Open Dating?

A high-school friend of mine saw my post about open relationships, and asked some questions. He's single, but thinks that dating with the intention of monogamy may not suit him. At least, it hasn't worked well so far. Let's take a look at the alternatives to traditional dating...

Traditional dating tends to be a period of time during which people have fun together, get to know each other, and determine if there is enough interest, chemistry, and/or compatibility to pursue a monogamous future together. But what if monogamy is not your goal?

I recommend that you be clear about that within the first two or three dates, if not during the very first one. If you don't ever see yourself committing to one single partner, your date deserves to know that, bearing in mind that your opinion could change. It could, and she should know that it may not.

If you intend to "date" more than one person at a time, it's up to you whether or not you out that fact to your dates. Dating doesn't have to be exclusive. It's totally valid to spend time with and enjoy multiple partners without an "it's only you" commitment. This gets trickier once you involve sex in the mix, as many people falsely associate sexual intimacy with an increased level of commitment.

Thus, if you intend to be sexually intimate with more than one partner at a time, clue them in to this little factoid BEFORE you engage in any bodily-fluid-swapping contact. I also highly recommend that you get yourself tested for STIs, know your partners' health statuses, and use barriers, like condoms and/or dental dams. Your dates deserve the right to NOT share you with other partners, so give them the chance to say No. Only when they have the opportunity to give you a full-informed No can they also give you a fully-informed Yes.

"Is there a relationship of sorts or is it strictly sexual?" he asks.

That entirely depends on what you and your partners want! You may choose to date several people for the purpose of having fun and sharing companionship, and date several other for the purpose of fulfilling sexual needs and desires. Or there may be cross-over... some dates are sexual, others are not. There is no right answer, or one right way, and you get to create your dating life in the way that inspires you!

"What is the other person usually seeking?"

That depends on the person. There are a lot of polyamorous people on OKCupid, for example. Some of them (like my husband) are looking for additional sexual friendships, and others (like me) are interested in adding new significantly romantic, emotional, and sexual relationships. The key is to know what YOU want, and then look for people who also want that.

"Is the other party typically single or are they married? If married what if the partner is cheating on their spouse? (Personal note: I don't condone that.)"

It could be either! I'm about to date a single man, who's also dating a female friend of mine, and I went on a lovely date last week with her husband. LOL! Thank goodness we're all mature adults! My husband is also enjoying a sexual friendship with a married woman, whose husband fell in love with someone else. Single or married - you could go either way.

I choose not to date (or fuck) people who are cheating on their spouses. I'm a very public person, and I'm not willing to expend the energy to Hide anything. AND, some married people feel that cheating is the only way to meet their physical needs while maintaining a happy marriage with their spouses. That's their call, not mine.

The key here? Know your own limits, and honor them.

That said, sometimes people lie. I received a call once from the wife of a man I thought was single... and wasn't that awkward?! Just do your best!

"Are there limitations or restrictions?"

Of course - I am limited to and restricted by my agreements with my husband. EX: If we have an agreement that oral sex on the first date is okay but penetrative intercourse is not - that's a limitation. Having intercourse on the first date would thus be considered Cheating.

My partners are also limited by my agreements with my husband, as they also have to walk that same line. NOTE: If I don't tell the truth about my agreements, and say Stop or No when I've agreed to stop, that's on ME - not them. They are not at fault if I break an agreement, or if we cross a line that I didn't know was a trigger for my spouse.

That said, if she tells you she can not have sex with you tonight, and then, after making out and getting all hot and bothered, says that it'll really be okay, really... Tough as it may be, I'd suggest that you honor her original response and politely decline. Leave her wanting more rather than potentially stepping across that boundary. Do not give her, or her spouse, the opening to blame YOU for her unwillingness to honor her agreements.

Ya get me? It's not worth the potential mess. If she wants you that much, she'll come back.

"Are they friends of the marriage/relationship or is it best kept separate?"

Again, that entirely depends! I know people who prefer a very private kind of poly... "You know that I'm going out with someone else, and that's all you need to know." My husband and I both prefer a very community-style type of poly... his new fuck-buddy is a developing girlfriend of mine, and he has met (and approved) both of the men I've gone out with. I could totally see us going out on a double-date sometime and having a blast! But would our dates be comfortable with that? Their preferences also matter.

It's important that your style matches with your partners. I would feel very left out if my hubby refused to tell me about his dates, or refused to let me meet and enjoy his new partners. And someone who prefers privacy could feel very confronted by being forced to meet their loved one's other partners.

So talk about it! Ask questions. Pose some What If's, and How would you feel If's. Do your best to know yourself, accept yourself, and start opening yourself to others, and remember - life is an adventure, right? There's no one way to ride that bull, so get out there and have some fun!



M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

Dealing with Jealousy

This is the third of three videos from my Non-Monogamy for the Novice workshop, this one discussing facing and dealing with jealousy.

What has been your experience with jealousy?

Honoring the Agreement

This is the first of three videos from my Non-Monogamy for the Novice workshop, this one discussing the difference between cheating and functional non-monogamy. Though honoring the agreement with your partner is here addressed within the context of a non-monogamous relationship, you'll find that it applies to any relationship of value.

What has been your experience with broken agreements? Was the honor restored, and if so, how?

Swinging vs. Polyamory: A description for novices

Apparently (I did not see the show), Oprah aired an hour-long show two days ago about sex & redefining monogamy. Yesterday morning, Kane, the host of Washington DC's HOT 99.5 morning show, held a big discussion and call-in session regarding the Oprah show, particularly that it ended with an (apparently polyamorous) married couple where the wife has a boyfriend.

People called in an uproar - How insane! That's begging for infidelity! This is where STDs get spread! - and other such inexperienced, fear-based comments (IMHO). But there was one caller, Dawn, who is considering adding sexual partners to her marriage, who was so well-spoken and grounded that Kane brought her back this morning to discuss it further. The following is my response to their interview, ported on Kane's page on the station's website.

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Regarding the conversation with Dawn, you are confusing two different lifestyles. What Dawn is describing is Swinging - having additional sexual partners outside of your emotional relationship.

This could entail any level of sexual activity from flirting and kissing to soft swap (which generally means no intercourse) to full swap (it's all good), and some partners insist on staying together (same room) while others play apart as a couple (different rooms at the same time) or apart individually (one may play with a single or couple and his/her partner is not involved).

Married couples do this, but so do dating couples, friends with benefits, and singles. And crossover occurs with the following lifestyle to all degrees possible, as we are all human.

NOW... The married couple on the Oprah show were Polyamorous - that involves having multiple significant Emotional relationships (the husband, the boyfriend, and the girlfriend). You need to make the distinction between emotional and sexual monogamy - they are not the same thing.

I know many polyamorous couples (yes, with children) and singles who have made this work for them. The range of relationships - imagine "my husband's girlfriend's husband" - is sometimes referred to as the poly web, and imagine how interesting it makes holidays!

I can say from experience that it requires an emotionally mature couple/person to live successfully in either of these lifestyles because you have to handle all of the fear, insecurity and jealousy that comes up when either seeing your partner with another person, or when acknowledging that they are emotionally excited about someone else. (I am a swinger - I want emotional monogamy from my partner, not sexual monogamy.)

The level of communication and trust required between partners is significant - are you willing to tell him/her how it really felt to watch them kissing (etc.) - that you were jealous, for example, even if it doesn't look good for you to admit that, and you know it's not what he/she wants to hear? AND, are you further willing to be responsible for your emotions - to accept it as true when he/she tells you that you are still the owner of his/her heart, and notice what interpretation and meaning you gave their kissing? If you are not willing to get responsible for the drama YOU create in your relationships, these are not the lifestyles for you.

AND, if you ARE, this can make your partnership stronger emotionally, harder to break apart, and FUN!

As for concerns of STDs, I will give you a 95% guarantee that active members of these lifestyles are more educated on sexual safety and practice safer sex measures with more consistency than your average college student, and even college graduate. Many of us will not play without condoms, it's simply a fact. As such, it no longer means anything about the person asking for or supplying the condoms and the emotional drama is removed, which is certainly safer.

Want to know more? Do a search on-line. There are lots of conversation groups, play clubs, and meeting sites that can help you get your foot in the door and get in touch with like-minded people. Not for you? Great! It is not for everyone.

Please let me know if I may be of more assistance, and thank you for the opportunity to offer clarification of this challenging issue.

M. Makael Newby, 2007 - All Rights Reserved

Swinger vs. Polyamorist mentality: An experiential distinction

I am not poly. For those who don't know, polyamory has occasionally been defined as having more than one significant romantic/emotional relationship at one time - for example: This is my husband, and that's my boyfriend. Let me restate, I am not poly. I thought I was mostly sure, but the recent break-up with my honey of 19 months had given me multiple opportunities to become certain of that fact.

Why? Because we are swingers. Swinging, again for those out of the know, is sharing your partners sexually, and to various emotional degrees, with other couples and singles. Yes, this can lead to groups, so bring on the orgy, eh? Sounds fun, but I've never been able to go there. But that's another post for another day.

R and I broke up almost 2 months ago. He's moving out this upcoming weekend. And while I know that my life will be easier when he's gone from my sight and my bed, there's a part of me that wishes he could stay. THIS is the part that knows I'm not poly.

We have both been playing with (read: having sex with) other partners since the breakup, and we've both gotten what we need out of the experience - he's back solidly into the SM scene (in ways I could never be, squick!), and I've had lots of great sex with (surprisingly) dominant men who've easily called forth my submissive response (which just never worked with R). I'm thrilled for both of us, as this has actually made it possible for us to rescue and strengthen our friendship, which was really important to me. It's the sleeping that's a challenge.

There's sleeping with someone and SLEEPing with them, I've found. I've no problems with my partner sleeping with another person - sex is just sex, fun for all, just be safe please and bring that happiness back home to me! But when he leaves my bed after fabulous afternoon sex, goes out for a while, then calls to say that he's not coming home tonight, he's going to stay at her place, something in me twinges. We're not a "couple", I have no reason to feel that way logically, I know, but a part of me says that this is still his bed and here, next to me, is where he should sleep. Damn, that's uncomfortable!

How do I know this makes me Not Poly? Because there is an intimacy to sleep that I am unwilling to share - a vulnerability that is not required during sex. As strange as it may seem, I want that to be Mine. And that is simply not the way poly relationships work.

So now he makes sure to let me know when he'll be out all night rather than just staying out. If I expect him back, I don't sleep, laying awake waiting to hear the door open. It's part of why we love these lifestyles - things come up emotionally that you didn't expect, or "have no right to feel", yet there they are, and you have to deal with them. It may not always be comfortable, but the lessons learned are invaluable. Yay, growth and development.

So it is certain - I am not poly. I AM submissive. I am not a masochist, nor am I a bottom. I AM a swinger. But I am not poly. And this is good to know.

M. Makael Newby, 2007 - All Rights Reserved.