Children, and why not to date them.

So hubby and I have finally decided that we're ready to start seeing other people. If you've read many of my past blog entries, you're likely aware that we're both naturally non-monogamous, and that we each have needs that can't be met together. Thus, our solution is to find partners with whom we Can get these needs met.

Great! Now, how does one do that, exactly?

Well, I started by checking out AFF - Adult Friend Finder. I'd heard it mentioned several times and thought I should get a sense of the site, for professional reasons if nothing else. And I got LOTS of flattering attention - most women do, I suspect. And, I actually found a guy about whom I was interested to know more.

It took a lot of time for us to meet face-to-face... I got really ill right after we met online, and it took almost six weeks before I felt well enough to meet someone new in real-time. Several times I almost quit him, a few of his emails made me rather uncomfortable, but he was persistent, and extremely flirtatious - to the point that I was a little intimidated. I kept reminding him that there were no promises, and I had no idea if we'd really click or not, and that Friends HAD to come before Benefits! He assured me that he understood.

So we met for lunch. He was moderately attractive, physically, and he was funny! Nice guy - and a REAL talker. We got on very well, I thought. Overall, he was someone I'd like to add to my group of friends - and I told him so. I thought we might be able to have some manner of sexy fun, but I told him I needed to spend more time with him first to find out. He kissed me goodbye, and meh, it was okay. Again, I needed more connection first.

Well, he wasn't happy to be put off much longer, and he wasn't available when I invited him to meet my husband at an event. I thought about it, and realized that I just don't have the connection with him that I'd need for a sexual relationship, and I don't think it'll show up either. It was my error for not honoring my instincts earlier, and I owned that. I was authentic, straight, clear, and compassionate, and I welcomed a continued friendship.

HOLY SHIT! I'd forgotten how humans can rewrite their memories to suit their current state of mind!

I subsequently received a nasty, snarky attack of an email telling me that he'd never really liked me at all, how annoying I am, how he knew from early on that I'm an egomaniac, etc., etc. and SO many other simply mean and childish things. Mean, childish, and with no basis in reality! I could show you the emails, the text messages, the many aspects of how he chased me and how excited me was about meeting me, etc. But no. Either he's the biggest player I've ever met - and I honestly don't think he's that skilled - or he's rewritten the past to save him from facing his own disappointment.

So what have I learned from this?

1. Trust my instincts. If I'm at all uneasy about someone, then I don't need to meet them!
2. It's okay to take my time - and theirs. I have a life. You do too. If you don't get to meet me right away, that's okay! You can wait! And so can I. Anyone who feels the need to rush me probably isn't someone I want to meet.
3. If the chemistry/connection isn't there, then it isn't there. I'm not looking for a relationship that will grow on me - I'm explicitly looking for a quick and palpable connection. And that's okay.
4. I might want to go out on 3, 5, or even 10 dates before I decide whether or not I'm going to have sex with you! And I will make sure you understand that from the start. If you've got a problem with that, then we shouldn't "start" at all!

I have also been reminded that there are some very emotionally immature adults in the world, and that sometimes good intentions don't matter. Not everyone can handle the straight facts. I'd still like to make a difference with him - his behavior is not conducive to successful future relationships - but given the story he's told himself about me... I doubt he could hear anything I say.

I am sad and disappointed. But there's also excitement, because I've met this other guy through OkCupid...


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