Happy Holidays! Equality, anyone?

Happy Christmahanukwanzasol! I'll be taking a blogging break while I meet my inlaws-to-be in NJ. You'll hear from me again in January. In the meantime, may 2009 wrap up nicely for you, and I wish you all a 2010 that brings you your deepest longings and the life of your dreams.

BUT before I go -- I tried to donate blood yesterday, "tried" being the dominant word. Let me share my thoughts about the experience.

Yay for the Red Cross, particularly all of their volunteers. They do work without which many people each year would die. Thanks! On the other hand, I have an issue with their policy of discrimination and blanket exclusion.

Discrimination, you say?

YES! Let me explain.

One of my formerly regular sexual partners had a boyfriend when he was in high-school in the 80s-90s. I have no problem with this - he's been FULLY tested clean and has already donated over a gallon of blood to the Red Cross. And so, when answering the Red Cross questionnaire, I told the truth.

Have I had sex with a male who has had sex with another male since 1977? Yes.

Was my last sexual contact with this partner within the last 12 months? Yes.

On this basis alone, I was DENIED the opportunity to donate blood.

Now, I understand the reason for their policy. They're trying to protect their blood supply and limit the potential number of false-negatives during testing, and thus the number of people mistakenly infected with a blood-borne illness as the result of emergency transfusion.

But their logic is faulty.

In the early 2000s, can they really claim that the gay male population is at greater risk for HIV and hepatitis and other sexually transmitted diseases than the publicly-declared straight population?

If you've had sex with a male who's had sex with a male, you are denied. But what if you've had sex with a male who's lied to you? What if he's been sneaking around and having unprotected male/male sex without telling you? And what if he's been having unprotected male/female sex without telling you?! In this day and age, women are just as likely as men to be carrying an undiagnosed illness, aren't they? (Especially while this myth of the biologically dangerous gay male is promoted.) People can lie about their sexual preferences as well as their past experiences, and so can their partners, and thus, everyone's sexual past must be viewed with suspicion.

IMHO, no single individual, unless they've been tested 3 months ago, and celibate or unfaultingly protected every day since, can declare their status with absolute faith. For the Red Cross to deny a whole section of the population the opportunity to provide such a service is an act of bigotry. It's illogical, wasteful, and it costs lives that could otherwise be saved.

Do I have a solution? No. There IS no solution. Their mistake is in thinking that their currently policy allows them to screen the blood supply and reduce their likelihood of mistaken infection. It does NOT. There is nothing but Testing that can make such a determination, and it is my opinion that the Red Cross should welcome all possible donors, and increase the rigor of their testing if what they really want is to serve the greatest percentage of the population and safeguard the lives of those they serve.

(There's a whole other blog I could write here about it being societally unsafe for people to tell the truth about their sexual histories and practices, but we'll save that for another day.)

Q and I will be voicing our dissatisfaction with this policy. If you would like to do the same, please call the Donor Care & Response Center at 1-800-737-0902 and tell them you have an issue with the Donation Criteria.

In the meantime, be safe, people. Keep your wits about you out there, be responsible for your own actions, and be aware of the actions of others. Enjoy your lives and your loved ones, and be grateful for what you've got. We're all in this together.

Namaste,

Makael

M. Makael Newby, 2009 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

News blast!

The final (new & approved) cover for My Erotic Adventure is complete. This means that the book itself should be available by January 2010!

The final price point will be $14.95 through AuthorHouse, my publisher; $20.95 through Amazon or Barnes & Noble (the only current authorized resellers, although I'm in conversation with some local and national book shops); or $10.95 through AH. The following link takes you to the page at AH...

http://www.authorhouse.com/BookStore/ItemDetail.aspx?bookid=65632

Additionally, I read three pages live on the air yesterday on Portland's Sex Talk. You can listen to the podcast on the Workshops page of my website at www.mmakaelnewby.com, or download or stream content at:

http://archive.kpsu.org/station/archives/28143

Hold onto your britches, or -- in keeping with the book -- drop 'em! The real fun is about to begin...

Happy holidays, everyone!
Makael

The Tiger on Trial

Wow, the media is having a scandalous blast with the marriage infidelities of Tiger Woods. I flipped through the pages of a recent US Weekly whose headlines pointed to Elin Nordegren's distress and confusion over what to do next. Did they have any quotes from the source? No, of course not.

Now I read that she's moving out, and hear that he's taking at least a year off of the golf circuit... honestly, I just wish the media would lay the hell off and give this couple a chance to work things out together - whichever way they choose to go.

Truthfully, I feel sorry for them both. In my opinion, nether one is the bad-guy in this situation. Admittedly, I have no idea what went on in the privacy of their home and hearts - AND NEITHER DO YOU. It's easy to project our own history and experiences, to fill in what we don't know with what we suspect, or with what makes sense given the little that we've heard, but we don't know the full truth, neither does ANYONE at this point, and I think the popular media is giving them the short end of the stick... and beating them with it.

End tirade. Begin sensible feedback. If they were my clients, here's where we'd start...

There's a lot of cleaning up to do here. Lies have been told, expectations unfulfilled, agreements broken, and the word "betrayed" likely applies to Elin's emotional perception. First, I think that Tiger needs to come clean with Elin and tell her the whole truth - every ugly, hurtful, unpleasant kernel. The more details that remain to show up unexpectedly and surprise her, the worse it gets for them both. Coughing it up now is the best thing he can do.

The hardest part (or one of them) would be for Elin to listen to what he has to say without storming out of the room in a backlash of emotion. How many women; who they are/were; what he did with them; what he told them about her/about his feelings; whether or not he used condoms and/or other measures to avoid pregnancy; what he told himself to justify his actions; how he felt each time he came home/spoke with her on the phone/lied; etc... she needs to know it all. But once she knows it all, she knows it all, and there's no longer anything else to fear. That is a very powerful place to stand, and I'd suggest that she grab it.

Additionally, I would remind Elin that Tiger's actions have nothing to do with HER, his actions are about HIM. Easily said, right? But that's true for all of us, all of the time. I am a fully-functioning, adult human being, and I bear ultimate responsibility for my actions because I have something called Choice and an ability called impulse control. Tiger chose to cheat and to hide (I SO wish he hadn't), and actions have consequences. But they are his choices and his actions, and as a sane adult, he doesn't get to blame them on her, and neither should she.

Look, I don't know what went on in their home... How was their sex life? Has parenting changed their desires? How long was he gone at a stretch? How did they connect intimately over the distance? Was he happy in their monogamous relationship when they got married, or did he agree because it was expected of him? Did they ever discuss other options? We just don't know, so I'd advise everyone who's not them to stop blaming and get a grip.

Oops, I slipped into the tirade again... back to the matter at hand.

But on that note, while it's supportive to have a family that's always on your side, I'd advise Elin not to buy into the story that she married a monster who should be punished, no matter what her family and friends say. Theirs are not the voices of reason, and may not lead to her ultimate happiness.

And now it's Elin's turn to say everything that there is for her to say at this point -- how she's felt over the last many months (did she suspect?) and since finding out; her thoughts; her feelings; her fears; Everything. It doesn't have to be pretty or nice, or even responsible. She can blame and name-call and say whatever's on her mind until she's said it all.

In hearing this, I'd ask Tiger to put aside all defense and listen from the perspective that this is what's true for her right now. Listening to her possibly hurtful comments doesn't mean that they're True, it means that this is how she feels right now, and that's valid. Our actions have impacts on others, and it's time to find out what he's wrought. The biggest gift you can give someone is to hear them, and she deserves that, particularly right now.

So let's assume that Tiger has now told the truth and that Elin has allowed herself to hear it without taking it personally. He's heard her thoughts and feelings about the matter, and nothing remains unsaid between them. He did what he did, and didn't do what he didn't do. The same goes for her, and there's no changing the past. It might take some time and a lot of work to get there, but let's assume that they've stuck it out to this point.

The next question in my mind becomes, are they willing to consider building a new relationship that honors them BOTH? Is the love they've shared worth that consideration? It may or may not be. Being willing doesn't mean that they promise to stay together, only that they're willing to look newly, to ask and answer the hard questions, and then to choose whether they are ultimately compatible as life partners. They may not be, or they could create a relationships that far exceeds what they ever dreamt was possible. Only they can make that determination.

Now, every individual is different, and coaching always follows the client's agenda, so it's unlikely that my conversations with them would directly follow the path I've laid out above. Nonetheless, as a specialist in non-traditional relationships, here are some of the questions I'd love to pose to them separately...

• Is sex with only one partner a concept that feels right to you? Deeply fulfilling and grounding?
• If you were able to know that you would never lose the love and lifetime commitment of your partner No Matter What, would monogamy still be your first choice?
• Have you ever fantasized about adding a third person or another couple to your sexual escapades?
• How about falling in love with another person and still having an incredible marriage with your life-partner?
• How often do you want to have sex, ideally?
• Do you enjoy sex with your spouse?
• When you and your spouse are sexually intimate, do you feel that your needs get met?
• What about your need for emotionally intimacy?
• What about your needs for companionship?
• Do you feel that your spouse really gets you? Understands and supports who you are and who your want to be in this lifetime?
• If you could wave a magic wand and have any kind of relationship structure, and live any kind of lifestyle, with NO concerns or repercussions, what would you choose?
• Why did you fall in love with this person in the first place? What are their traits that you love/hate? Etc.
  

Once they'd told the truth to themselves, I'd ask them to share their desires with each other. Maybe they'd create a relationships that inspires them both, or maybe they'd divorce. Either way, they both deserve a loving relationship with a partner who wants, and chooses to live, a lifestyle that leaves them both fulfilled!

Besides the possible long-term impact on their children, the saddest thing is that it didn't have to go down this way. Why didn't Tiger tell her from the start that he wanted more, or call her when he noticed that he was considering acting on his impulses to see other women on the road?

Because our society makes that Wrong -- God forbid you tell the truth to your spouse if you're not saying the Right thing. Better you should lie about it, but when you get caught, we'll victimize you. Or maybe he just wanted what he wanted and stupidly thought that he could get away with it, or didn't care if he got found out... I'll not make him into a martyr here.

Either way, there's no room in our society to tell your spouse that you want to have additional relationships on the side, be it sexual or romantic, after you get married if you didn't mention it before the wedding bells rang. That mind-set has run it's course, and it's days are numbered. That's why I'm here.

I wish them the very best of luck in healing the hurts that brought about this break in communication and honor, and I hope they have the courage to create the relationships of their dreams... together or apart.


M. Makael Newby, 2009 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

Fetlife - Sit on Santa's Lap!

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Ultimate Fellatio Tip #3 - The Rotating Twist

Today we'll discuss a move I call The Rotating Twist. It belongs to the fabulous part of a blow job called The Hand Job, which is an art in it's own right. Nonetheless, I find that some good hand skills can make a blow job even better, so here we go...

This is a fairly simple trick that can be done with one or two hands, whatever the size of your partner's shaft will allow. If working with one hand, wrap your fist around the base of your lover's erect penis. Rotate your fist either clockwise or counterclockwise (whatever feels right) as you slide your fist up toward the head of the penis, and then reverse direction as you slide back down. Rotate and up, reverse rotate and down, repeat, repeat, repeat. Simple!

If working with two hand widths of male material you get to bring in the twisting action by rotating your hands in opposite directions as you raise and lower them. For example, right hand rotates clockwise and left rotates counter clockwise as you slide from the base to the head of his shaft, reverse rotate as you slide down and repeat.

It's like wringing water from a wet towel, so perhaps I should call this The Rotating Wring, but that's just not as catchy.

Add your lips and tongue to the head of his dick while your hands work their magic, et voila!

Try it out and post your reviews on my blog!


M. Makael Newby, 2009 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

Hot or Not? Language in Erotica.

Given that I may have the opportunity to perform a live 5-minute reading of my book next Friday night, it seems like a good time to direct our inquiry toward erotica.

Language - the most common medium of communication, and truly one of the only methods that's effective over a distance.

Notice how our language may change depending on our audience? At work we may use jargon to quicken the process. For example, "A composite on distal buccal #2," is dental jargon for a composite resin filling on the back and cheek-side corner of the 2nd top right molar from the back of your mouth. Say that five times fast!

For many of us, the language we use with our family is difference than the language we use among our friends - and there's nothing wrong with that! A group-specific way of speaking enhances our social bond and the feeling of belonging.

But what about erotica? If I tow the line of tame, no one will want to read it, but if I jump off the cliff of raunch, people will be turned off. The challenge is to appeal to the widest variety of readers without becomming too bland for anyone to enjoy. Let's discuss four variations of erotic language...

• Cum vs. Come? I had always thought that cum was the accurate term for the act of having an orgasm, and also for the associated fluid produced, and so much sexier than ejaculate. But recently I came across a discussion online about this very term, wherein some people expressed a loathing for the word cum! They were turned off by it and found it crass, low, or pedestrian. What's an author to do? Besides the occasional spurt, squirt and spray, I chose to use "cum" - you can't please them all.

• His throbbing manhood... Admit it, you've probably read at least one cheap and sexy romance novel that used this phrase, and I'm no exception. The choice of wording might correspond to the emotional atmosphere of the scene - at a romantic moment, phallus may be too clinical and cock too raunchy. Dick, penis, wonder wand... get creative.

• Meow! Pet the pussy. The female genitalia has so many enjoyable parts. Pussy, snatch and yoni seem to imply the overall package, whereas labia, lips, vagina, clit, pink pearl, or honeyed love tunnel indicate specific areas. You can only use the same term so many times in a paragraph without getting repetitive, so again, get creative instead.

• This or It vs. My? When inviting or demanding oral sex, a woman might say "Lick this clit," or, "Lick it," while lifting her skirt, or "Lick my clit." There is an emotional difference in taking ownership of the body part by using the possessive MY and objectifying the body part with IT or THIS. I particularly like being objectified, but not everyone does, so I varied the language depending on the scene.
  

Which raises the question... How do you like to be spoken to? What do you like to say and what do you like to hear? Love muffin? Sexy bastard? You fuckin' cum-slut? This is a discussion that can bring immediate spice into your bedroom antics. Enjoy!


M. Makael Newby, 2009 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

Dealing with Jealousy

This is the third of three videos from my Non-Monogamy for the Novice workshop, this one discussing facing and dealing with jealousy.

What has been your experience with jealousy?

Hindsight: Dark Night/Bright Day

In light of the fact that I've just submitted all required documents to my publishing house, am about to begin my move to live with my fiance, and that tomorrow is Thanksgiving, I thought it appropriate to share my state of mind from March 2009... three months after I gave up my job in Washington DC and moved to Colorado to write my book.

I am thankful for my faith, for the financial means to meet my needs, my health, the beauty and love in my life, and for the upcoming teleseminar on becoming a money magnet from Barb Wade, Life Coach, on 12/2. Info at www.barbwade.com/freecall. (No joke, you don't want to miss this call!)

I'll be back during the first week of December and writing to you from my new home in Portland, Oregon!

-----
70 degrees. I can see the sunlight, shining red and pulsing from the other side of my closed eyelids, mottled with spots and shadows, ghost particles traveling a slow arc across my vision. It's a beautiful day, sitting on the back deck, laptop on my lap (go figure), listening to the traffic and the dog crunching on found sticks. Who needs bones when you've got trees, god love her. No reason for me to be so... what's the word? Unsettled? Uncertain? Un-something. Satisfied, perhaps.

But then, that's not entirely true, there are circumstances at play. My period is starting today, and let's not lie, it's causing me some hormonal inconsistency. So that explains the bursting into tears suddenly, with little to no warning. Sometimes it's good to be self-employed.

But then there's that... self-employed, AKA self-paid, as in "ain't no one else gonna do it for me." ARGH, what the hell was I thinking?!

I know, I know, I was thinking that writing felt like channeling something from elsewhere, that my words have power to move people, and that I'm called to use that skill to make a difference. Blah, blah, blah. Whatever.

So I sit here on the porch, 1/4 complete on my new novella, considering a 4th grader as illustrator for my children's book, uninspired. It's just not coming to me today. The drive, the passion, the joy in the process. Am I that susceptible to the disturbance of others? It was just one phone call. One simple question from my Dad. "Are you concerned about money yet?"

Faith. How do I explain to my aethiest father without sounding like a flighty nut-job that I'm trying to reside in faith? That I am following my passions, that I wouldn't have them if I weren't supposed to DO something with them, that being worried about money will only bring me more of the same? I tell him that everything is moving along bit by bit, and worrying will only slow me down, so I try to keep from wallowing in it... don't worry, Daddy. He buys it, but do I?

And then, sure, there was the brunch conversation with new friends. Messages of faith and inspiration, of giving and receiving, of gifts not kept but passed along to give again, punctuated by ponzi schemes and Citicorp and fear fear fear. Gratitude, money is just a physical form of gratitude, disrupted by upset and blame, worry and concern, over and over again. I don't want to be around that! Please keep that poison to yourself. Ah, sigh, I should have spoken up. Just because you think it doesn't mean that you need to speak it. But that one cuts both ways.

And now I sit here... questioning. Eggs all in one basket? Anyone? Bueller? What if my money runs out? What if I can't get a publisher, or what if it takes two years before it pays off? What if I self-publish and it all ends up as a loss? What if I'm just fooling myself, making believe, just making excuses to be lazy, ensuring that I end up proving that I never deserved the generosity I've received?

Oh, but that's not new! That's the little voice that Always questions me! According to that voice I'll Never be good enough and I'm Always doing the wrong thing. I don't like that voice. Go away!

No, not you, honey, you can bring that ball, I'll throw it for you. Crunch, crunch, more sticks laid waste. Talk about a high fiber diet! She is not worried. She is just being herself, loving me, chasing the squirrels, doing what she does. She trusts me implicitly, relies on my care, never concerned that she'll prove she didn't deserve my generosity. What if I had HER faith?

I smile. Circumstances are just that, temporary circumstances. What was the phrase given me last night... This too shall pass? If I truly have faith, then I must accept this as part of the experience, part of my process of growth. Yet another opportunity to choose.

The sun has cut behind the corner of the shed now and a cool breeze brushes the back of my neck, effortlessly skirting my collar. The sky has grayed out, thin clouds impeding the warmth of the sun. But soon enough they too will disperse, and Spring is on the way.


M. Makael Newby, 2009 - All Rights Reserved

Designing Your Own Service Website

Yes, this blog is rather off-topic from my usual posts, but I've recently had the opportunity to design my own business website for my coaching services (among other ventures), and I hope that my experience will contribute to one of you, out there, somewhere!

Everything that follows is MY opinion, of course, based on my corporate experience with office and business management, systems organization, and graphic design.

When considering a design for a website top represent your services, the very first thing needs to be a clear picture of what you want to provide and to whom. A mission statement, if you will. That will give you a solid foundation from which to proceed. It also makes decisions easier, as each one can be tested with the questions, "Is this consistent with my mission?" If you aren't yet there, then reading, writing, listening, thinking, and talking about it with others is the place to start.

Having just designed my web site (http://www.mmakaelnewby.com/), here were the components required to make it happen:

1) Layout - What pages do I need? How do I want them to flow?

You'll see that I chose to have a Home page to introduce my services and overview the site; an About Me page to introduce myself and tell some of my story; a Mission page about my larger purpose in the world (because I have one, not everyone necessarily will); a Coaching page about my coaching and consulting business; a Workshops page about my presentations and workshops; and an Authored Works page for my book that's about to come out, to link to my Blog, and to eventually house teasers for my next book.

2) Visual Feel/Design - What do I want my site to say to my clients - non-verbally - during the first seven seconds?

The words I used to direct the design of my site were "Organic, natural, growth/growing, safe, and open." These guiding words led to my color palette, the background textures and the tree/flower forms. I happen to have two visual design degrees, and any designer worth your time can help you suss this out. Don't forget a photo of You.

3) Content - What do the pages say?

Your content needs to address how you meet the needs of your clients - not what you do as much as the results that they will experience through working with you. It will likely take some time to write the content that speaks to your prospective clients, and I recommend that you have it edited by someone else. Other people always catch things I miss!

4) Ancillary Materials/Sites - PDFs for class outlines, videos of presentations, downloadable business forms - if you want your clients to be able to watch or download something from your site you'll need to create those items. What about a business blog? You're reading mine!

It is highly likely that, if you have a solid understanding of what you want to provide and to whom, once you begin writing content for your website a business name will make itself known. The emerging visual appearance of your website will also inform the design of your business documents and logo (having a consistent visual appearance is part of branding yourself). So, as you see, each part will support the others, all of them growing out of your mission/vision.

If you start with a clear mission or vision, it will all flow from there. I wish you abundant success! M. Makael Newby, 2009 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

New Relationship Energy

This is the second of three videos from my Non-Monogamy for the Novice workshop, this one discussing New Relationship Energy - the experience of being excited, enamored and smitten during the development of a new romantic relationship.

What has been your experience of New Relationship Energy?

Sexual Guidance (Follow-up to U.F. Inquiry #1, Part 2)

Delivering sexual guidance - there's a pitfall of potential landmines. But in the truest sense of the cliche: nothing risked = nothing gained.

It takes extraordinary courage sometimes to say or ask the potentially hurtful thing out of a commitment to a healthy sexual relationship, but that is what's required of us. Here are four suggestions for delivering sexual guidance gently.

• Wait until the deed is done. For major conversations, like "Could you kiss me this way instead?" bringing it up during a romantic session will kill the mood. Take it from one who made that mistake - requests made during the heat of passion can be heard as criticism, and ultimately as rejection. Raise your hand if you want your lover to feel that you've rejected them? I thought not. Make a note in your mind to bring it up at a later time, when passions have cooled and major requests will be more welcome, and when you can have a conversation about it instead of an emotional knee-jerk response.

• The way you just... Communicate criticism of what you don't like through acknowledgment of what you do like. For example, you might try, "OMG that felt great, do that again the way you just..." and describe what you want, whether he/she did it exactly that way or not. Now - be reasonable - you can't use that to tell him how to pinch your nipples while he's fully engaged in eating you out! In general, however, preceding any sort of suggestion/request with a compliment is a good practice. "That feels so good baby, just a little bit lighter?"

• Role play teacher and student - I'm a big fan of games. Making something into a game takes the seriousness and significance out of it, and when it comes to role-playing, it provides a layer of separation between You and Me and what our characters do and say and feel. Perhaps I have a lot of experience and feel that I should know how to please you, but if my character is a student, suddenly there's room to ask and make mistakes and take direction. I'm starting to believe that this is a game each new couple should play at least twice!

• Play teen age virgins - A variation on Teacher/Student, playing virgins levels the field. Neither one of us knows anything about anything, and we can fumble, and grope, and learn from each other without any superiority/inferiority dynamic in the realm of sexual know-how. Hell, if you want to get authentic, do it in the back of your car!

M. Makael Newby, 2009 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

Ultimate Fellatio Inquiry #1 - Learning, Part 2

Part 2 - Sexual Learning and Societal Expectation

Why are we not taught about how to have sex? The techniques, the down and dirty actions to take, the ways of pleasing and pleasuring each other? It such a major aspect of our lives and our mental/emotional health - where have the sexual mentors gone?

Society has driven us to the internet.

We come of age and are suddenly expected to know what we're doing, who to be, how to be, and what to do - as if knowing the location and function of ovaries and testicles, and the phases of gestation are preparation enough.

And if I'm supposed to know what I'm doing, that means that you're supposed to know what you're doing as well - and that leaves no room for asking how to please you or directing you in how to please me. I don't want to offend you by implying that you aren't doing it right, and I can't ask for direction for fear of looking bad in your eyes. (In Inquiry #2 we'll discuss the Virgin/Whore concept.)

And so we turn to the internet - to blogs and website, to videos and tutorials, to people who will TELL US how to do what we want to do. And yet, again, there is a big difference between theory and practice.

It takes extraordinary courage sometimes to say or ask the potentially hurtful thing out of a commitment to a healthy sexual relationship, but that is what's required of us. In the next blog post we'll discuss a few suggestions for delivering sexual guidance gently.


M. Makael Newby, 2009 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

Ultimate Fellatio Inquiry #1 - Learning, Part 1

Part 1 - When and how did you learn to give a blow job?

Initially, I could say that I learned around the age of 11 from the descriptions in Playboy Magazine and the Penthouse Forum, followed up by cherished and guilty glimpses of Cinemax and other late-night cable movies, but there's nothing like putting theory into practice.

My first BJ happened in the back of a car - what car? I don't even remember. What guy? Aw shucks, I don't remember that either! What I do know is that it was during the Spring semester of my Senior year in high school and I was 17. He had been in my Shakespeare class the previous semester, and had graduated early, so I rarely saw him anymore.

There was a good deal of drama involved in how I attended Rocky Horror Picture Show with my girlfriends one Saturday night and ended up alone with him in his car at 4 AM on Sunday, but I was happy to be there. He was smart, nice, cute, and he chose me - that was all I needed.

I remember being nervous, wondering if I'd actually know what to do, but he unzipped his pants, pulled out his phallus, and ... there he was. Instinct took over once he guided me into position, and I honestly can't remember the rest! I know that he was surprised at my enthusiasm and skill, that I had fun, and that he thoroughly enjoyed it. Did he cum? Did I swallow? I can't recall, but it was worth facing the parents when I got home at 6 AM.

In other areas of sexual expression I was less fortunate. I was lucky to have some very patient partners who guided me, encouraged me, and taught me that my pleasure was valuable to them. Without them I would be an uncertain, unfulfilled, and repressed woman today.

In Part 2 we'll discuss sexual learning and societal expectation.

When and where and how did you learn to give a blow job?


M. Makael Newby, 2009 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

Ultimate Fellatio Tip #2 - Sensual Texture

This is the second of a series of posts discussing tips & tricks from my Ultimate Fellatio workshop. Enjoy!

What is the experience of a blow job for the receiver? As a woman, I'm very aware of what I'm doing, but I can never fully know exactly how it feels to my partner. I can, however, know how my partner feels it.

He has physical sensation through the way that I touch him - the pressure I apply, the way I move my hands, the heat of my mouth, the texture of my tongue. But there are other avenues of sensation - sensual textures as I call them - that can create a more complete session. Here are four suggestions for creating a full experience.

• Eye Contact - From the first moment you decide to share this experience, eye contact can be very hot. You can use flirty eyes, nasty eyes, demanding eyes - anything you choose to express yourself while your mouth is full. Sometimes it hurts my eyes to try to look up at his face while my mouth is occupied below, but the response is worth it. (Unless you are not allowed to make eye contact, in which case the hotness comes from obeying the rules.)

• Moaning - The act of moaning creates vibrations in your mouth and lips that he can certainly feel. It doesn't get much simpler than that!
  

• Slurpy Sounds - Giving great head is not usually consistent with looking pretty while you do it. The same goes for 'sounding' pretty. Let yourself make some noise - let him hear that you're enjoying it. Be sloppy - I mean, slurpy!

• Full-bodied Touch - Use both hands all over his body. Certainly you'll likely have one around his dick, and sometimes two, but there are many other areas of his body to stimulate as well - nipples to pinch, ass cheeks to grab, hands to hold, thighs and hips to squeeze... Expanding the realm of your touch makes the blow job more of a full-bodied experience - and who doesn't want that? (Think not? Ask him! And then do what He wants, not what I say.)

Of course there are foods and perfumes, scented candles and flavored syrups that can be used to add smell and taste, but I don't generally mention them because you'd have to liberate a hand to pick them up and manipulate them, taking you somewhat away from the task at hand. (Literally, ha ha!)

What other ways do you use to enhance the sensual BJ experience for your partner? If you have other suggestions for the senses of smell and taste, I'd particularly love to hear them!


M. Makael Newby, 2009 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

Ultimate Fellatio Tip #1 - Anticipation

This is the first of a series of posts discussing tips & tricks from my Ultimate Fellatio workshop. Enjoy!

When does a blow job begin? When his dick is in your mouth? When you unzip his pants? How about the moment that you decide to blow him?

Anticipation can be used to enhance the entire experience. Our brains are our most developed sex organs, right? Let's use them. Here are four methods for creating anticipation with your partner.

• The Verbal Tease - Call him at work and tell him what you'd like to do tonight. Send him off with a "note in his lunchbox." Deliver naughty thoughts by text message before your date. If you're feeling really impish, tell him how wet you are just imagining... allow yourself to get graphic. Anyway you work it, your blow job can begin hours before flesh meets flesh. And besides, he's likely to have a very special day with something specific to look forward to!

• Bringing the Heat - Take that sigh of relief and turn it into the hot breath of promise. While he's still clothed - belt buckled, pants zipped - caress your way from shoulders to hips. Place your wide-open mouth over his crotch, right up against his pants, and exhale fully, following the bulge of his hidden assets. He will see your head in his lap, feel the moist warmth of your breath, and imagine what's to come.

• Look Ma! No Hands! - Challenge yourself to remove his belt, pants, and underwear (unless hes going commando) with only your lips, tongue and teeth. It draws out the foreplay, and lets him watch you struggle in your desire to please him. If you're really into the power dynamic, he can hold your wrists while you work. If he gets impatient, rip his clothes off!
  

• Everything But... - Before you remove his underwear, run the tip of your tongue along and just underneath the waistband. Run your hands up his legs and under his boxers or briefs caressing his hips, legs, thighs, ass and abdomen, but always stopping short of touching his balls or penis. The more you avoid touching his cock, the more he'll want it, and when you finally DO it will be worth the wait.
  

Use these techniques and you will truly blow his mind!


M. Makael Newby, 2009 - All Rights Reserved

Honoring the Agreement

This is the first of three videos from my Non-Monogamy for the Novice workshop, this one discussing the difference between cheating and functional non-monogamy. Though honoring the agreement with your partner is here addressed within the context of a non-monogamous relationship, you'll find that it applies to any relationship of value.

What has been your experience with broken agreements? Was the honor restored, and if so, how?

BDSM: Why I Top & Submit

When considering roles within the BDSM scene, it is easy to explain what I enjoy in each one physically. I am a dancer and so there is a rhythmic action in flogging, particularly Florentine, that I truly enjoy. It is an artistic physical expression, and Topping is the only way I experience it.

Regarding my submission, it is simple enough to say that I love the feel of a hand knotted against my scalp, the force of a punch as it throws me forward, the way the impact resonates through my frame. But are those sensations enough to justify what it takes to live in this lifestyle? I am much more interested in the WHY of these roles. What do I get out of it? The physicality is a momentary experience... what do I experience that stays with me over time and makes me want more?

I Top for the contribution and for the head-space. When I Top, I lose connection with the outside world. My environment contracts to contain only the space between me and my bottom. I become so completely focused on his experience that I actually cease to be a concern. I disappear, and for one who spends too much time trapped in her own active mind and swirling thoughts, that is miraculous. I get to serve my subject's needs, be a contribution to his desires, and disappear my ego for an hour. And I look hot doing it. It's a win-win situation.

My submission shows up in radically different ways. It can be as simple as sitting at my fiance's feet with my face against his knee and his hand in my hair. I love being useful and appreciated, so bringing him a drink, bringing over people he wants to meet, and myriad other small services are enjoyable for me. I was actually surprised by how much I enjoyed making dinner for him, doing his laundry, etc. this summer! I don't know why - it makes complete sense when I stop to think about it.

I suspect that I would make a wonderfully devoted "pet" (we haven't yet taken it that far), and that part of my desire ties in easily with sexual urges to please and be of service. I like knowing that I provide something of value for him, that he enjoys having me his way, even if I don't always enjoy it. On the other hand, my expression of submission can be as intense as allowing myself to be restrained and "beaten" until I cry, and then some more. That goes to Why I submit. Certainly there is the service aspect of submitting to an intense physical scene, that my partner needs to express himself that way and I get to be the canvas. I provide an outlet, and that is service. A Dominant who will beat me solely for my desire is not enough, I want a partner who's needs correspond with my own... a partnership.

Additionally, I've discovered that I live in a paradigm which says that if I CAN be strong, in control, and powerful then I MUST be so. There is little room for failure in this paradigm. I'm not saying it's always in play, or that it works particularly well when it is, but this is an over-arching theme in my experience of my life.

When I am restrained and beaten there is no way out. I am no longer responsible in the moment for Getting Out, as that option has been removed, although it does take me a period of resistance to accept that finality. Being restrained and beaten, particularly by one for whom I care, gives me permission to be weak & powerless, to relinquish control and to surrender in ways that I am rarely, if ever, able to access in my daily life. It provides a HUGE emotional release that I crave, and which leaves me in a space of surrendered gratitude for days after and is remembered for years. That part of my life has nothing to do with sex (so far!), but it is something that balances me for a time, and something I qualify as a Need.

Would I like to find a way of achieving this release without the need for a partner in the process? Heck yes, but this way has not yet been revealed. Would I still choose to submit if I did not need it for this release? Yes, I believe that I will always wish to serve in some respect or another.

The challenge now resides in finding the ways in which his domination and my submission fit together, or don't fit, and creating a loving, satisfying, working relationship for us both! So far, so good.


M. Makael Newby, 2009 - All Rights Reserved

Of Masochists, Bottoms & Submissives

One of the many challenges upon entering the realm of alternative lifestyles is finding out what works for you. Labels are restrictive, and yet human beings tend to exhibit a natural pull to classify life, including people. Yes, it makes conversation faster, like any industry-specific jargon, but in a domain where there are SO many variables, and SO many crossovers, it can be a challenge to find the terms that best suit you.

That is, of course, on top of the challenge of determining what works for you – which regularly includes failure. It often takes something not working to shine the light on what would have worked or will in the future. Those who cannot learn from failure are not well suited to these lifestyles.

Accordingly, let me take a moment to share some of the lifestyle distinctions as I have come to know them, and some of the experiences that have illuminated the differences for me.

Does physical pain excite you sexually? Does a partner with an evil grin and the willingness (or rather, the desire) to hurt you make you hot? If so, you may be masochistic. Those inflicting the pain are sadistic, and they are a wonderful breed of creative evil-doers. I know a particularly evil sadist out northwest who will find out how you enjoy being hurt and then do it in ways you won't enjoy. Needles, knives, canes, whips… heck, hands, pressure points and kitchen implements… sadists are wickedly wonderful fun if you enjoy feeling the pain.

I am not a masochist, nor a sadist. I don't get excited by pain, nor do I enjoy inflicting it, but I love to watch those who do. I suspect that it's very important for sadists to have a rather good understanding of human biology, as they need to know how to hurt you without damaging you. Chew on THAT one for a while!

Okay, so maybe pain isn't your thing, but you'd love to be on the receiving end of the implement anyway. Does the thought of being tied up and spanked send you into La La Land? If it's not spanking, insert the delivery method of your choice. Flogging, punching, wax play, electrical play, sharp things, bondage, etc… all are available to she/he who wants them. If this sounds like fun, you may be a bottom. Tops wield the instruments with the intention of helping their bottoms to achieve an altered state of consciousness, sometimes referred to as "flying" or "subspace". A bottom responds to the physicality of the play as well as some level of connection with the Top.

Maybe you enjoy the implements, or maybe you don't, but what really drives you nuts is being controlled… restrictions on your actions (don't move, don't make a sound), being restrained or teased, being directed or commanded… whatever allows you to know that your partner is absolutely in control. If this is the case, you may be submissive. In my personal situation, if we wrestle and you cannot completely restrain me, forget it. Dominants are the ones who want to be in charge and in control, to varying degrees and the practice is known by the acronym D/s.

If you want to serve your partner – be the maid, do chores for him/her, take on given responsibilities for the pleasure of knowing that you are contributing to his/her life – you may be a service bottom or service submissive. This is D/s that you can take in a highly mundane direction, make into a kink-fest, or combine in whatever way suits you.

D/s is the dynamic that's most easily taken into public unobtrusively. Many a hot scene can occur when a Dom/Domme has a sub securely under their control. Heck, partner dancing (swing, salsa, ballroom, tango, etc.), given the leading and following aspect, is an excellent example of public D/s. Even remotely controlled vibrating panties, while certainly a fun sex-toy, can fall under the category of D/s as one party is in control of the other's physical sensation. Bedtime curfews are a common D/s form. Think about it.

Of course, submission must be given willingly, and all of these lifestyles fall into the domain of safe, sane, and consensual (SSC) or risk-aware consensual kink (RACK). But what if you like… both? That's called switching, or being switchy. Switches go both ways (not necessarily sexually). They top sometimes and bottom others, or they dominate some people and submit to others. Couples who are both switches sometimes have to negotiate who's going to be in which position at which time!

Switches aren't the only ones who play both sides. Some submissives also bottom, some top, and some tops are also sadistic. There are as many varieties, definitions and degrees as there are people to experience them. I am submissive and I can bottom, but bottoming isn't going to get me hot. The hottest scene I ever had involved being tied up and restrained in public, spanked and flogged – all of which is bottoming. What worked for me though was the physical proximity of my partner while spanking me, and the knowledge that I had disappointed him (by disrespecting my curfew). THAT is D/s. I eventually broke down and cried, giving up the last bit of my resistance (which takes a lot for me), and it was the hottest, most emotionally fulfilling scene I've ever had. Who knew?

In all of these dynamics, negotiation is very important. You cannot get upset at someone for crossing a boundary about which you did not inform them. (Well, you can, but it'll get you nowhere good.) It is therefore of utmost importance to share with a potential partner what turns you on, what turns you off, hard limits they must not test, things you've never done but are willing to try out. This level of communication is one of the most attractive aspects of "The Lifestyle."*

Nonetheless, situations are sure to arise that you didn't anticipate, and boundaries will show up about which you were unaware. Most players use a system of safe words – often green for go, yellow for caution, and red for full and immediate stop – that allows the receiver to communicate his/her comfort level in a completely clear manner. Let's face it – in this scene, screaming No and Stop loses its meaning! The willingness to forgive mistakes, and to look deeply into your own physical, mental and emotional workings is imperative. I find this aspect of these lifestyles to be the most interesting and rewarding.

That said, to learn more, go to Google, baby. These days your can search and find just about anything anywhere. I will say that, given the variety of kink, fetish, and alternate proclivity in The Lifestyle, the people I've met there are some of the most accepting people ever. Your thing may not work for me (the term Squick specifically means some activity or preference that creeps you out big time, EX: "needles squick me"), but given MY methods, who am I to judge yours? It's all about self-discovery and expression, people. So go, find out what suits you, and have at it!

• For my purposes, The Lifestyle includes all alternative sexuality lifestyles – polyamory, swinging, all BDSM arenas (Sadism/Masochism, Bondage & Discipline, Dominance/submission), and others of which I may not be aware.

M. Makael Newby, 2009 - All Rights Reserved

Bed (an inspired essay)

Clearly, I am not in one.

I would like to be in one... I'd like to be in yours. I'd like to be curled up against you, feeling you breathe, nestled into the smell of your skin, your hair, the curve of your neck, your chest rising and falling beneath my arm, the solidity of you reminding me that you are . indeed . real.

I can say with certainty that I love who you are. I have no fear of the word Love, I have a commitment to the word Love. I want to take the word Love and explode it into dozens of tiny pieces, each new shape reflecting a different aspect of what it is to be human and to Love. This feeling is too dense for a single word - at any moment it may collapse into a black hole of compounded meaning.

So when I say that I love you, you must listen for the resonance that speaks from soul to soul without words. It will tell you that the world is better with you in it, that I honor and admire you, that I have expanded from having met you, like a blossoming star just awakening to the constellation of its birth. It says that there is Home in you, a stillness I crave, a confidence I own, and possibilities that leave me speechless... over and over again.

Speechless. Is that not the best of communication in action? Language is inadequate to express the many-faceted gem of this emotion, red as a garnet's blood, blue as the melancholy of longing, purpled with frustration, green as barely-closeted desire, bright with joy, deep as the peace of a home-bound heart, and sharp enough to cut. It is a gift borne of you that my words fail.

God's greatest joke indeed, should this be all I ever experience of you, but I would take it and never look back, hold it to my chest until I radiated and shone and was ... what? In your eyes I know that I am Seen. I fall into those eyes each time I hear your voice, your laugh, your whisper (shhhhhhhhh...) and I have come to love the sound of your smile.

Bed. It awaits me, built of the promise that soon I will wake and say, with love, "Good morning, Sir."

M. Makael Newby, 2009 - All Rights Reserved