The Jargon of Swinging

Every area of specialty has a language of it's own. Here's a quick review of some of the terms and definitions that you may encounter in the world of swinging.

• Soft Swap - A couple that engages in Soft Swap is generally interested in kissing and petting. They may or may not engage in oral sex, but full-body, full-nudity, full-penetration sex is off the menu.

• Full Swap - A couple that describes themselves as Full Swap is into the full range of physical, sexual activities. Anal sex must always be explicitly negotiated, and you can never assume that either one of them is bi-sexual. Otherwise, you can generally take it that they're open to the full range of penetrative sex.
  

• "Hall Pass" - I crossed this term on Lifestyle Lounge, and mention it here in case it has made the transition to the swing community at large. A Hall Pass would mean that one partner has the permission to play solo, without the other partner's involvement. For example - "I'm coming to town for a conference and have a hall pass. Who wants to play?"
  

• On-Premises - An on-premises club or party is one that includes beds and/or rooms where you can get your sexy on with other attendees. Often there will be a dance area, a place for lounging, possibly a bar, and rooms for sexual engagement. Some rooms or areas will be structurally open to viewing by other attendees, some have viewing windows, and some are enclosed and private. Sometimes there's a time limit, implied or enforced, on how long you can occupy a room. The clubs that I've attended all supply condoms, sometimes packets of lube, and all supply clean sheets. When you leave the room, you strip the bed, and the next couple makes their bed with new sheets before they engage. It's a system of common courtesy and convenience.
  

• Off-Premises - An off-premises club or party is one where you've got to take your freak elsewhere. It may be a dance club or a bar rented out for that evening, or a single hotel room, but there may be limits on the level of nudity and sexual play. You can meet, greet, snuggle, flirt, dance, and possibly pet lightly, but once you decide that you want to take it further, go get a room of your own.
  

Are you open to soft or full swap? No swap? Would you ever give your partner a hall pass? Would you rather attend and on-premises or off-premises event? Interesting questions to consider, eh? Until you actually consider them - REALLY consider them - you only think you know the answers.


M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

The Etiquette of Swinging

Have you ever wanted to visit a swinger's club?

I've recently been asked to lead a field trip to a local club for some curious newbies. (Parental permission slip NOT required.) Accordingly, let's conduct a brief introduction to the etiquette of swinging...

1) You don't have to do anything you don't want to do - Just because you're hanging out at a swinger's club doesn't mean that you want to get fucked. Many people are drawn to the openness of the swing community, the freedom to fully express themselves without concern or censure. We can talk about our jobs, the weather, politics, and we can talk openly about sex. We can kiss our friends, hug as tightly as we want, and snuggle with attractive acquaintances. Maybe you just want to dance and flirt! In my experience, as many people come for the company as for the hook-up, so there's no pressure to partake.

2) Dress appropriately - Most swinger's clubs have a dress code. Know in advance the rules, and follow them. In general, be stylish, wear clothes that fit your shape and form. That said, many such clubs allow increasing levels of undress if you're willing to go there.Topless with a bikini bottom will likely work better than wearing torn jeans (which probably will keep you from getting in). Arrive fully clothed, and undress on site once you get a feel for the crowd.

3) Ask First - Ask before you touch. Many people at such clubs will allow you to caress and fondle them if there's a certain level of interpersonal chemistry. Introduce yourself, and ask.

4) No means No - Disregarding someone's No will see you booted out the door, and once black-listed in the swing community - good luck at finding willing play partners. You will not want to get with everyone there, and not everyone will want to get with you. Don't take it personally, just accept the 'No' or 'No thank you' graciously and move on.

5) Don't be creepy - I laughed to see this directive at Portland's Club Sesso. What's creepy? Well, if I'm engaged in a public display of sex it would be normal for you to obseve and play a little pocket pool. Staring me down from two feet away and playing with your genitals while I'm having a drink at the bar with a girlfriend would be Creepy, get it? Fit your behavior to the context of the environment.

After that, enjoy yourself! Meet some people, have a drink, dance a little. Walk around and see who's doing what where. Let out your inner voyeur, or your inner exhibitionist. (Tabu Social Club in Catonsville, MD has two poles and a cage on their dance floor - how I miss them!)

You're likely to find that most swingers are normal, everyday people who like a little added sexiness in their lives. They have families, friends, pets, jobs, and concerns just like the rest of us. Let your guard down and you might make some very good friends.


M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

The Tiger on Trial

Wow, the media is having a scandalous blast with the marriage infidelities of Tiger Woods. I flipped through the pages of a recent US Weekly whose headlines pointed to Elin Nordegren's distress and confusion over what to do next. Did they have any quotes from the source? No, of course not.

Now I read that she's moving out, and hear that he's taking at least a year off of the golf circuit... honestly, I just wish the media would lay the hell off and give this couple a chance to work things out together - whichever way they choose to go.

Truthfully, I feel sorry for them both. In my opinion, nether one is the bad-guy in this situation. Admittedly, I have no idea what went on in the privacy of their home and hearts - AND NEITHER DO YOU. It's easy to project our own history and experiences, to fill in what we don't know with what we suspect, or with what makes sense given the little that we've heard, but we don't know the full truth, neither does ANYONE at this point, and I think the popular media is giving them the short end of the stick... and beating them with it.

End tirade. Begin sensible feedback. If they were my clients, here's where we'd start...

There's a lot of cleaning up to do here. Lies have been told, expectations unfulfilled, agreements broken, and the word "betrayed" likely applies to Elin's emotional perception. First, I think that Tiger needs to come clean with Elin and tell her the whole truth - every ugly, hurtful, unpleasant kernel. The more details that remain to show up unexpectedly and surprise her, the worse it gets for them both. Coughing it up now is the best thing he can do.

The hardest part (or one of them) would be for Elin to listen to what he has to say without storming out of the room in a backlash of emotion. How many women; who they are/were; what he did with them; what he told them about her/about his feelings; whether or not he used condoms and/or other measures to avoid pregnancy; what he told himself to justify his actions; how he felt each time he came home/spoke with her on the phone/lied; etc... she needs to know it all. But once she knows it all, she knows it all, and there's no longer anything else to fear. That is a very powerful place to stand, and I'd suggest that she grab it.

Additionally, I would remind Elin that Tiger's actions have nothing to do with HER, his actions are about HIM. Easily said, right? But that's true for all of us, all of the time. I am a fully-functioning, adult human being, and I bear ultimate responsibility for my actions because I have something called Choice and an ability called impulse control. Tiger chose to cheat and to hide (I SO wish he hadn't), and actions have consequences. But they are his choices and his actions, and as a sane adult, he doesn't get to blame them on her, and neither should she.

Look, I don't know what went on in their home... How was their sex life? Has parenting changed their desires? How long was he gone at a stretch? How did they connect intimately over the distance? Was he happy in their monogamous relationship when they got married, or did he agree because it was expected of him? Did they ever discuss other options? We just don't know, so I'd advise everyone who's not them to stop blaming and get a grip.

Oops, I slipped into the tirade again... back to the matter at hand.

But on that note, while it's supportive to have a family that's always on your side, I'd advise Elin not to buy into the story that she married a monster who should be punished, no matter what her family and friends say. Theirs are not the voices of reason, and may not lead to her ultimate happiness.

And now it's Elin's turn to say everything that there is for her to say at this point -- how she's felt over the last many months (did she suspect?) and since finding out; her thoughts; her feelings; her fears; Everything. It doesn't have to be pretty or nice, or even responsible. She can blame and name-call and say whatever's on her mind until she's said it all.

In hearing this, I'd ask Tiger to put aside all defense and listen from the perspective that this is what's true for her right now. Listening to her possibly hurtful comments doesn't mean that they're True, it means that this is how she feels right now, and that's valid. Our actions have impacts on others, and it's time to find out what he's wrought. The biggest gift you can give someone is to hear them, and she deserves that, particularly right now.

So let's assume that Tiger has now told the truth and that Elin has allowed herself to hear it without taking it personally. He's heard her thoughts and feelings about the matter, and nothing remains unsaid between them. He did what he did, and didn't do what he didn't do. The same goes for her, and there's no changing the past. It might take some time and a lot of work to get there, but let's assume that they've stuck it out to this point.

The next question in my mind becomes, are they willing to consider building a new relationship that honors them BOTH? Is the love they've shared worth that consideration? It may or may not be. Being willing doesn't mean that they promise to stay together, only that they're willing to look newly, to ask and answer the hard questions, and then to choose whether they are ultimately compatible as life partners. They may not be, or they could create a relationships that far exceeds what they ever dreamt was possible. Only they can make that determination.

Now, every individual is different, and coaching always follows the client's agenda, so it's unlikely that my conversations with them would directly follow the path I've laid out above. Nonetheless, as a specialist in non-traditional relationships, here are some of the questions I'd love to pose to them separately...

• Is sex with only one partner a concept that feels right to you? Deeply fulfilling and grounding?
• If you were able to know that you would never lose the love and lifetime commitment of your partner No Matter What, would monogamy still be your first choice?
• Have you ever fantasized about adding a third person or another couple to your sexual escapades?
• How about falling in love with another person and still having an incredible marriage with your life-partner?
• How often do you want to have sex, ideally?
• Do you enjoy sex with your spouse?
• When you and your spouse are sexually intimate, do you feel that your needs get met?
• What about your need for emotionally intimacy?
• What about your needs for companionship?
• Do you feel that your spouse really gets you? Understands and supports who you are and who your want to be in this lifetime?
• If you could wave a magic wand and have any kind of relationship structure, and live any kind of lifestyle, with NO concerns or repercussions, what would you choose?
• Why did you fall in love with this person in the first place? What are their traits that you love/hate? Etc.
  

Once they'd told the truth to themselves, I'd ask them to share their desires with each other. Maybe they'd create a relationships that inspires them both, or maybe they'd divorce. Either way, they both deserve a loving relationship with a partner who wants, and chooses to live, a lifestyle that leaves them both fulfilled!

Besides the possible long-term impact on their children, the saddest thing is that it didn't have to go down this way. Why didn't Tiger tell her from the start that he wanted more, or call her when he noticed that he was considering acting on his impulses to see other women on the road?

Because our society makes that Wrong -- God forbid you tell the truth to your spouse if you're not saying the Right thing. Better you should lie about it, but when you get caught, we'll victimize you. Or maybe he just wanted what he wanted and stupidly thought that he could get away with it, or didn't care if he got found out... I'll not make him into a martyr here.

Either way, there's no room in our society to tell your spouse that you want to have additional relationships on the side, be it sexual or romantic, after you get married if you didn't mention it before the wedding bells rang. That mind-set has run it's course, and it's days are numbered. That's why I'm here.

I wish them the very best of luck in healing the hurts that brought about this break in communication and honor, and I hope they have the courage to create the relationships of their dreams... together or apart.


M. Makael Newby, 2009 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

Swinging vs. Polyamory: A description for novices

Apparently (I did not see the show), Oprah aired an hour-long show two days ago about sex & redefining monogamy. Yesterday morning, Kane, the host of Washington DC's HOT 99.5 morning show, held a big discussion and call-in session regarding the Oprah show, particularly that it ended with an (apparently polyamorous) married couple where the wife has a boyfriend.

People called in an uproar - How insane! That's begging for infidelity! This is where STDs get spread! - and other such inexperienced, fear-based comments (IMHO). But there was one caller, Dawn, who is considering adding sexual partners to her marriage, who was so well-spoken and grounded that Kane brought her back this morning to discuss it further. The following is my response to their interview, ported on Kane's page on the station's website.

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Regarding the conversation with Dawn, you are confusing two different lifestyles. What Dawn is describing is Swinging - having additional sexual partners outside of your emotional relationship.

This could entail any level of sexual activity from flirting and kissing to soft swap (which generally means no intercourse) to full swap (it's all good), and some partners insist on staying together (same room) while others play apart as a couple (different rooms at the same time) or apart individually (one may play with a single or couple and his/her partner is not involved).

Married couples do this, but so do dating couples, friends with benefits, and singles. And crossover occurs with the following lifestyle to all degrees possible, as we are all human.

NOW... The married couple on the Oprah show were Polyamorous - that involves having multiple significant Emotional relationships (the husband, the boyfriend, and the girlfriend). You need to make the distinction between emotional and sexual monogamy - they are not the same thing.

I know many polyamorous couples (yes, with children) and singles who have made this work for them. The range of relationships - imagine "my husband's girlfriend's husband" - is sometimes referred to as the poly web, and imagine how interesting it makes holidays!

I can say from experience that it requires an emotionally mature couple/person to live successfully in either of these lifestyles because you have to handle all of the fear, insecurity and jealousy that comes up when either seeing your partner with another person, or when acknowledging that they are emotionally excited about someone else. (I am a swinger - I want emotional monogamy from my partner, not sexual monogamy.)

The level of communication and trust required between partners is significant - are you willing to tell him/her how it really felt to watch them kissing (etc.) - that you were jealous, for example, even if it doesn't look good for you to admit that, and you know it's not what he/she wants to hear? AND, are you further willing to be responsible for your emotions - to accept it as true when he/she tells you that you are still the owner of his/her heart, and notice what interpretation and meaning you gave their kissing? If you are not willing to get responsible for the drama YOU create in your relationships, these are not the lifestyles for you.

AND, if you ARE, this can make your partnership stronger emotionally, harder to break apart, and FUN!

As for concerns of STDs, I will give you a 95% guarantee that active members of these lifestyles are more educated on sexual safety and practice safer sex measures with more consistency than your average college student, and even college graduate. Many of us will not play without condoms, it's simply a fact. As such, it no longer means anything about the person asking for or supplying the condoms and the emotional drama is removed, which is certainly safer.

Want to know more? Do a search on-line. There are lots of conversation groups, play clubs, and meeting sites that can help you get your foot in the door and get in touch with like-minded people. Not for you? Great! It is not for everyone.

Please let me know if I may be of more assistance, and thank you for the opportunity to offer clarification of this challenging issue.

M. Makael Newby, 2007 - All Rights Reserved

Swinger vs. Polyamorist mentality: An experiential distinction

I am not poly. For those who don't know, polyamory has occasionally been defined as having more than one significant romantic/emotional relationship at one time - for example: This is my husband, and that's my boyfriend. Let me restate, I am not poly. I thought I was mostly sure, but the recent break-up with my honey of 19 months had given me multiple opportunities to become certain of that fact.

Why? Because we are swingers. Swinging, again for those out of the know, is sharing your partners sexually, and to various emotional degrees, with other couples and singles. Yes, this can lead to groups, so bring on the orgy, eh? Sounds fun, but I've never been able to go there. But that's another post for another day.

R and I broke up almost 2 months ago. He's moving out this upcoming weekend. And while I know that my life will be easier when he's gone from my sight and my bed, there's a part of me that wishes he could stay. THIS is the part that knows I'm not poly.

We have both been playing with (read: having sex with) other partners since the breakup, and we've both gotten what we need out of the experience - he's back solidly into the SM scene (in ways I could never be, squick!), and I've had lots of great sex with (surprisingly) dominant men who've easily called forth my submissive response (which just never worked with R). I'm thrilled for both of us, as this has actually made it possible for us to rescue and strengthen our friendship, which was really important to me. It's the sleeping that's a challenge.

There's sleeping with someone and SLEEPing with them, I've found. I've no problems with my partner sleeping with another person - sex is just sex, fun for all, just be safe please and bring that happiness back home to me! But when he leaves my bed after fabulous afternoon sex, goes out for a while, then calls to say that he's not coming home tonight, he's going to stay at her place, something in me twinges. We're not a "couple", I have no reason to feel that way logically, I know, but a part of me says that this is still his bed and here, next to me, is where he should sleep. Damn, that's uncomfortable!

How do I know this makes me Not Poly? Because there is an intimacy to sleep that I am unwilling to share - a vulnerability that is not required during sex. As strange as it may seem, I want that to be Mine. And that is simply not the way poly relationships work.

So now he makes sure to let me know when he'll be out all night rather than just staying out. If I expect him back, I don't sleep, laying awake waiting to hear the door open. It's part of why we love these lifestyles - things come up emotionally that you didn't expect, or "have no right to feel", yet there they are, and you have to deal with them. It may not always be comfortable, but the lessons learned are invaluable. Yay, growth and development.

So it is certain - I am not poly. I AM submissive. I am not a masochist, nor am I a bottom. I AM a swinger. But I am not poly. And this is good to know.

M. Makael Newby, 2007 - All Rights Reserved.