In honor of Coming Out Day, I thought I'd share the most entertaining story of when I "came out" as kinky to my family.
I believe that it was Christmas day, possibly in 2004 or 2005, and if it wasn't Christmas day, it was damn close, and it makes a better story this way, so work with me here. By that point I'd already had my first Dominant boyfriend. He'd been a fiance, actually, and I had hinted about this or that to my parents. As an only child, we've always been very close, and it goes against my grain to keep major elements of my life hidden from them. Nonetheless, we'd not had a major conversation about it, as you can guess.
My Mom, step-Dad, and maternal Grandmother were visiting from Peoria, IL and we'd sat down after the gift giving and receiving, had a lovely meal, and were hanging about in the living room of my first house and generally chatting about life. I mentioned a course that I was taking, and the associated project I'd had an idea to create.
"It's a class, of sorts," I said, "a series of classes."
"What about?" they asked.
"Are you sure you want to know?" I asked, preparing to risk whatever response came my way.
They were, after all, guests in my very own house, and could return to their hotel room if it was just simply too much. I come from a fairly liberal family, pro-racial equality, gender equality, and anti-animal cruelty, so I was fairly sure that my Mom would take it in stride. My step-Dad and Grandma were the rogue factors.
"Of course," they replied.
"Well," I said, "It's called Pillow Talk, and it's a series of group discussions about sexuality that I'd like to get into the colleges. You know, what it means to be a sexual being, how much more is involved than the physical and biological aspects of it. One of the workshops is called '31 Flavors of Kink' and discusses all kinds of sex toys. Another one discusses alternative lifestyle choices like swinging and polyamory, and one discusses BDSM... do you know what that means?"
*Hold breath!*
"Um, no."
"Well, BDSM is an acronym for three different communities that cross-pollinate a lot - Bondage & Discipline, Dominance & submission, and Sadism & Masochism, which you've likely heard referred to as S&M," I said, launching into an esoteric education on the basic dynamics and elements of the BDSM world.
"Hmmm!" they said, expressing appropriate levels of polite interest and discovery.
Now came the personal plunge.
"I, for example, have recently come to discover a side of myself that is clearly submissive! In fact, I only made sense to myself and realized that I wasn't broken when I discovered that this is a valid lifestyle choice."
"Really?"
"Yes!"
"And what does that mean?" ASKED MY GRANDMOTHER!
"Well," I said, "it means that I particularly enjoy a dynamic with my romantic and intimate sexual partners where they are in control, and I may even be ordered to perform certain tasks on their command. Somehow, the giving up of control, or rather, relief from having it, provides something that is very satisfying to me."
"So how might that work?" ASKED MY GRANDMOTHER, again.
"Well, there are certain implements one might use..." I explained, and proceeded to discuss floggers, bondage, sensation play, role play, etc.
Perhaps 30 minutes later we took a break. Perhaps we took a snowy walk around the neighborhood to look at the lights - honestly I can't remember. What I DO remember is that later that evening, while I was washing the dishes, my grandmother popped her head around the edge of the doorway and said to me, "You are SO cool!" and then left the room again.
She sent me a letter a few weeks later, sharing with me the story of a time when my grandfather was traveling and another man had flirted with her, and possibly proposed a romantic interlude. The details remain unclear in my mind, and I'm satisfied to leave them that way. The point was that she saw something of herself in me, and to this day she continues to be one of my biggest fans.
My step-Dad continues to be proud of me for following my own path, as does my actual Dad. My Dad got a bit confronted a few years back when, during a camping trip together, I showed him how to daisy-chain the backpack rope like we do with bondage rope. BUT it provided an opportunity for him to share his concerns that I'm putting myself in dangerous situations, and for me to correct his misconceptions and alleviate his fears as much as an only daughter can. It is not something he chooses to discuss, ever, but I am not pressured to hide my life, and THAT is a gift.
So happy Coming Out Day to all who have, to all who will, and to all for whom it remains a fear. May your families surprise you with their love and acceptance, and may you accept Yourself, no matter their response.
Namaste.
M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com
Monday, October 11, 2010
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Polyamory - the ugly people's sex club?!
Peter, on 08 September 2010, posted a blog about his opinions on poly people all being ugly, choosing poly because we need to keep our options open and can't find that one right partner (more likely that they're out of our league). My response follows his blog.
PETER:
Well, that is certainly one judgmental way to look at things, particularly for one who's never met a poly person to whom he was attracted. Your opinion is... Yours, and you're entitled to it. So if you decide that I look like a walrus, you'll use that as justification to ignore the rest of what I'm about to say? Weak sauce. You can do better than that.
You are confusing Swinging with Polyamory, among other things. Here's a link to a blog I wrote in 2007 distinguishing the two.
As a core point, however, you believe in One True Love Who Can Meets All Your Needs (and, one must assume, ALL of whose needs you can also meet), and I do not. Nothing I have to say will change your mind, nonetheless, I'll make my points. (That stuff about us all being ugly is just puerile and not worth my response.)
As a relationship coach, and a non-monogamous woman who's wedding is one week from tonight, I entirely disagree with your view that one couple can (should?) be everything to each other, and that if you haven't found THAT person, than you've settled. In my experience, it takes extraordinary courage to truly admit to your passions and desires, and create a partnership that allows your needs to be met. That is NOT settling.
And while we're on that point... Are you single or married? If married and you believe that you've found that One person - Hooray for you! I sincerely hope that your (very high) expectations continue to be met. If single... perhaps you will find that one, someday. Keep looking for 10 more years, and then let's talk. And for your reading pleasure, I offer: Love in the Western World, by Denis de Rougemont.
In case you haven't noticed, the assumption of monogamy is not working... largely, IMHO, because it is often an Assumption instead of a Choice. We are so thoroughly inundated from a young age with the idea that monogamy is THE way for sex in a marriage that most people never stop to question whether or not that actually empowers, excites and works for them!
The facts are the facts: The divorce rate was 49% per the CDC in 2008. Infidelity is rumored to run around 60% for men and 40% for women, and to be on the rise among women (given the social stigma, it's VERY difficult to gain accurate data on infidelity). We SAY monogamy, we TALK about our 'one true partner', but that's not the way we live our lives.
Swinging and Polyamory, forms of functional non-monogamy, happen with the complete knowledge, awareness, and agreement of both parties in a committed relationship. This is the opposite if Cheating, which is defined by breaking agreements (specifically the assumed agreement of monogamy), hiding, and sneaking around. That's why cheaters get CAUGHT. Swingers and polyamorists don't get Caught because we've got nothing to Hide!
In fact, being this open about your authentic desires, and facing your own fears and insecurities (like jealousy), can create an extremely strong bond between partners. It can also teach you relationship skills that benefit every area of your life, and every type of relationship you have.
AND monogamy is a completely valid choice. For some people it works. As does celibacy. I'll make my choices, you'll make yours, and we'll each have our own opinions. Viva la difference!
M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com
PETER:
I’ve been suspecting something for a long time, so I’m just going to come out and say it.
I think that all these people that are into polyamory on the internet are all overweight and or ugly people that don’t want to die alone and so they want to get involved with one person, to stop that happening while leaving their options open because they realise that they’re settling for something.
I kind of think it’s like some weird ugly people sex club.
I think the only reason to keep your options open is because you think you’re settling for something or what you’re getting into isn’t exactly right for you. I think it’s entirely possible to have all your needs met by one person and if they aren’t then you settled before you found the right one.
Saying I want to have the ability to fuck other people, is essentially, exactly the same as saying.. I’m not going to be ok just fucking you for the rest of my life.
I think all of them would pack the polyamory thing in for the right person. It’s just, if my theory is correct, the right person for them (in their mind) is sadly out of their league.
I justify all of this, by saying I’ve never actually seen an attractive person that said they’re polyamorous.
I’ve seen a couple that have never actually been in a polyamorous relationship though, that said they’d be ok with it.. but I think that would all entirely change when their partner turned around and actually started banging someone else.
I think polyamory is the open, honest version of getting into a relationship and then cheating on your partner.
I think the root causes are the same. I think it’s all down to not having your needs met on some level, but like I said, I feel if that’s the case then you should be dropping the person you’re with and getting with someone that does meet those needs and not getting into a relationship and then continuing to look for that person while having a fall back plan incase it never happens.
So there it is.
I’m ok with someone proving me wrong however. It’s just I don’t think I am.
MAKAEL:Well, that is certainly one judgmental way to look at things, particularly for one who's never met a poly person to whom he was attracted. Your opinion is... Yours, and you're entitled to it. So if you decide that I look like a walrus, you'll use that as justification to ignore the rest of what I'm about to say? Weak sauce. You can do better than that.
You are confusing Swinging with Polyamory, among other things. Here's a link to a blog I wrote in 2007 distinguishing the two.
As a core point, however, you believe in One True Love Who Can Meets All Your Needs (and, one must assume, ALL of whose needs you can also meet), and I do not. Nothing I have to say will change your mind, nonetheless, I'll make my points. (That stuff about us all being ugly is just puerile and not worth my response.)
As a relationship coach, and a non-monogamous woman who's wedding is one week from tonight, I entirely disagree with your view that one couple can (should?) be everything to each other, and that if you haven't found THAT person, than you've settled. In my experience, it takes extraordinary courage to truly admit to your passions and desires, and create a partnership that allows your needs to be met. That is NOT settling.
And while we're on that point... Are you single or married? If married and you believe that you've found that One person - Hooray for you! I sincerely hope that your (very high) expectations continue to be met. If single... perhaps you will find that one, someday. Keep looking for 10 more years, and then let's talk. And for your reading pleasure, I offer: Love in the Western World, by Denis de Rougemont.
In case you haven't noticed, the assumption of monogamy is not working... largely, IMHO, because it is often an Assumption instead of a Choice. We are so thoroughly inundated from a young age with the idea that monogamy is THE way for sex in a marriage that most people never stop to question whether or not that actually empowers, excites and works for them!
The facts are the facts: The divorce rate was 49% per the CDC in 2008. Infidelity is rumored to run around 60% for men and 40% for women, and to be on the rise among women (given the social stigma, it's VERY difficult to gain accurate data on infidelity). We SAY monogamy, we TALK about our 'one true partner', but that's not the way we live our lives.
Swinging and Polyamory, forms of functional non-monogamy, happen with the complete knowledge, awareness, and agreement of both parties in a committed relationship. This is the opposite if Cheating, which is defined by breaking agreements (specifically the assumed agreement of monogamy), hiding, and sneaking around. That's why cheaters get CAUGHT. Swingers and polyamorists don't get Caught because we've got nothing to Hide!
In fact, being this open about your authentic desires, and facing your own fears and insecurities (like jealousy), can create an extremely strong bond between partners. It can also teach you relationship skills that benefit every area of your life, and every type of relationship you have.
AND monogamy is a completely valid choice. For some people it works. As does celibacy. I'll make my choices, you'll make yours, and we'll each have our own opinions. Viva la difference!
M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
The predictable future, and other mis-truths.
Well, we're now at T minus 15 days until my wedding, and 9 days until we leave for the East Coast. To say that this has been taking up my time would be accurate. Even a supremely small wedding like our, with only 14 adults and three children, involves flowers, and locations for family gatherings, and my dress and his clothes, and gifts for our families, and officiants and licenses, hair and make-up, a photographer, etc. But that's not the only thing that's been on my mind, and probably not the major thing. I've largely been up against my metaphysical paradigm. Let me explain...
I was a good human child. I took the domestication, and I dove right into the Midwestern Work Ethic with which I was raised. Life works a certain way, I learned - work hard, really hard; put in your time; pay your dues; and suck it up - sometimes we have to do things we don't want to do. Contribute to society by being such a hard worker, until you've established enough of a financial base to retire, which you're only allowed to do when you reach the age of 70 or so. Then, and only then, do you get to relax and thoroughly enjoy your life.
Yeah, yeah, so I created myself as being Retired NOW, and that has provided some freedom from the Push Push Push & Hard Work that was a major reason I left Washington DC. But my internal conversations about "money" continue to be the monkey on my back, and I've come to realize something even more dangerous - even more insidious - something I learned that has caused me an extreme amount of fear and anxiety over the years.
I've been taught that I should be able to predict the future.
I have been taught that having a job that pays me money on a regular interval allows me to accurately forecast my future. I can "make plans" because I know what money is coming in when, and how I'll be able to pay for things... right? Well, maybe not. I have seen payment for services rendered NOT get paid - sometimes to the order of $20K. My previous tenant, who's boss vouched that he would always have a job, lost his job when the company closed in 2009. I have also seen unexpected checks, refunds, and work opportunities show up out of the blue.
The truth, it seems to me, is that the future is completely unknown - a mystery in which anything could happen at any time. A comet could hit the planet, an earthquake could raise a new underwater mountain and thus raise sea levels, or I could receive $20K from a generous admirer. ANYthing could happen.
If that's the case, what's the point in worrying about HOW things will play out in the future? How will I pay for the training I want to take, for the conference I want to attend, for Q's unexpected $16K hospital bill. What if this doesn't happen, and that occurs, and what if... It's all a mental masturbation... and even worse, a Negative Future Fantasy. (Thanks, Barb Wade, for such a great term!) The future is entirely unknown, and it's going to happen the way it will happen. I trust myself to deal with emergencies when they occur, knowing that "I should have known better" is a lie. The simple fact remains that in THIS moment everything is fine!
This has led me to another paradigm-shifting realization that the laws that govern My universe may not be the laws that govern Yours. When I allow myself to listen deeply to my own inner guidance, what shows up is a world in which my job is to follow what calls me - to follow my interest and attention - and, in fact, to have faith that by doing so I'll be in flow and be taken care of. THIS is what resonated with me as Real, as True.
That this way of living goes directly against everything I've learned about struggle and suffering and sacrifice - well, that's where I've been challenged lately. I flip flop between clearly knowing what actions to take, and taking those in faith, and judging myself for not taking the actions that the old paradigm says I "should" take - even if they don't inspire me. Life is blissful when I clearly hear the guidance, and as soon as it goes silent my old ways creep back in.
I feel like I'm being called to rewire my entire personal hard drive, and I know that I'm not alone.
So that's where I've been over the last month plus! A little bit here, a little bit there, sometimes inspired and led, sometimes in tears of frustration, judging myself harshly, and often grateful for the challenge. :)
As ever, I look forward to sharing the journey with you!
M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com
I was a good human child. I took the domestication, and I dove right into the Midwestern Work Ethic with which I was raised. Life works a certain way, I learned - work hard, really hard; put in your time; pay your dues; and suck it up - sometimes we have to do things we don't want to do. Contribute to society by being such a hard worker, until you've established enough of a financial base to retire, which you're only allowed to do when you reach the age of 70 or so. Then, and only then, do you get to relax and thoroughly enjoy your life.
Yeah, yeah, so I created myself as being Retired NOW, and that has provided some freedom from the Push Push Push & Hard Work that was a major reason I left Washington DC. But my internal conversations about "money" continue to be the monkey on my back, and I've come to realize something even more dangerous - even more insidious - something I learned that has caused me an extreme amount of fear and anxiety over the years.
I've been taught that I should be able to predict the future.
I have been taught that having a job that pays me money on a regular interval allows me to accurately forecast my future. I can "make plans" because I know what money is coming in when, and how I'll be able to pay for things... right? Well, maybe not. I have seen payment for services rendered NOT get paid - sometimes to the order of $20K. My previous tenant, who's boss vouched that he would always have a job, lost his job when the company closed in 2009. I have also seen unexpected checks, refunds, and work opportunities show up out of the blue.
The truth, it seems to me, is that the future is completely unknown - a mystery in which anything could happen at any time. A comet could hit the planet, an earthquake could raise a new underwater mountain and thus raise sea levels, or I could receive $20K from a generous admirer. ANYthing could happen.
If that's the case, what's the point in worrying about HOW things will play out in the future? How will I pay for the training I want to take, for the conference I want to attend, for Q's unexpected $16K hospital bill. What if this doesn't happen, and that occurs, and what if... It's all a mental masturbation... and even worse, a Negative Future Fantasy. (Thanks, Barb Wade, for such a great term!) The future is entirely unknown, and it's going to happen the way it will happen. I trust myself to deal with emergencies when they occur, knowing that "I should have known better" is a lie. The simple fact remains that in THIS moment everything is fine!
This has led me to another paradigm-shifting realization that the laws that govern My universe may not be the laws that govern Yours. When I allow myself to listen deeply to my own inner guidance, what shows up is a world in which my job is to follow what calls me - to follow my interest and attention - and, in fact, to have faith that by doing so I'll be in flow and be taken care of. THIS is what resonated with me as Real, as True.
That this way of living goes directly against everything I've learned about struggle and suffering and sacrifice - well, that's where I've been challenged lately. I flip flop between clearly knowing what actions to take, and taking those in faith, and judging myself for not taking the actions that the old paradigm says I "should" take - even if they don't inspire me. Life is blissful when I clearly hear the guidance, and as soon as it goes silent my old ways creep back in.
I feel like I'm being called to rewire my entire personal hard drive, and I know that I'm not alone.
So that's where I've been over the last month plus! A little bit here, a little bit there, sometimes inspired and led, sometimes in tears of frustration, judging myself harshly, and often grateful for the challenge. :)
As ever, I look forward to sharing the journey with you!
M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com
Friday, July 9, 2010
Early Retirement
I am now retired.
It's not what you may think.
I've discovered that I have an inner mechanism that connects work with survival. The way that shows up is that any time I take something I love doing - such as teaching partner dancing or coaching - make it a job (something that pays me money), and attach to it my financial well-being, it becomes Work, thus a matter of Survival, and all of the joy gets sucked right out of the experience. I begin to feel pressured, dominated by "what it takes to survive," and flip-flop between working until I drop or resisting so hard that it gives me a headache and puts me to bed! It's not effective, by any stretch of the imagination.
So I've declared myself retired!
Now, as a retired person, I get to spend my time doing activities that I love. This includes cooking, vacuuming, doing laundry and generally taking care of our household. It includes taking care of and playing with our animals! It also happens to include looking for a part-time job in a guest services/patient care environment where I can once again be part of a team (which is something I miss as a solo-preneur), talking with bookstores about carrying my book, presenting workshops and having extraordinary conversations that make a difference in people's lives.
Basically, everything that I was doing before... because I love it, not because it may pay me. Couterintuitive as it may seem, now that the pressure is off, there's a freedom to actually get things done... to let the joy drive me, and actions I've resisted taking for months have been completed in the last several days. Being retired also gives me the space to Stop Working and enjoy the weather or watch the dogs play. I'm retired, after all!
Yes, there will be bills to pay, and I will find a way to pay them. This is a simple fact of life! AND I plan to enjoy my retirement. Why wait 20 more years until society says it's okay?! I'm starting now!
M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - http://www.mmakaelnewby.com
It's not what you may think.
I've discovered that I have an inner mechanism that connects work with survival. The way that shows up is that any time I take something I love doing - such as teaching partner dancing or coaching - make it a job (something that pays me money), and attach to it my financial well-being, it becomes Work, thus a matter of Survival, and all of the joy gets sucked right out of the experience. I begin to feel pressured, dominated by "what it takes to survive," and flip-flop between working until I drop or resisting so hard that it gives me a headache and puts me to bed! It's not effective, by any stretch of the imagination.
So I've declared myself retired!
Now, as a retired person, I get to spend my time doing activities that I love. This includes cooking, vacuuming, doing laundry and generally taking care of our household. It includes taking care of and playing with our animals! It also happens to include looking for a part-time job in a guest services/patient care environment where I can once again be part of a team (which is something I miss as a solo-preneur), talking with bookstores about carrying my book, presenting workshops and having extraordinary conversations that make a difference in people's lives.
Basically, everything that I was doing before... because I love it, not because it may pay me. Couterintuitive as it may seem, now that the pressure is off, there's a freedom to actually get things done... to let the joy drive me, and actions I've resisted taking for months have been completed in the last several days. Being retired also gives me the space to Stop Working and enjoy the weather or watch the dogs play. I'm retired, after all!
Yes, there will be bills to pay, and I will find a way to pay them. This is a simple fact of life! AND I plan to enjoy my retirement. Why wait 20 more years until society says it's okay?! I'm starting now!
M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - http://www.mmakaelnewby.com
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Relationship Tip - Responsibility (=Power)
As a relationship coach, you might be tempted to think that my intimate partnerships are handled, worked out, or problem-free. NOT SO, my friend!
I recently went through a major breakdown with my fiance that shook us to the very foundation of our coupledom. I'm holding back on the detailed content - the 'he said - she said' of the matter, because, in truth, that's not the point. In brief, he violated one of our core agreements with each other... he lied. Not once, but multiple times over several days about the same topic. He convincingly lied to my face even when I asked, "Is everything handled? Are you sure you've got it covered?"
All of this ugly finally hit the fan as he was driving me to the airport last Wednesday in preparation for a presentation and conference in San Francisco, and sure enough, as with most reports on infidelity, it wasn't the subject about which he lied that ultimately bothered me - it was the lying itself. But I had to leave town before the issue could be resolved! What was I to do? I had to teach a class that night, and a disappointed, exhausted, and frustrated instructor does not create a safe space for the sharing of her attendees!
The solution looked like this...
Step One - I wrote a letter to him on the plane, and said what I needed to say, much of which got cut from the final version once I'd calmed down. The hurt, the upset, the frustration... it all needed a voice. To have held it inside of me would have made it cancerous, emotionally if not physically. The blame, the anger, the victimization (EX: How could you do that to me?!)... I let it all out onto the page where it couldn't hurt anyone. I coughed up that emotional hairball until I'd said it all and my pulse had slowed again.
Step Two - I acknowledged that I was viewing it as Wrong that he had lied to me. Setting aside my judgment of the matter, the fact remains that he did what he did, said what he said, and didn't do what he didn't do. None of that is inherently right or wrong but that I SAY its so, so if that is one of the aspects of my annoyance, it behooves me to let it go. The past is the past, and there's no changing it. Unless I wanted to take all of that anger and frustration back, I'd best look for a way to regain my power.
Step Three: The hardest part - I took a deep, long look for how I was responsible for the way it went down, and here's what I saw...
I KNEW. Deep down inside of me, I knew that something was not right, that something was off in his/our world. Sure, I asked him if everything was okay, but his response did not feel right to me, and I stepped over it. I chose the less confrontational approach of "Okay, then. Just checking, thanks!" instead of trusting my own instincts and calling him out.
Now, here's the point... It would have been very easy for me to blame the whole situation on him. He's the one who lied, who didn't keep his word to me, or to himself for that matter. I did my part, right? I asked the question! It's not my fault if he lied to me... but to maintain that view leaves me the victim of the situation. 'Poor me, he lied to me and broke his promise to tell the truth.' It's not very empowering, and it provides no access for me to choose a different path in the future.
By identifying that I had not been responsible for honoring my own instincts, I reclaimed my power and created a lesson from which I could benefit. In this case: Trust My Instincts, and Be Willing To Have The Uncomfortable Conversation.
We are back in a very good place now. He is on track, and our wedding plans are coming together. I am neither holding a grudge nor anticipating the next time that it might happen. The likelihood that it will happen again is, let's face it, moderate. But I will listen to and trust my instincts, have the difficult and uncomfortable conversation, and be prepared to discover another lesson in the process!
So the next time you're tempted to blame someone else, ask yourself, "How am I responsible?"
M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com
PS - I have my fiance's total permission to share about him and our life together in my blog and newsletters. He hears all of my entries before they are posted. :)
I recently went through a major breakdown with my fiance that shook us to the very foundation of our coupledom. I'm holding back on the detailed content - the 'he said - she said' of the matter, because, in truth, that's not the point. In brief, he violated one of our core agreements with each other... he lied. Not once, but multiple times over several days about the same topic. He convincingly lied to my face even when I asked, "Is everything handled? Are you sure you've got it covered?"
All of this ugly finally hit the fan as he was driving me to the airport last Wednesday in preparation for a presentation and conference in San Francisco, and sure enough, as with most reports on infidelity, it wasn't the subject about which he lied that ultimately bothered me - it was the lying itself. But I had to leave town before the issue could be resolved! What was I to do? I had to teach a class that night, and a disappointed, exhausted, and frustrated instructor does not create a safe space for the sharing of her attendees!
The solution looked like this...
Step One - I wrote a letter to him on the plane, and said what I needed to say, much of which got cut from the final version once I'd calmed down. The hurt, the upset, the frustration... it all needed a voice. To have held it inside of me would have made it cancerous, emotionally if not physically. The blame, the anger, the victimization (EX: How could you do that to me?!)... I let it all out onto the page where it couldn't hurt anyone. I coughed up that emotional hairball until I'd said it all and my pulse had slowed again.
Step Two - I acknowledged that I was viewing it as Wrong that he had lied to me. Setting aside my judgment of the matter, the fact remains that he did what he did, said what he said, and didn't do what he didn't do. None of that is inherently right or wrong but that I SAY its so, so if that is one of the aspects of my annoyance, it behooves me to let it go. The past is the past, and there's no changing it. Unless I wanted to take all of that anger and frustration back, I'd best look for a way to regain my power.
Step Three: The hardest part - I took a deep, long look for how I was responsible for the way it went down, and here's what I saw...
I KNEW. Deep down inside of me, I knew that something was not right, that something was off in his/our world. Sure, I asked him if everything was okay, but his response did not feel right to me, and I stepped over it. I chose the less confrontational approach of "Okay, then. Just checking, thanks!" instead of trusting my own instincts and calling him out.
Now, here's the point... It would have been very easy for me to blame the whole situation on him. He's the one who lied, who didn't keep his word to me, or to himself for that matter. I did my part, right? I asked the question! It's not my fault if he lied to me... but to maintain that view leaves me the victim of the situation. 'Poor me, he lied to me and broke his promise to tell the truth.' It's not very empowering, and it provides no access for me to choose a different path in the future.
By identifying that I had not been responsible for honoring my own instincts, I reclaimed my power and created a lesson from which I could benefit. In this case: Trust My Instincts, and Be Willing To Have The Uncomfortable Conversation.
We are back in a very good place now. He is on track, and our wedding plans are coming together. I am neither holding a grudge nor anticipating the next time that it might happen. The likelihood that it will happen again is, let's face it, moderate. But I will listen to and trust my instincts, have the difficult and uncomfortable conversation, and be prepared to discover another lesson in the process!
So the next time you're tempted to blame someone else, ask yourself, "How am I responsible?"
M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com
PS - I have my fiance's total permission to share about him and our life together in my blog and newsletters. He hears all of my entries before they are posted. :)
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
A New Alternative to a Bitter Divorce or an Unfulfilling Partnership
Pursuant to my blog on collaborative divorce, I thought it important to let you know that I've recently announced the launch of my signature 7-Step Coaching System that teaches couples who are facing challenges to make loving, empowered decisions to either revitalize their bond or to end it respectfully. Working together, committed partners will learn how to get honest, step forward, take risks, and make empowered, authentic decisions to create the powerful and passionate union of their dreams – whether together or apart.
While I still offer ongoing coaching sessions for both couples and individuals' specific desires, the Marital Arts 7-Step System is the culmination of years of study and experience in the realms of interpersonal communication, relationship navigation, and sexual expression, and grows directly out of my mission that all people live the intimate relationships that inspire them.
Beginning with a 2-hour Comprehensive Assessment that supports the couple in clearly identifying their challenges, taking ground in addressing them, and creating a vision of their desired outcome, I will then custom-craft a process designed to deliver the modules that best meet the couple's needs.
The Seven Marital Arts Modules include:
1) Communication Skills: Listening, Speaking & Interpretation
2) The Dark Sides: Shame, Jealousy, Guilt, Anger & Fear
3) Core Values, Expectations & the Morality Conundrum
4) Partnership, Roles & Love Languages
5) Sex, Love, Intimacy & Sexuality
6) Relationship Purpose & Mission Statement
7) Negotiation & Agreements
Outcomes from the Marital Arts program include:
· Designing and achieving a life that aligns with your most heart-felt priorities.
· Enhanced compassion and forgiveness for yourselves and your partners – both past and present.
· Effective, loving, and genuine communication tools for decision-making, negotiating and conflict resolution.
· Reinvigorated lives with greater joy, passion, love and connection.
· A new enthusiasm and anticipation about the future.
For a limited time, you are invited to engage in a COMPLIMENTARY CONSULTATION to explore where you’re at in terms of relationship and intimacy, what may or may not be working, and what you truly desire to create for yourself. Know what’s possible, and see the simple steps that will take you there! (And there are no strings attached!) You and your partner(s) can also take my FREE Relationship Assessment Quiz at MMakaelNewby.com. Whether partnered or single, just click on the offer!
Lastly, it’s your referrals that allow me to get to do what I love. Please share this offer with those you know whom my services may benefit. I truly need your help to create a world of empowered, inspiring relationships! Thank you!
I can be reached at makael@mmakaelnewby.com, 540.623.9542 and toll-free at 1.866.928-7856. My workshops, videos and newsletter are all visible at MMakaelNewby.com.
“Makael is very attentive to stated goals and skilled at maintaining focus in the discussion. She offers practical advice that when followed brings the desired results. I have benefited from her experience and grown as a person because of her dedication to her clients.”
- Frank Albert, Evergreen
“I really appreciate the coaching you gave me a few months ago... I've been openly poly for about six months and am experiencing more love and intimacy (not just sex) than ever.... thank you!”
- Chad, Denver
“He knew I’d been on the phone, and I offered that you were doing coaching with me around my sexuality. He asked if there was anything I'd like to share, so we talked! Yay! It was so much easier than I thought it would be. Thank you!”
- Sherry, Peoria
“I really found value in your Relationship Tip of the Month: Responsibility (= Power). We’ve also been going through a tough time and your article really hit home for me. I found it honest and empowering. Thanks for sharing your life's experiences!”
- Chris, Cleveland
“Your Tip of the Month: Purpose made my first marriage make sense and took away my fear for another relationship that could be as intense. It was so healing for me! Thank you for your newsletter!”
- Chetna, Washington DC
--
M. Makael Newby
Relationship Coach, Author, Presenter, Sexuality Consultant
Ph. 540.623.9542 or Toll Free 1.866.928.7856
Helping open-minded and inquiring people create fulfilling, lasting and juicy relationships in all areas of their lives, particularly their sex lives.
Offering a 7-Step Coaching System that helps couples facing challenges who want to make loving, empowered decisions to revitalize their bond or to end it respectfully.
The Website - www.mmakaelnewby.com
The Blog - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com
The Book - www.myeroticadventure.com
Portland Meet-up - www.meetup.com/RelationshipChoice
Twitter @msmakael
M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com
While I still offer ongoing coaching sessions for both couples and individuals' specific desires, the Marital Arts 7-Step System is the culmination of years of study and experience in the realms of interpersonal communication, relationship navigation, and sexual expression, and grows directly out of my mission that all people live the intimate relationships that inspire them.
Beginning with a 2-hour Comprehensive Assessment that supports the couple in clearly identifying their challenges, taking ground in addressing them, and creating a vision of their desired outcome, I will then custom-craft a process designed to deliver the modules that best meet the couple's needs.
The Seven Marital Arts Modules include:
1) Communication Skills: Listening, Speaking & Interpretation
2) The Dark Sides: Shame, Jealousy, Guilt, Anger & Fear
3) Core Values, Expectations & the Morality Conundrum
4) Partnership, Roles & Love Languages
5) Sex, Love, Intimacy & Sexuality
6) Relationship Purpose & Mission Statement
7) Negotiation & Agreements
Outcomes from the Marital Arts program include:
· Designing and achieving a life that aligns with your most heart-felt priorities.
· Enhanced compassion and forgiveness for yourselves and your partners – both past and present.
· Effective, loving, and genuine communication tools for decision-making, negotiating and conflict resolution.
· Reinvigorated lives with greater joy, passion, love and connection.
· A new enthusiasm and anticipation about the future.
For a limited time, you are invited to engage in a COMPLIMENTARY CONSULTATION to explore where you’re at in terms of relationship and intimacy, what may or may not be working, and what you truly desire to create for yourself. Know what’s possible, and see the simple steps that will take you there! (And there are no strings attached!) You and your partner(s) can also take my FREE Relationship Assessment Quiz at MMakaelNewby.com. Whether partnered or single, just click on the offer!
Lastly, it’s your referrals that allow me to get to do what I love. Please share this offer with those you know whom my services may benefit. I truly need your help to create a world of empowered, inspiring relationships! Thank you!
I can be reached at makael@mmakaelnewby.com, 540.623.9542 and toll-free at 1.866.928-7856. My workshops, videos and newsletter are all visible at MMakaelNewby.com.
“Makael is very attentive to stated goals and skilled at maintaining focus in the discussion. She offers practical advice that when followed brings the desired results. I have benefited from her experience and grown as a person because of her dedication to her clients.”
- Frank Albert, Evergreen
“I really appreciate the coaching you gave me a few months ago... I've been openly poly for about six months and am experiencing more love and intimacy (not just sex) than ever.... thank you!”
- Chad, Denver
“He knew I’d been on the phone, and I offered that you were doing coaching with me around my sexuality. He asked if there was anything I'd like to share, so we talked! Yay! It was so much easier than I thought it would be. Thank you!”
- Sherry, Peoria
“I really found value in your Relationship Tip of the Month: Responsibility (= Power). We’ve also been going through a tough time and your article really hit home for me. I found it honest and empowering. Thanks for sharing your life's experiences!”
- Chris, Cleveland
“Your Tip of the Month: Purpose made my first marriage make sense and took away my fear for another relationship that could be as intense. It was so healing for me! Thank you for your newsletter!”
- Chetna, Washington DC
--
M. Makael Newby
Relationship Coach, Author, Presenter, Sexuality Consultant
Ph. 540.623.9542 or Toll Free 1.866.928.7856
Helping open-minded and inquiring people create fulfilling, lasting and juicy relationships in all areas of their lives, particularly their sex lives.
Offering a 7-Step Coaching System that helps couples facing challenges who want to make loving, empowered decisions to revitalize their bond or to end it respectfully.
The Website - www.mmakaelnewby.com
The Blog - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com
The Book - www.myeroticadventure.com
Portland Meet-up - www.meetup.com/RelationshipChoice
Twitter @msmakael
M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com
Monday, June 28, 2010
Collaborative Divorce
Collaborative Divorce is an interdisciplinary, non-lawsuit style of ending a marriage that relates to divorce as a personal relationship issue that happens to have legal attachments.
Started by lawyer Stuart Webb in Minneapolis in 1990, the parties are encouraged to communicate what is important about an issue rather than arguing for a specific position or solution. It requires, therefore, that the married couple be committed to working with and not against each other in order to achieve results.
Both parties and their attorneys sign a Participation Agreement stipulating that the attorneys will remove themselves from the divorce proceedings should they fail to reach a negotiated settlement. The couple agrees not to begin litigation during this process, to act in their children's best interests, and that all communications will be constructive and fair, among other agreements.
It is not the same as divorce mediation, in which the mediator is a neutral party. In collaborative divorce, although working together to achieve a negotiated settlement, the attorneys are not neutral. Each lawyer provides his or her client with independent legal advice.
This is clearly a gift for families with children, as it limits the likelihood of an extensive, bitter battle the likes of which can leave lasting scars. Medicine Hat, Alberta was one of the earliest cities to take advantage of this new approach such that family cases in their courts were reduced by 85%.
For the couple willing to manage their emotions and think about their future relationship to their former spouse, collaborative divorce offers a less-expensive, friendlier approach to dissolving your marriage.
Started by lawyer Stuart Webb in Minneapolis in 1990, the parties are encouraged to communicate what is important about an issue rather than arguing for a specific position or solution. It requires, therefore, that the married couple be committed to working with and not against each other in order to achieve results.
Both parties and their attorneys sign a Participation Agreement stipulating that the attorneys will remove themselves from the divorce proceedings should they fail to reach a negotiated settlement. The couple agrees not to begin litigation during this process, to act in their children's best interests, and that all communications will be constructive and fair, among other agreements.
It is not the same as divorce mediation, in which the mediator is a neutral party. In collaborative divorce, although working together to achieve a negotiated settlement, the attorneys are not neutral. Each lawyer provides his or her client with independent legal advice.
This is clearly a gift for families with children, as it limits the likelihood of an extensive, bitter battle the likes of which can leave lasting scars. Medicine Hat, Alberta was one of the earliest cities to take advantage of this new approach such that family cases in their courts were reduced by 85%.
For the couple willing to manage their emotions and think about their future relationship to their former spouse, collaborative divorce offers a less-expensive, friendlier approach to dissolving your marriage.
Sources:
www.collaborativedivorce.net
www.nocourtdivorce.com
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Collaborative_law
M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com
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