Success is often judged by comparing what was real to what was possible. Give that up and you've got an opportunity to have learned something!
At the notice of a divorce or break-up, it's common to hear that someone's relationship has failed. It certainly feels true enough... My marriage ended, and I'm sad, and disappointed. So I ask myself, "Did my marriage fail?" Somehow, the answer I keep returning to is, No. Here's why...
At the core of this feeling of failure is my expectation for how I thought my relationship would progress. I thought that my marriage would last "forever." I wouldn't have gotten married if I'd thought otherwise! My intention to create a mutually loving and satisfying relationship has been thwarted. In comparison to what I believed was possible for my marriage, this divorce is a failure.
But is an empowering life built on comparison?
When I remove the comparison of what was real to what was dreamt and imagined, I am left with only the facts of what WAS. The facts are that (despite our best intentions and significant efforts) neither of us was able to be whom the other needed us to be; we both behaved in ways that weren't productive; and the end result of our day to day interaction was largely stressful, painful, and destructive.
Those are the facts, and that is a relationship that I am happier and healthier for being without.
From that place of clarity, I can get curious about the lessons available to me out of the experience of my marriage. One of these lessons is that I am NOT reliable to know whether or not my significant, intimate relationships have the possibility of longevity! I always think they're going to last forever! I almost always believe that we will surmount any challenge... until we don't. I am a true believer in the power of love and partnership, and a hard-working optimist at heart. I love that about me, and I get to be responsible for the consequences... like a lack of healthy cynicism. Sigh!
Sad and disappointed vs. happy, healthy and curious. Where would you rather dwell?
Now, I'm not saying that my sadness is invalid. By all means, my sadness is real, and I will allow myself the time and space to mourn the loss of what we had envisioned together. But, through my tears, I know that I'm mourning something imagined. The experiences that had us fall in love and commit ourselves to a marriage were real, and they still exist in my memory, and in my heart. They have not been lost.
And that, in itself, is a blessing. I would not give those memories back... We loved, and laughed, and wondered at the world, relished our surroundings and each other's company, and experienced both joy and magic. How could I declare that a failure?
M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved - http://www.mmakaelnewby.com
Showing posts with label divorce. Show all posts
Showing posts with label divorce. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Lessons From My Divorce, Part 1
It's alright, I understand. Go ahead and say it... "A relationship coach who's getting a divorce? Isn't that a contradiction?"
The answer is no. It's always easier to see what's going on in someone else's relationship than in our own - our eyes do point outward, after all - and a coach has no personal investment or attachment to the details of your life. But I sure do have emotional attachments to my own life, which clutters up the view screen and then some! The best we can do is respond as authentically and responsibly as possible when new information comes to light. This may be a sudden occurrence or realization, or something that has been building for months or years. We do the best we can with the data we have in each moment.
Well, I have new data to share!
My relationship with my husband, Q, has always had some challenges. Being people who do not subscribe to the "one partner should meet ALL of my needs" point of view, we made every effort to outsource the needs that weren't getting met by our partnership. The surprising truth is that our adventures in polyamory - engaging in multiple sexual and romantic engagements - had nothing to do with the breakdown of our marriage! In fact, it allowed us to stay together longer by allowing us to Choose the key issues in our relationship. Of our top issues, communication was in a race for the lead.
If you've read past newsletter or blogs, you know that we've struggled with very different styles of communication. I process out loud, Q thinks before he speaks. My processing drives him mad, his method has felt like an unbearable restriction to me. He's come from a win/lose paradigm, while I've been trained to seek the win/win. He told me how he needed me to speak to him, and how to listen to him, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't seem to master it. Does anyone else relate to this?
If I believed in luck, I'd say that I was lucky to have the opportunity to put myself into a course called Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women only three weeks after we decided to divorce. This course is only for women, and I knew that this work was about empowering men and women in their relationships with one another. So I settled into my seat hopeful about what I'd get, and certain that MY soon-to-be-ex was a strange enough bird that most of their concepts wouldn't apply to him. What I learned blew me away.
Q is a man. Now, of course, I already knew this, right? I was not a virgin bride, and yes, clearly, he's a man. But what I mean is that he's also NOT a woman in that Men do not speak, hear, act, process their thoughts and feelings, prioritize or receive stimuli like Women. The physiological differences are apparent, but the sociological, mental and emotional ones are less so, and I was surprised to discover that my ideas of what a man was bore a striking resemblance to how I know myself to be, as a woman. I mean - we're all People, right? Well, yes, but also no...
I was further shocked to learn that I had been engaging in all kinds of emasculating and undermining thoughts and actions with Q. I thought I was being helpful by offering to help him keep his word, meet his deadlines, remember the details he needed to manage, and generally act in the world like the person I thought he'd said he wanted to become, etc. But I was often busy being "the better man" in our relationship. Have you ever heard yourself say, "I need a wife?" Yep, that's something to look at. And sure enough, everything they told me about how to communicate with a man was how Q had asked me to communicate with him.
Now - I did NOT want to admit that he was right about ANYthing, so to see clearly how I had contributed to the anger, frustration and tension between us really pissed me off! But there it was - undeniable. When one can appreciate the natural design of Men, the possibility of allowing oneself to be a Woman arises, as well as the dance of partnership that can result. Embracing that possibility was much more appealing than being Right.
So I apologized to Q, and acknowledged my mistakes. I also started practicing speaking to him in the way that they taught me, and I'll tell you this... It is the only way that he can hear me clearly. I do it my way and I get annoyance, anger, and blame. I do it their way and I get understanding, patience, and agreement. Forgive my language, but HOLY SHIT! You cannot imagine my surprise, quickly followed by my own piss off that I've taken over 700 hours of personal development work and never yet been taught this information. Grrrrr...
Accordingly, I'm taking ALL of the PAX (Latin for 'peace') coursework, or which CMSW is a part, and will continue to share with you as I learn more about how to create exceptional relationships that allow men to be Men and women to be Women. NOTE: These lessons may not fit every man and woman 100%. I've discovered that Q needs this kind of communication style at a level that I'm not willing to master. I am WAY too high energy for him, and I bring too much intensity to my interactions. It fries his receivers. To moderate myself down to the level that would work for him on a daily basis would feel crippling to me, and it's not something I'm willing to take on any longer. I tried, I failed, and it's not my path. However, I now have a tool that works when it's really important that he be able to hear me, and that's priceless. I also have a new understanding of who I can be in a relationship, and THAT is inspiring!
To learn more about Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women, visit www.understandmen.com. There's also a course for woman and men entitled Understanding Women! I always thought there was something wrong with me that I was so exhausted after spending a full day at the office focusing on one task at a time, or that my mind wanders occasionally when I'm with my partner, even during sex. Am I broken? No, I'm a Woman! You have no idea how different we can be, and when you can appreciate the natural design of a Woman, more peace becomes available.
I am so enthusiastic about the PAX coursework that I'm considering studying to teach their workshops. I really want to expand the sphere of influence that this work has. If I had taken this course before we married, things would have gone VERY differently. Accordingly, if YOU decide to take one of their classes or purchase one of their CDs, books, etc., please provide my affiliate number, which is 554149.
Lastly, I want to apologize to all of my gender-queer peeps. This post has largely been based on traditional Man/Woman stereotypes. Would this support you in your relationships? I don't know, and I'm going to have this conversation with other participants and keep listening for the difference it might make for you.
Lessons From My Divorce, Part 2 will discuss the importance of holding and honoring one's boundaries.
M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com
The answer is no. It's always easier to see what's going on in someone else's relationship than in our own - our eyes do point outward, after all - and a coach has no personal investment or attachment to the details of your life. But I sure do have emotional attachments to my own life, which clutters up the view screen and then some! The best we can do is respond as authentically and responsibly as possible when new information comes to light. This may be a sudden occurrence or realization, or something that has been building for months or years. We do the best we can with the data we have in each moment.
Well, I have new data to share!
My relationship with my husband, Q, has always had some challenges. Being people who do not subscribe to the "one partner should meet ALL of my needs" point of view, we made every effort to outsource the needs that weren't getting met by our partnership. The surprising truth is that our adventures in polyamory - engaging in multiple sexual and romantic engagements - had nothing to do with the breakdown of our marriage! In fact, it allowed us to stay together longer by allowing us to Choose the key issues in our relationship. Of our top issues, communication was in a race for the lead.
If you've read past newsletter or blogs, you know that we've struggled with very different styles of communication. I process out loud, Q thinks before he speaks. My processing drives him mad, his method has felt like an unbearable restriction to me. He's come from a win/lose paradigm, while I've been trained to seek the win/win. He told me how he needed me to speak to him, and how to listen to him, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't seem to master it. Does anyone else relate to this?
If I believed in luck, I'd say that I was lucky to have the opportunity to put myself into a course called Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women only three weeks after we decided to divorce. This course is only for women, and I knew that this work was about empowering men and women in their relationships with one another. So I settled into my seat hopeful about what I'd get, and certain that MY soon-to-be-ex was a strange enough bird that most of their concepts wouldn't apply to him. What I learned blew me away.
Q is a man. Now, of course, I already knew this, right? I was not a virgin bride, and yes, clearly, he's a man. But what I mean is that he's also NOT a woman in that Men do not speak, hear, act, process their thoughts and feelings, prioritize or receive stimuli like Women. The physiological differences are apparent, but the sociological, mental and emotional ones are less so, and I was surprised to discover that my ideas of what a man was bore a striking resemblance to how I know myself to be, as a woman. I mean - we're all People, right? Well, yes, but also no...
I was further shocked to learn that I had been engaging in all kinds of emasculating and undermining thoughts and actions with Q. I thought I was being helpful by offering to help him keep his word, meet his deadlines, remember the details he needed to manage, and generally act in the world like the person I thought he'd said he wanted to become, etc. But I was often busy being "the better man" in our relationship. Have you ever heard yourself say, "I need a wife?" Yep, that's something to look at. And sure enough, everything they told me about how to communicate with a man was how Q had asked me to communicate with him.
Now - I did NOT want to admit that he was right about ANYthing, so to see clearly how I had contributed to the anger, frustration and tension between us really pissed me off! But there it was - undeniable. When one can appreciate the natural design of Men, the possibility of allowing oneself to be a Woman arises, as well as the dance of partnership that can result. Embracing that possibility was much more appealing than being Right.
So I apologized to Q, and acknowledged my mistakes. I also started practicing speaking to him in the way that they taught me, and I'll tell you this... It is the only way that he can hear me clearly. I do it my way and I get annoyance, anger, and blame. I do it their way and I get understanding, patience, and agreement. Forgive my language, but HOLY SHIT! You cannot imagine my surprise, quickly followed by my own piss off that I've taken over 700 hours of personal development work and never yet been taught this information. Grrrrr...
Accordingly, I'm taking ALL of the PAX (Latin for 'peace') coursework, or which CMSW is a part, and will continue to share with you as I learn more about how to create exceptional relationships that allow men to be Men and women to be Women. NOTE: These lessons may not fit every man and woman 100%. I've discovered that Q needs this kind of communication style at a level that I'm not willing to master. I am WAY too high energy for him, and I bring too much intensity to my interactions. It fries his receivers. To moderate myself down to the level that would work for him on a daily basis would feel crippling to me, and it's not something I'm willing to take on any longer. I tried, I failed, and it's not my path. However, I now have a tool that works when it's really important that he be able to hear me, and that's priceless. I also have a new understanding of who I can be in a relationship, and THAT is inspiring!
To learn more about Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women, visit www.understandmen.com. There's also a course for woman and men entitled Understanding Women! I always thought there was something wrong with me that I was so exhausted after spending a full day at the office focusing on one task at a time, or that my mind wanders occasionally when I'm with my partner, even during sex. Am I broken? No, I'm a Woman! You have no idea how different we can be, and when you can appreciate the natural design of a Woman, more peace becomes available.
I am so enthusiastic about the PAX coursework that I'm considering studying to teach their workshops. I really want to expand the sphere of influence that this work has. If I had taken this course before we married, things would have gone VERY differently. Accordingly, if YOU decide to take one of their classes or purchase one of their CDs, books, etc., please provide my affiliate number, which is 554149.
Lastly, I want to apologize to all of my gender-queer peeps. This post has largely been based on traditional Man/Woman stereotypes. Would this support you in your relationships? I don't know, and I'm going to have this conversation with other participants and keep listening for the difference it might make for you.
Lessons From My Divorce, Part 2 will discuss the importance of holding and honoring one's boundaries.
M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
A New Alternative to a Bitter Divorce or an Unfulfilling Partnership
Pursuant to my blog on collaborative divorce, I thought it important to let you know that I've recently announced the launch of my signature 7-Step Coaching System that teaches couples who are facing challenges to make loving, empowered decisions to either revitalize their bond or to end it respectfully. Working together, committed partners will learn how to get honest, step forward, take risks, and make empowered, authentic decisions to create the powerful and passionate union of their dreams – whether together or apart.
While I still offer ongoing coaching sessions for both couples and individuals' specific desires, the Marital Arts 7-Step System is the culmination of years of study and experience in the realms of interpersonal communication, relationship navigation, and sexual expression, and grows directly out of my mission that all people live the intimate relationships that inspire them.
Beginning with a 2-hour Comprehensive Assessment that supports the couple in clearly identifying their challenges, taking ground in addressing them, and creating a vision of their desired outcome, I will then custom-craft a process designed to deliver the modules that best meet the couple's needs.
The Seven Marital Arts Modules include:
1) Communication Skills: Listening, Speaking & Interpretation
2) The Dark Sides: Shame, Jealousy, Guilt, Anger & Fear
3) Core Values, Expectations & the Morality Conundrum
4) Partnership, Roles & Love Languages
5) Sex, Love, Intimacy & Sexuality
6) Relationship Purpose & Mission Statement
7) Negotiation & Agreements
Outcomes from the Marital Arts program include:
· Designing and achieving a life that aligns with your most heart-felt priorities.
· Enhanced compassion and forgiveness for yourselves and your partners – both past and present.
· Effective, loving, and genuine communication tools for decision-making, negotiating and conflict resolution.
· Reinvigorated lives with greater joy, passion, love and connection.
· A new enthusiasm and anticipation about the future.
For a limited time, you are invited to engage in a COMPLIMENTARY CONSULTATION to explore where you’re at in terms of relationship and intimacy, what may or may not be working, and what you truly desire to create for yourself. Know what’s possible, and see the simple steps that will take you there! (And there are no strings attached!) You and your partner(s) can also take my FREE Relationship Assessment Quiz at MMakaelNewby.com. Whether partnered or single, just click on the offer!
Lastly, it’s your referrals that allow me to get to do what I love. Please share this offer with those you know whom my services may benefit. I truly need your help to create a world of empowered, inspiring relationships! Thank you!
I can be reached at makael@mmakaelnewby.com, 540.623.9542 and toll-free at 1.866.928-7856. My workshops, videos and newsletter are all visible at MMakaelNewby.com.
“Makael is very attentive to stated goals and skilled at maintaining focus in the discussion. She offers practical advice that when followed brings the desired results. I have benefited from her experience and grown as a person because of her dedication to her clients.”
- Frank Albert, Evergreen
“I really appreciate the coaching you gave me a few months ago... I've been openly poly for about six months and am experiencing more love and intimacy (not just sex) than ever.... thank you!”
- Chad, Denver
“He knew I’d been on the phone, and I offered that you were doing coaching with me around my sexuality. He asked if there was anything I'd like to share, so we talked! Yay! It was so much easier than I thought it would be. Thank you!”
- Sherry, Peoria
“I really found value in your Relationship Tip of the Month: Responsibility (= Power). We’ve also been going through a tough time and your article really hit home for me. I found it honest and empowering. Thanks for sharing your life's experiences!”
- Chris, Cleveland
“Your Tip of the Month: Purpose made my first marriage make sense and took away my fear for another relationship that could be as intense. It was so healing for me! Thank you for your newsletter!”
- Chetna, Washington DC
--
M. Makael Newby
Relationship Coach, Author, Presenter, Sexuality Consultant
Ph. 540.623.9542 or Toll Free 1.866.928.7856
Helping open-minded and inquiring people create fulfilling, lasting and juicy relationships in all areas of their lives, particularly their sex lives.
Offering a 7-Step Coaching System that helps couples facing challenges who want to make loving, empowered decisions to revitalize their bond or to end it respectfully.
The Website - www.mmakaelnewby.com
The Blog - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com
The Book - www.myeroticadventure.com
Portland Meet-up - www.meetup.com/RelationshipChoice
Twitter @msmakael
M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com
While I still offer ongoing coaching sessions for both couples and individuals' specific desires, the Marital Arts 7-Step System is the culmination of years of study and experience in the realms of interpersonal communication, relationship navigation, and sexual expression, and grows directly out of my mission that all people live the intimate relationships that inspire them.
Beginning with a 2-hour Comprehensive Assessment that supports the couple in clearly identifying their challenges, taking ground in addressing them, and creating a vision of their desired outcome, I will then custom-craft a process designed to deliver the modules that best meet the couple's needs.
The Seven Marital Arts Modules include:
1) Communication Skills: Listening, Speaking & Interpretation
2) The Dark Sides: Shame, Jealousy, Guilt, Anger & Fear
3) Core Values, Expectations & the Morality Conundrum
4) Partnership, Roles & Love Languages
5) Sex, Love, Intimacy & Sexuality
6) Relationship Purpose & Mission Statement
7) Negotiation & Agreements
Outcomes from the Marital Arts program include:
· Designing and achieving a life that aligns with your most heart-felt priorities.
· Enhanced compassion and forgiveness for yourselves and your partners – both past and present.
· Effective, loving, and genuine communication tools for decision-making, negotiating and conflict resolution.
· Reinvigorated lives with greater joy, passion, love and connection.
· A new enthusiasm and anticipation about the future.
For a limited time, you are invited to engage in a COMPLIMENTARY CONSULTATION to explore where you’re at in terms of relationship and intimacy, what may or may not be working, and what you truly desire to create for yourself. Know what’s possible, and see the simple steps that will take you there! (And there are no strings attached!) You and your partner(s) can also take my FREE Relationship Assessment Quiz at MMakaelNewby.com. Whether partnered or single, just click on the offer!
Lastly, it’s your referrals that allow me to get to do what I love. Please share this offer with those you know whom my services may benefit. I truly need your help to create a world of empowered, inspiring relationships! Thank you!
I can be reached at makael@mmakaelnewby.com, 540.623.9542 and toll-free at 1.866.928-7856. My workshops, videos and newsletter are all visible at MMakaelNewby.com.
“Makael is very attentive to stated goals and skilled at maintaining focus in the discussion. She offers practical advice that when followed brings the desired results. I have benefited from her experience and grown as a person because of her dedication to her clients.”
- Frank Albert, Evergreen
“I really appreciate the coaching you gave me a few months ago... I've been openly poly for about six months and am experiencing more love and intimacy (not just sex) than ever.... thank you!”
- Chad, Denver
“He knew I’d been on the phone, and I offered that you were doing coaching with me around my sexuality. He asked if there was anything I'd like to share, so we talked! Yay! It was so much easier than I thought it would be. Thank you!”
- Sherry, Peoria
“I really found value in your Relationship Tip of the Month: Responsibility (= Power). We’ve also been going through a tough time and your article really hit home for me. I found it honest and empowering. Thanks for sharing your life's experiences!”
- Chris, Cleveland
“Your Tip of the Month: Purpose made my first marriage make sense and took away my fear for another relationship that could be as intense. It was so healing for me! Thank you for your newsletter!”
- Chetna, Washington DC
--
M. Makael Newby
Relationship Coach, Author, Presenter, Sexuality Consultant
Ph. 540.623.9542 or Toll Free 1.866.928.7856
Helping open-minded and inquiring people create fulfilling, lasting and juicy relationships in all areas of their lives, particularly their sex lives.
Offering a 7-Step Coaching System that helps couples facing challenges who want to make loving, empowered decisions to revitalize their bond or to end it respectfully.
The Website - www.mmakaelnewby.com
The Blog - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com
The Book - www.myeroticadventure.com
Portland Meet-up - www.meetup.com/RelationshipChoice
Twitter @msmakael
M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com
Monday, June 28, 2010
Collaborative Divorce
Collaborative Divorce is an interdisciplinary, non-lawsuit style of ending a marriage that relates to divorce as a personal relationship issue that happens to have legal attachments.
Started by lawyer Stuart Webb in Minneapolis in 1990, the parties are encouraged to communicate what is important about an issue rather than arguing for a specific position or solution. It requires, therefore, that the married couple be committed to working with and not against each other in order to achieve results.
Both parties and their attorneys sign a Participation Agreement stipulating that the attorneys will remove themselves from the divorce proceedings should they fail to reach a negotiated settlement. The couple agrees not to begin litigation during this process, to act in their children's best interests, and that all communications will be constructive and fair, among other agreements.
It is not the same as divorce mediation, in which the mediator is a neutral party. In collaborative divorce, although working together to achieve a negotiated settlement, the attorneys are not neutral. Each lawyer provides his or her client with independent legal advice.
This is clearly a gift for families with children, as it limits the likelihood of an extensive, bitter battle the likes of which can leave lasting scars. Medicine Hat, Alberta was one of the earliest cities to take advantage of this new approach such that family cases in their courts were reduced by 85%.
For the couple willing to manage their emotions and think about their future relationship to their former spouse, collaborative divorce offers a less-expensive, friendlier approach to dissolving your marriage.
Started by lawyer Stuart Webb in Minneapolis in 1990, the parties are encouraged to communicate what is important about an issue rather than arguing for a specific position or solution. It requires, therefore, that the married couple be committed to working with and not against each other in order to achieve results.
Both parties and their attorneys sign a Participation Agreement stipulating that the attorneys will remove themselves from the divorce proceedings should they fail to reach a negotiated settlement. The couple agrees not to begin litigation during this process, to act in their children's best interests, and that all communications will be constructive and fair, among other agreements.
It is not the same as divorce mediation, in which the mediator is a neutral party. In collaborative divorce, although working together to achieve a negotiated settlement, the attorneys are not neutral. Each lawyer provides his or her client with independent legal advice.
This is clearly a gift for families with children, as it limits the likelihood of an extensive, bitter battle the likes of which can leave lasting scars. Medicine Hat, Alberta was one of the earliest cities to take advantage of this new approach such that family cases in their courts were reduced by 85%.
For the couple willing to manage their emotions and think about their future relationship to their former spouse, collaborative divorce offers a less-expensive, friendlier approach to dissolving your marriage.
Sources:
www.collaborativedivorce.net
www.nocourtdivorce.com
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Collaborative_law
M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com
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