It's alright, I understand. Go ahead and say it... "A relationship coach who's getting a divorce? Isn't that a contradiction?"
The answer is no. It's always easier to see what's going on in someone else's relationship than in our own - our eyes do point outward, after all - and a coach has no personal investment or attachment to the details of your life. But I sure do have emotional attachments to my own life, which clutters up the view screen and then some! The best we can do is respond as authentically and responsibly as possible when new information comes to light. This may be a sudden occurrence or realization, or something that has been building for months or years. We do the best we can with the data we have in each moment.
Well, I have new data to share!
My relationship with my husband, Q, has always had some challenges. Being people who do not subscribe to the "one partner should meet ALL of my needs" point of view, we made every effort to outsource the needs that weren't getting met by our partnership. The surprising truth is that our adventures in polyamory - engaging in multiple sexual and romantic engagements - had nothing to do with the breakdown of our marriage! In fact, it allowed us to stay together longer by allowing us to Choose the key issues in our relationship. Of our top issues, communication was in a race for the lead.
If you've read past newsletter or blogs, you know that we've struggled with very different styles of communication. I process out loud, Q thinks before he speaks. My processing drives him mad, his method has felt like an unbearable restriction to me. He's come from a win/lose paradigm, while I've been trained to seek the win/win. He told me how he needed me to speak to him, and how to listen to him, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't seem to master it. Does anyone else relate to this?
If I believed in luck, I'd say that I was lucky to have the opportunity to put myself into a course called Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women only three weeks after we decided to divorce. This course is only for women, and I knew that this work was about empowering men and women in their relationships with one another. So I settled into my seat hopeful about what I'd get, and certain that MY soon-to-be-ex was a strange enough bird that most of their concepts wouldn't apply to him. What I learned blew me away.
Q is a man. Now, of course, I already knew this, right? I was not a virgin bride, and yes, clearly, he's a man. But what I mean is that he's also NOT a woman in that Men do not speak, hear, act, process their thoughts and feelings, prioritize or receive stimuli like Women. The physiological differences are apparent, but the sociological, mental and emotional ones are less so, and I was surprised to discover that my ideas of what a man was bore a striking resemblance to how I know myself to be, as a woman. I mean - we're all People, right? Well, yes, but also no...
I was further shocked to learn that I had been engaging in all kinds of emasculating and undermining thoughts and actions with Q. I thought I was being helpful by offering to help him keep his word, meet his deadlines, remember the details he needed to manage, and generally act in the world like the person I thought he'd said he wanted to become, etc. But I was often busy being "the better man" in our relationship. Have you ever heard yourself say, "I need a wife?" Yep, that's something to look at. And sure enough, everything they told me about how to communicate with a man was how Q had asked me to communicate with him.
Now - I did NOT want to admit that he was right about ANYthing, so to see clearly how I had contributed to the anger, frustration and tension between us really pissed me off! But there it was - undeniable. When one can appreciate the natural design of Men, the possibility of allowing oneself to be a Woman arises, as well as the dance of partnership that can result. Embracing that possibility was much more appealing than being Right.
So I apologized to Q, and acknowledged my mistakes. I also started practicing speaking to him in the way that they taught me, and I'll tell you this... It is the only way that he can hear me clearly. I do it my way and I get annoyance, anger, and blame. I do it their way and I get understanding, patience, and agreement. Forgive my language, but HOLY SHIT! You cannot imagine my surprise, quickly followed by my own piss off that I've taken over 700 hours of personal development work and never yet been taught this information. Grrrrr...
Accordingly, I'm taking ALL of the PAX (Latin for 'peace') coursework, or which CMSW is a part, and will continue to share with you as I learn more about how to create exceptional relationships that allow men to be Men and women to be Women. NOTE: These lessons may not fit every man and woman 100%. I've discovered that Q needs this kind of communication style at a level that I'm not willing to master. I am WAY too high energy for him, and I bring too much intensity to my interactions. It fries his receivers. To moderate myself down to the level that would work for him on a daily basis would feel crippling to me, and it's not something I'm willing to take on any longer. I tried, I failed, and it's not my path. However, I now have a tool that works when it's really important that he be able to hear me, and that's priceless. I also have a new understanding of who I can be in a relationship, and THAT is inspiring!
To learn more about Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women, visit www.understandmen.com. There's also a course for woman and men entitled Understanding Women! I always thought there was something wrong with me that I was so exhausted after spending a full day at the office focusing on one task at a time, or that my mind wanders occasionally when I'm with my partner, even during sex. Am I broken? No, I'm a Woman! You have no idea how different we can be, and when you can appreciate the natural design of a Woman, more peace becomes available.
I am so enthusiastic about the PAX coursework that I'm considering studying to teach their workshops. I really want to expand the sphere of influence that this work has. If I had taken this course before we married, things would have gone VERY differently. Accordingly, if YOU decide to take one of their classes or purchase one of their CDs, books, etc., please provide my affiliate number, which is 554149.
Lastly, I want to apologize to all of my gender-queer peeps. This post has largely been based on traditional Man/Woman stereotypes. Would this support you in your relationships? I don't know, and I'm going to have this conversation with other participants and keep listening for the difference it might make for you.
Lessons From My Divorce, Part 2 will discuss the importance of holding and honoring one's boundaries.
M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com
Showing posts with label responsibility. Show all posts
Showing posts with label responsibility. Show all posts
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Relationship Tip - Responsibility (=Power)
As a relationship coach, you might be tempted to think that my intimate partnerships are handled, worked out, or problem-free. NOT SO, my friend!
I recently went through a major breakdown with my fiance that shook us to the very foundation of our coupledom. I'm holding back on the detailed content - the 'he said - she said' of the matter, because, in truth, that's not the point. In brief, he violated one of our core agreements with each other... he lied. Not once, but multiple times over several days about the same topic. He convincingly lied to my face even when I asked, "Is everything handled? Are you sure you've got it covered?"
All of this ugly finally hit the fan as he was driving me to the airport last Wednesday in preparation for a presentation and conference in San Francisco, and sure enough, as with most reports on infidelity, it wasn't the subject about which he lied that ultimately bothered me - it was the lying itself. But I had to leave town before the issue could be resolved! What was I to do? I had to teach a class that night, and a disappointed, exhausted, and frustrated instructor does not create a safe space for the sharing of her attendees!
The solution looked like this...
Step One - I wrote a letter to him on the plane, and said what I needed to say, much of which got cut from the final version once I'd calmed down. The hurt, the upset, the frustration... it all needed a voice. To have held it inside of me would have made it cancerous, emotionally if not physically. The blame, the anger, the victimization (EX: How could you do that to me?!)... I let it all out onto the page where it couldn't hurt anyone. I coughed up that emotional hairball until I'd said it all and my pulse had slowed again.
Step Two - I acknowledged that I was viewing it as Wrong that he had lied to me. Setting aside my judgment of the matter, the fact remains that he did what he did, said what he said, and didn't do what he didn't do. None of that is inherently right or wrong but that I SAY its so, so if that is one of the aspects of my annoyance, it behooves me to let it go. The past is the past, and there's no changing it. Unless I wanted to take all of that anger and frustration back, I'd best look for a way to regain my power.
Step Three: The hardest part - I took a deep, long look for how I was responsible for the way it went down, and here's what I saw...
I KNEW. Deep down inside of me, I knew that something was not right, that something was off in his/our world. Sure, I asked him if everything was okay, but his response did not feel right to me, and I stepped over it. I chose the less confrontational approach of "Okay, then. Just checking, thanks!" instead of trusting my own instincts and calling him out.
Now, here's the point... It would have been very easy for me to blame the whole situation on him. He's the one who lied, who didn't keep his word to me, or to himself for that matter. I did my part, right? I asked the question! It's not my fault if he lied to me... but to maintain that view leaves me the victim of the situation. 'Poor me, he lied to me and broke his promise to tell the truth.' It's not very empowering, and it provides no access for me to choose a different path in the future.
By identifying that I had not been responsible for honoring my own instincts, I reclaimed my power and created a lesson from which I could benefit. In this case: Trust My Instincts, and Be Willing To Have The Uncomfortable Conversation.
We are back in a very good place now. He is on track, and our wedding plans are coming together. I am neither holding a grudge nor anticipating the next time that it might happen. The likelihood that it will happen again is, let's face it, moderate. But I will listen to and trust my instincts, have the difficult and uncomfortable conversation, and be prepared to discover another lesson in the process!
So the next time you're tempted to blame someone else, ask yourself, "How am I responsible?"
M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com
PS - I have my fiance's total permission to share about him and our life together in my blog and newsletters. He hears all of my entries before they are posted. :)
I recently went through a major breakdown with my fiance that shook us to the very foundation of our coupledom. I'm holding back on the detailed content - the 'he said - she said' of the matter, because, in truth, that's not the point. In brief, he violated one of our core agreements with each other... he lied. Not once, but multiple times over several days about the same topic. He convincingly lied to my face even when I asked, "Is everything handled? Are you sure you've got it covered?"
All of this ugly finally hit the fan as he was driving me to the airport last Wednesday in preparation for a presentation and conference in San Francisco, and sure enough, as with most reports on infidelity, it wasn't the subject about which he lied that ultimately bothered me - it was the lying itself. But I had to leave town before the issue could be resolved! What was I to do? I had to teach a class that night, and a disappointed, exhausted, and frustrated instructor does not create a safe space for the sharing of her attendees!
The solution looked like this...
Step One - I wrote a letter to him on the plane, and said what I needed to say, much of which got cut from the final version once I'd calmed down. The hurt, the upset, the frustration... it all needed a voice. To have held it inside of me would have made it cancerous, emotionally if not physically. The blame, the anger, the victimization (EX: How could you do that to me?!)... I let it all out onto the page where it couldn't hurt anyone. I coughed up that emotional hairball until I'd said it all and my pulse had slowed again.
Step Two - I acknowledged that I was viewing it as Wrong that he had lied to me. Setting aside my judgment of the matter, the fact remains that he did what he did, said what he said, and didn't do what he didn't do. None of that is inherently right or wrong but that I SAY its so, so if that is one of the aspects of my annoyance, it behooves me to let it go. The past is the past, and there's no changing it. Unless I wanted to take all of that anger and frustration back, I'd best look for a way to regain my power.
Step Three: The hardest part - I took a deep, long look for how I was responsible for the way it went down, and here's what I saw...
I KNEW. Deep down inside of me, I knew that something was not right, that something was off in his/our world. Sure, I asked him if everything was okay, but his response did not feel right to me, and I stepped over it. I chose the less confrontational approach of "Okay, then. Just checking, thanks!" instead of trusting my own instincts and calling him out.
Now, here's the point... It would have been very easy for me to blame the whole situation on him. He's the one who lied, who didn't keep his word to me, or to himself for that matter. I did my part, right? I asked the question! It's not my fault if he lied to me... but to maintain that view leaves me the victim of the situation. 'Poor me, he lied to me and broke his promise to tell the truth.' It's not very empowering, and it provides no access for me to choose a different path in the future.
By identifying that I had not been responsible for honoring my own instincts, I reclaimed my power and created a lesson from which I could benefit. In this case: Trust My Instincts, and Be Willing To Have The Uncomfortable Conversation.
We are back in a very good place now. He is on track, and our wedding plans are coming together. I am neither holding a grudge nor anticipating the next time that it might happen. The likelihood that it will happen again is, let's face it, moderate. But I will listen to and trust my instincts, have the difficult and uncomfortable conversation, and be prepared to discover another lesson in the process!
So the next time you're tempted to blame someone else, ask yourself, "How am I responsible?"
M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com
PS - I have my fiance's total permission to share about him and our life together in my blog and newsletters. He hears all of my entries before they are posted. :)
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
The Theory of Universal Release
This is a very interesting time in my life. I seem to be receiving certain messages from the universe. One is that even people who are only in my life for a few days can make huge contributions, and I need to simply have faith in my dreams. (see Example 2 below)
The other is what I'm calling the Theory of Universal Release.
It goes like this:
Only when you've released all attachment to a person or an outcome is there any space for them/it to show up.
No, I'm not the first person to have this thought, it is found throughout various spiritual readings and texts, and would be consistent with certain distinctions at Landmark Education. It is also consistent with the reading I've done of quantum physics regarding how women's thoughts impact their environment. Nonetheless, I'll put it forth here for your consideration...
Example 1: The Photo Shoot
I've been trying to coordinate a photo shoot for the last few months - photographer, make-up and hair artist, location, date, etc. The last two became the challenges. For the whole month of October we've been waiting to hear from the owner of the chosen location in order to schedule a date. My emails to the photographer kept bouncing back even, and it felt like it would never happen.
“Fine,” I say finally, “maybe this just isn't supposed to happen right now. I give up. It'll happen next year, or not, and I'll just focus on the rest of my life.”
One hour later the photographer emails me - My server was down, we're set for this Sunday. Okay then, let's go...!
Example 2: The Disappearing Friend
Great guy - we meet, hit it off to the extreme, clicking on all cylinders, and I'm totally thrown by how easy it is between us. Neither of us expected this! Now I'm not saying he's The One, but he comes damn close, and it sure is fun just sharing certain conversations together. We spend a few days largely together, but plans fall through for Saturday night - family obligations, late friends, etc. And then... he's gone. No emails, no texts, no response to voicemails.
GONE. Out of existence completely. Now, I know I did nothing wrong, so it wasn't me, but this is weird. I try to be cool - give him space to be wherever he is mentally and emotionally, and physically (did he go out of town?) - and eventually get to this...
“Fine,” I say, “this just wasn't supposed to happen now after all. Thank you, Universe, for the experience of what it will be like to date a funny, clever, intelligent, passionate, caring, handsome, spiritual, enlightened, transformed man with whom the chemistry is HOT, who takes care of his body, loves to dance, shares my sexual inclinations, loves all of my animals and adores me! Thank you for the opportunity. Someday the right man will come along.”
One hour later he calls - “I was out of town unexpectedly, going through an emotional family time.” Amazing.
He cut that call short to take a work call, and has since disappeared again. I'm back to RE-releasing... The right person for me would be calling me back, so no problem. I am committed that the friendship survive in some manner.
Example 3: Dr. D's Smile
Dr. D has been waffling on the thought of getting veneers for a few years now. She says she wants them, then she doesn't. She doesn't want to close her gap, but she thinks my doctor (her dentist) does. When last we spoke, she told me she didn't want to do it. Yesterday she was scheduled to come in for a cleaning and my doc raised the question about her veneers.
“Look,” I say, “she told me she doesn't want it. Let's remove all pressure from her. WE will not bring it up ever again unless SHE initiates the conversation, and if she does - let's make sure it's because SHE wants it, not to please US.”
She walks in 30 minutes later with photos in hand - “Here's what I want, and can you complete the work before Christmas?”
So, basically, the moment that I get responsible for my feelings and give other people the freedom to think, feel, or be however They choose... the world alters.
The challenge now is to apply this to money, eh? Where am I trying to force the issue with money? Where am I attached to money in my life - the answer seems to be “Everywhere.” And yet I know that if I can release my emotional attachment to money... thank it for what it makes possible and release it from being responsible for my emotions and circumstances... the way will be made for it to show up in my life.
Yeah, I'm still working on that one!
M. Makael Newby, 2008 - All Rights Reserved
The other is what I'm calling the Theory of Universal Release.
It goes like this:
Only when you've released all attachment to a person or an outcome is there any space for them/it to show up.
No, I'm not the first person to have this thought, it is found throughout various spiritual readings and texts, and would be consistent with certain distinctions at Landmark Education. It is also consistent with the reading I've done of quantum physics regarding how women's thoughts impact their environment. Nonetheless, I'll put it forth here for your consideration...
Example 1: The Photo Shoot
I've been trying to coordinate a photo shoot for the last few months - photographer, make-up and hair artist, location, date, etc. The last two became the challenges. For the whole month of October we've been waiting to hear from the owner of the chosen location in order to schedule a date. My emails to the photographer kept bouncing back even, and it felt like it would never happen.
“Fine,” I say finally, “maybe this just isn't supposed to happen right now. I give up. It'll happen next year, or not, and I'll just focus on the rest of my life.”
One hour later the photographer emails me - My server was down, we're set for this Sunday. Okay then, let's go...!
Example 2: The Disappearing Friend
Great guy - we meet, hit it off to the extreme, clicking on all cylinders, and I'm totally thrown by how easy it is between us. Neither of us expected this! Now I'm not saying he's The One, but he comes damn close, and it sure is fun just sharing certain conversations together. We spend a few days largely together, but plans fall through for Saturday night - family obligations, late friends, etc. And then... he's gone. No emails, no texts, no response to voicemails.
GONE. Out of existence completely. Now, I know I did nothing wrong, so it wasn't me, but this is weird. I try to be cool - give him space to be wherever he is mentally and emotionally, and physically (did he go out of town?) - and eventually get to this...
“Fine,” I say, “this just wasn't supposed to happen now after all. Thank you, Universe, for the experience of what it will be like to date a funny, clever, intelligent, passionate, caring, handsome, spiritual, enlightened, transformed man with whom the chemistry is HOT, who takes care of his body, loves to dance, shares my sexual inclinations, loves all of my animals and adores me! Thank you for the opportunity. Someday the right man will come along.”
One hour later he calls - “I was out of town unexpectedly, going through an emotional family time.” Amazing.
He cut that call short to take a work call, and has since disappeared again. I'm back to RE-releasing... The right person for me would be calling me back, so no problem. I am committed that the friendship survive in some manner.
Example 3: Dr. D's Smile
Dr. D has been waffling on the thought of getting veneers for a few years now. She says she wants them, then she doesn't. She doesn't want to close her gap, but she thinks my doctor (her dentist) does. When last we spoke, she told me she didn't want to do it. Yesterday she was scheduled to come in for a cleaning and my doc raised the question about her veneers.
“Look,” I say, “she told me she doesn't want it. Let's remove all pressure from her. WE will not bring it up ever again unless SHE initiates the conversation, and if she does - let's make sure it's because SHE wants it, not to please US.”
She walks in 30 minutes later with photos in hand - “Here's what I want, and can you complete the work before Christmas?”
So, basically, the moment that I get responsible for my feelings and give other people the freedom to think, feel, or be however They choose... the world alters.
The challenge now is to apply this to money, eh? Where am I trying to force the issue with money? Where am I attached to money in my life - the answer seems to be “Everywhere.” And yet I know that if I can release my emotional attachment to money... thank it for what it makes possible and release it from being responsible for my emotions and circumstances... the way will be made for it to show up in my life.
Yeah, I'm still working on that one!
M. Makael Newby, 2008 - All Rights Reserved
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