Wednesday, September 1, 2010

The predictable future, and other mis-truths.

Well, we're now at T minus 15 days until my wedding, and 9 days until we leave for the East Coast. To say that this has been taking up my time would be accurate. Even a supremely small wedding like our, with only 14 adults and three children, involves flowers, and locations for family gatherings, and my dress and his clothes, and gifts for our families, and officiants and licenses, hair and make-up, a photographer, etc. But that's not the only thing that's been on my mind, and probably not the major thing. I've largely been up against my metaphysical paradigm. Let me explain...

I was a good human child. I took the domestication, and I dove right into the Midwestern Work Ethic with which I was raised. Life works a certain way, I learned - work hard, really hard; put in your time; pay your dues; and suck it up - sometimes we have to do things we don't want to do. Contribute to society by being such a hard worker, until you've established enough of a financial base to retire, which you're only allowed to do when you reach the age of 70 or so. Then, and only then, do you get to relax and thoroughly enjoy your life.

Yeah, yeah, so I created myself as being Retired NOW, and that has provided some freedom from the Push Push Push & Hard Work that was a major reason I left Washington DC. But my internal conversations about "money" continue to be the monkey on my back, and I've come to realize something even more dangerous - even more insidious - something I learned that has caused me an extreme amount of fear and anxiety over the years.

I've been taught that I should be able to predict the future.

I have been taught that having a job that pays me money on a regular interval allows me to accurately forecast my future. I can "make plans" because I know what money is coming in when, and how I'll be able to pay for things... right? Well, maybe not. I have seen payment for services rendered NOT get paid - sometimes to the order of $20K. My previous tenant, who's boss vouched that he would always have a job, lost his job when the company closed in 2009. I have also seen unexpected checks, refunds, and work opportunities show up out of the blue.

The truth, it seems to me, is that the future is completely unknown - a mystery in which anything could happen at any time. A comet could hit the planet, an earthquake could raise a new underwater mountain and thus raise sea levels, or I could receive $20K from a generous admirer. ANYthing could happen.

If that's the case, what's the point in worrying about HOW things will play out in the future? How will I pay for the training I want to take, for the conference I want to attend, for Q's unexpected $16K hospital bill. What if this doesn't happen, and that occurs, and what if... It's all a mental masturbation... and even worse, a Negative Future Fantasy. (Thanks, Barb Wade, for such a great term!) The future is entirely unknown, and it's going to happen the way it will happen. I trust myself to deal with emergencies when they occur, knowing that "I should have known better" is a lie. The simple fact remains that in THIS moment everything is fine!

This has led me to another paradigm-shifting realization that the laws that govern My universe may not be the laws that govern Yours. When I allow myself to listen deeply to my own inner guidance, what shows up is a world in which my job is to follow what calls me - to follow my interest and attention - and, in fact, to have faith that by doing so I'll be in flow and be taken care of. THIS is what resonated with me as Real, as True.

That this way of living goes directly against everything I've learned about struggle and suffering and sacrifice - well, that's where I've been challenged lately. I flip flop between clearly knowing what actions to take, and taking those in faith, and judging myself for not taking the actions that the old paradigm says I "should" take - even if they don't inspire me. Life is blissful when I clearly hear the guidance, and as soon as it goes silent my old ways creep back in.

I feel like I'm being called to rewire my entire personal hard drive, and I know that I'm not alone.

So that's where I've been over the last month plus! A little bit here, a little bit there, sometimes inspired and led, sometimes in tears of frustration, judging myself harshly, and often grateful for the challenge. :)

As ever, I look forward to sharing the journey with you!

M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved -

1 comment: