Inquiring Into Female Desire

As you can tell from the previous article, female desire is quite an issue today in the world of human sexuality. What you may not realize is that there are multiple camps of thought - some that promote the creation of a "pink viagra" and others arguing that it's all mental and emotional. And between these camps and many other, much (as one author puts it) academic cat-fighting.

This blog, which I recommend reading, makes a good point that some of the causes of modern FSD (Female Sexual Dysfunction) are sociocultural. To quote:

"For one thing, our expectations of sex have outgrown our knowledge base. The average child is exposed to 14 thousand sexual images a year. Most of which bear no resemblance to the reality of human sexual response. I don't know how many movie love scenes I have watched over the years with no clitoral stimulation, instant intercourse, and simultaneous orgasms for both parties -- an unlikely sequence of events. And let's not even get started on the lack of realism in porn.

Then we have the self-help genre and the Oprah machine continually reminding us of just how important sex is to a happy relationship. All the while, our young grow up under abstinence based sex ed programs that tell them nothing about how to actually have "mind-blowing" sex. Factor in a culture still mired in sexism, sexual repression, and a hatred of real (but not pornified female sexuality) -- and you have a recipe for sexual dysfunction."

She also makes a smart review of the attitudes toward women's sexuality during the middle ages and Victorian Era, providing a chilling measure of context. Ultimately, research on multiple fronts will be necessary. Now, who'll fund it?

Again, I offer this link, to an article reviewing several researchers' theories of the human sexual response cycle.


M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

Orgasm - Sometimes Those Who Can, Teach.

Once a month, I attend a luncheon gathering for local members of the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT). Some of us who attend are not official members, but we all work within this general field. We are Sexologists, Psychologists, Psychotherapists, and Coaches of various specialties, and we have the most fascinating discussions!

October of 2010's discussion centered around working with clients who have difficulty becoming orgasmic, and I learned so much that I thought I'd share it with you.

Some of the challenges that we discussed involved male clients (no names ever mentioned) who could achieve an erection alone, but not with a partner; female clients who feel arousal but just can't reach orgasm; and female clients who can't seem to identify anything that arouses them. One of the challenges identified for clients who cannot reach orgasm is the intense desire TO reach orgasm, and the part that societal expectations play in nourishing that anxious desire.

In a culture where we are reinforced from an early age, through media and popular dialogue, that successful sex ends in orgasm (preferably simultaneous) for both partners, the person unable to reach orgasm can experience a lot of pressure. Not only may there be external pressure - EX: a reflected sense of self from the other partner, such as 'my partner feels like a poor lover if I do not cum' - but also internal pressure - EX: 'there's something wrong with me if I do not cum.'

Add to this a culture in which the mental, emotional, and spiritual aspects of sex are not often openly discussed, particularly during our youth, when our bodies and expectations are rapidly developing, and you've got a recipe for misunderstanding and anxiety. Any thoughts of how sex Should Be, beyond 'consensual and enjoyable for all partners', is limiting. What to do?

Some of the discussed solutions involved embracing a focus on Pleasure... on enjoying the process rather than chasing a particular outcome. This is, of course, easy to say, but perhaps not as easy to actualize when one has never had an orgasm. Some questions we might ask such a client are, "When are you IN your body?" or "What is a successful sexual experience to you?" As a relationship coach, I would also want to ask, "What do you perceive as a successful sexual experience for your partner?" and then determine if there was an open two-way channel of communication about that perception.

Therapist David Reed's model of the erotic pathway was raised, which includes the following four stages: Seduction, Sensation, Surrender, and Reflection. To quote an article on Human Sexual Response Cycles, "During the stage of surrender we can experience orgasm. According to Reed, orgasm requires momentarily surrendering and giving up control. It requires us to take our mind off our performance or to stop "spectatoring." To experience orgasm requires us to stop worrying about how we look or smell, or about making too much noise, or about whether we are going to have a bowel or bladder accident. It also requires trust of ourselves and of our partner if we are with a partner."

For those of us who live largely in our minds rather than our bodies, this can pose an additional challenge. Although still illegal, marijuana has been known to help people get out of their heads and into their bodies, thus facilitating such a release of control, and this raises the topic of the biochemistry of an orgasm.

Apparently, orgasm is dependent on a spike in the neurotransmitter Serotonin. Anxiety is known to crash serotonin levels, so it's no surprise that worrying makes an orgasm less likely. Marijuana use facilitates the output of serotonin, but, if used daily, can establish a new "normal" within the brain. This is not unlike the Selective Serotonin Re-uptake Inhibitor (SSRI) family of drugs, such as Prozac, Paxil and Zoloft, among others, which create an even level of serotonin in the brain, and which may point to why so many people self-medicate for depression and anxiety with marijuana.

The problem here is that we need a serotonin spike to achieve orgasm, which is simply not possible when the brain's level of serotonin has been artificially raised. Et voila - SSRIs and chronic marijuana use often lead to loss of libido and/or sexual dysfunction.

Regarding clients challenged with basic arousal, we might ask them to speculate on the wide variety of arousal vectors - visual, audible, taste, smell, tactile, fantasy, and/or contextual, among others. At this point we must also consider the common differences between the ways in which men and women gain access to arousal. While my husband may merely need to look at me as a sexual object to find something arousing, I need to experience an emotional and physical connection in order to even begin to get into 'the mood.' Breathing, energy and connection-based exercises such as those found in Tantric practices can help women and men who first need that kind of experience to gain access to their physical arousal.

Additionally, for a client who just can't seem to get there, and for whom the mental/emotional process is healthy, many of us would recommend experimentation with various types of stimulation. Fingers are great, and there's so much more. Sex toys, dildos of different densities, vibrators, G-spot and prostate stimulators, butt plugs... until you've tried them, who knows which one might suddenly light your fire?!

Lastly, there's the importance of drilling down to the underlying issue or concern. Many a client who states, "I want to have an orgasm," may have a deeper desire that is more directly addressed. With such a client we might ask, "What would make an orgasm possible for you?" Perhaps it's trust, safety, anonymity, or another aspect that, if not distinguished, could continue to make that very orgasm an uncomfortable impossibility.

Wishing you great orgasms!

Additional Reference: Betty Dodson, Orgasm Doctor

Article of Interest: HBO options a controversial book about one young woman's quest for an orgasm.



M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

Quotes & Articles

There are so many brilliant people in the world these days. Here are some links to several articles, videos and blogs that I've found valuable and entertaining...

"My mind thinks I am lacking - that I need this or that something outside myself in order to be happy. Focusing on that lack - a specific house, a partner, relationships the way I think they should be - means I have attached myself to an outcome. And, therefore, I have set myself up for suffering. ... So how do I shift from the perceived separation of self from world to the idea of non-attachment - the presumably underlying reality? Part of the answer is letting go of the thing I think I must have."

Accordingly, this article shares seven tips for letting go with hope - worth reading!
To Get What You Want, Give Up, Insanely Serene Blog

"It's Gets Better" - Love, Pixar. A message of hope from the employees at Pixar Animation Studios. I dare you to not be moved! (I cried.)

The only thing missing is MY book! I'll have to send Violet a note...
2010's Top Hot Sex Books for Gifting/Coveting

A daily compilation of articles from some reputable sources, bloggers and educators.
The Sexual Freedom Daily

Virginity, Feminism & Publicity: The "Deflowering" of Nicki Blue

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Sex in Egypt

You think we're stuffy about sex in the USA? Try living in Egypt where even married couples have a hard time discussing sex with each other. No, seriously, to the point where they even avoided the topic during anonymous interviews for a documentary ABOUT sex.

"I couldn't use all the interviews because when they sat in front of the camera, I couldn't get something real out of them. They were going around the issue," says documentary director Amr Bayoumi.

Read more...

http://www.cnn.com/2010/WORLD/meast/12/15/egypt.sex.film/

Rant: Rihanna, you do us wrong.

Dance club diva she may be, but I've gotta admit that some of Rihanna's lyrics make me uncomfortable, and her latest hit has me downright disturbed and annoyed. Crimony, it makes me feel like an old lady railing against 'the music those kids listen to today', but when must an artist take responsibility for the cultural and social impact of their message? Allow me to explain...

Let's review some of the possible lessons of Rihanna's lyrics for "Only Girl".

(Refrain)
Want you to make me feel like I'm the only girl in the world
Like I'm the only one that you'll ever love
Like I'm the only one who knows your heart
Only girl in the world...
Like I'm the only one that's in command
Cuz I'm the only one who understands how to make you feel like a man, yeah

1) Co-dependence
The very concept that it's Your responsibility to make Me feel like a woman, or mine to make you feel like a man, is co-dependent. My emotions are mine, and it's MY job to manage them, not yours, and vice versa.

2) Selfishness
Why would I want to be the Only One that my partner will ever love? ('has loved' is implied, eh?) Or who will ever know his heart? How f@%&ing selfish is that?!

Loving people and being loved in return is a joyous and magical experience that I want my partner to have. I hope he's been loved by many people before me, and should we break up, that he'll find love with others in the future. Even if we agree to be monogamous, I still hope that he meets new people, comes to love them, and has lots of people in his life with whom he can share his heart.

Not only would I find it selfish to hoard his love for myself, but it's also selfish to deny him other resources for experiencing love. (Not to mention the pressure placed on me should I be made responsible for meeting all of his future needs in the realm of love. But that's a different issue altogether.) Why would I want to limit his life this way unless I'm threatened, which brings me to the next point...

3) Competitiveness
Perhaps it's just me, but isn't there a measure of competition once I demand to be the Only One? It's me OR anyone else. Now, before you get all uppity, I acknowledge the difference between wanting to BE the only one and wanting to FEEL LIKE the only one. Bear with me here...

If it's desirable to Feel like the only one, it must therefore be desirable to BE the only one, and for me to be the only one, I must be in competition with others. And this is the message that we soak up without question... It's Me vs. You ladies.

Now go watch the video. First, if she were the only girl in the world, I doubt she'd be wandering around the desert in her low-backed strapless bra!

The real issue is the message that she's selling... one of which is that men are submissive. How else do you explain her lyric about 'making him beg for it and then swallow his pride,' ergo - emasculating him, and that she's 'the only one who makes him feel like a man?' Okay, yes, some men are submissive by choice, but not all! Most men I've dated felt LESS like a "man" when emasculated, but perhaps that's just me.

And women... well, clearly, providing enthusiastic sex is what will make us feel valued and desired. We're sold the line that we'll win the competition for attention by being really giving in bed, putting his sexual needs first, and by being responsible for his feelings of masculinity. (Which we've already undermined...)

REALLY? For a one night stand, that's fine. But for any other substantial relationship, not so much. Albeit, it's not an uncommon message, and yet, it does not lead to a healthy and fulfilling partnership. And musical messages are so subliminal! They sneak right in and inform our view of ourselves, each other and the world without our even noticing. Is it any wonder that so many of us experience such mental and emotional, not to mention physical, trauma as we enter the realm of romantic and sexual relationship?

Rihanna, I implore you... if you actually care about the well-being of your fans, please take a tougher look at what you choose to promote with your beats and your voice. You can do so much better, and we deserve it.


M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

EM Field Work Saved My Sex Life

Over the past several months I've gotten trained in a method of working within the human electromagnetic (EM) field. Not only has this provided results for my clients, but when I say that it has saved my sex life, I'm not even overstating the case. Check it out...

Over the past year, I had slowly lost my libido. As a relationship coach and sexuality educator, you can imagine some of the challenges this posed. Women would call me about their reduced sex drive, and I'd think, "Me too!" Was my fiance unattractive? No! Was I repulsed by sex? No. If he started things, I'd eventually warm up and have fun. I just didn't care to pursue sex, nor did I find men (or women) particularly desirable. This was NOT usual for me, and long before our wedding I was getting really scared.

It was also very frustrating for my fiance-now-husband. While we were convinced that it was a temporary situation, nothing we tried (going off birth control pills, taking various supplements, exercising more, etc.) made any appreciable difference. Thank God he's such a patient and loving man.

Since our wedding in September, my favorable response to his touch had diminished even further. Roughly ten days ago we hit a crisis when I burst into tears during sex. Not the good tears, the bad ones. Even a moment of physical pain - even strong discomfort - launched me into thoughts of, "My pain doesn't matter to you." "I just have to take it." "If I speak up there will be painful consequences." All of this encapsulated by a thick layer of deep fear and anxiety.

We began working on it together, laying in bed for 30-60 minutes at a time while he touched me gently on my arm, my wrist, my sternum, my abdomen. "How's this? What thoughts come up?" Again, abject anxiety and terror. "I have no choice," and much more. We discovered that my experience of physical arousal had become associated with physical pain, helplessness and fear. The one immediately led to thoughts of the other. I have never been forced to have sex without my consent, but I FELT like I was processing the results of sexual abuse! What the hell was going on?!

Upon discovering this collapse between arousal and fear, I called my coach, the life coach who introduced me to EM field work, and asked him to do an integration for me. He agreed and we met the next day, which was two nights ago.

The first step in any integration is declaring an intention and setting a goal, and he was extraordinary at helping me to discern additional aspects of what's been going on and distill it into a clear goal. Part of what showed up was a link between a non-sexual incident with my father when I was six and a rage incident with my husband at about the time that my desire began diminishing. I had never connected them before because their behaviors and the circumstances were so different, but MY emotional experience was identical: The man I loved the most had physically hurt me, out of the blue, I didn't know why, and I was being blamed for something. Seeing that connection, while amazing, did nothing to resolve the issue… but it helped us arrive at my intention of Courage and Forgiveness.

And then we did an integration. It was effortless – my job being to lay on the massage table, lock my deltoid when he asked me a question (muscle testing), and to keep my intention present – and it took all of 30 minutes. One of the things I love about this work is how gentle it is on the body and mind!

So I drove home. Immediately, I felt a freedom around my husband, something that had been in the way was gone. He noticed that I was much more affectionate, which he really appreciates. I can look him in the eyes for longer. I can kiss him without feeling the need to squirm away after a few seconds. Even spooning him in bed feels different, closer somehow.

The next day we challenged my body as we had before. "What if I touch you here? What's there for you?"

The results this time? NOTHING'S WRONG! A touch is just a touch again. It no longer means that sex is impending whether I want it or not, and that I should get scared. Sexual arousal is just arousal… and it's even enjoyable again! No fear, no terror, no anxiety. Even intercourse is more enjoyable! The nattering conversations and disempowering thoughts that had been filling my mind and clouding my perception are quiet now, and I am once again free to Experience.

Now, I may not yet be my lush, desirous, fully sexually expressed self again, but to be without the fear of pain and repercussion after twelve months of distress is HUGE. A damn miracle is what it is, and that it transformed in under two hours, nearly effortlessly, blows me away.

THAT is exactly why I now offer this work to my clients, my family, friends, STRANGERS! It is the most powerful tool I've come across to address a particular area of concern quickly, easily, gently, and with instant, clear (and sometimes miraculous) results. Check it out at my website.

What would YOU like to change or have be different in your life?



M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

Facebook is for Babies

So, are FetLife and Blackbox Republic the only adult social networking sites? They may very well be.

Given that My Erotic Adventure (my new choose-your-own styled erotica) has been published, I thought I'd create a small banner ad to be run on Facebook. Their targeting is great - I chose people between the ages of 18-60, any relationship status, any gender, who included in their profiles the following tags: choose your own adventure, choose your own adventure books, erotic, erotica, i love sex, kink, kinky, middle night sex, morning sex, sex, or sex sex sex more sex.

Seems pretty much like the ideal crowd for a choose-your-own erotic novel, eh?

Well, Facebook has denied my ad for "Adult content, including nudity, sexual terms and/or images of people in positions or activities that are excessively suggestive or sexual, or provocative images in violation of community standards."

So I can target people whose profiles exhibit an interest in "sex sex sex more sex," but not with adult content. Incongruous, much?

Where do the grown-ups play? And more to my point - when do we get to be grown-ups anyway? Are we so fragile that the mere mention of sex must be shoved down and hidden at every opportunity? God forbid an 18 year old young woman should read the word "threesome," her whole world might melt.

What I'm perceiving here is a huge disconnect between the world we actually LIVE in and the one in which we're supposed to pretend to exist. According to data from the CDC gathered in 1995, 70.4% of women whose periods had begun had engaged in penile-vaginal intercourse by the age of 19.

70.4% - 15 years ago! You've got to believe that this statistic has increased - particularly when you include other forms of sexual interaction.

That is the world we actually live in. The world that Facebook would like you to think we live in is one in which "adult content" must be shielded from the eyes of the public, even those of consenting age. I understand that they've got to draw the line somewhere, and they have the right to their policies.

But I'm talking about a conversation. About sex. Words... words that discuss a powerful aspect of what it means to be a human being. Where ignorance lives, danger lies, my friends. As long as we are not free to educate ourselves about our sexuality, and to share our knowledge freely with those who could benefit, we are not truly free.

PLEASE share this with as many people as you can. And share my book! This is the work of my life - creating a world where we can be free to have conversations... even about sex.

M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

Ultimate Fellatio Tip #4 - Rough It Up

Argh! Grrrrr!!

Imagine my black lab shaking her tug toy back and forth while I chant, "Kill it! Show it who's boss!"

Well, maybe we don't need to go that far, but did you know that some penises like it rough as well? Stroking and sucking is nice, and you don't usually want to try to bend an erect penis in half, but you also don't have to treat is like a rare Faberge egg.

Results will vary, and I recommend asking before you start down this path. Nonetheless, some like it rough. Here are four techniques for being less than gentle, only to be used with permission of the owner:

• Squeezing - They're kinda squishy, right? So squeeze them. Press his penis between your palms, or wrap your fingers around his dick, make a fist, and squeeze... tight. Then start stroking, or...

• Pulling - Grab hold and tug. Don't pull the balls and penis in opposite directions, as that can be painful and cause damage, but penises have some great flexibility, particularly when they're flaccid. She how long you can make it - it's like taffy!
  

• Smacking - Soft or hard, you can smack his penis against the palm of your hand, against his own abdomen, against your pussy... the options are nearly endless.

• Biting - Teeth are not always a turn-off! I suggest taking him fully into your mouth and biting at the base, then occasionally on your way back up. This is distinct from scraping your teeth - you should probably ask about that first as well - and you're not trying to bite him off. You can, however, also approach him from the side and nip or bite across the length of his penis.

It's not for everyone, but if he likes it rough, you'll know.


M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

Educational Sex Mannequins

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,531963,00.html

I am about to go out of town until next week, and I thought I'd offer this bit of educational entertainment before I disappear. This story came out last summer - an exhibit of naked manequins designed to educate people on erogenous zones and sexual technique (among other things), at least one of which lets you know when you get it right!

When can we get this exhibit locally?!

If you had a mannequin to teach you, what would you like to learn more about?

M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

Sex Addiction - Does it exist?

I received a wonderful inquiry in response to my recent newsletter. It follows:

----

"Do you really think that there is such a thing as sex addiction (in reference to the Tiger Woods piece)?

I don't. I think it is just something else drummed up by people looking to create clients for themselves. I am of the opinion that when a person has to ingest a substance such as drugs or alcohol in order to feel good, that can be properly defined as an addiction, because a foreign substance has to be ingested to bring on an altered state.

However, we were all born with the built in mechanism to experience sexual pleasure and orgasm. We can access it any time we want and we do not even have to have a partner to have an orgasm. So it is my opinion that activating the sexual pleasure mechanisms within ourselves is a natural ability we were born with, and this is a natural function of our own body, not an addiction.

It is my observation that people who are not comfortable with their own sexuality and their own sexual pleasure take the point of view that people who enjoy their sexuality frequently and without guilt have something wrong with them.

Are you of the opinion that there is such a thing as sex addiction?"

----

Excellent question. I don't believe in sex addiction in the way it is discussed in common society, but I define addiction differently than the inquirer.

I do believe that if someone pursues sex or is consumed by thoughts of sex to the detriment of his/her functional life - ex: blowing off healthy social relationships and/or business meetings, emptying one's financial resources, etc. - that they probably suffer an addiction. There are people who are sex addicts (find your local meeting of SAA), just as there are people addicted to gambling (also a behavior instead of a chemical), but my understanding is that true sex addiction is relatively rare.

Tiger Woods, for example, does not outwardly appear to be an addict. He appears to have maintained a successful professional life, and a successful personal life until this became public. However...

Does sex fill his every waking thought? Does he barely overcome that uncomfortable condition in order to main the semblance of normalcy? Is it a compulsion such that when he's travelling he must have a woman in his bed every single night? Those are some of the things that would lead me to think "addiction."

Now, the way that society uses the term "sex addict" to refer to anyone who enjoys a lot of sex and allows themselves to have it - that is inaccurate, IMHO.

----

What are your thoughts on sex addiction?

Where do you draw the line between addiction and a healthy, if non-traditional, sex drive?

M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

Anal Sex for the First Time - Part 2

In Part 1 of this series we discussed conversations, expectations, and physical preparation in advance of the event. As promised, and with the disclaimer that these are simply my suggestions, and that I suggest that you read some additional articles and/or books on the topic, here are some suggestions for how to engage in anal sex for the first time.

• Warming up the ass

Many first-timers are very sensitive about their assholes. We've been culturally and societally conditioned that anal contact is dirty, nasty, bad and wrong. But do you know how many nerve endings are back there?!

To acclimate a sensitive partner to anal contact, begin with licking on and around the receiving partner's anus. If he/she has observed the hygiene guidelines from Part 1, it won't taste bad. After licking and penetrating with your tongue, you can move to fingers on the outside of the anus. Apply a gentle pressure and lightly rub the area.

• Lube, lube, lube…

As soon as you're ready to penetrate with fingers, add some lube. Spit is okay, but an actual lube is much better. I recommend staying away from lubes like Anal-Ese or Anal-Eze, anything with a numbing agent in it. Sure, it sounds like a helpful idea, but I'd rather feel what's going on with my body than be numbed and hurt myself.

NOTE - Do NOT touch the actual opening of your bottle of lube with the fingers you've had in someone's ass unless you will only use that lube in that person's ass from here out. Otherwise you risk contaminating the contents, or so I've been told. Just hold the outside of the bottle and drip it onto your fingers, or use a pump bottle. And wipe the bottle down afterward, please.

Anal lubes are generally thicker than vaginal lubes, and while Astroglide Gel has been recommended, I find that it gets sticky too quickly. You might try the Astroglide Glycerin. Personally, I like Pjur. It's my favorite everything lube. Pjur also makes AnalyseMe! and Back Door, for women and men respectively, but I haven't tried them. (I've ordered them though out of my commitment to provide the very best possible information for you... tee hee.)

It's also important to 'push' lube into your partner's ass instead of only slathering it on yourself or your strap-on. That said, holy crap, look what I found! Despite my feelings about Astroglide Gel, that's too cool. Using another product though, just continually add lube as you do the following...

• Graduated stages

Start with a pinkie finger slowly inserted and pull to the sides of the anus, stretching the sensitive flesh. In, stretch, out, in, stretch, out. Soon you can move to an index finger, in, stretch, out, in, stretch, out. You may be able to try two fingers at the same time, it depends on your partner's comfort level. Toys, such as butt plugs, are also great tools for slowly loosening up your partner. And a little extra vibration can be nice too, so consider the battery operated versions. For men, there's prostate massage. But I'll write a full blog post on that another time…

• Ready for the show?

Lube up and go slowly! In and hold. In further and hold. Give your partner time to adjust before pulling out again - the combination of width and friction can be overwhelming. Again, take it slowly to start, and be sensitive to the receiver's response. One trick you can use is that if she/he is very sensitive, to the point of pain, you can try adding additional stimulation by pinching the nipples or using a vibrator on her clit. But again, another post in the future…

It may be a little messy when you pull out, though not too much. Get over it.

• Reminder - You don't have to do it all in one night!

The first attempt may be simply that... an attempt, a fact-finding mission. You may only get as far as fingers in this session, and that needs to be okay with you. Adding the extra emotional pressure of your disappointment in the receiver's abilities will often ensure that he/she feels that disappointment before the next session even begins. It's a system for decreasing returns. Take on that however far you get is GREAT! And then take steps to encourage additional results in the future, like training, lube, or additional communication.

With planning, patience, and sensitivity, anal sex can be a wonderful experience for everyone involved!

M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

Anal Sex for the First Time - Part 1

I recently had a client who was considering trying anal sex for the first time. During the course of our discussions, I realized that I had a lot to say about it, so here we go...

This first blog will cover pre-sex preparation and negotiations. Part 2 will discuss the physicality of the act itself.

First, for the penetrators - you can't just slap on some lube and ram it in there and expect a good result with an anal virgin. That's a fairly sure way to guarantee that you never get to go there with that partner again. (Unless she/he is a masochist!) Taking some thoughtful steps in advance will set you both up for a successful and satisfying experience.

• Proper Hygiene

It's the rare person who's attracted to an ass that smells like… ass. Proper hygiene will ease the emotional tension when engaging in ass play for the first time.

Obviously, wash thoroughly. You might even use a warm water enema several hours in advance of intended play. You can by an enema or douche set-up at any good pharmacy - a bag that hangs from your shower head with a hose and nozzle.

Use warm water, hot enough but not scalding, and fill the bag. It's not necessary in most situations to add anything to the water. Insert the nozzle (they're smooth, it won't harm you), and release the clamp on the hose a little bit. You'll see the bag deflating, and you'll feel the water filling you up. If you get a cramp, stop the flow. If you've never had an enema before, don't try to flood a whole bad of water into your butt in one go. This is not a race, and you don't have to use the whole bag full! Listen to your body and err on the side of caution.

Once you've finished filling yourself up, remove and wash the nozzle, let the bag drain, and get out of the shower. Try to keep the water in for as long as you can. You'll feel the urge to defecate, that internal pressure that says you've gotta go Now. Try to keep it in for as long as you can, which allows the warm water to soften any backed up stool, but when you can't take it any more, expel it into the toilet. Flush a couple of times during this process. It could take 10+ minutes - have a book on hand.

Again, do this several hours in advance! Periodic leakage after an enema is common as the water works it's way fully back out.

For the penetrating partner, I suggest and request that you trim and file your nails and moisturize your hands, or get a manicure. There's nothing like a scratchy fingernail and rough skin rasping one's sensitive anal tissues - yikes.

When playing with women, there must be NO direct anal to vaginal penetration! Either use a condom in the ass and strip it off before entering her vaginally, or (even better) give yourself a thorough wash before moving to the vagina. The bacteria from the anal channel can cause one hell of a vaginal infection, or a bladder infection, and neither one is particularly fun.

• What are your intentions?

One sure way to ruin an otherwise successful session is to jump into it without setting a common intention in advance. If partner A thinks this is just an opportunity to "test the waters" while partner B thinks this is a full-on, mind-blowing, ass-fucking session… well, you can see the potential for disappointment, blame, upset, frustration, etc.

Discuss in advance what you'd each like to see happen during this session. In general, I recommend agreeing to the desires of the least adventurous party, and letting things stop there for the time being. He or she can always renegotiate to go further when that boundary is reached.

I also recommend that either partner be able to call a full-stop at any time. Of course, I always think this is advisable, but in this case it's particularly important to speak it aloud.

• To orgasm or not to orgasm…

As part of the negotiations, I recommend discussing whether or not it's important that one or both parties achieve orgasm. It may be fine that you simply have a great experience without orgasm, or it may be important to one or both that someone cums. Does it have to happen during penetration? Can you add some toys to the mix? Be open to detaching the need for orgasm from the anal sex itself for this event - consider causing an orgasm through another method if there's pain or fear and anxiety present. You decide what works for both of you.

• Anal Training - The Butt-Plug is Your Friend

Wearing a butt plug will help to tone your anal muscles and condition your anal sphincters (yes, there are two) to loosen up more quickly and allow for easier penetration. There are some small starters out there, and some intermediate sizes. You'll notice that they have rectangular bases. That's so you can walk while you wear them - the narrow length fits between your butt cheeks, while the length of the longer side helps guarantee that nothing's going to "slip inside" unexpectedly. (That's why I recommend using a real butt plug instead of something scavenged from the household.)

Here's one that's inflatable and made specifically for training, and here's one that has a vibrator inside! Wearing for an hour or three at a time, daily or every other day, will help make the session easier. Don't try to wear it overnight to start with, but you might wear it during non-anal sex, which adds some fun stimulation for both parties!

Again, Part 2 of this blog will give some how-to suggestions for the sex itself.

Recommended Reading:

The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women, Tristan Taormino

The Anal Sex Position Guide: The Best Positions for Easy, Exciting, Mind-Blowing Pleasure, Tristan Taormino

M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

Ultimate Fellatio Tip #3 - The Rotating Twist

Today we'll discuss a move I call The Rotating Twist. It belongs to the fabulous part of a blow job called The Hand Job, which is an art in it's own right. Nonetheless, I find that some good hand skills can make a blow job even better, so here we go...

This is a fairly simple trick that can be done with one or two hands, whatever the size of your partner's shaft will allow. If working with one hand, wrap your fist around the base of your lover's erect penis. Rotate your fist either clockwise or counterclockwise (whatever feels right) as you slide your fist up toward the head of the penis, and then reverse direction as you slide back down. Rotate and up, reverse rotate and down, repeat, repeat, repeat. Simple!

If working with two hand widths of male material you get to bring in the twisting action by rotating your hands in opposite directions as you raise and lower them. For example, right hand rotates clockwise and left rotates counter clockwise as you slide from the base to the head of his shaft, reverse rotate as you slide down and repeat.

It's like wringing water from a wet towel, so perhaps I should call this The Rotating Wring, but that's just not as catchy.

Add your lips and tongue to the head of his dick while your hands work their magic, et voila!

Try it out and post your reviews on my blog!


M. Makael Newby, 2009 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

Sexual Guidance (Follow-up to U.F. Inquiry #1, Part 2)

Delivering sexual guidance - there's a pitfall of potential landmines. But in the truest sense of the cliche: nothing risked = nothing gained.

It takes extraordinary courage sometimes to say or ask the potentially hurtful thing out of a commitment to a healthy sexual relationship, but that is what's required of us. Here are four suggestions for delivering sexual guidance gently.

• Wait until the deed is done. For major conversations, like "Could you kiss me this way instead?" bringing it up during a romantic session will kill the mood. Take it from one who made that mistake - requests made during the heat of passion can be heard as criticism, and ultimately as rejection. Raise your hand if you want your lover to feel that you've rejected them? I thought not. Make a note in your mind to bring it up at a later time, when passions have cooled and major requests will be more welcome, and when you can have a conversation about it instead of an emotional knee-jerk response.

• The way you just... Communicate criticism of what you don't like through acknowledgment of what you do like. For example, you might try, "OMG that felt great, do that again the way you just..." and describe what you want, whether he/she did it exactly that way or not. Now - be reasonable - you can't use that to tell him how to pinch your nipples while he's fully engaged in eating you out! In general, however, preceding any sort of suggestion/request with a compliment is a good practice. "That feels so good baby, just a little bit lighter?"

• Role play teacher and student - I'm a big fan of games. Making something into a game takes the seriousness and significance out of it, and when it comes to role-playing, it provides a layer of separation between You and Me and what our characters do and say and feel. Perhaps I have a lot of experience and feel that I should know how to please you, but if my character is a student, suddenly there's room to ask and make mistakes and take direction. I'm starting to believe that this is a game each new couple should play at least twice!

• Play teen age virgins - A variation on Teacher/Student, playing virgins levels the field. Neither one of us knows anything about anything, and we can fumble, and grope, and learn from each other without any superiority/inferiority dynamic in the realm of sexual know-how. Hell, if you want to get authentic, do it in the back of your car!

M. Makael Newby, 2009 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

Ultimate Fellatio Inquiry #1 - Learning, Part 2

Part 2 - Sexual Learning and Societal Expectation

Why are we not taught about how to have sex? The techniques, the down and dirty actions to take, the ways of pleasing and pleasuring each other? It such a major aspect of our lives and our mental/emotional health - where have the sexual mentors gone?

Society has driven us to the internet.

We come of age and are suddenly expected to know what we're doing, who to be, how to be, and what to do - as if knowing the location and function of ovaries and testicles, and the phases of gestation are preparation enough.

And if I'm supposed to know what I'm doing, that means that you're supposed to know what you're doing as well - and that leaves no room for asking how to please you or directing you in how to please me. I don't want to offend you by implying that you aren't doing it right, and I can't ask for direction for fear of looking bad in your eyes. (In Inquiry #2 we'll discuss the Virgin/Whore concept.)

And so we turn to the internet - to blogs and website, to videos and tutorials, to people who will TELL US how to do what we want to do. And yet, again, there is a big difference between theory and practice.

It takes extraordinary courage sometimes to say or ask the potentially hurtful thing out of a commitment to a healthy sexual relationship, but that is what's required of us. In the next blog post we'll discuss a few suggestions for delivering sexual guidance gently.


M. Makael Newby, 2009 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

Ultimate Fellatio Tip #1 - Anticipation

This is the first of a series of posts discussing tips & tricks from my Ultimate Fellatio workshop. Enjoy!

When does a blow job begin? When his dick is in your mouth? When you unzip his pants? How about the moment that you decide to blow him?

Anticipation can be used to enhance the entire experience. Our brains are our most developed sex organs, right? Let's use them. Here are four methods for creating anticipation with your partner.

• The Verbal Tease - Call him at work and tell him what you'd like to do tonight. Send him off with a "note in his lunchbox." Deliver naughty thoughts by text message before your date. If you're feeling really impish, tell him how wet you are just imagining... allow yourself to get graphic. Anyway you work it, your blow job can begin hours before flesh meets flesh. And besides, he's likely to have a very special day with something specific to look forward to!

• Bringing the Heat - Take that sigh of relief and turn it into the hot breath of promise. While he's still clothed - belt buckled, pants zipped - caress your way from shoulders to hips. Place your wide-open mouth over his crotch, right up against his pants, and exhale fully, following the bulge of his hidden assets. He will see your head in his lap, feel the moist warmth of your breath, and imagine what's to come.

• Look Ma! No Hands! - Challenge yourself to remove his belt, pants, and underwear (unless hes going commando) with only your lips, tongue and teeth. It draws out the foreplay, and lets him watch you struggle in your desire to please him. If you're really into the power dynamic, he can hold your wrists while you work. If he gets impatient, rip his clothes off!
  

• Everything But... - Before you remove his underwear, run the tip of your tongue along and just underneath the waistband. Run your hands up his legs and under his boxers or briefs caressing his hips, legs, thighs, ass and abdomen, but always stopping short of touching his balls or penis. The more you avoid touching his cock, the more he'll want it, and when you finally DO it will be worth the wait.
  

Use these techniques and you will truly blow his mind!


M. Makael Newby, 2009 - All Rights Reserved

Swinger vs. Polyamorist mentality: An experiential distinction

I am not poly. For those who don't know, polyamory has occasionally been defined as having more than one significant romantic/emotional relationship at one time - for example: This is my husband, and that's my boyfriend. Let me restate, I am not poly. I thought I was mostly sure, but the recent break-up with my honey of 19 months had given me multiple opportunities to become certain of that fact.

Why? Because we are swingers. Swinging, again for those out of the know, is sharing your partners sexually, and to various emotional degrees, with other couples and singles. Yes, this can lead to groups, so bring on the orgy, eh? Sounds fun, but I've never been able to go there. But that's another post for another day.

R and I broke up almost 2 months ago. He's moving out this upcoming weekend. And while I know that my life will be easier when he's gone from my sight and my bed, there's a part of me that wishes he could stay. THIS is the part that knows I'm not poly.

We have both been playing with (read: having sex with) other partners since the breakup, and we've both gotten what we need out of the experience - he's back solidly into the SM scene (in ways I could never be, squick!), and I've had lots of great sex with (surprisingly) dominant men who've easily called forth my submissive response (which just never worked with R). I'm thrilled for both of us, as this has actually made it possible for us to rescue and strengthen our friendship, which was really important to me. It's the sleeping that's a challenge.

There's sleeping with someone and SLEEPing with them, I've found. I've no problems with my partner sleeping with another person - sex is just sex, fun for all, just be safe please and bring that happiness back home to me! But when he leaves my bed after fabulous afternoon sex, goes out for a while, then calls to say that he's not coming home tonight, he's going to stay at her place, something in me twinges. We're not a "couple", I have no reason to feel that way logically, I know, but a part of me says that this is still his bed and here, next to me, is where he should sleep. Damn, that's uncomfortable!

How do I know this makes me Not Poly? Because there is an intimacy to sleep that I am unwilling to share - a vulnerability that is not required during sex. As strange as it may seem, I want that to be Mine. And that is simply not the way poly relationships work.

So now he makes sure to let me know when he'll be out all night rather than just staying out. If I expect him back, I don't sleep, laying awake waiting to hear the door open. It's part of why we love these lifestyles - things come up emotionally that you didn't expect, or "have no right to feel", yet there they are, and you have to deal with them. It may not always be comfortable, but the lessons learned are invaluable. Yay, growth and development.

So it is certain - I am not poly. I AM submissive. I am not a masochist, nor am I a bottom. I AM a swinger. But I am not poly. And this is good to know.

M. Makael Newby, 2007 - All Rights Reserved.