Friday, December 25, 2009

Happy Holidays! Equality, anyone?

Happy Christmahanukwanzasol! I'll be taking a blogging break while I meet my inlaws-to-be in NJ. You'll hear from me again in January. In the meantime, may 2009 wrap up nicely for you, and I wish you all a 2010 that brings you your deepest longings and the life of your dreams.

BUT before I go -- I tried to donate blood yesterday, "tried" being the dominant word. Let me share my thoughts about the experience.

Yay for the Red Cross, particularly all of their volunteers. They do work without which many people each year would die. Thanks! On the other hand, I have an issue with their policy of discrimination and blanket exclusion.

Discrimination, you say?

YES! Let me explain.

One of my formerly regular sexual partners had a boyfriend when he was in high-school in the 80s-90s. I have no problem with this - he's been FULLY tested clean and has already donated over a gallon of blood to the Red Cross. And so, when answering the Red Cross questionnaire, I told the truth.

Have I had sex with a male who has had sex with another male since 1977? Yes.
Was my last sexual contact with this partner within the last 12 months? Yes.

On this basis alone, I was DENIED the opportunity to donate blood.

Now, I understand the reason for their policy. They're trying to protect their blood supply and limit the potential number of false-negatives during testing, and thus the number of people mistakenly infected with a blood-borne illness as the result of emergency transfusion.

But their logic is faulty.

In the early 2000s, can they really claim that the gay male population is at greater risk for HIV and hepatitis and other sexually transmitted diseases than the publicly-declared straight population?

If you've had sex with a male who's had sex with a male, you are denied. But what if you've had sex with a male who's lied to you? What if he's been sneaking around and having unprotected male/male sex without telling you? And what if he's been having unprotected male/female sex without telling you?! In this day and age, women are just as likely as men to be carrying an undiagnosed illness, aren't they? (Especially while this myth of the biologically dangerous gay male is promoted.) People can lie about their sexual preferences as well as their past experiences, and so can their partners, and thus, everyone's sexual past must be viewed with suspicion.

IMHO, no single individual, unless they've been tested 3 months ago, and celibate or unfaultingly protected every day since, can declare their status with absolute faith. For the Red Cross to deny a whole section of the population the opportunity to provide such a service is an act of bigotry. It's illogical, wasteful, and it costs lives that could otherwise be saved.

Do I have a solution? No. There IS no solution. Their mistake is in thinking that their currently policy allows them to screen the blood supply and reduce their likelihood of mistaken infection. It does NOT. There is nothing but Testing that can make such a determination, and it is my opinion that the Red Cross should welcome all possible donors, and increase the rigor of their testing if what they really want is to serve the greatest percentage of the population and safeguard the lives of those they serve.

(There's a whole other blog I could write here about it being societally unsafe for people to tell the truth about their sexual histories and practices, but we'll save that for another day.)

Q and I will be voicing our dissatisfaction with this policy. If you would like to do the same, please call the Donor Care & Response Center at 1-800-737-0902 and tell them you have an issue with the Donation Criteria.

In the meantime, be safe, people. Keep your wits about you out there, be responsible for your own actions, and be aware of the actions of others. Enjoy your lives and your loved ones, and be grateful for what you've got. We're all in this together.


M. Makael Newby, 2009 - All Rights Reserved -

Monday, December 21, 2009

News blast!

The final (new & approved) cover for My Erotic Adventure is complete. This means that the book itself should be available by January 2010!

The final price point will be $14.95 through AuthorHouse, my publisher; $20.95 through Amazon or Barnes & Noble (the only current authorized resellers, although I'm in conversation with some local and national book shops); or $10.95 through AH. The following link takes you to the page at AH...

Additionally, I read three pages live on the air yesterday on Portland's Sex Talk. You can listen to the podcast on the Workshops page of my website at, or download or stream content at:

Hold onto your britches, or -- in keeping with the book -- drop 'em! The real fun is about to begin...

Happy holidays, everyone!

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

The Tiger on Trial

Wow, the media is having a scandalous blast with the marriage infidelities of Tiger Woods. I flipped through the pages of a recent US Weekly whose headlines pointed to Elin Nordegren's distress and confusion over what to do next. Did they have any quotes from the source? No, of course not.

Now I read that she's moving out, and hear that he's taking at least a year off of the golf circuit... honestly, I just wish the media would lay the hell off and give this couple a chance to work things out together - whichever way they choose to go.

Truthfully, I feel sorry for them both. In my opinion, nether one is the bad-guy in this situation. Admittedly, I have no idea what went on in the privacy of their home and hearts - AND NEITHER DO YOU. It's easy to project our own history and experiences, to fill in what we don't know with what we suspect, or with what makes sense given the little that we've heard, but we don't know the full truth, neither does ANYONE at this point, and I think the popular media is giving them the short end of the stick... and beating them with it.

End tirade. Begin sensible feedback. If they were my clients, here's where we'd start...

There's a lot of cleaning up to do here. Lies have been told, expectations unfulfilled, agreements broken, and the word "betrayed" likely applies to Elin's emotional perception. First, I think that Tiger needs to come clean with Elin and tell her the whole truth - every ugly, hurtful, unpleasant kernel. The more details that remain to show up unexpectedly and surprise her, the worse it gets for them both. Coughing it up now is the best thing he can do.

The hardest part (or one of them) would be for Elin to listen to what he has to say without storming out of the room in a backlash of emotion. How many women; who they are/were; what he did with them; what he told them about her/about his feelings; whether or not he used condoms and/or other measures to avoid pregnancy; what he told himself to justify his actions; how he felt each time he came home/spoke with her on the phone/lied; etc... she needs to know it all. But once she knows it all, she knows it all, and there's no longer anything else to fear. That is a very powerful place to stand, and I'd suggest that she grab it.

Additionally, I would remind Elin that Tiger's actions have nothing to do with HER, his actions are about HIM. Easily said, right? But that's true for all of us, all of the time. I am a fully-functioning, adult human being, and I bear ultimate responsibility for my actions because I have something called Choice and an ability called impulse control. Tiger chose to cheat and to hide (I SO wish he hadn't), and actions have consequences. But they are his choices and his actions, and as a sane adult, he doesn't get to blame them on her, and neither should she.

Look, I don't know what went on in their home... How was their sex life? Has parenting changed their desires? How long was he gone at a stretch? How did they connect intimately over the distance? Was he happy in their monogamous relationship when they got married, or did he agree because it was expected of him? Did they ever discuss other options? We just don't know, so I'd advise everyone who's not them to stop blaming and get a grip.

Oops, I slipped into the tirade again... back to the matter at hand.

But on that note, while it's supportive to have a family that's always on your side, I'd advise Elin not to buy into the story that she married a monster who should be punished, no matter what her family and friends say. Theirs are not the voices of reason, and may not lead to her ultimate happiness.

And now it's Elin's turn to say everything that there is for her to say at this point -- how she's felt over the last many months (did she suspect?) and since finding out; her thoughts; her feelings; her fears; Everything. It doesn't have to be pretty or nice, or even responsible. She can blame and name-call and say whatever's on her mind until she's said it all.

In hearing this, I'd ask Tiger to put aside all defense and listen from the perspective that this is what's true for her right now. Listening to her possibly hurtful comments doesn't mean that they're True, it means that this is how she feels right now, and that's valid. Our actions have impacts on others, and it's time to find out what he's wrought. The biggest gift you can give someone is to hear them, and she deserves that, particularly right now.

So let's assume that Tiger has now told the truth and that Elin has allowed herself to hear it without taking it personally. He's heard her thoughts and feelings about the matter, and nothing remains unsaid between them. He did what he did, and didn't do what he didn't do. The same goes for her, and there's no changing the past. It might take some time and a lot of work to get there, but let's assume that they've stuck it out to this point.

The next question in my mind becomes, are they willing to consider building a new relationship that honors them BOTH? Is the love they've shared worth that consideration? It may or may not be. Being willing doesn't mean that they promise to stay together, only that they're willing to look newly, to ask and answer the hard questions, and then to choose whether they are ultimately compatible as life partners. They may not be, or they could create a relationships that far exceeds what they ever dreamt was possible. Only they can make that determination.

Now, every individual is different, and coaching always follows the client's agenda, so it's unlikely that my conversations with them would directly follow the path I've laid out above. Nonetheless, as a specialist in non-traditional relationships, here are some of the questions I'd love to pose to them separately...
  • Is sex with only one partner a concept that feels right to you? Deeply fulfilling and grounding?
  • If you were able to know that you would never lose the love and lifetime commitment of your partner No Matter What, would monogamy still be your first choice?
  • Have you ever fantasized about adding a third person or another couple to your sexual escapades?
  • How about falling in love with another person and still having an incredible marriage with your life-partner?
  • How often do you want to have sex, ideally?
  • Do you enjoy sex with your spouse?
  • When you and your spouse are sexually intimate, do you feel that your needs get met?
  • What about your need for emotionally intimacy?
  • What about your needs for companionship?
  • Do you feel that your spouse really gets you? Understands and supports who you are and who your want to be in this lifetime?
  • If you could wave a magic wand and have any kind of relationship structure, and live any kind of lifestyle, with NO concerns or repercussions, what would you choose?
  • Why did you fall in love with this person in the first place? What are their traits that you love/hate? Etc.
Once they'd told the truth to themselves, I'd ask them to share their desires with each other. Maybe they'd create a relationships that inspires them both, or maybe they'd divorce. Either way, they both deserve a loving relationship with a partner who wants, and chooses to live, a lifestyle that leaves them both fulfilled!

Besides the possible long-term impact on their children, the saddest thing is that it didn't have to go down this way. Why didn't Tiger tell her from the start that he wanted more, or call her when he noticed that he was considering acting on his impulses to see other women on the road?

Because our society makes that Wrong -- God forbid you tell the truth to your spouse if you're not saying the Right thing. Better you should lie about it, but when you get caught, we'll victimize you. Or maybe he just wanted what he wanted and stupidly thought that he could get away with it, or didn't care if he got found out... I'll not make him into a martyr here.

Either way, there's no room in our society to tell your spouse that you want to have additional relationships
on the side, be it sexual or romantic, after you get married if you didn't mention it before the wedding bells rang. That mind-set has run it's course, and it's days are numbered. That's why I'm here.

I wish them the very best of luck in healing the hurts that brought about this break in communication and honor, and I hope they have the courage to create the relationships of their dreams... together or apart.

M. Makael Newby, 2009 - All Rights Reserved -

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Fetlife - Sit on Santa's Lap!

This is a short-lived opportunity to win some fabulous kinky gear from Fetlife's advertisers. Corsets, sex-toys, kinky tools... have you been naughty, or really naughty?! Follow the link to register for your top three prize choices.

Good luck and Happy Kinky-Sexy Holidays!

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Ultimate Fellatio Tip #3 - The Rotating Twist

Today we'll discuss a move I call The Rotating Twist. It belongs to the fabulous part of a blow job called The Hand Job, which is an art in it's own right. Nonetheless, I find that some good hand skills can make a blow job even better, so here we go...

This is a fairly simple trick that can be done with one or two hands, whatever the size of your partner's shaft will allow. If working with one hand, wrap your fist around the base of your lover's erect penis. Rotate your fist either clockwise or counterclockwise (whatever feels right) as you slide your fist up toward the head of the penis, and then reverse direction as you slide back down. Rotate and up, reverse rotate and down, repeat, repeat, repeat. Simple!

If working with two hand widths of male material you get to bring in the twisting action by rotating your hands in opposite directions as you raise and lower them. For example, right hand rotates clockwise and left rotates counter clockwise as you slide from the base to the head of his shaft, reverse rotate as you slide down and repeat.

It's like wringing water from a wet towel, so perhaps I should call this The Rotating Wring, but that's just not as catchy.

Add your lips and tongue to the head of his dick while your hands work their magic, et voila!

Try it out and post your reviews on my blog!

M. Makael Newby, 2009 - All Rights Reserved -

Friday, December 4, 2009

Hot or Not? Language in Erotica.

Given that I may have the opportunity to perform a live 5-minute reading of my book next Friday night, it seems like a good time to direct our inquiry toward erotica.

Language - the most common medium of communication, and truly one of the only methods that's effective over a distance.

Notice how our language may change depending on our audience? At work we may use jargon to quicken the process. For example, "A composite on distal buccal #2," is dental jargon for a composite resin filling on the back and cheek-side corner of the 2nd top right molar from the back of your mouth. Say
that five times fast!

For many of us, the language we use with our family is difference than the language we use among our friends - and there's nothing wrong with that! A group-specific way of speaking enhances our social bond and the feeling of belonging.

But what about erotica? If I tow the line of tame, no one will want to read it, but if I jump off the cliff of raunch, people will be turned off. The challenge is to appeal to the widest variety of readers without becomming too bland for anyone to enjoy. Let's discuss four variations of erotic language...

  • Cum vs. Come? I had always thought that cum was the accurate term for the act of having an orgasm, and also for the associated fluid produced, and so much sexier than ejaculate. But recently I came across a discussion online about this very term, wherein some people expressed a loathing for the word cum! They were turned off by it and found it crass, low, or pedestrian. What's an author to do? Besides the occasional spurt, squirt and spray, I chose to use "cum" - you can't please them all.
  • His throbbing manhood... Admit it, you've probably read at least one cheap and sexy romance novel that used this phrase, and I'm no exception. The choice of wording might correspond to the emotional atmosphere of the scene - at a romantic moment, phallus may be too clinical and cock too raunchy. Dick, penis, wonder wand... get creative.
  • Meow! Pet the pussy. The female genitalia has so many enjoyable parts. Pussy, snatch and yoni seem to imply the overall package, whereas labia, lips, vagina, clit, pink pearl, or honeyed love tunnel indicate specific areas. You can only use the same term so many times in a paragraph without getting repetitive, so again, get creative instead.
  • This or It vs. My? When inviting or demanding oral sex, a woman might say "Lick this clit," or, "Lick it," while lifting her skirt, or "Lick my clit." There is an emotional difference in taking ownership of the body part by using the possessive MY and objectifying the body part with IT or THIS. I particularly like being objectified, but not everyone does, so I varied the language depending on the scene.
Which raises the question... How do you like to be spoken to? What do you like to say and what do you like to hear? Love muffin? Sexy bastard? You fuckin' cum-slut? This is a discussion that can bring immediate spice into your bedroom antics. Enjoy!

M. Makael Newby, 2009 - All Rights Reserved -

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Dealing with Jealousy

This is the third of three videos from my Non-Monogamy for the Novice workshop, this one discussing facing and dealing with jealousy.

What has been your experience with jealousy?