Polyamory - the ugly people's sex club?!

Peter, on 08 September 2010, posted a blog about his opinions on poly people all being ugly, choosing poly because we need to keep our options open and can't find that one right partner (more likely that they're out of our league). My response follows his blog.

PETER:

I’ve been suspecting something for a long time, so I’m just going to come out and say it.

I think that all these people that are into polyamory on the internet are all overweight and or ugly people that don’t want to die alone and so they want to get involved with one person, to stop that happening while leaving their options open because they realise that they’re settling for something.

I kind of think it’s like some weird ugly people sex club.

I think the only reason to keep your options open is because you think you’re settling for something or what you’re getting into isn’t exactly right for you. I think it’s entirely possible to have all your needs met by one person and if they aren’t then you settled before you found the right one.

Saying I want to have the ability to fuck other people, is essentially, exactly the same as saying.. I’m not going to be ok just fucking you for the rest of my life.

I think all of them would pack the polyamory thing in for the right person. It’s just, if my theory is correct, the right person for them (in their mind) is sadly out of their league.

I justify all of this, by saying I’ve never actually seen an attractive person that said they’re polyamorous.

I’ve seen a couple that have never actually been in a polyamorous relationship though, that said they’d be ok with it.. but I think that would all entirely change when their partner turned around and actually started banging someone else.

I think polyamory is the open, honest version of getting into a relationship and then cheating on your partner.

I think the root causes are the same. I think it’s all down to not having your needs met on some level, but like I said, I feel if that’s the case then you should be dropping the person you’re with and getting with someone that does meet those needs and not getting into a relationship and then continuing to look for that person while having a fall back plan incase it never happens.

So there it is.

I’m ok with someone proving me wrong however. It’s just I don’t think I am.

MAKAEL:

Well, that is certainly one judgmental way to look at things, particularly for one who's never met a poly person to whom he was attracted. Your opinion is... Yours, and you're entitled to it. So if you decide that I look like a walrus, you'll use that as justification to ignore the rest of what I'm about to say? Weak sauce. You can do better than that.

You are confusing Swinging with Polyamory, among other things. Here's a link to a blog I wrote in 2007 distinguishing the two.

As a core point, however, you believe in One True Love Who Can Meets All Your Needs (and, one must assume, ALL of whose needs you can also meet), and I do not. Nothing I have to say will change your mind, nonetheless, I'll make my points. (That stuff about us all being ugly is just puerile and not worth my response.)

As a relationship coach, and a non-monogamous woman who's wedding is one week from tonight, I entirely disagree with your view that one couple can (should?) be everything to each other, and that if you haven't found THAT person, than you've settled. In my experience, it takes extraordinary courage to truly admit to your passions and desires, and create a partnership that allows your needs to be met. That is NOT settling.

And while we're on that point... Are you single or married? If married and you believe that you've found that One person - Hooray for you! I sincerely hope that your (very high) expectations continue to be met. If single... perhaps you will find that one, someday. Keep looking for 10 more years, and then let's talk. And for your reading pleasure, I offer: Love in the Western World, by Denis de Rougemont.

In case you haven't noticed, the assumption of monogamy is not working... largely, IMHO, because it is often an Assumption instead of a Choice. We are so thoroughly inundated from a young age with the idea that monogamy is THE way for sex in a marriage that most people never stop to question whether or not that actually empowers, excites and works for them!

The facts are the facts: The divorce rate was 49% per the CDC in 2008. Infidelity is rumored to run around 60% for men and 40% for women, and to be on the rise among women (given the social stigma, it's VERY difficult to gain accurate data on infidelity). We SAY monogamy, we TALK about our 'one true partner', but that's not the way we live our lives.

Swinging and Polyamory, forms of functional non-monogamy, happen with the complete knowledge, awareness, and agreement of both parties in a committed relationship. This is the opposite if Cheating, which is defined by breaking agreements (specifically the assumed agreement of monogamy), hiding, and sneaking around. That's why cheaters get CAUGHT. Swingers and polyamorists don't get Caught because we've got nothing to Hide!

In fact, being this open about your authentic desires, and facing your own fears and insecurities (like jealousy), can create an extremely strong bond between partners. It can also teach you relationship skills that benefit every area of your life, and every type of relationship you have.

AND monogamy is a completely valid choice. For some people it works. As does celibacy. I'll make my choices, you'll make yours, and we'll each have our own opinions. Viva la difference!


M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

Fear of Cheating in an LDR

Perhaps I'm in a mood today, but I'm sharing an email response to an on-line forum post regarding dealing with insecurity in a long distance relationship where both partners think/fear that the other is cheating on them.

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"Okay, I apologize in advance for being very straight with you, and here goes:

"He told me about his past relationships, and basically there were no good relationships and a lot of drama."

And now you've got a lot of drama. Are you really surprised?

"Ever since we been together in this long-distance relationship (LDR) he has been thinking that I'm messing around and I think the same of him."

No, you don't just "think" the same of him, you FEAR the same. Both of you are dealing with an unjustifiable fear (it's a fear of loss, often fed by a personal insecurity) and an inability to trust, and until you address the source of those issues, they will keep showing up.

You think being together full-time will solve it? I doubt it - Many couples live together and still suspect each other of cheating. It has nothing to do with an LDR and everything to do with your inability to trust. Your concerns are Not about Him, and his are Not about You.

When in your past did someone break their word to you? Perhaps not a romantic partner, perhaps it was a parent, relative, teacher or friend. When did you decide that you couldn't trust, that people leave you, that that you don't deserve it, or whatever it was? Whether it shows up everywhere in your life, or only with this partner - something in the present is flashing you back to that moment that your trust was betrayed, and now you cannot BUT fear it happening again.

I'm theorizing here - I don't know you and we'll probably never meet. But I see this happening so often that I'm willing to throw it out there as a declaration. Until you EACH are willing to be entirely responsible for your OWN emotions and fears, and to dig into the underlying insecurities that take you over, this will likely not resolve.

So go ahead, dig in. Take the time you need to find the source of your insecurity and heal it, even if it means getting help from a professional. It's worth it.

Now, I have every bit of compassion for how much courage it takes to dig into oneself that way. Our own minds are scary places to hang out, and admitting to (and getting responsible for) our fears and insecurities feels like it'll kill us! And I'm telling you as someone who has done it, again and again, it is The Only Way to resolve this type of issue for the long-run, and the VERY BEST GIFT that you can give to yourself and the people in your life. Unless you believe in prayer and miracles, in which case, go on girl, get started.

Good luck, M"

M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

The Tiger on Trial

Wow, the media is having a scandalous blast with the marriage infidelities of Tiger Woods. I flipped through the pages of a recent US Weekly whose headlines pointed to Elin Nordegren's distress and confusion over what to do next. Did they have any quotes from the source? No, of course not.

Now I read that she's moving out, and hear that he's taking at least a year off of the golf circuit... honestly, I just wish the media would lay the hell off and give this couple a chance to work things out together - whichever way they choose to go.

Truthfully, I feel sorry for them both. In my opinion, nether one is the bad-guy in this situation. Admittedly, I have no idea what went on in the privacy of their home and hearts - AND NEITHER DO YOU. It's easy to project our own history and experiences, to fill in what we don't know with what we suspect, or with what makes sense given the little that we've heard, but we don't know the full truth, neither does ANYONE at this point, and I think the popular media is giving them the short end of the stick... and beating them with it.

End tirade. Begin sensible feedback. If they were my clients, here's where we'd start...

There's a lot of cleaning up to do here. Lies have been told, expectations unfulfilled, agreements broken, and the word "betrayed" likely applies to Elin's emotional perception. First, I think that Tiger needs to come clean with Elin and tell her the whole truth - every ugly, hurtful, unpleasant kernel. The more details that remain to show up unexpectedly and surprise her, the worse it gets for them both. Coughing it up now is the best thing he can do.

The hardest part (or one of them) would be for Elin to listen to what he has to say without storming out of the room in a backlash of emotion. How many women; who they are/were; what he did with them; what he told them about her/about his feelings; whether or not he used condoms and/or other measures to avoid pregnancy; what he told himself to justify his actions; how he felt each time he came home/spoke with her on the phone/lied; etc... she needs to know it all. But once she knows it all, she knows it all, and there's no longer anything else to fear. That is a very powerful place to stand, and I'd suggest that she grab it.

Additionally, I would remind Elin that Tiger's actions have nothing to do with HER, his actions are about HIM. Easily said, right? But that's true for all of us, all of the time. I am a fully-functioning, adult human being, and I bear ultimate responsibility for my actions because I have something called Choice and an ability called impulse control. Tiger chose to cheat and to hide (I SO wish he hadn't), and actions have consequences. But they are his choices and his actions, and as a sane adult, he doesn't get to blame them on her, and neither should she.

Look, I don't know what went on in their home... How was their sex life? Has parenting changed their desires? How long was he gone at a stretch? How did they connect intimately over the distance? Was he happy in their monogamous relationship when they got married, or did he agree because it was expected of him? Did they ever discuss other options? We just don't know, so I'd advise everyone who's not them to stop blaming and get a grip.

Oops, I slipped into the tirade again... back to the matter at hand.

But on that note, while it's supportive to have a family that's always on your side, I'd advise Elin not to buy into the story that she married a monster who should be punished, no matter what her family and friends say. Theirs are not the voices of reason, and may not lead to her ultimate happiness.

And now it's Elin's turn to say everything that there is for her to say at this point -- how she's felt over the last many months (did she suspect?) and since finding out; her thoughts; her feelings; her fears; Everything. It doesn't have to be pretty or nice, or even responsible. She can blame and name-call and say whatever's on her mind until she's said it all.

In hearing this, I'd ask Tiger to put aside all defense and listen from the perspective that this is what's true for her right now. Listening to her possibly hurtful comments doesn't mean that they're True, it means that this is how she feels right now, and that's valid. Our actions have impacts on others, and it's time to find out what he's wrought. The biggest gift you can give someone is to hear them, and she deserves that, particularly right now.

So let's assume that Tiger has now told the truth and that Elin has allowed herself to hear it without taking it personally. He's heard her thoughts and feelings about the matter, and nothing remains unsaid between them. He did what he did, and didn't do what he didn't do. The same goes for her, and there's no changing the past. It might take some time and a lot of work to get there, but let's assume that they've stuck it out to this point.

The next question in my mind becomes, are they willing to consider building a new relationship that honors them BOTH? Is the love they've shared worth that consideration? It may or may not be. Being willing doesn't mean that they promise to stay together, only that they're willing to look newly, to ask and answer the hard questions, and then to choose whether they are ultimately compatible as life partners. They may not be, or they could create a relationships that far exceeds what they ever dreamt was possible. Only they can make that determination.

Now, every individual is different, and coaching always follows the client's agenda, so it's unlikely that my conversations with them would directly follow the path I've laid out above. Nonetheless, as a specialist in non-traditional relationships, here are some of the questions I'd love to pose to them separately...

• Is sex with only one partner a concept that feels right to you? Deeply fulfilling and grounding?
• If you were able to know that you would never lose the love and lifetime commitment of your partner No Matter What, would monogamy still be your first choice?
• Have you ever fantasized about adding a third person or another couple to your sexual escapades?
• How about falling in love with another person and still having an incredible marriage with your life-partner?
• How often do you want to have sex, ideally?
• Do you enjoy sex with your spouse?
• When you and your spouse are sexually intimate, do you feel that your needs get met?
• What about your need for emotionally intimacy?
• What about your needs for companionship?
• Do you feel that your spouse really gets you? Understands and supports who you are and who your want to be in this lifetime?
• If you could wave a magic wand and have any kind of relationship structure, and live any kind of lifestyle, with NO concerns or repercussions, what would you choose?
• Why did you fall in love with this person in the first place? What are their traits that you love/hate? Etc.
  

Once they'd told the truth to themselves, I'd ask them to share their desires with each other. Maybe they'd create a relationships that inspires them both, or maybe they'd divorce. Either way, they both deserve a loving relationship with a partner who wants, and chooses to live, a lifestyle that leaves them both fulfilled!

Besides the possible long-term impact on their children, the saddest thing is that it didn't have to go down this way. Why didn't Tiger tell her from the start that he wanted more, or call her when he noticed that he was considering acting on his impulses to see other women on the road?

Because our society makes that Wrong -- God forbid you tell the truth to your spouse if you're not saying the Right thing. Better you should lie about it, but when you get caught, we'll victimize you. Or maybe he just wanted what he wanted and stupidly thought that he could get away with it, or didn't care if he got found out... I'll not make him into a martyr here.

Either way, there's no room in our society to tell your spouse that you want to have additional relationships on the side, be it sexual or romantic, after you get married if you didn't mention it before the wedding bells rang. That mind-set has run it's course, and it's days are numbered. That's why I'm here.

I wish them the very best of luck in healing the hurts that brought about this break in communication and honor, and I hope they have the courage to create the relationships of their dreams... together or apart.


M. Makael Newby, 2009 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

Honoring the Agreement

This is the first of three videos from my Non-Monogamy for the Novice workshop, this one discussing the difference between cheating and functional non-monogamy. Though honoring the agreement with your partner is here addressed within the context of a non-monogamous relationship, you'll find that it applies to any relationship of value.

What has been your experience with broken agreements? Was the honor restored, and if so, how?

Swinging vs. Polyamory: A description for novices

Apparently (I did not see the show), Oprah aired an hour-long show two days ago about sex & redefining monogamy. Yesterday morning, Kane, the host of Washington DC's HOT 99.5 morning show, held a big discussion and call-in session regarding the Oprah show, particularly that it ended with an (apparently polyamorous) married couple where the wife has a boyfriend.

People called in an uproar - How insane! That's begging for infidelity! This is where STDs get spread! - and other such inexperienced, fear-based comments (IMHO). But there was one caller, Dawn, who is considering adding sexual partners to her marriage, who was so well-spoken and grounded that Kane brought her back this morning to discuss it further. The following is my response to their interview, ported on Kane's page on the station's website.

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Regarding the conversation with Dawn, you are confusing two different lifestyles. What Dawn is describing is Swinging - having additional sexual partners outside of your emotional relationship.

This could entail any level of sexual activity from flirting and kissing to soft swap (which generally means no intercourse) to full swap (it's all good), and some partners insist on staying together (same room) while others play apart as a couple (different rooms at the same time) or apart individually (one may play with a single or couple and his/her partner is not involved).

Married couples do this, but so do dating couples, friends with benefits, and singles. And crossover occurs with the following lifestyle to all degrees possible, as we are all human.

NOW... The married couple on the Oprah show were Polyamorous - that involves having multiple significant Emotional relationships (the husband, the boyfriend, and the girlfriend). You need to make the distinction between emotional and sexual monogamy - they are not the same thing.

I know many polyamorous couples (yes, with children) and singles who have made this work for them. The range of relationships - imagine "my husband's girlfriend's husband" - is sometimes referred to as the poly web, and imagine how interesting it makes holidays!

I can say from experience that it requires an emotionally mature couple/person to live successfully in either of these lifestyles because you have to handle all of the fear, insecurity and jealousy that comes up when either seeing your partner with another person, or when acknowledging that they are emotionally excited about someone else. (I am a swinger - I want emotional monogamy from my partner, not sexual monogamy.)

The level of communication and trust required between partners is significant - are you willing to tell him/her how it really felt to watch them kissing (etc.) - that you were jealous, for example, even if it doesn't look good for you to admit that, and you know it's not what he/she wants to hear? AND, are you further willing to be responsible for your emotions - to accept it as true when he/she tells you that you are still the owner of his/her heart, and notice what interpretation and meaning you gave their kissing? If you are not willing to get responsible for the drama YOU create in your relationships, these are not the lifestyles for you.

AND, if you ARE, this can make your partnership stronger emotionally, harder to break apart, and FUN!

As for concerns of STDs, I will give you a 95% guarantee that active members of these lifestyles are more educated on sexual safety and practice safer sex measures with more consistency than your average college student, and even college graduate. Many of us will not play without condoms, it's simply a fact. As such, it no longer means anything about the person asking for or supplying the condoms and the emotional drama is removed, which is certainly safer.

Want to know more? Do a search on-line. There are lots of conversation groups, play clubs, and meeting sites that can help you get your foot in the door and get in touch with like-minded people. Not for you? Great! It is not for everyone.

Please let me know if I may be of more assistance, and thank you for the opportunity to offer clarification of this challenging issue.

M. Makael Newby, 2007 - All Rights Reserved