Friday, December 16, 2011

Chivalry & Service in the "Modern" Era

I recently read an inquiry regarding the view of Chivalry within the LGBTQ community. I, of course, am unable to reply on behalf of that community, given that I identify only as bi-sensual and spend much of my time with generally straight-leaning kinksters. Nonetheless, I found the inquiry irresistible! And BEHOLD... my response.

I'll start from a clear definition of Chivalry:

1. the sum of the ideal qualifications of a knight, including courtesy, generosity, valor, and dexterity in arms.
2. the rules and customs of medieval knighthood.
3. the medieval system or institution of knighthood.
4. a group of knights.
5. gallant warriors or gentlemen: fair ladies and noble chivalry.
6. Archaic . a chivalrous act; gallant deed.

Which leads me to Chivalrous, which is, I believe, the heart of what you're describing:

1. having the qualities of chivalry, as courage, courtesy, and loyalty.
2. considerate and courteous to women; gallant.
3. gracious and honorable toward an enemy, especially a defeated one, and toward the weak or poor.

Now, everything I say from herein is my opinion, based on my experience and education, and largely an open inquiry given that I KNOW I don't have the final answers. So here I go, and I'm a bit of a writer, so please forgive the length of this response...

Consider that a desire to be chivalrous may have less to do with one's biological gender or sexual orientation and more with the level of masculine or feminine energy (or association). Given that we each have both within us, how might the following apply to the LGBTQ community? If the masculine has evolved to protect and provide for the feminine, might chivalry be a naturally masculine act? Might it be naturally feminine to receive? Masculine and feminine are, again, energies that we each flow between in this context, having nothing to do with one's sexual biology or orientation.

Consider then that feminism has done a disservice to many of us. (That's right, I said it.) In the fight to make available to women more options in the workplace and rights in the world, the option of remaining OUT of the workplace got devalued. Accordingly, I was raised that I should be strong, capable, and independent, and not NEED anyone to do anything for me. Make my own money, pay my own way, buy my own house... basically do it all myself. Which lead to stepping into the role of protector and provider and dwelling in my masculine energy most of the time.

I'm good at providing for others, because I'm also very service oriented (and I'll come back to Service shortly), and it is exhausting for me to constantly provide for myself. It's all providing with no receiving - YUCK! It has only been in the last year that I've begun to allow myself to want want I want, which is to dwell in my feminine as often as possible. And when I do allow the masculine to protect and provide for me, and I receive it graciously, my life gets much easier!

IMHO, there can be a two-way exchange in the providing of chivalry. The returning side is called Appreciation. It has also been referred to in this thread as graciousness. I understand that it may not be expected by the chivalrous provider, and you cannot deny that it feels good. Here's the challenge for the "modern" individual (raised in the feminist era)...

If we return to the definition of Chivalrous, you'll see "gracious and honorable toward an enemy, especially a defeated one, and toward the weak or poor." Accordingly, an individual raised in the mindset of "I shouldn't need anything from anyone" may perceive a chivalrous act as an implication that they are defeated, weak, or poor, thus requiring defensiveness and posturing to prove otherwise. Sigh - there's little room for gratitude when defending.

I believe there is a crossover between Chivalry and Service. Since the definition of Service comes down to "providing a helpful act," certain chivalrous acts could also be viewed or performed as acts of service, such as opening doors for people, taking a lady's/gentleman's coat, helping someone carry something. Perhaps it depends on intention...?

For ME, Service is something I provide, Chivalry something I receive. The idea of receiving service makes me balk, it turns my world upside-down in a disturbing way, and when I think of Being Chivalrous it feels like stepping into my masculine energy (which for me is being manly). I can perform the same function from my feminine energy by Being of Service. Hmmm, interesting!

How do you relate to Chivalry and Service?

M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved -

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Lessons From My Divorce, Part 2 - Success

Success is often judged by comparing what was real to what was possible. Give that up and you've got an opportunity to have learned something!

At the notice of a divorce or break-up, it's common to hear that someone's relationship has failed. It certainly
feels true enough... My marriage ended, and I'm sad, and disappointed. So I ask myself, "Did my marriage fail?" Somehow, the answer I keep returning to is, No. Here's why...

At the core of this feeling of failure is my expectation for how I
thought my relationship would progress. I thought that my marriage would last "forever." I wouldn't have gotten married if I'd thought otherwise! My intention to create a mutually loving and satisfying relationship has been thwarted. In comparison to what I believed was possible for my marriage, this divorce is a failure.

But is an empowering life built on comparison?

When I remove the comparison of what was real to what was dreamt and imagined, I am left with only the facts of what WAS. The facts are that (despite our best intentions and significant efforts) neither of us was able to be whom the other needed us to be; we both behaved in ways that weren't productive; and the end result of our day to day interaction was largely stressful, painful, and destructive.

Those are the facts, and that is a relationship that I am happier and healthier for being without.

From that place of clarity, I can get curious about the lessons available to me out of the experience of my marriage. One of these lessons is that I am NOT reliable to know whether or not my significant, intimate relationships have the possibility of longevity! I
always think they're going to last forever! I almost always believe that we will surmount any challenge... until we don't. I am a true believer in the power of love and partnership, and a hard-working optimist at heart. I love that about me, and I get to be responsible for the consequences... like a lack of healthy cynicism. Sigh!

Sad and disappointed vs. happy, healthy and curious. Where would you rather dwell?

Now, I'm not saying that my sadness is invalid. By all means, my sadness is real, and I will allow myself the time and space to mourn the loss of what we had envisioned together. But, through my tears, I know that I'm mourning something imagined. The experiences that had us fall in love and commit ourselves to a marriage were real, and they still exist in my memory, and in my heart. They have not been lost.

And that, in itself, is a blessing. I would not give those memories back... We loved, and laughed, and wondered at the world, relished our surroundings and each other's company, and experienced both joy and magic. How could I declare that a failure?

M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved -

Sunday, November 6, 2011

New NATIONAL Tele-Class on Boundaries & Needs!

Are you frustrated? Upset? Resentful? You may have a violated boundary or an un-met need!

A boundary is defined as a line that marks the limits of an area, a division point, if you will, between one thing and whatever is not that. When applied to our interpersonal relationships, a boundary might be drawn between acceptable behavior and what's not acceptable, between what we will tolerate and what we won't. And yet, few of us are ever directly challenged to examine and clearly identify our boundaries, which creates an opening for all kinds of unconscious mischief with ourselves and others.

Undistinguished boundaries are often discovered when they get crossed.
Everything's moving along smoothly and all of a sudden we're upset! What now? Or, if a boundary is regularly disrespected, we might find ourselves feeling resentful without a clear understanding of why. Is it me? It is them? Am I being unreasonable? Why can't I just get over this?

We train our partners and friends how to behave around us.
With each interaction, we show them how to interact with us, what will be accepted and what will not, how we'll let them speak to us, etc. So if it's a major problem for you that your partner yells at you when he or she is angry, but you stick around and let it happen over and over again, the one disrespecting your boundary is YOU, and no one else can honor your boundary if you do not.

The solution is to take the time to examine our boundaries and needs, and do our personal work to honor them in the future, which includes effectively communicating them to our potential and/or existing partners.

This three part tele-class consists of:

  • 3.75 hours of group coaching (regularly over $150)
  • The E-Harmony Must Haves and Can't Stands List
  • The Relātive Creātive Boundary Worksheet
  • The Relātive Creātive Need Worksheet
  • Additional limited email coaching support as needed between classes.
At the end of the process you will have created ten Personal Agreements in a go-to document that will help you stay honest with yourself. When you're upset, this is the first place to look!

During this class you will learn to:

  • Recognize the Red Flags when a boundary is in jeopardy.
  • Identify and honor the consequences for another of crossing your boundaries.
  • Compassionately communicate your boundaries and needs.
  • Know when your needs are being met, and show appreciation!
  • Create a mutually satisfying partnership!
It all starts with YOU!

Class times are on Wednesdays at 6 PM PST / 9 PM EST. Soon after you register, you'll receive the conference call details and your Prep Work documents. The class begins as soon as you're ready!

Session #1: November 16th
Session #2: November 30th
Session #3: December 7th

Since this is the maiden voyage of this fully-formed tele-class, I'm offering a one-time reduced rate of only $45/person, payable by check or through Paypal, with a limited class-size of twelve participants. To register, click the following

Your partners cannot read your mind, and your boundaries and needs remain invisible until you make the effort to distinguish them. Do yourself and your loved ones a favor, and make this class a priority!

M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved -

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Lessons From My Divorce, Part 1

It's alright, I understand. Go ahead and say it... "A relationship coach who's getting a divorce? Isn't that a contradiction?"

The answer is no. It's always easier to see what's going on in someone else's relationship than in our own - our eyes
do point outward, after all - and a coach has no personal investment or attachment to the details of your life. But I sure do have emotional attachments to my own life, which clutters up the view screen and then some! The best we can do is respond as authentically and responsibly as possible when new information comes to light. This may be a sudden occurrence or realization, or something that has been building for months or years. We do the best we can with the data we have in each moment.

Well, I have new data to share!

My relationship with my husband, Q, has always had some challenges. Being people who do not subscribe to the "one partner should meet ALL of my needs" point of view, we made every effort to outsource the needs that weren't getting met by our partnership. The surprising truth is that our adventures in polyamory - engaging in multiple sexual and romantic engagements - had nothing to do with the breakdown of our marriage! In fact, it allowed us to stay together longer by allowing us to Choose the key issues in our relationship. Of our top issues, communication was in a race for the lead.

If you've read past newsletter or blogs, you know that we've struggled with very different styles of communication. I process out loud, Q thinks before he speaks. My processing drives him mad, his method has felt like an unbearable restriction to me. He's come from a win/lose paradigm, while I've been trained to seek the win/win. He told me how he needed me to speak to him, and how to listen to him, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't seem to master it. Does anyone else relate to this?

If I believed in luck, I'd say that I was lucky to have the opportunity to put myself into a course called
Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women only three weeks after we decided to divorce. This course is only for women, and I knew that this work was about empowering men and women in their relationships with one another. So I settled into my seat hopeful about what I'd get, and certain that MY soon-to-be-ex was a strange enough bird that most of their concepts wouldn't apply to him. What I learned blew me away.

Q is a man. Now, of course, I already knew this, right? I was not a virgin bride, and yes, clearly, he's a man. But what I mean is that he's also NOT a woman in that Men do not speak, hear, act, process their thoughts and feelings, prioritize or receive stimuli like Women. The physiological differences are apparent, but the sociological, mental and emotional ones are less so, and I was surprised to discover that my ideas of what a man
was bore a striking resemblance to how I know myself to be, as a woman. I mean - we're all People, right? Well, yes, but also no...

I was further shocked to learn that I had been engaging in all kinds of emasculating and undermining thoughts and actions with Q. I thought I was being helpful by offering to help him keep his word, meet his deadlines, remember the details he needed to manage, and generally act in the world like the person I thought he'd said he wanted to become, etc. But I was often busy being "the better man" in our relationship. Have you ever heard yourself say, "I need a wife?" Yep, that's something to look at. And sure enough, everything they told me about how to communicate with a man was how Q had asked me to communicate with him.

Now - I did NOT want to admit that he was right about ANYthing, so to see clearly how I had contributed to the anger, frustration and tension between us really pissed me off! But there it was - undeniable. When one can appreciate the natural design of Men, the possibility of allowing oneself to be a Woman arises, as well as the dance of partnership that can result. Embracing that possibility was much more appealing than being Right.

So I apologized to Q, and acknowledged my mistakes. I also started practicing speaking to him in the way that they taught me, and I'll tell you this... It is the only way that he can hear me clearly. I do it my way and I get annoyance, anger, and blame. I do it their way and I get understanding, patience, and agreement. Forgive my language, but HOLY SHIT! You cannot imagine my surprise, quickly followed by my own piss off that I've taken over 700 hours of personal development work and never yet been taught this information. Grrrrr...

Accordingly, I'm taking ALL of the PAX (Latin for 'peace') coursework, or which CMSW is a part, and will continue to share with you as I learn more about how to create exceptional relationships that allow men to be Men and women to be Women. NOTE: These lessons may not fit every man and woman 100%. I've discovered that Q needs this kind of communication style at a level that I'm not willing to master. I am WAY too high energy for him, and I bring too much intensity to my interactions. It fries his receivers. To moderate myself down to the level that would work for him on a daily basis would feel crippling to me, and it's not something I'm willing to take on any longer. I tried, I failed, and it's not my path. However, I now have a tool that works when it's really important that he be able to hear me, and that's priceless. I also have a new understanding of who I can be in a relationship, and THAT is inspiring!

To learn more about Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women, visit There's also a course for woman and men entitled Understanding Women!
I always thought there was something wrong with me that I was so exhausted after spending a full day at the office focusing on one task at a time, or that my mind wanders occasionally when I'm with my partner, even during sex. Am I broken? No, I'm a Woman! You have no idea how different we can be, and when you can appreciate the natural design of a Woman, more peace becomes available.

I am so enthusiastic about the PAX coursework that I'm considering studying to teach their workshops. I really want to expand the sphere of influence that this work has.
If I had taken this course before we married, things would have gone VERY differently. Accordingly, if YOU decide to take one of their classes or purchase one of their CDs, books, etc., please provide my affiliate number, which is 554149.

Lastly, I want to apologize to all of my gender-queer peeps. This post has largely been based on traditional Man/Woman stereotypes. Would this support you in your relationships? I don't know, and I'm going to have this conversation with other participants and keep listening for the difference it might make for you.

Lessons From My Divorce, Part 2
will discuss the importance of holding and honoring one's boundaries.

M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved -

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Our Exorcism

This blog entry may seem off-topic from most of my entries, so skip it if you're a kink, poly and relationship purist! ;)

Nonetheless, it's true - my husband and I performed an exorcism of our house this morning. Or rather, we performed one or more rituals to exorcise from our house whatever dark energies have been feeding on and impacting us for the last several months.

Now, I don't usually put much stock in these things. I may use the word "God," but to me it means 'some higher benevolent universal energy or intelligence.' I don't believe in traditional depictions of Jesus, Heaven or Hell, or in Evil, for that matter. I consciously
choose to believe in reincarnation, because that empowers me to do what I'm doing here on this planet NOW. And, it's a conscious choice, not a matter of blind faith.

In general, as a recovered Atheist, I also don't believe in blind faith! I listen to my heart, though, and follow what feels right to me. It has led me on some amazing adventures, and into a life I never imaged. But that's not the point right now...
Do I believe in ghosts? Sometimes, it entertains me to do so. Have I ever seen one? I don't think so. Have I seen evidence of some unexplainable stuff? Ah-yup. So let's say that I'm open to unconventional explanations as long as they feel right or resonate with me.

Now, I'll admit, our relationship wasn't perfect before we got married - we are human, and each have our own triggers, and our own histories and indoctrinations to manage. (Is a relationship between two human individuals ever truly Perfect for more than a few seconds here or there? Maybe during simultaneous orgasms... *wink!*) Nonetheless, we were managing them successfully, and were present to our deep love, commitment, and partnership with one another. Then we got married, and things slowly began slipping.

He got more and more violent, more paranoid, likely to rage out at one misconstrued phrase, and more likely to blame me for "everything that's wrong." I became more easily triggered as well, more defensive, snippy, and jumpy. I became a victim in my heart, extremely reactive, and descended into a swirl of confusion... "Should we remain married?" "Am I broken?" "Is this hopeless?" "Can I handle this?" "Should I leave? or Should I stay?!" and "What would happen to our animals?!"

Now, if you've known me in person, then you know that THIS is not me! I am NOT a timid, scared, victim, doubting my own ability to make a difference with myself or anyone else, and that finally hit home two nights ago.

I crawled into bed next to Q and said something about what's been going on, and he said, "I seriously don't think this is US. Whatever we've been processing, it's not OURS."

And just like that - the fog of oppression lifted, and I saw a star in the sky of my mind, the glimmer of hope and the promise of restoration. And I got ferocious in reclaiming what is truly MINE.

I said, "NO KIDDING! This is NOT ours, not You, and not Me! I've never experienced this before, and this wasn't us in Colorado. Hell, if this IS us, we're out, because this is intolerable. But I don't think this is ours..."

And Q said, "I think there's something in the house."

Here's what you should know about our house... it was a meth house before our landlord bought and renovated it. And here's something else of interest - Q went through the worst suicidal depression of his entire life in Oct./Nov. 2009, during the first 8 weeks he lived here. When we look back, the abuser/abused patterns we've been playing out really hit home after we got married in Sept. 2010. Since then, I've twice been overcome by the emotions and reactions of someone's who's been sexually abused, and that's not me. (see blog entry of Dec. 2010 for an account of the first such instance) WTF?!

So this morning we exorcised from the house whatever energies were hanging on and expressing through us. I'll save you the details of the ritual we enacted and simply say that I still smell like sage smoke. But here's what else I can say...

1) The word "husband" has completely changed resonance in my mind and heart. Yesterday it was flavored with "trapped," "baggage," heaviness and concern. Today it has been restored to "something to be proud of," "badge of honor," "partner," and a very light feeling of faith.

2) The air is clearer. I now walk from room to room with a clear mind, without the mental fog of frustration and confusion to which I'd become so accustomed.

3) I'm less defensive. EX: I was listening to a menu on the phone when Q started talking to me, and I reflexively shushed him loudly, which he hates. He added an F-bomb to his response. I'd have gone into a world of justified "not fair" and "undeserved" yesterday. Today I simply said, "Hey, you don't need to swear at me." And that was IT. That's ALL it was, with no defensiveness.

4) I'm harder to trigger! Besides the above example, Q didn't turn off the coffee maker after filling his cup this morning. Yesterday I'd have seen that and thought, "ARGH! Again? Why can't he remember such a simple thing?! How often do I have to point this out?!" etc. Today it was, "hunh," and then I turned it off. DONE. He also said he'd take out the recycling when he left today. He didn't. I saw it and thought, "Oh well. We'll do it later." No harping, blaming, growling, or dramatic sighs involved. Yay!

THIS is the me that I fondly and lovingly remember. This is an opening to reclaim the relationship, and the marriage, that I enjoy. (because I certainly have NOT enjoyed what we've been through!) AND I am grateful for the lessons we've learned and the processing we've done in the meantime. That said, now it's time to reclaim Our shared light, which is sizable, and banish the darkness.

Be gone! See ya! Buh-bye!

M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved -

Sunday, July 17, 2011

The 'Rules' of Communication

Over the last year or so, my husband and I have had some challenging miscommunications. He's accused me of being disrespectful ~ I'm not even sure what that means. He's accused me of being defensive ~ I say that I'm just sharing a different point of view. I perceive him as impatient ~ he says that I never get to the point. Recently, however, we've realized what's been happening. The key lies with the training we received from our families of origin.

I'm referring here to the spoken or unspoken expectations for communicating in the family in which you were raised.

• How did you have to speak to be heard? Loudly? Softly? Passionately? Persuasively?

• How did you have to organize your thoughts in order to be accepted and validated? Stream of consciousness? Logical progression?

• How did you have to behave or act to be respected? Deferential? Confrontational?

• Was interrupting always allowed, never allowed, or only under certain circumstances?

• How were disagreements handled, and what did you do when you wanted to convince someone of something?

In order to gain the approval of our parents, and survive within the family structure, we must learn our parents' rules. To be truthful, however, given that these rules are often unspoken, the best we can do is to glean our own perception of them. No two siblings are likely to have adopted a matched set of expectations. Additionally, being a rebellious youth makes no difference. Whether we follow them or flaunt them, we are still acting in relationship to our perception of 'The Rules.'

I propose that this training, as long as it remains undistinguished as such, becomes an invisible context for all communication within our lives - largely unconscious rules that we observe or reject almost unerringly, and by which we reflexively judge others.

For example, Q was raised in a household with a military father. When it came to the realm of interpersonal communication, he perceived his parents' primary directive as follows: Silence is Golden. What this meant was:

1) If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.

2) Think silently before you open your mouth to respond.

3) Get immediately to the point.

Anything else was considered a sign of disrespect. Additionally, unspoken within this construct was the understanding that the person on the lower side of the power dynamic (EX: Child has less power than Parent) could never win - they could only survive without losing.

On the other hand, the only child of an English professor, I grew up in a household in which I perceived the primary rule for communication as: Understand & Be Understood. This meant that successful disagreements followed a logical progression:

1) Explain your thought process so people can understand how you arrived at your current position.

2) Ask and listen to understand how others arrived at their current positions.

3) Identify the misunderstanding that caused the upset in order to avoid the same mistake in the future.

The result of this process was the agreement that no one was wrong - it was just a misunderstanding or a learning opportunity - so everyone wins in the end.

Perhaps you can see the inherent disconnect between these two approaches! One of us gets upset and I start explaining my reasoning and asking about his. Since I didn't think silently first, and I'm clearly not getting to the point, this is seen by Q as a sign of disrespect. However, the inquiry IS the point in my world, and a sign of respect in itself since I'm searching for a way we can both come out winners. The more I inquire and explain, the more he perceives defensiveness, which he's driven to exploit so that he can gain control of the power dynamic and be the one who wins.


All hope is not lost, however. Recognizing our Rules has given us some leverage against them. Q is now able to realize, during some arguments, that I don't intend any disrespect and to modify his emotions accordingly. I have been able, on occasion, to keep my mouth shut while he's silently processing his response as an intentional sign of respect, knowing how important that is to him. It's not perfect, and it has made an appreciable difference.

Are either of our background contexts likely to change dramatically? Probably not. They're deeply ingrained, automatic, and I actually like my method! It works beautifully with most of the people I've known. However, sometimes it runs me instead of the other way around, compelling me to ask more questions and explain my position when understanding what happened is really not the most pressing matter.

As with all areas of life, the more conscious I can become, the more control I'll achieve over my reflexive reactions. When I'M the one in charge of my response, my partners get to communicate with the real me, and my relationships benefit. The best I can do for now is to keep practicing!

M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved -

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Full-Bodied Fellatio: Mouth Skills

Excerpt from Mouth Skills:
"Suction – In order to practice suction, we’ll work with your fingers, so choose one to suck on. Put your finger into your mouth and get a good lip seal so that you get nice, tight suction when you suck on it like a straw. You’ll know it’s right because your cheeks will suck in. Next, practice maintaining the feeling of suction as you move the length of your finger in and out of your mouth. Keep that lip seal!

Now see if you can work your tongue against your finger – around the sides and flicking back and forth across the tip – while maintaining suction. Yes, it will be different on a penis – a penis has greater girth (or width). Accordingly, feel free to practice this technique on travel-sized shampoo bottles, or anything with larger width and a fairly smooth texture. (A rough texture or wavy surface could get in the way of your lip lock.) I hope it’s a given that you’ll practice on a dildo. Just wash it first!"

More mouth, tongue, cheek, lip and teeth tricks available through the Web Store at

M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved -

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Full-Bodied Fellatio: Consensual Power Exchange

Forced Gagging – The Power Dynamic:
"I suspect that we’ve all seen or heard the story of a woman giving a man a blowjob. He puts his
hand on the back of her head and pulls her deeper onto his cock. She chokes and angrily pushes away. She’s righteously pissed off. Why? Because this was a non-consensual act. He took control of her body without her permission. That’s NOT what we’re about in this section.

CONSENSUAL POWER EXCHANGE (The very, very basics.)

Consent – In this section, we’re talking about Consensual Power Exchange. The giver willingly gives the receiver the power to control his/her movements and actions, and the receiver takes responsibility for that power."

To learn more about the three steps involved in how I recommend that you phase your way into Forced Choking & Gagging, visit my
Web Store at

M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved -

Monday, May 30, 2011

Full-Bodied Fellatio: Gagging & Choking

Excerpt from Gagging & Choking:
"What’s Sexy? – I was once deep throating a fairly large partner, and the longer we went the more my gag reflex kicked up. (This is normal, as mentioned.) At one point, I gagged hard enough to vomit a tiny amount into my mouth. I raced into the bathroom and spit into the sink.

I returned to the bedroom and said, “That is SO not sexy.”

His response? “Well, now we know that YOU don’t think that’s sexy.” Hrm? What?

Your idea of what’s sexy may not be the same as that of your partner, and many receivers find gagging incredibly hot. Nonetheless, it can be a mental and emotional challenge for givers, not to mention the physical discomfort it creates. So here’s a tip for the receivers…

Verbal Reassurance – Tell your partner how turned on it makes you when she chokes on your cock. Don’t just expect her to know, speak it out loud. Particularly when she’s doing something that may be challenging to her self-image, your reassurance that she’s not diminished in your opinion of her is very important."

More tips and tricks for intentional gagging and choking are available through the Web Store at

M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved -

Friday, May 27, 2011

Full-Bodied Fellatio: Sloppy Blowjobs

Excerpt from Sloppy Blowjobs:
"Set the Scene – Not everyone is willing to drool and spit all over the comforter under which they’ll be sleeping in 30 minutes. If you, or your honey, are concerned with hygiene or tidiness, throw a washable blanket or a towel over the bed, sofa, or other intended play space. “Concerned about the bed spread” is not a great mental space for giving awesome head."

More tips and tricks for getting sloppy are available through the Web Store at

M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved -

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Full-Bodied Fellatio: Your Gag Reflex

Excerpt from Deep Throating:
"Love it or hate it, the gag reflex is your body’s natural defense against choking on foreign objects, and a penis counts as a foreign object. According to at least one study, however, up to one-third of healthy people don’t even have a gag reflex! If you are one of those lucky bitches, congrats! The rest of us will just have to find a way to deal with it. Here are some suggestions...


Get Numb – Run the tip of your tongue backward along the roof of your mouth until the bony feeling gives way to soft flesh. This is your soft palate. The gag reflex is often triggered when something touches the soft palate, so if this little exercise made you twitch, consider the following... Topical numbing agents can be used to numb your soft palate thus diminishing your gag response.

Good Head by Doc Johnson is a gel. Squeeze some onto a Q-tip, rub it onto your hard palate, and then swallow. This will pull the gel back onto your soft palate. Apply Chloraseptic or Comfortably Numb Throat Spray as if you were using them to treat a sore throat. Aim, and spray.

WARNING: The problem with having a numb throat is that you cannot feel any damage you may be doing. There are times when it hurts because you should stop! Be aware of the risks.

More tips and tricks for helping you to give great throat are available through the Web Store at

M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved -

Monday, May 23, 2011

Full-Bodied Fellatio: Deep Throating

Excerpt from Deep Throat Skills:
"The “Yawn” Muscle – Place your hand around your throat with full skin-to-skin contact all the way from your thumb to the tip of your index finger, as if you were going to choke yourself. Now yawn. Feel that?

A yawn is precipitated by contracting the back, or base, of your tongue, pulling it down toward your lower jaw. Put your attention on the back of your tongue and yawn again. If a doctor has ever used a tongue depressor to look at your throat, you may recognize the sensation. Your tongue is one big muscle, and a damn strong one, so contracting it in that way pushes the soft tissues of your throat further open. Can you see how this is useful?"

More tips and tricks for helping you to give great throat are available through the Web Store at

M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved -

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Full-Bodied Fellatio: Balls, Butts & What's In Between

Excerpt from Balls, Butts, & What’s In Between:
"Penetration – When preparing to penetrate the asshole with your fingers, I highly recommend that you wear a latex or nitrile glove or a finger cot (a finger condom), particularly if you use your hands roughly for work or play, or have any tiny cuts or scratches, bite your nails heavily, etc. Any microabrasions on your fingers will provide an opportunity for infection from bacteria or virus in the anus. If you won’t be wearing a glove, please trim your nails close to the quick, being careful not to cut yourself, and file the edge of your nail so that it’s not sharp.

Read my January 8th, 2010 blog post at for a description of how to introduce a partner to anal penetration for the first time.

That said, I’ll assume from here out that you have explicit permission for anal play, and that it is not your partner’s first time. Accordingly, and starting slowly unless your partner has expressed a differing desire, using one finger, or more if your partner is highly experienced, press your fingertip upward and into the anal canal to whatever depth is enjoyable for you both. And then...

Prostate Massage – ..."

To learn about prostate massage and other tricks for playing with balls, asses, and what's in between, visit the Web Store at!

M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved -

Monday, May 16, 2011

Full-Bodied Fellatio: Hand Skills

Excerpt from Hand Skills:
"The Rotating Twist – This is a two handed maneuver that can be executed with full palms or with single fingers and thumbs – adapt your method to the size of your partner. Grasping the shaft of the penis with both hands, wrists aligned, dominant hand on top of the other, rotate your wrists away, in opposite directions, as you slide up the shaft, until your wrists again align on the opposite side of the penis. Reverse direction and slide back down to the base. Repeat while varying speeds and the application of pressure (tight vs. loose)."

More hand, palm and finger tricks are available through the Web Store at!

M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved -

Monday, May 9, 2011

Full-Bodied Fellatio: Sensual Texture

Excerpt from Sensual Texture & Mouth Skills:
"Eye Contact – From the first moment you decide to share this experience, eye contact can be very hot. You can use flirty eyes, nasty eyes, demanding eyes - anything you choose to express yourself while your mouth is full. Sometimes it hurts my eyes to try to look up at his face while my mouth is occupied below, but the response is worth it. (Unless you are not allowed to make eye contact, in which case the hotness comes from obeying the rules.)"

Available through the Web Store at

M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved -

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Full-Bodied Fellatio: Communication

Pick only what most interests you... Each section of my Fellatio manual is available individually for $1.49 through my web store. Keep reading to learn a supportive way to communicate when your partner does something sexual that you don't enjoy.

Excerpt from Communication:
"If my goal is to provide pleasure, telling me what you enjoy only sets me up for success. And who doesn’t love succeeding?! Conversely, if you wish to pleasure me, telling you how to turn me on is a gift. It makes your life easier and reassures you that I don’t expect you to read my mind.

This applies to what is not working as well as what does. Now, be gentle! It’s very easy to take it personally when my efforts are not having the desired result. Let’s examine two approaches to correcting a partner who’s handling you in a way that you don’t like.

“Not like that!”
This response is vague. I know that I’ve done something you don’t like, but I’m not sure what part of what I’ve been doing is the culprit – was it my hands, my lips, did my hair get in the way, did you get scraped by my teeth... what? I’m left confused and possibly frustrated. I did something wrong, and I don’t know how to fix it. Let’s look at a softer approach.

“I like it when you lick the head of my cock instead of biting it, would you do that?”
This approach is kind, gentle, supportive, and clear! I know what I did that you don’t like – biting. Now I can avoid doing that in the future. I also know what you DO like – licking the head of your cock! I can do more of that! You also just praised me for licking you in the past, and I’m left empowered and appreciated. Which response do you think will get you a better blowjob?

(NOTE: If being corrected harshly or forced to fail is a turn-on, the above advice no longer applies!)"

M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved -

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Full-Bodied Fellatio: A Word About Pronouns

My Fellatio manual is finally available through my web store for only $9.49! The following several blogs will share small snippets from various sections of the manual to give you a tiny taste of what's there. Enjoy!

A Word About Pronouns:
"In this document, I will refer to the receiver with masculine pronouns like He or Him, and to the giver as She and Her. This is in no way meant to exclude male-bodied givers, or female-bodied persons who identify with masculine gender. The majority of these techniques also apply to the act of blowing strap-on penises, in which case intention is of paramount importance."

Do you automatically assume a particular gender association when you meet someone? Who do you know who might prefer a different gender pronoun?

M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved -

Monday, May 2, 2011

Relationships in Song

I began my college career studying musical theatre and it remains one of my great joys in life. Alas, I'm not a great actor! Nonetheless, I still listen to the soundtracks and have lately been noticing songs that tell relationship stories. Here are a few of them:

Analysis, Angst, and Hope?

"Now - Later - Soon" from Stephen Sondheim and Hugh Wheeler's 1973 masterpiece
A Little Night Music gives us an ear into the personal musings of three family members. Fredrik, husband and father, wonders, as only an attorney can, whether or not he should attempt to ravish his young, and still virginal, wife, or just take a nap. Henrik, his son, a seminary student who's only a year older than his new step-mother, laments the fear that his life will never truly begin, and Anne, Fredrik's bride, hopes that soon she'll come to desire her dear, if old, husband. A song of four sections, each character has a solo, the lyrics and melody of which finally overlap into a full and luscious layering of passion unrequited and unexpressed. Beautiful.

20/20 Hindsight.

"I Know Him So Well" from
Chess presents a duet between the wife and mistress of the top-ranked international chess player. Each has fallen for him, and - looking back - can see that he was never a one-woman man. But they fell first, and now here they are, falling apart. Someday I'll perform this duet, I swear! It's a gorgeous moment of recognition.


"Light my Candle" from the award-winning musical
RENT allows us to listen in on the first introduction between the characters of Roger, a struggling composer and rocker, and Mimi, an erotic dancer. Mimi playfully walks the line between flirting and seduction, and leaves Roger bewildered and wanting more. What fun!

M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved -

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Inquiring Into Female Desire

As you can tell from the previous article, female desire is quite an issue today in the world of human sexuality. What you may not realize is that there are multiple camps of thought - some that promote the creation of a "pink viagra" and others arguing that it's all mental and emotional. And between these camps and many other, much (as one author puts it) academic cat-fighting.

This blog, which I recommend reading, makes a good point that some of the causes of modern FSD (Female Sexual Dysfunction) are sociocultural. To quote:

"For one thing, our expectations of sex have outgrown our knowledge base. The average child is exposed to 14 thousand sexual images a year. Most of which bear no resemblance to the reality of human sexual response. I don't know how many movie love scenes I have watched over the years with no clitoral stimulation, instant intercourse, and simultaneous orgasms for both parties -- an unlikely sequence of events. And let's not even get started on the lack of realism in porn.

Then we have the self-help genre and the Oprah machine continually reminding us of just how important sex is to a happy relationship. All the while, our young grow up under abstinence based sex ed programs that tell them nothing about how to actually have "mind-blowing" sex. Factor in a culture still mired in sexism, sexual repression, and a hatred of real (but not pornified female sexuality) -- and you have a recipe for sexual dysfunction."

She also makes a smart review of the attitudes toward women's sexuality during the middle ages and Victorian Era, providing a chilling measure of context. Ultimately, research on multiple fronts will be necessary. Now, who'll fund it?

Again, I offer this link, to an article reviewing several researchers' theories of the human sexual response cycle.

M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved -

Monday, April 25, 2011

Orgasm - Sometimes Those Who Can, Teach.

Once a month, I attend a luncheon gathering for local members of the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT). Some of us who attend are not official members, but we all work within this general field. We are Sexologists, Psychologists, Psychotherapists, and Coaches of various specialties, and we have the most fascinating discussions!

October of 2010's discussion centered around working with clients who have difficulty becoming orgasmic, and I learned so much that I thought I'd share it with you.

Some of the challenges that we discussed involved male clients (no names
ever mentioned) who could achieve an erection alone, but not with a partner; female clients who feel arousal but just can't reach orgasm; and female clients who can't seem to identify anything that arouses them. One of the challenges identified for clients who cannot reach orgasm is the intense desire TO reach orgasm, and the part that societal expectations play in nourishing that anxious desire.

In a culture where we are reinforced from an early age, through media and popular dialogue, that successful sex ends in orgasm (preferably simultaneous) for both partners, the person unable to reach orgasm can experience a lot of pressure. Not only may there be external pressure - EX: a reflected sense of self from the other partner, such as 'my partner feels like a poor lover if I do not cum' - but also internal pressure - EX: 'there's something wrong with me if I do not cum.'

Add to this a culture in which the mental, emotional, and spiritual aspects of sex are not often openly discussed, particularly during our youth, when our bodies and expectations are rapidly developing, and you've got a recipe for misunderstanding and anxiety. Any thoughts of how sex Should Be, beyond 'consensual and enjoyable for all partners', is limiting. What to do?

Some of the discussed solutions involved embracing a focus on Pleasure... on enjoying the process rather than chasing a particular outcome. This is, of course, easy to say, but perhaps not as easy to actualize when one has never had an orgasm. Some questions we might ask such a client are, "When are you IN your body?" or "What is a successful sexual experience to you?" As a relationship coach, I would also want to ask, "What do
you perceive as a successful sexual experience for your partner?" and then determine if there was an open two-way channel of communication about that perception.

Therapist David Reed's model of the erotic pathway was raised, which includes the following four stages: Seduction, Sensation, Surrender, and Reflection. To quote an article on
Human Sexual Response Cycles, "During the stage of surrender we can experience orgasm. According to Reed, orgasm requires momentarily surrendering and giving up control. It requires us to take our mind off our performance or to stop "spectatoring." To experience orgasm requires us to stop worrying about how we look or smell, or about making too much noise, or about whether we are going to have a bowel or bladder accident. It also requires trust of ourselves and of our partner if we are with a partner."

For those of us who live largely in our minds rather than our bodies, this can pose an additional challenge. Although still illegal, marijuana has been known to help people get out of their heads and into their bodies, thus facilitating such a release of control, and this raises the topic of the biochemistry of an orgasm.

Apparently, orgasm is dependent on a spike in the neurotransmitter Serotonin. Anxiety is known to crash serotonin levels, so it's no surprise that worrying makes an orgasm less likely. Marijuana use facilitates the output of serotonin, but, if used daily, can establish a new "normal" within the brain. This is not unlike the Selective Serotonin Re-uptake Inhibitor (SSRI) family of drugs, such as Prozac, Paxil and Zoloft, among others, which create an even level of serotonin in the brain, and which may point to why so many people self-medicate for depression and anxiety with marijuana.

The problem here is that we need a serotonin spike to achieve orgasm, which is simply not possible when the brain's level of serotonin has been artificially raised. Et voila - SSRIs and chronic marijuana use often lead to loss of libido and/or sexual dysfunction.

Regarding clients challenged with basic arousal, we might ask them to speculate on the wide
variety of arousal vectors - visual, audible, taste, smell, tactile, fantasy, and/or contextual, among others. At this point we must also consider the common differences between the ways in which men and women gain access to arousal. While my husband may merely need to look at me as a sexual object to find something arousing, I need to experience an emotional and physical connection in order to even begin to get into 'the mood.' Breathing, energy and connection-based exercises such as those found in Tantric practices can help women and men who first need that kind of experience to gain access to their physical arousal.

Additionally, for a client who just can't seem to get there, and for whom the mental/emotional process is healthy, many of us would recommend experimentation with various
types of stimulation. Fingers are great, and there's so much more. Sex toys, dildos of different densities, vibrators, G-spot and prostate stimulators, butt plugs... until you've tried them, who knows which one might suddenly light your fire?!

Lastly, there's the importance of drilling down to the underlying issue or concern. Many a client who states, "I want to have an orgasm," may have a deeper desire that is more directly addressed. With such a client we might ask, "What would make an orgasm possible for you?" Perhaps it's trust, safety, anonymity, or another aspect that, if not distinguished, could continue to make that very orgasm an uncomfortable impossibility.

you great orgasms!

Additional Reference:
Betty Dodson, Orgasm Doctor

Article of Interest:
HBO options a controversial book about one young woman's quest for an orgasm.

M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved -

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Quotes & Articles

There are so many brilliant people in the world these days. Here are some links to several articles, videos and blogs that I've found valuable and entertaining...

"My mind thinks I am lacking - that I need this or that
something outside myself in order to be happy. Focusing on that lack - a specific house, a partner, relationships the way I think they should be - means I have attached myself to an outcome. And, therefore, I have set myself up for suffering. ... So how do I shift from the perceived separation of self from world to the idea of non-attachment - the presumably underlying reality? Part of the answer is letting go of the thing I think I must have."

Accordingly, this article shares seven tips for letting go with hope - worth reading!

To Get What You Want, Give Up, Insanely Serene Blog

"It's Gets Better" - Love, Pixar. A message of hope from the employees at Pixar Animation Studios. I dare you to not be moved! (I cried.)

The only thing missing is MY book! I'll have to send Violet a note...

2010's Top Hot Sex Books for Gifting/Coveting

A daily compilation of articles from some reputable sources, bloggers and educators.

The Sexual Freedom Daily

Monday, April 18, 2011

Relationship Tip - Doing Your Best

In most instances in my life, I give all that I've got. I was raised with a mid-western work ethic, and I've chosen to fill my life with people and responsibilities that inspire me.

Nonetheless, there's a voice within me that says it's never enough. I should be doing more, doing better, seeing greater results, accomplishing more... I could go on. As soon as I get really clear that one of these is a lie, another version pops up to say, "But what about...?"

These are the moments when I cheat myself of the success I've achieved, of who I am for people and the difference that I make in their lives. And in those moments, it helps me to remember that no matter the outward appearance, I'm doing my best.

For example, perhaps I need to have a difficult conversation with someone. I've known this for a week or more. I've scheduled and postponed it repeatedly, and now my inner critic has lots of 'proof' that I'm weak, lazy and a coward. And yet, I'm doing my best.

How is that possibly my best, you might ask? I only need to pick up the phone, dial, and talk. Well, here's the key -
my best is judged not only by the actions I take, but by the conditions in which I face them.

It takes courage and strength to deal with our internal critics. Resistance shows up, and at times it feels damn near overwhelming. Past experiences, criticisms, perceived failures and false beliefs rear their heads and try to convince us that taking action will be the death of us! It's much safer to remain immobile.

Getting anything accomplished in this internal environment often takes either a great act of will, the clarity of purpose to act
despite apparent risks, or a facility with transformation. Some people can make this shift in mere minutes, others in hours. For some, it may take weeks, months, or years. Nonetheless, I choose to believe, no matter the outward signs of success or lack there of, that we always do our best.

Sure, this gives me some mental freedom, but it makes the greatest difference in my life when I apply it to others.

Perhaps my co-worker is constantly late for work, complains about almost everything, and often leaves tasks undone. I've seen her slam dunk this job and I know that she could perform much better! In this moment, I must remember that she
is doing her best.

I have no idea what's truly going on in the rest of her life, what she may be facing with her family or friends, with her community, and most of all - within her own mind and heart. At this time in her life, it may be the best that she can do to be present each day, even if she arrives late; to speak at all, even if she complains; to undertake the tasks she's been assigned, even if she lacks completion.

Is this true? Who knows. Does it excuse her from a level of execution that's below her job requirements? No, and she'll face the consequences with our boss. Business is business. Does it allow me to have a measure of compassion for her?
Yes, and that is what makes a difference for us both.

Compassion does not mean excuse - I still need to make that phone call. And yet, if I can be compassionate with myself, and with the person on the other end of the phone, there is a greater likelihood that my resistance will shift, and so will my results.

So be compassionate with those in your lives, and especially with yourselves. You're all doing your best.

M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved -

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Canada's Polygamy Challenge

Canada legalized same-sex marriage in 2005, and now finds itself embroiled in a debate over multiple marriage -- in this case polygamy, the practice of taking more than one wife. The first link discusses the legal and socio-legal issues, the second goes more into detail about the case against the fundamentalist Mormon community of Bountiful in British Columbia. This article from April 4th gives the most recent report of the case.

Of note here is the odd alliance between the Canadian Polyamory Advocacy Association and polygamous Mormon and Muslim sects. While prosecutors make their case that polygamy is related directly to "child brides, trafficked girls, teenage pregnancies and oppressed women," responsible polyamory addresses "the private relations of consenting adults."

Hopefully you can see that these are two very distinct practices with one legal correlation. Hopefully the one will not become inextricably tied to the other.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Virginity, Feminism & Publicity: The "Deflowering" of Nicki Blue

Nicki Blue is a 21 year old aspiring porn actress who chose to "lose her virginity" live on-air on January 15th at the studios of Stepping past any personal opinions you may have about the value and validity of the porn industry, her decision - and the marketing choices of her chosen purveyor, - have raised some fascinating conversations within the sex-positive community about the meaning of sexuality and the perceived value of a woman.

It wasn't that long ago that a woman was considered the property of her father until she became the property of her husband - in fact, this mindset is still common in developed countries, not to mention third-world countries. For example, I offer an article from 2007 about two such stories from Pakistan. This is not ancient history, this is a matter of modern reality.

An article by Miss Maggie Mayhem thoroughly examines several myths about female sexuality. Each seems supported and promoted by's original press release which stated, for example, "Prior to the event, a trained expert will insert's official hymen-cam to validate that Blue's hymen is still in place and that she is a true virgin. Once her hymen is confirmed, the evening will proceed."

Maggie takes issue with the term "True Virgin" and I highly recommend her article for a thoroughly accurate education about the female hymen, including fact-based deconstruction of the myth that an intact hymen is the determining factor of virginity. Further discussion inquires into the focus on penile/vaginal sex as the form of sex through which a woman "loses" her virginity, and the perceived value of virginity itself.

Being a little bit of a language diva, let's look at the very wording here. When a woman "loses her virginity," what exactly is she losing?! Is my value as a woman diminished by such a loss?

According to Wikipedia:

"Bride price, also known as bride wealth, is an amount of money or property or wealth paid by the groom or his family to the parents of a woman upon the marriage of their daughter to the groom. (Compare dowry, which is paid to the groom, or used by the bride to help establish the new household, and dower, which is property settled on the bride herself by the groom at the time of marriage.) In the anthropological literature, bride price has often been explained in market terms, as payment made in exchange for the bride's family's loss of her labor and fertility within her kin group. The agreed bride price is generally intended to reflect the perceived value of the girl or young woman."

In such a society, the loss of a woman's virginity, if unmarried, is actually the loss of her father's or future husband's financial gain. Is that who we are today? I think not.

Furthermore, the language of virginal loss seems a disservice to young men and young women alike - implying an innocence that rarely exists in our hyper-sexualized culture; creating a focus on the Thing of virginity instead of on making healthy sexual and emotional choices; and propagating a sexist view where men are perceived to gain value for varied sexual experience, and women to lose value for the same.

Pursuant to Maggie's article, Peter Acworth, CEO of, published an extraordinary apology. "Instead of showing our gratitude to Nicki for choosing Kink to fulfill her sexual fantasy - to break her hymen during her first vaginal sex experience in front of thousands of fans - we marketed it in a way that relied on sexist tropes and myths about the female body that we should not have perpetuated," he wrote. "And that fact was rightfully brought to our attention by bloggers who hold us to a much higher standard than that. We truly thank them for it and are gratified to see issues surrounding female sexuality, virginity and sexism being discussed in public forums - even if it was as a result of our screw up."

No matter your views of pornography, this debacle serves as a reminder that women's sexuality remains only moderately liberated, and that our choice of language in all matters sexual makes a difference. We can speak a world of freedom, or a world of limitation and judgment. You choose.

M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved -

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Sex in Egypt

You think we're stuffy about sex in the USA? Try living in Egypt where even married couples have a hard time discussing sex with each other. No, seriously, to the point where they even avoided the topic during anonymous interviews for a documentary ABOUT sex.

"I couldn't use all the interviews because when they sat in front of the camera, I couldn't get something real out of them. They were going around the issue," says documentary director Amr Bayoumi.


Tuesday, April 5, 2011


Several months ago, I came across a movie from 1997 entitled Bliss. (I actually thought it was from 2007. Imagine my surprise when those huge, chunky mobile phones came into view!) The film begins on a young couple's wedding day and follows them through a year or more of a challenging marriage, and into the world of tantra as a form of sexual healing.

While it's not an Oscar-contender by any means, it was enjoyable, and worth watching. I found it to be a fairly good layman's introduction to some of the practices of tantra, such as presence in the moment, and some of the tools of sexual tantra like breath work, eye-gazing, and the separation of ejaculation and orgasm.

There seem to be as many different styles and types of tantra as there are of yoga. One could oversimplify them into the categories of White Tantra, which is an entirely non-sexual tantra; Pink Tantra, which brings in elements of sensuality; and Red Tantra, the intentionally sexual variety demonstrated in the film.

There are those of the opinion that tantra has become too focused on the sexual, and that this is a disservice. Consider this my disclaimer in the matter: This film is not an indication of all that the wide-realm of tantra has to offer. But it IS a good film that deals with an interesting relationship challenge and provides a good introduction to sexual tantra. I refer you to Sacred Sexual Healing by Baba Dez Nichols and Kamala Devi for more practical information about these three paths and using them in your life.

You can rent it through Netflix or request it at your local video joint. I recommend it for the curious!

M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved -

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Open Dating?

A high-school friend of mine saw my post about open relationships, and asked some questions. He's single, but thinks that dating with the intention of monogamy may not suit him. At least, it hasn't worked well so far. Let's take a look at the alternatives to traditional dating...

Traditional dating tends to be a period of time during which people have fun together, get to know each other, and determine if there is enough interest, chemistry, and/or compatibility to pursue a monogamous future together. But what if monogamy is not your goal?

I recommend that you be clear about that within the first two or three dates, if not during the very first one. If you don't ever see yourself committing to one single partner, your date deserves to know that, bearing in mind that your opinion
could change. It could, and she should know that it may not.

If you intend to "date" more than one person at a time, it's up to you whether or not you out that fact to your dates. Dating doesn't have to be exclusive. It's totally valid to spend time with and enjoy multiple partners without an "it's only you" commitment. This gets trickier once you involve sex in the mix, as many people falsely associate sexual intimacy with an increased level of commitment.

Thus, if you intend to be sexually intimate with more than one partner at a time, clue them in to this little factoid BEFORE you engage in any bodily-fluid-swapping contact. I also highly recommend that you get yourself tested for STIs, know your partners' health statuses, and use barriers, like condoms and/or dental dams. Your dates deserve the right to NOT share you with other partners, so give them the chance to say No. Only when they have the opportunity to give you a full-informed No can they also give you a fully-informed Yes.

"Is there a relationship of sorts or is it strictly sexual?" he asks.

That entirely depends on what you and your partners want! You may choose to date several people for the purpose of having fun and sharing companionship, and date several other for the purpose of fulfilling sexual needs and desires. Or there may be cross-over... some dates are sexual, others are not. There is no right answer, or one right way, and you get to create your dating life in the way that inspires you!

"What is the other person usually seeking?"

That depends on the person. There are a lot of polyamorous people on OKCupid, for example. Some of them (like my husband) are looking for additional sexual friendships, and others (like me) are interested in adding new significantly romantic, emotional, and sexual relationships. The key is to know what YOU want, and then look for people who
also want that.

"Is the other party typically single or are they married? If married what if the partner is cheating on their spouse? (Personal note: I don't condone that.)"

It could be either! I'm about to date a single man, who's also dating a female friend of mine, and I went on a lovely date last week with her husband. LOL! Thank goodness we're all mature adults! My husband is also enjoying a sexual friendship with a married woman, whose husband fell in love with someone else. Single or married - you could go either way.

I choose not to date (or fuck) people who are cheating on their spouses. I'm a very public person, and I'm not willing to expend the energy to Hide anything. AND, some married people feel that cheating is the only way to meet their physical needs while maintaining a happy marriage with their spouses. That's their call, not mine.

The key here? Know your own limits, and honor them.

That said, sometimes people lie. I received a call once from the wife of a man I thought was single... and wasn't that awkward?! Just do your best!

"Are there limitations or restrictions?"

Of course - I am limited to and restricted by my agreements with my husband. EX: If we have an agreement that oral sex on the first date is okay but penetrative intercourse is not - that's a limitation. Having intercourse on the first date would thus be considered Cheating.

My partners are also limited by my agreements with my husband, as they also have to walk that same line. NOTE: If I don't tell the truth about my agreements, and say Stop or No when I've agreed to stop, that's on ME - not them. They are not at fault if I break an agreement, or if we cross a line that I didn't know was a trigger for my spouse.

That said, if she tells you she can not have sex with you tonight, and then, after making out and getting all hot and bothered, says that it'll really be okay, really... Tough as it may be, I'd suggest that you honor her original response and politely decline. Leave her wanting more rather than potentially stepping across that boundary. Do not give her, or her spouse, the opening to blame YOU for her unwillingness to honor her agreements.

Ya get me? It's not worth the potential mess. If she wants you that much, she'll come back.

"Are they friends of the marriage/relationship or is it best kept separate?"

Again, that entirely depends! I know people who prefer a very private kind of poly... "You know that I'm going out with someone else, and that's all you need to know." My husband and I both prefer a very community-style type of poly... his new fuck-buddy is a developing girlfriend of mine, and he has met (and approved) both of the men I've gone out with. I could totally see us going out on a double-date sometime and having a blast!
But would our dates be comfortable with that? Their preferences also matter.

It's important that your style matches with your partners. I would feel very left out if my hubby refused to tell me about his dates, or refused to let me meet and enjoy his new partners. And someone who prefers privacy could feel very confronted by being forced to meet their loved one's other partners.

So talk about it! Ask questions. Pose some What If's, and How would you feel If's. Do your best to know yourself, accept yourself, and start opening yourself to others, and remember - life is an adventure, right? There's no one way to ride that bull, so get out there and have some fun!

M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved -