Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Hindsight: Dark Night/Bright Day

In light of the fact that I've just submitted all required documents to my publishing house, am about to begin my move to live with my fiance, and that tomorrow is Thanksgiving, I thought it appropriate to share my state of mind from March 2009... three months after I gave up my job in Washington DC and moved to Colorado to write my book.

I am thankful for my faith, for the financial means to meet my needs, my health, the beauty and love in my life, and for the upcoming teleseminar on becoming a money magnet from Barb Wade, Life Coach, on 12/2. Info at
(No joke, you don't want to miss this call!)

I'll be back during the first week of December and writing to you from my new home in Portland, Oregon!


70 degrees. I can see the sunlight, shining red and pulsing from the other side of my closed eyelids, mottled with spots and shadows, ghost particles traveling a slow arc across my vision. It's a beautiful day, sitting on the back deck, laptop on my lap (go figure), listening to the traffic and the dog crunching on found sticks. Who needs bones when you've got trees, god love her. No reason for me to be so... what's the word? Unsettled? Uncertain? Un-something. Satisfied, perhaps.

But then, that's not entirely true, there are circumstances at play. My period is starting today, and let's not lie, it's causing me some hormonal inconsistency. So that explains the bursting into tears suddenly, with little to no warning. Sometimes it's good to be self-employed.

But then there's that... self-employed, AKA self-paid, as in "ain't no one else gonna do it for me." ARGH, what the hell was I thinking?!

I know, I know, I was thinking that writing felt like channeling something from elsewhere, that my words have power to move people, and that I'm called to use that skill to make a difference. Blah, blah, blah. Whatever.

So I sit here on the porch, 1/4 complete on my new novella, considering a 4th grader as illustrator for my children's book, uninspired. It's just not coming to me today. The drive, the passion, the joy in the process. Am I that susceptible to the disturbance of others? It was just one phone call. One simple question from my Dad. "Are you concerned about money yet?"

Faith. How do I explain to my aethiest father without sounding like a flighty nut-job that I'm trying to reside in faith? That I am following my passions, that I wouldn't have them if I weren't supposed to DO something with them, that being worried about money will only bring me more of the same? I tell him that everything is moving along bit by bit, and worrying will only slow me down, so I try to keep from wallowing in it... don't worry, Daddy. He buys it, but do I?

And then, sure, there was the brunch conversation with new friends. Messages of faith and inspiration, of giving and receiving, of gifts not kept but passed along to give again, punctuated by ponzi schemes and Citicorp and fear fear fear. Gratitude, money is just a physical form of gratitude, disrupted by upset and blame, worry and concern, over and over again. I don't want to be around that! Please keep that poison to yourself. Ah, sigh, I should have spoken up. Just because you think it doesn't mean that you need to speak it. But that one cuts both ways.

And now I sit here... questioning. Eggs all in one basket? Anyone? Bueller? What if my money runs out? What if I can't get a publisher, or what if it takes two years before it pays off? What if I self-publish and it all ends up as a loss? What if I'm just fooling myself, making believe, just making excuses to be lazy, ensuring that I end up proving that I never deserved the generosity I've received?

Oh, but that's not new! That's the little voice that Always questions me! According to that voice I'll Never be good enough and I'm Always doing the wrong thing. I don't like that voice. Go away!

No, not you, honey, you can bring that ball, I'll throw it for you. Crunch, crunch, more sticks laid waste. Talk about a high fiber diet! She is not worried. She is just being herself, loving me, chasing the squirrels, doing what she does. She trusts me implicitly, relies on my care, never concerned that she'll prove she didn't deserve my generosity. What if I had HER faith?

I smile. Circumstances are just that, temporary circumstances. What was the phrase given me last night... This too shall pass? If I truly have faith, then I must accept this as part of the experience, part of my process of growth. Yet another opportunity to choose.

The sun has cut behind the corner of the shed now and a cool breeze brushes the back of my neck, effortlessly skirting my collar. The sky has grayed out, thin clouds impeding the warmth of the sun. But soon enough they too will disperse, and Spring is on the way.

M. Makael Newby, 2009 - All Rights Reserved

Monday, November 23, 2009

Designing Your Own Service Website

Yes, this blog is rather off-topic from my usual posts, but I've recently had the opportunity to design my own business website for my coaching services (among other ventures), and I hope that my experience will contribute to one of you, out there, somewhere!

Everything that follows is MY opinion, of course, based on my corporate experience with office and business management, systems organization, and graphic design.

When considering a design for a website top represent your services, the very first thing needs to be a clear picture of what you want to provide and to whom. A mission statement, if you will. That will give you a solid foundation from which to proceed. It also makes decisions easier, as each one can be tested with the questions, "Is this consistent with my mission?" If you aren't yet there, then reading, writing, listening, thinking, and talking about it with others is the place to start.

Having just designed my web site (, here were the components required to make it happen:

1) Layout
- What pages do I need? How do I want them to flow?

You'll see that I chose to have a Home page to introduce my services and overview the site; an About Me page to introduce myself and tell some of my story; a Mission page about my larger purpose in the world (because I have one, not everyone necessarily will); a Coaching page about my coaching and consulting business; a Workshops page about my presentations and workshops; and an Authored Works page for my book that's about to come out, to link to my Blog, and to eventually house teasers for my next book.

2) Visual Feel/Design -
What do I want my site to say to my clients - non-verbally - during the first seven seconds?

The words I used to direct the design of my site were "Organic, natural, growth/growing, safe, and open." These guiding words led to my color palette, the background textures and the tree/flower forms. I happen to have two visual design degrees, and any designer worth your time can help you suss this out. Don't forget a photo of You.

3) Content
- What do the pages say?

Your content needs to address how you meet the needs of your clients - not what you do as much as the results that they will experience through working with you. It will likely take some time to write the content that speaks to your prospective clients, and I recommend that you have it edited by someone else. Other people always catch things I miss!

4) Ancillary Materials/Sites
- PDFs for class outlines, videos of presentations, downloadable business forms - if you want your clients to be able to watch or download something from your site you'll need to create those items. What about a business blog? You're reading mine!

It is highly likely that, if you have a solid understanding of what you want to provide and to whom, once you begin writing content for your website a business name will make itself known. The emerging visual appearance of your website will also inform the design of your business documents and logo (having a consistent visual appearance is part of branding yourself). So, as you see, each part will support the others, all of them growing out of your mission/vision.

If you start with a clear mission or vision, it will all flow from there. I wish you abundant success! M. Makael Newby, 2009 - All Rights Reserved -

Thursday, November 19, 2009

New Relationship Energy

This is the second of three videos from my Non-Monogamy for the Novice workshop, this one discussing New Relationship Energy - the experience of being excited, enamored and smitten during the development of a new romantic relationship.

What has been your experience of New Relationship Energy?

Monday, November 16, 2009

Sexual Guidance (Follow-up to U.F. Inquiry #1, Part 2)

Delivering sexual guidance - there's a pitfall of potential landmines. But in the truest sense of the cliche: nothing risked = nothing gained.

It takes extraordinary courage sometimes to say or ask the potentially hurtful thing out of a commitment to a healthy sexual relationship, but that is what's required of us. Here are four suggestions for delivering sexual guidance gently.

  • Wait until the deed is done. For major conversations, like "Could you kiss me this way instead?" bringing it up during a romantic session will kill the mood. Take it from one who made that mistake - requests made during the heat of passion can be heard as criticism, and ultimately as rejection. Raise your hand if you want your lover to feel that you've rejected them? I thought not. Make a note in your mind to bring it up at a later time, when passions have cooled and major requests will be more welcome, and when you can have a conversation about it instead of an emotional knee-jerk response.
  • The way you just... Communicate criticism of what you don't like through acknowledgment of what you do like. For example, you might try, "OMG that felt great, do that again the way you just..." and describe what you want, whether he/she did it exactly that way or not. Now - be reasonable - you can't use that to tell him how to pinch your nipples while he's fully engaged in eating you out! In general, however, preceding any sort of suggestion/request with a compliment is a good practice. "That feels so good baby, just a little bit lighter?"
  • Role play teacher and student - I'm a big fan of games. Making something into a game takes the seriousness and significance out of it, and when it comes to role-playing, it provides a layer of separation between You and Me and what our characters do and say and feel. Perhaps I have a lot of experience and feel that I should know how to please you, but if my character is a student, suddenly there's room to ask and make mistakes and take direction. I'm starting to believe that this is a game each new couple should play at least twice!
  • Play teen age virgins - A variation on Teacher/Student, playing virgins levels the field. Neither one of us knows anything about anything, and we can fumble, and grope, and learn from each other without any superiority/inferiority dynamic in the realm of sexual know-how. Hell, if you want to get authentic, do it in the back of your car!

M. Makael Newby, 2009 - All Rights Reserved -

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Ultimate Fellatio Inquiry #1 - Learning, Part 2

Part 2 - Sexual Learning and Societal Expectation

Why are we not taught about how to have sex?
The techniques, the down and dirty actions to take, the ways of pleasing and pleasuring each other? It such a major aspect of our lives and our mental/emotional health - where have the sexual mentors gone?

Society has driven us to the internet.

We come of age and are suddenly expected to know what we're doing, who to be, how to be, and what to do - as if knowing the location and function of ovaries and testicles, and the phases of gestation are preparation enough.

And if I'm supposed to know what I'm doing, that means that you're supposed to know what you're doing as well - and that leaves no room for asking how to please you or directing you in how to please me. I don't want to offend you by implying that you aren't doing it right, and I can't ask for direction for fear of looking bad in your eyes. (In Inquiry #2 we'll discuss the Virgin/Whore concept.)

And so we turn to the internet - to blogs and website, to videos and tutorials, to people who will TELL US how to do what we want to do. And yet, again, there is a big difference between theory and practice.

It takes extraordinary courage sometimes to say or ask the potentially hurtful thing out of a commitment to a healthy sexual relationship, but that is what's required of us. In the next blog post we'll discuss a few suggestions for delivering sexual guidance gently.

M. Makael Newby, 2009 - All Rights Reserved -

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Ultimate Fellatio Inquiry #1 - Learning, Part 1

Part 1 - When and how did you learn to give a blow job?

Initially, I could say that I learned around the age of 11 from the descriptions in Playboy Magazine and the Penthouse Forum, followed up by cherished and guilty glimpses of Cinemax and other late-night cable movies, but there's nothing like putting theory into practice.

My first BJ happened in the back of a car - what car? I don't even remember. What guy? Aw shucks, I don't remember that either! What I do know is that it was during the Spring semester of my Senior year in high school and I was 17. He had been in my Shakespeare class the previous semester, and had graduated early, so I rarely saw him anymore.

There was a good deal of drama involved in how I attended Rocky Horror Picture Show with my girlfriends one Saturday night and ended up alone with him in his car at 4 AM on Sunday, but I was happy to be there. He was smart, nice, cute, and he chose me - that was all I needed.

I remember being nervous, wondering if I'd actually know what to do, but he unzipped his pants, pulled out his phallus, and ... there he was. Instinct took over once he guided me into position, and I honestly can't remember the rest! I know that he was surprised at my enthusiasm and skill, that I had fun, and that he thoroughly enjoyed it. Did he cum? Did I swallow? I can't recall, but it was worth facing the parents when I got home at 6 AM.

In other areas of sexual expression I was less fortunate. I was lucky to have some very patient partners who guided me, encouraged me, and taught me that
my pleasure was valuable to them. Without them I would be an uncertain, unfulfilled, and repressed woman today.

In Part 2 we'll discuss sexual learning and societal expectation.

When and where and how did
you learn to give a blow job?

M. Makael Newby, 2009 - All Rights Reserved -

Ultimate Fellatio Tip #2 - Sensual Texture

This is the second of a series of posts discussing tips & tricks from my Ultimate Fellatio workshop. Enjoy!

What is the experience of a blow job for the receiver? As a woman, I'm very aware of what I'm doing, but I can never fully know exactly how it feels to my partner. I can, however, know how my partner feels it.

He has physical sensation through the way that I touch him - the pressure I apply, the way I move my hands, the heat of my mouth, the texture of my tongue. But there are other avenues of sensation - sensual textures as I call them - that can create a more complete session. Here are four suggestions for creating a full experience.
  • Eye Contact - From the first moment you decide to share this experience, eye contact can be very hot. You can use flirty eyes, nasty eyes, demanding eyes - anything you choose to express yourself while your mouth is full. Sometimes it hurts my eyes to try to look up at his face while my mouth is occupied below, but the response is worth it. (Unless you are not allowed to make eye contact, in which case the hotness comes from obeying the rules.)
  • Moaning - The act of moaning creates vibrations in your mouth and lips that he can certainly feel. It doesn't get much simpler than that!
  • Slurpy Sounds - Giving great head is not usually consistent with looking pretty while you do it. The same goes for 'sounding' pretty. Let yourself make some noise - let him hear that you're enjoying it. Be sloppy - I mean, slurpy!
  • Full-bodied Touch - Use both hands all over his body. Certainly you'll likely have one around his dick, and sometimes two, but there are many other areas of his body to stimulate as well - nipples to pinch, ass cheeks to grab, hands to hold, thighs and hips to squeeze... Expanding the realm of your touch makes the blow job more of a full-bodied experience - and who doesn't want that? (Think not? Ask him! And then do what He wants, not what I say.)
Of course there are foods and perfumes, scented candles and flavored syrups that can be used to add smell and taste, but I don't generally mention them because you'd have to liberate a hand to pick them up and manipulate them, taking you somewhat away from the task at hand. (Literally, ha ha!)

What other ways do you use to enhance the sensual BJ experience for your partner? If you have other suggestions for the senses of smell and taste, I'd particularly love to hear them!

M. Makael Newby, 2009 - All Rights Reserved -

Ultimate Fellatio Tip #1 - Anticipation

This is the first of a series of posts discussing tips & tricks from my Ultimate Fellatio workshop. Enjoy!

When does a blow job begin?
When his dick is in your mouth? When you unzip his pants? How about the moment that you decide to blow him?

Anticipation can be used to enhance the entire experience. Our brains are our most developed sex organs, right? Let's use them. Here are four methods for creating anticipation with your partner.

  • The Verbal Tease - Call him at work and tell him what you'd like to do tonight. Send him off with a "note in his lunchbox." Deliver naughty thoughts by text message before your date. If you're feeling really impish, tell him how wet you are just imagining... allow yourself to get graphic. Anyway you work it, your blow job can begin hours before flesh meets flesh. And besides, he's likely to have a very special day with something specific to look forward to!
  • Bringing the Heat - Take that sigh of relief and turn it into the hot breath of promise. While he's still clothed - belt buckled, pants zipped - caress your way from shoulders to hips. Place your wide-open mouth over his crotch, right up against his pants, and exhale fully, following the bulge of his hidden assets. He will see your head in his lap, feel the moist warmth of your breath, and imagine what's to come.
  • Look Ma! No Hands! - Challenge yourself to remove his belt, pants, and underwear (unless hes going commando) with only your lips, tongue and teeth. It draws out the foreplay, and lets him watch you struggle in your desire to please him. If you're really into the power dynamic, he can hold your wrists while you work. If he gets impatient, rip his clothes off!
  • Everything But... - Before you remove his underwear, run the tip of your tongue along and just underneath the waistband. Run your hands up his legs and under his boxers or briefs caressing his hips, legs, thighs, ass and abdomen, but always stopping short of touching his balls or penis. The more you avoid touching his cock, the more he'll want it, and when you finally DO it will be worth the wait.
Use these techniques and you will truly blow his mind!

M. Makael Newby, 2009 - All Rights Reserved

Honoring the Agreement

This is the first of three videos from my Non-Monogamy for the Novice workshop, this one discussing the difference between cheating and functional non-monogamy. Though honoring the agreement with your partner is here addressed within the context of a non-monogamous relationship, you'll find that it applies to any relationship of value.

What has been your experience with broken agreements? Was the honor restored, and if so, how?