When considering roles within the BDSM scene, it is easy to explain what I enjoy in each one physically. I am a dancer and so there is a rhythmic action in flogging, particularly Florentine, that I truly enjoy. It is an artistic physical expression, and Topping is the only way I experience it.
Regarding my submission, it is simple enough to say that I love the feel of a hand knotted against my scalp, the force of a punch as it throws me forward, the way the impact resonates through my frame. But are those sensations enough to justify what it takes to live in this lifestyle? I am much more interested in the WHY of these roles. What do I get out of it? The physicality is a momentary experience... what do I experience that stays with me over time and makes me want more?
I Top for the contribution and for the head-space. When I Top, I lose connection with the outside world. My environment contracts to contain only the space between me and my bottom. I become so completely focused on his experience that I actually cease to be a concern. I disappear, and for one who spends too much time trapped in her own active mind and swirling thoughts, that is miraculous. I get to serve my subject's needs, be a contribution to his desires, and disappear my ego for an hour. And I look hot doing it. It's a win-win situation.
My submission shows up in radically different ways. It can be as simple as sitting at my fiance's feet with my face against his knee and his hand in my hair. I love being useful and appreciated, so bringing him a drink, bringing over people he wants to meet, and myriad other small services are enjoyable for me. I was actually surprised by how much I enjoyed making dinner for him, doing his laundry, etc. this summer! I don't know why - it makes complete sense when I stop to think about it.
I suspect that I would make a wonderfully devoted "pet" (we haven't yet taken it that far), and that part of my desire ties in easily with sexual urges to please and be of service. I like knowing that I provide something of value for him, that he enjoys having me his way, even if I don't always enjoy it. On the other hand, my expression of submission can be as intense as allowing myself to be restrained and "beaten" until I cry, and then some more. That goes to Why I submit. Certainly there is the service aspect of submitting to an intense physical scene, that my partner needs to express himself that way and I get to be the canvas. I provide an outlet, and that is service. A Dominant who will beat me solely for my desire is not enough, I want a partner who's needs correspond with my own... a partnership.
Additionally, I've discovered that I live in a paradigm which says that if I CAN be strong, in control, and powerful then I MUST be so. There is little room for failure in this paradigm. I'm not saying it's always in play, or that it works particularly well when it is, but this is an over-arching theme in my experience of my life.
When I am restrained and beaten there is no way out. I am no longer responsible in the moment for Getting Out, as that option has been removed, although it does take me a period of resistance to accept that finality. Being restrained and beaten, particularly by one for whom I care, gives me permission to be weak & powerless, to relinquish control and to surrender in ways that I am rarely, if ever, able to access in my daily life. It provides a HUGE emotional release that I crave, and which leaves me in a space of surrendered gratitude for days after and is remembered for years. That part of my life has nothing to do with sex (so far!), but it is something that balances me for a time, and something I qualify as a Need.
Would I like to find a way of achieving this release without the need for a partner in the process? Heck yes, but this way has not yet been revealed. Would I still choose to submit if I did not need it for this release? Yes, I believe that I will always wish to serve in some respect or another.
The challenge now resides in finding the ways in which his domination and my submission fit together, or don't fit, and creating a loving, satisfying, working relationship for us both! So far, so good.
M. Makael Newby, 2009 - All Rights Reserved
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