Chivalry & Service in the "Modern" Era

I recently read an inquiry regarding the view of Chivalry within the LGBTQ community. I, of course, am unable to reply on behalf of that community, given that I identify only as bi-sensual and spend much of my time with generally straight-leaning kinksters. Nonetheless, I found the inquiry irresistible! And BEHOLD... my response.

I'll start from a clear definition of Chivalry:

chiv·al·ry
1. the sum of the ideal qualifications of a knight, including courtesy, generosity, valor, and dexterity in arms.
2. the rules and customs of medieval knighthood.
3. the medieval system or institution of knighthood.
4. a group of knights.
5. gallant warriors or gentlemen: fair ladies and noble chivalry.
6. Archaic . a chivalrous act; gallant deed.

Which leads me to Chivalrous, which is, I believe, the heart of what you're describing:

chiv·al·rous
1. having the qualities of chivalry, as courage, courtesy, and loyalty.
2. considerate and courteous to women; gallant.
3. gracious and honorable toward an enemy, especially a defeated one, and toward the weak or poor.

Now, everything I say from herein is my opinion, based on my experience and education, and largely an open inquiry given that I KNOW I don't have the final answers. So here I go, and I'm a bit of a writer, so please forgive the length of this response...

Consider that a desire to be chivalrous may have less to do with one's biological gender or sexual orientation and more with the level of masculine or feminine energy (or association). Given that we each have both within us, how might the following apply to the LGBTQ community? If the masculine has evolved to protect and provide for the feminine, might chivalry be a naturally masculine act? Might it be naturally feminine to receive? Masculine and feminine are, again, energies that we each flow between in this context, having nothing to do with one's sexual biology or orientation.

Consider then that feminism has done a disservice to many of us. (That's right, I said it.) In the fight to make available to women more options in the workplace and rights in the world, the option of remaining OUT of the workplace got devalued. Accordingly, I was raised that I should be strong, capable, and independent, and not NEED anyone to do anything for me. Make my own money, pay my own way, buy my own house... basically do it all myself. Which lead to stepping into the role of protector and provider and dwelling in my masculine energy most of the time.

I'm good at providing for others, because I'm also very service oriented (and I'll come back to Service shortly), and it is exhausting for me to constantly provide for myself. It's all providing with no receiving - YUCK! It has only been in the last year that I've begun to allow myself to want want I want, which is to dwell in my feminine as often as possible. And when I do allow the masculine to protect and provide for me, and I receive it graciously, my life gets much easier!

IMHO, there can be a two-way exchange in the providing of chivalry. The returning side is called Appreciation. It has also been referred to in this thread as graciousness. I understand that it may not be expected by the chivalrous provider, and you cannot deny that it feels good. Here's the challenge for the "modern" individual (raised in the feminist era)...

If we return to the definition of Chivalrous, you'll see "gracious and honorable toward an enemy, especially a defeated one, and toward the weak or poor." Accordingly, an individual raised in the mindset of "I shouldn't need anything from anyone" may perceive a chivalrous act as an implication that they are defeated, weak, or poor, thus requiring defensiveness and posturing to prove otherwise. Sigh - there's little room for gratitude when defending.

I believe there is a crossover between Chivalry and Service. Since the definition of Service comes down to "providing a helpful act," certain chivalrous acts could also be viewed or performed as acts of service, such as opening doors for people, taking a lady's/gentleman's coat, helping someone carry something. Perhaps it depends on intention...?

For ME, Service is something I provide, Chivalry something I receive. The idea of receiving service makes me balk, it turns my world upside-down in a disturbing way, and when I think of Being Chivalrous it feels like stepping into my masculine energy (which for me is being manly). I can perform the same function from my feminine energy by Being of Service. Hmmm, interesting!

How do you relate to Chivalry and Service?

M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved - http://www.mmakaelnewby.com

Lessons From My Divorce, Part 2 - Success

Success is often judged by comparing what was real to what was possible. Give that up and you've got an opportunity to have learned something!

At the notice of a divorce or break-up, it's common to hear that someone's relationship has failed. It certainly feels true enough... My marriage ended, and I'm sad, and disappointed. So I ask myself, "Did my marriage fail?" Somehow, the answer I keep returning to is, No. Here's why...

At the core of this feeling of failure is my expectation for how I thought my relationship would progress. I thought that my marriage would last "forever." I wouldn't have gotten married if I'd thought otherwise! My intention to create a mutually loving and satisfying relationship has been thwarted. In comparison to what I believed was possible for my marriage, this divorce is a failure.

But is an empowering life built on comparison?

When I remove the comparison of what was real to what was dreamt and imagined, I am left with only the facts of what WAS. The facts are that (despite our best intentions and significant efforts) neither of us was able to be whom the other needed us to be; we both behaved in ways that weren't productive; and the end result of our day to day interaction was largely stressful, painful, and destructive.

Those are the facts, and that is a relationship that I am happier and healthier for being without.

From that place of clarity, I can get curious about the lessons available to me out of the experience of my marriage. One of these lessons is that I am NOT reliable to know whether or not my significant, intimate relationships have the possibility of longevity! I always think they're going to last forever! I almost always believe that we will surmount any challenge... until we don't. I am a true believer in the power of love and partnership, and a hard-working optimist at heart. I love that about me, and I get to be responsible for the consequences... like a lack of healthy cynicism. Sigh!

Sad and disappointed vs. happy, healthy and curious. Where would you rather dwell?

Now, I'm not saying that my sadness is invalid. By all means, my sadness is real, and I will allow myself the time and space to mourn the loss of what we had envisioned together. But, through my tears, I know that I'm mourning something imagined. The experiences that had us fall in love and commit ourselves to a marriage were real, and they still exist in my memory, and in my heart. They have not been lost.

And that, in itself, is a blessing. I would not give those memories back... We loved, and laughed, and wondered at the world, relished our surroundings and each other's company, and experienced both joy and magic. How could I declare that a failure?



M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved - http://www.mmakaelnewby.com

New NATIONAL Tele-Class on Boundaries & Needs!

Are you frustrated? Upset? Resentful? You may have a violated boundary or an un-met need!

A boundary is defined as a line that marks the limits of an area, a division point, if you will, between one thing and whatever is not that. When applied to our interpersonal relationships, a boundary might be drawn between acceptable behavior and what's not acceptable, between what we will tolerate and what we won't. And yet, few of us are ever directly challenged to examine and clearly identify our boundaries, which creates an opening for all kinds of unconscious mischief with ourselves and others.

Undistinguished boundaries are often discovered when they get crossed. Everything's moving along smoothly and all of a sudden we're upset! What now? Or, if a boundary is regularly disrespected, we might find ourselves feeling resentful without a clear understanding of why. Is it me? It is them? Am I being unreasonable? Why can't I just get over this?

We train our partners and friends how to behave around us. With each interaction, we show them how to interact with us, what will be accepted and what will not, how we'll let them speak to us, etc. So if it's a major problem for you that your partner yells at you when he or she is angry, but you stick around and let it happen over and over again, the one disrespecting your boundary is YOU, and no one else can honor your boundary if you do not.

The solution is to take the time to examine our boundaries and needs, and do our personal work to honor them in the future, which includes effectively communicating them to our potential and/or existing partners.

This three part tele-class consists of:

• 3.75 hours of group coaching (regularly over $150)
  
• The E-Harmony Must Haves and Can't Stands List
• The Relātive Creātive Boundary Worksheet
• The Relātive Creātive Need Worksheet
• Additional limited email coaching support as needed between classes.

At the end of the process you will have created ten Personal Agreements in a go-to document that will help you stay honest with yourself. When you're upset, this is the first place to look!

During this class you will learn to:

• Recognize the Red Flags when a boundary is in jeopardy.
• Identify and honor the consequences for another of crossing your boundaries.
• Compassionately communicate your boundaries and needs.
• Know when your needs are being met, and show appreciation!
• Create a mutually satisfying partnership!

It all starts with YOU!

Class times are on Wednesdays at 6 PM PST / 9 PM EST. Soon after you register, you'll receive the conference call details and your Prep Work documents. The class begins as soon as you're ready!

Session #1: November 16th

Session #2: November 30th
Session #3: December 7th

Since this is the maiden voyage of this fully-formed tele-class, I'm offering a one-time reduced rate of only $45/person, payable by check or through Paypal, with a limited class-size of twelve participants. To register, click the following LINK.

Your partners cannot read your mind, and your boundaries and needs remain invisible until you make the effort to distinguish them. Do yourself and your loved ones a favor, and make this class a priority!


M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

Lessons From My Divorce, Part 1

It's alright, I understand. Go ahead and say it... "A relationship coach who's getting a divorce? Isn't that a contradiction?"

The answer is no. It's always easier to see what's going on in someone else's relationship than in our own - our eyes do point outward, after all - and a coach has no personal investment or attachment to the details of your life. But I sure do have emotional attachments to my own life, which clutters up the view screen and then some! The best we can do is respond as authentically and responsibly as possible when new information comes to light. This may be a sudden occurrence or realization, or something that has been building for months or years. We do the best we can with the data we have in each moment.

Well, I have new data to share!

My relationship with my husband, Q, has always had some challenges. Being people who do not subscribe to the "one partner should meet ALL of my needs" point of view, we made every effort to outsource the needs that weren't getting met by our partnership. The surprising truth is that our adventures in polyamory - engaging in multiple sexual and romantic engagements - had nothing to do with the breakdown of our marriage! In fact, it allowed us to stay together longer by allowing us to Choose the key issues in our relationship. Of our top issues, communication was in a race for the lead.

If you've read past newsletter or blogs, you know that we've struggled with very different styles of communication. I process out loud, Q thinks before he speaks. My processing drives him mad, his method has felt like an unbearable restriction to me. He's come from a win/lose paradigm, while I've been trained to seek the win/win. He told me how he needed me to speak to him, and how to listen to him, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't seem to master it. Does anyone else relate to this?

If I believed in luck, I'd say that I was lucky to have the opportunity to put myself into a course called Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women only three weeks after we decided to divorce. This course is only for women, and I knew that this work was about empowering men and women in their relationships with one another. So I settled into my seat hopeful about what I'd get, and certain that MY soon-to-be-ex was a strange enough bird that most of their concepts wouldn't apply to him. What I learned blew me away.

Q is a man. Now, of course, I already knew this, right? I was not a virgin bride, and yes, clearly, he's a man. But what I mean is that he's also NOT a woman in that Men do not speak, hear, act, process their thoughts and feelings, prioritize or receive stimuli like Women. The physiological differences are apparent, but the sociological, mental and emotional ones are less so, and I was surprised to discover that my ideas of what a man was bore a striking resemblance to how I know myself to be, as a woman. I mean - we're all People, right? Well, yes, but also no...

I was further shocked to learn that I had been engaging in all kinds of emasculating and undermining thoughts and actions with Q. I thought I was being helpful by offering to help him keep his word, meet his deadlines, remember the details he needed to manage, and generally act in the world like the person I thought he'd said he wanted to become, etc. But I was often busy being "the better man" in our relationship. Have you ever heard yourself say, "I need a wife?" Yep, that's something to look at. And sure enough, everything they told me about how to communicate with a man was how Q had asked me to communicate with him.

Now - I did NOT want to admit that he was right about ANYthing, so to see clearly how I had contributed to the anger, frustration and tension between us really pissed me off! But there it was - undeniable. When one can appreciate the natural design of Men, the possibility of allowing oneself to be a Woman arises, as well as the dance of partnership that can result. Embracing that possibility was much more appealing than being Right.

So I apologized to Q, and acknowledged my mistakes. I also started practicing speaking to him in the way that they taught me, and I'll tell you this... It is the only way that he can hear me clearly. I do it my way and I get annoyance, anger, and blame. I do it their way and I get understanding, patience, and agreement. Forgive my language, but HOLY SHIT! You cannot imagine my surprise, quickly followed by my own piss off that I've taken over 700 hours of personal development work and never yet been taught this information. Grrrrr...

Accordingly, I'm taking ALL of the PAX (Latin for 'peace') coursework, or which CMSW is a part, and will continue to share with you as I learn more about how to create exceptional relationships that allow men to be Men and women to be Women. NOTE: These lessons may not fit every man and woman 100%. I've discovered that Q needs this kind of communication style at a level that I'm not willing to master. I am WAY too high energy for him, and I bring too much intensity to my interactions. It fries his receivers. To moderate myself down to the level that would work for him on a daily basis would feel crippling to me, and it's not something I'm willing to take on any longer. I tried, I failed, and it's not my path. However, I now have a tool that works when it's really important that he be able to hear me, and that's priceless. I also have a new understanding of who I can be in a relationship, and THAT is inspiring!

To learn more about Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women, visit www.understandmen.com. There's also a course for woman and men entitled Understanding Women! I always thought there was something wrong with me that I was so exhausted after spending a full day at the office focusing on one task at a time, or that my mind wanders occasionally when I'm with my partner, even during sex. Am I broken? No, I'm a Woman! You have no idea how different we can be, and when you can appreciate the natural design of a Woman, more peace becomes available.

I am so enthusiastic about the PAX coursework that I'm considering studying to teach their workshops. I really want to expand the sphere of influence that this work has. If I had taken this course before we married, things would have gone VERY differently. Accordingly, if YOU decide to take one of their classes or purchase one of their CDs, books, etc., please provide my affiliate number, which is 554149.

Lastly, I want to apologize to all of my gender-queer peeps. This post has largely been based on traditional Man/Woman stereotypes. Would this support you in your relationships? I don't know, and I'm going to have this conversation with other participants and keep listening for the difference it might make for you.

Lessons From My Divorce, Part 2 will discuss the importance of holding and honoring one's boundaries.



M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

Our Exorcism

This blog entry may seem off-topic from most of my entries, so skip it if you're a kink, poly and relationship purist! ;)

Nonetheless, it's true - my husband and I performed an exorcism of our house this morning. Or rather, we performed one or more rituals to exorcise from our house whatever dark energies have been feeding on and impacting us for the last several months.

Now, I don't usually put much stock in these things. I may use the word "God," but to me it means 'some higher benevolent universal energy or intelligence.' I don't believe in traditional depictions of Jesus, Heaven or Hell, or in Evil, for that matter. I consciously choose to believe in reincarnation, because that empowers me to do what I'm doing here on this planet NOW. And, it's a conscious choice, not a matter of blind faith.

In general, as a recovered Atheist, I also don't believe in blind faith! I listen to my heart, though, and follow what feels right to me. It has led me on some amazing adventures, and into a life I never imaged. But that's not the point right now... Do I believe in ghosts? Sometimes, it entertains me to do so. Have I ever seen one? I don't think so. Have I seen evidence of some unexplainable stuff? Ah-yup. So let's say that I'm open to unconventional explanations as long as they feel right or resonate with me.

Now, I'll admit, our relationship wasn't perfect before we got married - we are human, and each have our own triggers, and our own histories and indoctrinations to manage. (Is a relationship between two human individuals ever truly Perfect for more than a few seconds here or there? Maybe during simultaneous orgasms... *wink!*) Nonetheless, we were managing them successfully, and were present to our deep love, commitment, and partnership with one another. Then we got married, and things slowly began slipping.

He got more and more violent, more paranoid, likely to rage out at one misconstrued phrase, and more likely to blame me for "everything that's wrong." I became more easily triggered as well, more defensive, snippy, and jumpy. I became a victim in my heart, extremely reactive, and descended into a swirl of confusion... "Should we remain married?" "Am I broken?" "Is this hopeless?" "Can I handle this?" "Should I leave? or Should I stay?!" and "What would happen to our animals?!"

Now, if you've known me in person, then you know that THIS is not me! I am NOT a timid, scared, victim, doubting my own ability to make a difference with myself or anyone else, and that finally hit home two nights ago.

I crawled into bed next to Q and said something about what's been going on, and he said, "I seriously don't think this is US. Whatever we've been processing, it's not OURS."

And just like that - the fog of oppression lifted, and I saw a star in the sky of my mind, the glimmer of hope and the promise of restoration. And I got ferocious in reclaiming what is truly MINE.

I said, "NO KIDDING! This is NOT ours, not You, and not Me! I've never experienced this before, and this wasn't us in Colorado. Hell, if this IS us, we're out, because this is intolerable. But I don't think this is ours..."

And Q said, "I think there's something in the house."

Here's what you should know about our house... it was a meth house before our landlord bought and renovated it. And here's something else of interest - Q went through the worst suicidal depression of his entire life in Oct./Nov. 2009, during the first 8 weeks he lived here. When we look back, the abuser/abused patterns we've been playing out really hit home after we got married in Sept. 2010. Since then, I've twice been overcome by the emotions and reactions of someone's who's been sexually abused, and that's not me. (see blog entry of Dec. 2010 for an account of the first such instance) WTF?!

So this morning we exorcised from the house whatever energies were hanging on and expressing through us. I'll save you the details of the ritual we enacted and simply say that I still smell like sage smoke. But here's what else I can say...

1) The word "husband" has completely changed resonance in my mind and heart. Yesterday it was flavored with "trapped," "baggage," heaviness and concern. Today it has been restored to "something to be proud of," "badge of honor," "partner," and a very light feeling of faith.

2) The air is clearer. I now walk from room to room with a clear mind, without the mental fog of frustration and confusion to which I'd become so accustomed.

3) I'm less defensive. EX: I was listening to a menu on the phone when Q started talking to me, and I reflexively shushed him loudly, which he hates. He added an F-bomb to his response. I'd have gone into a world of justified "not fair" and "undeserved" yesterday. Today I simply said, "Hey, you don't need to swear at me." And that was IT. That's ALL it was, with no defensiveness.

4) I'm harder to trigger! Besides the above example, Q didn't turn off the coffee maker after filling his cup this morning. Yesterday I'd have seen that and thought, "ARGH! Again? Why can't he remember such a simple thing?! How often do I have to point this out?!" etc. Today it was, "hunh," and then I turned it off. DONE. He also said he'd take out the recycling when he left today. He didn't. I saw it and thought, "Oh well. We'll do it later." No harping, blaming, growling, or dramatic sighs involved. Yay!

THIS is the me that I fondly and lovingly remember. This is an opening to reclaim the relationship, and the marriage, that I enjoy. (because I certainly have NOT enjoyed what we've been through!) AND I am grateful for the lessons we've learned and the processing we've done in the meantime. That said, now it's time to reclaim Our shared light, which is sizable, and banish the darkness.

Be gone! See ya! Buh-bye!


M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

The 'Rules' of Communication

Over the last year or so, my husband and I have had some challenging miscommunications. He's accused me of being disrespectful ~ I'm not even sure what that means. He's accused me of being defensive ~ I say that I'm just sharing a different point of view. I perceive him as impatient ~ he says that I never get to the point. Recently, however, we've realized what's been happening. The key lies with the training we received from our families of origin.

I'm referring here to the spoken or unspoken expectations for communicating in the family in which you were raised.

• How did you have to speak to be heard? Loudly? Softly? Passionately? Persuasively?

• How did you have to organize your thoughts in order to be accepted and validated? Stream of consciousness? Logical progression?

• How did you have to behave or act to be respected? Deferential? Confrontational?

• Was interrupting always allowed, never allowed, or only under certain circumstances?

• How were disagreements handled, and what did you do when you wanted to convince someone of something?

In order to gain the approval of our parents, and survive within the family structure, we must learn our parents' rules. To be truthful, however, given that these rules are often unspoken, the best we can do is to glean our own perception of them. No two siblings are likely to have adopted a matched set of expectations. Additionally, being a rebellious youth makes no difference. Whether we follow them or flaunt them, we are still acting in relationship to our perception of 'The Rules.'

I propose that this training, as long as it remains undistinguished as such, becomes an invisible context for all communication within our lives - largely unconscious rules that we observe or reject almost unerringly, and by which we reflexively judge others.

For example, Q was raised in a household with a military father. When it came to the realm of interpersonal communication, he perceived his parents' primary directive as follows: Silence is Golden. What this meant was:

1) If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.

2) Think silently before you open your mouth to respond.

3) Get immediately to the point.

Anything else was considered a sign of disrespect. Additionally, unspoken within this construct was the understanding that the person on the lower side of the power dynamic (EX: Child has less power than Parent) could never win - they could only survive without losing.

On the other hand, the only child of an English professor, I grew up in a household in which I perceived the primary rule for communication as: Understand & Be Understood. This meant that successful disagreements followed a logical progression:

1) Explain your thought process so people can understand how you arrived at your current position.

2) Ask and listen to understand how others arrived at their current positions.

3) Identify the misunderstanding that caused the upset in order to avoid the same mistake in the future.

The result of this process was the agreement that no one was wrong - it was just a misunderstanding or a learning opportunity - so everyone wins in the end.

Perhaps you can see the inherent disconnect between these two approaches! One of us gets upset and I start explaining my reasoning and asking about his. Since I didn't think silently first, and I'm clearly not getting to the point, this is seen by Q as a sign of disrespect. However, the inquiry IS the point in my world, and a sign of respect in itself since I'm searching for a way we can both come out winners. The more I inquire and explain, the more he perceives defensiveness, which he's driven to exploit so that he can gain control of the power dynamic and be the one who wins.

Yikes!

All hope is not lost, however. Recognizing our Rules has given us some leverage against them. Q is now able to realize, during some arguments, that I don't intend any disrespect and to modify his emotions accordingly. I have been able, on occasion, to keep my mouth shut while he's silently processing his response as an intentional sign of respect, knowing how important that is to him. It's not perfect, and it has made an appreciable difference.

Are either of our background contexts likely to change dramatically? Probably not. They're deeply ingrained, automatic, and I actually like my method! It works beautifully with most of the people I've known. However, sometimes it runs me instead of the other way around, compelling me to ask more questions and explain my position when understanding what happened is really not the most pressing matter.

As with all areas of life, the more conscious I can become, the more control I'll achieve over my reflexive reactions. When I'M the one in charge of my response, my partners get to communicate with the real me, and my relationships benefit. The best I can do for now is to keep practicing!

M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

Full-Bodied Fellatio: Mouth Skills

Excerpt from Mouth Skills:
"Suction – In order to practice suction, we’ll work with your fingers, so choose one to suck on. Put your finger into your mouth and get a good lip seal so that you get nice, tight suction when you suck on it like a straw. You’ll know it’s right because your cheeks will suck in. Next, practice maintaining the feeling of suction as you move the length of your finger in and out of your mouth. Keep that lip seal!

Now see if you can work your tongue against your finger – around the sides and flicking back and forth across the tip – while maintaining suction. Yes, it will be different on a penis – a penis has greater girth (or width). Accordingly, feel free to practice this technique on travel-sized shampoo bottles, or anything with larger width and a fairly smooth texture. (A rough texture or wavy surface could get in the way of your lip lock.) I hope it’s a given that you’ll practice on a dildo. Just wash it first!"

More mouth, tongue, cheek, lip and teeth tricks available through the Web Store at www.mmakaelnewby.com.


M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com