marriage. And somehow, knowing that there are other ways, that she can feel what she feels and still trust herself to make the choices that honor her marriage, and that feeling those feelings does not automatically dishonor her husband, has allowed her to release the guilt. YAHOO! An hour well-spent!
She hopes to see me again before I leave town, though I'm not sure how that will happen. I'm going to help her figure out something technical about her website, and I know that we'll stay in touch. She is too cool, with too much going on, to not follow her adventures with curiosity and enthusiasm.
And so, though it looks like this trip is pushing my finances toward their limit, how can I NOT have faith that I am in the right place at the right time, doing exactly what I'm supposed to do? This adventure has largely been about hearing and following my inner guidance. So far, so great!
ps - All At Once Well Met is the title of an English madrigal by Thomas Weelkes. I sang madrigals in high school, and this title spoke to me as I stood in the clear, chill air of the amphitheater, reflecting on the wonder of "coincidence." :)
M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Success for NCSF's DSM Revision Project!
I've supported the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom for years now, and I find this recent news particularly share-worthy. Yay for the NCSF! You can learn more about their mission at www.ncsfreedom.org.
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NCSF's DSM Revision Project is Successful in 2010
By: Susan Wright
NCSF Media Relations
One of the ways we can see the positive affect of NCSF's DSM Revision Project is in the outcome of child custody cases. NCSF's Incident Response program helps almost 500 people a year: 132 people asked for help with child custody/divorce cases in 2009, while 154 people asked for help with the same in 2008. NCSF provides expert referrals, educates lawyers and social service professionals, and supplies the research and information that can convince family court judges to allow kinky parents to keep custody of their kids.
Five years ago, NCSF's success rate was approximately 20% when it came to refuting the false contention that a parent is unfit because they're involved in BDSM, swinging or polyamory. Today, that success rate has risen to 50%.
A large part of this success is due to NCSF's efforts to change the tone of the conversation in media and politics. In 2010, NCSF staff were successful in persuading the American Psychiatric Association to depathologize Sexual Sadism, Sexual Masochism, Fetishism and cross-dressing. Since then, family court judges have cited the proposed revisions for the DSM-V (that have not even been published yet) as the reason for dismissing challenges to child custody due to a parent's alternative sexuality.
In the years ahead, with your support, NCSF will continue to make strides to achieve equality for all consenting adults no matter who they love or how they have sex.
Friday, December 3, 2010
EM Field Work Saved My Sex Life
Over the past several months I've gotten trained in a method of working within the human electromagnetic (EM) field. Not only has this provided results for my clients, but when I say that it has saved my sex life, I'm not even overstating the case. Check it out...
Over the past year, I had slowly lost my libido. As a relationship coach and sexuality educator, you can imagine some of the challenges this posed. Women would call me about their reduced sex drive, and I'd think, "Me too!" Was my fiance unattractive? No! Was I repulsed by sex? No. If he started things, I'd eventually warm up and have fun. I just didn't care to pursue sex, nor did I find men (or women) particularly desirable. This was NOT usual for me, and long before our wedding I was getting really scared.
It was also very frustrating for my fiance-now-husband. While we were convinced that it was a temporary situation, nothing we tried (going off birth control pills, taking various supplements, exercising more, etc.) made any appreciable difference. Thank God he's such a patient and loving man.
Since our wedding in September, my favorable response to his touch had diminished even further. Roughly ten days ago we hit a crisis when I burst into tears during sex. Not the good tears, the bad ones. Even a moment of physical pain - even strong discomfort - launched me into thoughts of, "My pain doesn't matter to you." "I just have to take it." "If I speak up there will be painful consequences." All of this encapsulated by a thick layer of deep fear and anxiety.
We began working on it together, laying in bed for 30-60 minutes at a time while he touched me gently on my arm, my wrist, my sternum, my abdomen. "How's this? What thoughts come up?" Again, abject anxiety and terror. "I have no choice," and much more. We discovered that my experience of physical arousal had become associated with physical pain, helplessness and fear. The one immediately led to thoughts of the other. I have never been forced to have sex without my consent, but I FELT like I was processing the results of sexual abuse! What the hell was going on?!
Upon discovering this collapse between arousal and fear, I called my coach, the life coach who introduced me to EM field work, and asked him to do an integration for me. He agreed and we met the next day, which was two nights ago.
The first step in any integration is declaring an intention and setting a goal, and he was extraordinary at helping me to discern additional aspects of what's been going on and distill it into a clear goal. Part of what showed up was a link between a non-sexual incident with my father when I was six and a rage incident with my husband at about the time that my desire began diminishing. I had never connected them before because their behaviors and the circumstances were so different, but MY emotional experience was identical: The man I loved the most had physically hurt me, out of the blue, I didn't know why, and I was being blamed for something. Seeing that connection, while amazing, did nothing to resolve the issue… but it helped us arrive at my intention of Courage and Forgiveness.
And then we did an integration. It was effortless – my job being to lay on the massage table, lock my deltoid when he asked me a question (muscle testing), and to keep my intention present – and it took all of 30 minutes. One of the things I love about this work is how gentle it is on the body and mind!
So I drove home. Immediately, I felt a freedom around my husband, something that had been in the way was gone. He noticed that I was much more affectionate, which he really appreciates. I can look him in the eyes for longer. I can kiss him without feeling the need to squirm away after a few seconds. Even spooning him in bed feels different, closer somehow.
The next day we challenged my body as we had before. "What if I touch you here? What's there for you?"
The results this time? NOTHING'S WRONG! A touch is just a touch again. It no longer means that sex is impending whether I want it or not, and that I should get scared. Sexual arousal is just arousal… and it's even enjoyable again! No fear, no terror, no anxiety. Even intercourse is more enjoyable! The nattering conversations and disempowering thoughts that had been filling my mind and clouding my perception are quiet now, and I am once again free to Experience.
Now, I may not yet be my lush, desirous, fully sexually expressed self again, but to be without the fear of pain and repercussion after twelve months of distress is HUGE. A damn miracle is what it is, and that it transformed in under two hours, nearly effortlessly, blows me away.
THAT is exactly why I now offer this work to my clients, my family, friends, STRANGERS! It is the most powerful tool I've come across to address a particular area of concern quickly, easily, gently, and with instant, clear (and sometimes miraculous) results. Check it out at my website.
What would YOU like to change or have be different in your life?
M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com
Over the past year, I had slowly lost my libido. As a relationship coach and sexuality educator, you can imagine some of the challenges this posed. Women would call me about their reduced sex drive, and I'd think, "Me too!" Was my fiance unattractive? No! Was I repulsed by sex? No. If he started things, I'd eventually warm up and have fun. I just didn't care to pursue sex, nor did I find men (or women) particularly desirable. This was NOT usual for me, and long before our wedding I was getting really scared.
It was also very frustrating for my fiance-now-husband. While we were convinced that it was a temporary situation, nothing we tried (going off birth control pills, taking various supplements, exercising more, etc.) made any appreciable difference. Thank God he's such a patient and loving man.
Since our wedding in September, my favorable response to his touch had diminished even further. Roughly ten days ago we hit a crisis when I burst into tears during sex. Not the good tears, the bad ones. Even a moment of physical pain - even strong discomfort - launched me into thoughts of, "My pain doesn't matter to you." "I just have to take it." "If I speak up there will be painful consequences." All of this encapsulated by a thick layer of deep fear and anxiety.
We began working on it together, laying in bed for 30-60 minutes at a time while he touched me gently on my arm, my wrist, my sternum, my abdomen. "How's this? What thoughts come up?" Again, abject anxiety and terror. "I have no choice," and much more. We discovered that my experience of physical arousal had become associated with physical pain, helplessness and fear. The one immediately led to thoughts of the other. I have never been forced to have sex without my consent, but I FELT like I was processing the results of sexual abuse! What the hell was going on?!
Upon discovering this collapse between arousal and fear, I called my coach, the life coach who introduced me to EM field work, and asked him to do an integration for me. He agreed and we met the next day, which was two nights ago.
The first step in any integration is declaring an intention and setting a goal, and he was extraordinary at helping me to discern additional aspects of what's been going on and distill it into a clear goal. Part of what showed up was a link between a non-sexual incident with my father when I was six and a rage incident with my husband at about the time that my desire began diminishing. I had never connected them before because their behaviors and the circumstances were so different, but MY emotional experience was identical: The man I loved the most had physically hurt me, out of the blue, I didn't know why, and I was being blamed for something. Seeing that connection, while amazing, did nothing to resolve the issue… but it helped us arrive at my intention of Courage and Forgiveness.
And then we did an integration. It was effortless – my job being to lay on the massage table, lock my deltoid when he asked me a question (muscle testing), and to keep my intention present – and it took all of 30 minutes. One of the things I love about this work is how gentle it is on the body and mind!
So I drove home. Immediately, I felt a freedom around my husband, something that had been in the way was gone. He noticed that I was much more affectionate, which he really appreciates. I can look him in the eyes for longer. I can kiss him without feeling the need to squirm away after a few seconds. Even spooning him in bed feels different, closer somehow.
The next day we challenged my body as we had before. "What if I touch you here? What's there for you?"
The results this time? NOTHING'S WRONG! A touch is just a touch again. It no longer means that sex is impending whether I want it or not, and that I should get scared. Sexual arousal is just arousal… and it's even enjoyable again! No fear, no terror, no anxiety. Even intercourse is more enjoyable! The nattering conversations and disempowering thoughts that had been filling my mind and clouding my perception are quiet now, and I am once again free to Experience.
Now, I may not yet be my lush, desirous, fully sexually expressed self again, but to be without the fear of pain and repercussion after twelve months of distress is HUGE. A damn miracle is what it is, and that it transformed in under two hours, nearly effortlessly, blows me away.
THAT is exactly why I now offer this work to my clients, my family, friends, STRANGERS! It is the most powerful tool I've come across to address a particular area of concern quickly, easily, gently, and with instant, clear (and sometimes miraculous) results. Check it out at my website.
What would YOU like to change or have be different in your life?
M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com
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