Thursday, May 24, 2012
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Friday, May 18, 2012
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Copyright, 2012 - M. Makael Newby - All Rights Reserved
Thursday, May 10, 2012
"Downhill" in that I fell for him, fairly hard. "Fairly" in that I only got to see him every other week, due to his co-parenting responsibilities, that we knew we were coming to this relationship from disparate backgrounds (Him: old-fashioned Southern gentleman married for 19 years; Me: alternative sexuality educator, recently divorced after a short marriage), and that there was always a question of whether or not we'd find "enough" common ground.
Nonetheless, we're both what he calls "love bombs" - complete lovers and givers - and we co-created a feedback loop of sensual, loving touch, fully-expressed and adventurous sex, curiosity, open communication, and spoiling one another that transformed my experience of how a relationship could be. He gave me the chance to Allow myself to be spoiled by another, and to give completely to someone safe, and that is a gift. I hope he hasn't spoiled me TOO much. :)
You see, I expanded his horizons so much that when he recently visited his ex-GF, for the first time since we'd met, and told her all about us and our adventures, she at first recoiled. Then, she thought it was hot, and they ended up in bed together. (Which, on it's own, is so not a problem for me, though I'd have wished to know about that possibility in advance.) And now, rather than exploring his D/s potential with Me, he's going to investigate what's possible with Her. *sigh*
Now, to be fair, this happened on the very same day that I told him that I need to also date explicitly Dominant men to discover how much D/s I need. We were both sad, uncertain of whether or not his traditional mind could handle me romantically dating other men. Two hours later, however, he'd made his peace – so much so that he took me in front of the living room picture window in the most D/s sexual act we'd ever performed together! I was thrilled, and tingling for the rest of the day. I had renewed hope, and was VERY excited to continue our D/s experimentation together.
Alas, it seems that he'll be taking that experimentation elsewhere - not because HE wishes to stop seeing me, but because SHE cannot handle him seeing us both. They're wondering if the kind of openness and experimentation that I brought to his life is part of what was lacking between them before. He has to find out or he'll always wonder.
Here's the funny...
He now (finally) understands how someone could be poly.
If it hadn't been for me, he wouldn't be back together with her.
Accordingly, I'm sad. I love the man, and for the foreseeable future, I will miss not only his kisses and the addictive way that he touched me, but his laughter, his humor, his genuine caring, his insight and self-awareness, his generosity of spirit, and so much more.
AND, I'm very fulfilled in my mission. I got to BE an extraordinary, loving partner, and I got thoroughly loved and spoiled in return. Yay! I found (and encouraged) a lost dominant lamb, and led him back to the herd. He's just chosen another shepherdess, I suppose, and I thoroughly support his choice to follow his heart, even if that leads him away from me.
We both have investigation to do - apparently we'll be doing it separately. Losing "us" has created a big open space in my world. I choose to trust that the Universe has something even better on deck.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
The Risk of Being Female
It’s a very different experience to be a man than a woman. As obvious as that sounds, I wonder that we don’t usually take the time to distinguish just how true that is.
For example, let’s talk about Risk and Fear.
During one of the courses I’ve been taking, the point was made that women, as the generally physically smaller and weaker gender, feel fear more often than men. “Really?” I thought, “I’m not sure about that.” And then the point was driven home.
While visiting Oakland in early January, I stayed at a marina. The bathhouse, about 50 feet from the gated dock, required keycard access, which I had. Early one morning, I crept off the boat and took myself to the bathhouse to freshen up. As the dock gate locked behind me, a semi-shabby man approached me. I immediately noticed that we were alone on the boardwalk.
“Got a light?” he asked.
“No, sorry,” I said, “I don’t smoke.”
“Ah,” he said, as I continued toward the bathhouse.
“You’re very pretty,” he said.
“Thank you,” I replied.
“You got a boyfriend?” he asked, now starting to follow me toward my destination.
“Yes, I do,” I lied, smiling through my increasing discomfort.
“You engaged?” he asked, getting closer as I ran my key card to unlock the door to the ladies room.
“Yep! Sorry!” I said, slipping hurriedly into the restroom and pressing the door shut behind me, now officially upset.
“That was disturbing,” I thought, shaking off my jangled nerves.
I was brushing my teeth a minute later when the doorknob rattled and the door shook in its frame.
Now… Here is the thought process I went through…
- Is the door locked fully? Yes.
- Can I count on anyone coming to save me? No, it’s very early in the morning, and my friend is still asleep.
- Do I have my phone? No. SHIT!
- Do I have a weapon? No, just the key to the gate.
- Is there anything else here that I can use as a weapon? No.
- Is there any other way out of this room? No, just the door.
- Can I see outside? No, the ventilation grate in the bottom of the door provides no view and the windows are too high.
- Can I climb up to the windows? No, so they’re also not an exit.
- What if he’s still outside? Then I’ll fight if I need to. I’ll start by screaming loudly and often.
- Should I open the door slowly or quickly? If I open it slowly and he’s right by the door, he could grab me and push me into this room. If I open it quickly and bust a move at least I’ll be a harder target to catch. I just risk looking silly to anyone else nearby.
- Do I care about looking silly? Yes, but I care more about not being raped.
- Am I ready to do this? If I have to… GO!
I slammed open the door and ran out of the bathhouse. The boardwalk was empty. I did a 360-degree visual scan of the area, confirming that I was alone. I then walked to the gate and let myself back onto the dock, heart pounding, body flooded with adrenaline.
HOW MANY OF YOU MEN THINK THIS IS CRAZY? If it had been you, would you have gone through that same process? Would you have even given it a moment’s notice?
HOW MANY OF YOU WOMEN CAN COMPLETELY RELATE TO MY RESPONSE? And how often are you hyper-aware of your environment and any possible threats to your safety?
Now that I tell the truth to myself, every time I walk my dogs, I am aware of any person who approaches me, particularly if it’s a man.
Are they a threat?
Should I make eye contact or not?
Are they bigger than me?
What’s their body posture and what does it say about their state of mind?
Please note that I have never been attacked by a stranger! Consider that this may simply be the way of the feminine mind. We are, for all extents and purposes, the (physically) weaker sex.
What can be done about this? Can I turn off my potential-predator reflex? Probably not, nor am I sure that I’d want to. It’s not keeping me from fully engaging in my life, and it could actually save me one day. Perhaps it already has.
What I CAN do, is increase my confidence in my ability to defend myself should the need occur. Krav Maga, here I come!
All Rights Reserved, M. Makael Newby, 2012
IF YOU LIVE IN THE PORTLAND AREA, PLEASE KEEP READING.
My good friend, Erik Oberholtzer, co-developed and teaches the Tieryk Method, a self-defense technique designed for women who simply do not have the time to keep up with defensive systems that need to be constantly practiced in order to be effective. (Such as most martial arts.)
This one-day class covers Situational Awareness – how to relate to your environment and hopefully avoid an attack, Technique – how to defend yourself when you have to, and Legality – what to say and do after an incident to avoid legal counter-ramifications. I have absolute faith in Erik and highly recommend that you consider taking this course!
“Erik and Ty offered me a technique to handle aggressors, but more importantly, how to feel and be powerful, avoiding danger before it ever presents.” – Amy Fields
The next class will be held in NW Portland on Sunday, March 11th from 12-5 PM. Please see contact firstname.lastname@example.org for additional information, and invest in your confidence as well as your safety. (I’ll see you there!)
Friday, December 16, 2011
I'll start from a clear definition of Chivalry:
1. the sum of the ideal qualifications of a knight, including courtesy, generosity, valor, and dexterity in arms.
2. the rules and customs of medieval knighthood.
3. the medieval system or institution of knighthood.
4. a group of knights.
5. gallant warriors or gentlemen: fair ladies and noble chivalry.
6. Archaic . a chivalrous act; gallant deed.
Which leads me to Chivalrous, which is, I believe, the heart of what you're describing:
1. having the qualities of chivalry, as courage, courtesy, and loyalty.
2. considerate and courteous to women; gallant.
3. gracious and honorable toward an enemy, especially a defeated one, and toward the weak or poor.
Now, everything I say from herein is my opinion, based on my experience and education, and largely an open inquiry given that I KNOW I don't have the final answers. So here I go, and I'm a bit of a writer, so please forgive the length of this response...
Consider that a desire to be chivalrous may have less to do with one's biological gender or sexual orientation and more with the level of masculine or feminine energy (or association). Given that we each have both within us, how might the following apply to the LGBTQ community? If the masculine has evolved to protect and provide for the feminine, might chivalry be a naturally masculine act? Might it be naturally feminine to receive? Masculine and feminine are, again, energies that we each flow between in this context, having nothing to do with one's sexual biology or orientation.
Consider then that feminism has done a disservice to many of us. (That's right, I said it.) In the fight to make available to women more options in the workplace and rights in the world, the option of remaining OUT of the workplace got devalued. Accordingly, I was raised that I should be strong, capable, and independent, and not NEED anyone to do anything for me. Make my own money, pay my own way, buy my own house... basically do it all myself. Which lead to stepping into the role of protector and provider and dwelling in my masculine energy most of the time.
I'm good at providing for others, because I'm also very service oriented (and I'll come back to Service shortly), and it is exhausting for me to constantly provide for myself. It's all providing with no receiving - YUCK! It has only been in the last year that I've begun to allow myself to want want I want, which is to dwell in my feminine as often as possible. And when I do allow the masculine to protect and provide for me, and I receive it graciously, my life gets much easier!
IMHO, there can be a two-way exchange in the providing of chivalry. The returning side is called Appreciation. It has also been referred to in this thread as graciousness. I understand that it may not be expected by the chivalrous provider, and you cannot deny that it feels good. Here's the challenge for the "modern" individual (raised in the feminist era)...
If we return to the definition of Chivalrous, you'll see "gracious and honorable toward an enemy, especially a defeated one, and toward the weak or poor." Accordingly, an individual raised in the mindset of "I shouldn't need anything from anyone" may perceive a chivalrous act as an implication that they are defeated, weak, or poor, thus requiring defensiveness and posturing to prove otherwise. Sigh - there's little room for gratitude when defending.
I believe there is a crossover between Chivalry and Service. Since the definition of Service comes down to "providing a helpful act," certain chivalrous acts could also be viewed or performed as acts of service, such as opening doors for people, taking a lady's/gentleman's coat, helping someone carry something. Perhaps it depends on intention...?
For ME, Service is something I provide, Chivalry something I receive. The idea of receiving service makes me balk, it turns my world upside-down in a disturbing way, and when I think of Being Chivalrous it feels like stepping into my masculine energy (which for me is being manly). I can perform the same function from my feminine energy by Being of Service. Hmmm, interesting!
How do you relate to Chivalry and Service?
M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved - http://www.mmakaelnewby.com