Success is often judged by comparing what was real to what was possible. Give that up and you've got an opportunity to have learned something!
At the notice of a divorce or break-up, it's common to hear that someone's relationship has failed. It certainly feels true enough... My marriage ended, and I'm sad, and disappointed. So I ask myself, "Did my marriage fail?" Somehow, the answer I keep returning to is, No. Here's why...
At the core of this feeling of failure is my expectation for how I thought my relationship would progress. I thought that my marriage would last "forever." I wouldn't have gotten married if I'd thought otherwise! My intention to create a mutually loving and satisfying relationship has been thwarted. In comparison to what I believed was possible for my marriage, this divorce is a failure.
But is an empowering life built on comparison?
When I remove the comparison of what was real to what was dreamt and imagined, I am left with only the facts of what WAS. The facts are that (despite our best intentions and significant efforts) neither of us was able to be whom the other needed us to be; we both behaved in ways that weren't productive; and the end result of our day to day interaction was largely stressful, painful, and destructive.
Those are the facts, and that is a relationship that I am happier and healthier for being without.
From that place of clarity, I can get curious about the lessons available to me out of the experience of my marriage. One of these lessons is that I am NOT reliable to know whether or not my significant, intimate relationships have the possibility of longevity! I always think they're going to last forever! I almost always believe that we will surmount any challenge... until we don't. I am a true believer in the power of love and partnership, and a hard-working optimist at heart. I love that about me, and I get to be responsible for the consequences... like a lack of healthy cynicism. Sigh!
Sad and disappointed vs. happy, healthy and curious. Where would you rather dwell?
Now, I'm not saying that my sadness is invalid. By all means, my sadness is real, and I will allow myself the time and space to mourn the loss of what we had envisioned together. But, through my tears, I know that I'm mourning something imagined. The experiences that had us fall in love and commit ourselves to a marriage were real, and they still exist in my memory, and in my heart. They have not been lost.
And that, in itself, is a blessing. I would not give those memories back... We loved, and laughed, and wondered at the world, relished our surroundings and each other's company, and experienced both joy and magic. How could I declare that a failure?
M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved - http://www.mmakaelnewby.com
Showing posts with label relationship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationship. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Sunday, November 6, 2011
New NATIONAL Tele-Class on Boundaries & Needs!
Are you frustrated? Upset? Resentful? You may have a violated boundary or an un-met need!
A boundary is defined as a line that marks the limits of an area, a division point, if you will, between one thing and whatever is not that. When applied to our interpersonal relationships, a boundary might be drawn between acceptable behavior and what's not acceptable, between what we will tolerate and what we won't. And yet, few of us are ever directly challenged to examine and clearly identify our boundaries, which creates an opening for all kinds of unconscious mischief with ourselves and others.
Undistinguished boundaries are often discovered when they get crossed. Everything's moving along smoothly and all of a sudden we're upset! What now? Or, if a boundary is regularly disrespected, we might find ourselves feeling resentful without a clear understanding of why. Is it me? It is them? Am I being unreasonable? Why can't I just get over this?
We train our partners and friends how to behave around us. With each interaction, we show them how to interact with us, what will be accepted and what will not, how we'll let them speak to us, etc. So if it's a major problem for you that your partner yells at you when he or she is angry, but you stick around and let it happen over and over again, the one disrespecting your boundary is YOU, and no one else can honor your boundary if you do not.
The solution is to take the time to examine our boundaries and needs, and do our personal work to honor them in the future, which includes effectively communicating them to our potential and/or existing partners.
This three part tele-class consists of:
During this class you will learn to:
Class times are on Wednesdays at 6 PM PST / 9 PM EST. Soon after you register, you'll receive the conference call details and your Prep Work documents. The class begins as soon as you're ready!
Since this is the maiden voyage of this fully-formed tele-class, I'm offering a one-time reduced rate of only $45/person, payable by check or through Paypal, with a limited class-size of twelve participants. To register, click the following LINK.
Your partners cannot read your mind, and your boundaries and needs remain invisible until you make the effort to distinguish them. Do yourself and your loved ones a favor, and make this class a priority!
M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com
A boundary is defined as a line that marks the limits of an area, a division point, if you will, between one thing and whatever is not that. When applied to our interpersonal relationships, a boundary might be drawn between acceptable behavior and what's not acceptable, between what we will tolerate and what we won't. And yet, few of us are ever directly challenged to examine and clearly identify our boundaries, which creates an opening for all kinds of unconscious mischief with ourselves and others.
Undistinguished boundaries are often discovered when they get crossed. Everything's moving along smoothly and all of a sudden we're upset! What now? Or, if a boundary is regularly disrespected, we might find ourselves feeling resentful without a clear understanding of why. Is it me? It is them? Am I being unreasonable? Why can't I just get over this?
We train our partners and friends how to behave around us. With each interaction, we show them how to interact with us, what will be accepted and what will not, how we'll let them speak to us, etc. So if it's a major problem for you that your partner yells at you when he or she is angry, but you stick around and let it happen over and over again, the one disrespecting your boundary is YOU, and no one else can honor your boundary if you do not.
The solution is to take the time to examine our boundaries and needs, and do our personal work to honor them in the future, which includes effectively communicating them to our potential and/or existing partners.
This three part tele-class consists of:
- 3.75 hours of group coaching (regularly over $150)
- The E-Harmony Must Haves and Can't Stands List
- The Relātive Creātive Boundary Worksheet
- The Relātive Creātive Need Worksheet
- Additional limited email coaching support as needed between classes.
During this class you will learn to:
- Recognize the Red Flags when a boundary is in jeopardy.
- Identify and honor the consequences for another of crossing your boundaries.
- Compassionately communicate your boundaries and needs.
- Know when your needs are being met, and show appreciation!
- Create a mutually satisfying partnership!
Class times are on Wednesdays at 6 PM PST / 9 PM EST. Soon after you register, you'll receive the conference call details and your Prep Work documents. The class begins as soon as you're ready!
Session #1: November 16th
Session #2: November 30th
Session #3: December 7th
Session #3: December 7th
Since this is the maiden voyage of this fully-formed tele-class, I'm offering a one-time reduced rate of only $45/person, payable by check or through Paypal, with a limited class-size of twelve participants. To register, click the following LINK.
Your partners cannot read your mind, and your boundaries and needs remain invisible until you make the effort to distinguish them. Do yourself and your loved ones a favor, and make this class a priority!
M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Lessons From My Divorce, Part 1
It's alright, I understand. Go ahead and say it... "A relationship coach who's getting a divorce? Isn't that a contradiction?"
The answer is no. It's always easier to see what's going on in someone else's relationship than in our own - our eyes do point outward, after all - and a coach has no personal investment or attachment to the details of your life. But I sure do have emotional attachments to my own life, which clutters up the view screen and then some! The best we can do is respond as authentically and responsibly as possible when new information comes to light. This may be a sudden occurrence or realization, or something that has been building for months or years. We do the best we can with the data we have in each moment.
Well, I have new data to share!
My relationship with my husband, Q, has always had some challenges. Being people who do not subscribe to the "one partner should meet ALL of my needs" point of view, we made every effort to outsource the needs that weren't getting met by our partnership. The surprising truth is that our adventures in polyamory - engaging in multiple sexual and romantic engagements - had nothing to do with the breakdown of our marriage! In fact, it allowed us to stay together longer by allowing us to Choose the key issues in our relationship. Of our top issues, communication was in a race for the lead.
If you've read past newsletter or blogs, you know that we've struggled with very different styles of communication. I process out loud, Q thinks before he speaks. My processing drives him mad, his method has felt like an unbearable restriction to me. He's come from a win/lose paradigm, while I've been trained to seek the win/win. He told me how he needed me to speak to him, and how to listen to him, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't seem to master it. Does anyone else relate to this?
If I believed in luck, I'd say that I was lucky to have the opportunity to put myself into a course called Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women only three weeks after we decided to divorce. This course is only for women, and I knew that this work was about empowering men and women in their relationships with one another. So I settled into my seat hopeful about what I'd get, and certain that MY soon-to-be-ex was a strange enough bird that most of their concepts wouldn't apply to him. What I learned blew me away.
Q is a man. Now, of course, I already knew this, right? I was not a virgin bride, and yes, clearly, he's a man. But what I mean is that he's also NOT a woman in that Men do not speak, hear, act, process their thoughts and feelings, prioritize or receive stimuli like Women. The physiological differences are apparent, but the sociological, mental and emotional ones are less so, and I was surprised to discover that my ideas of what a man was bore a striking resemblance to how I know myself to be, as a woman. I mean - we're all People, right? Well, yes, but also no...
I was further shocked to learn that I had been engaging in all kinds of emasculating and undermining thoughts and actions with Q. I thought I was being helpful by offering to help him keep his word, meet his deadlines, remember the details he needed to manage, and generally act in the world like the person I thought he'd said he wanted to become, etc. But I was often busy being "the better man" in our relationship. Have you ever heard yourself say, "I need a wife?" Yep, that's something to look at. And sure enough, everything they told me about how to communicate with a man was how Q had asked me to communicate with him.
Now - I did NOT want to admit that he was right about ANYthing, so to see clearly how I had contributed to the anger, frustration and tension between us really pissed me off! But there it was - undeniable. When one can appreciate the natural design of Men, the possibility of allowing oneself to be a Woman arises, as well as the dance of partnership that can result. Embracing that possibility was much more appealing than being Right.
So I apologized to Q, and acknowledged my mistakes. I also started practicing speaking to him in the way that they taught me, and I'll tell you this... It is the only way that he can hear me clearly. I do it my way and I get annoyance, anger, and blame. I do it their way and I get understanding, patience, and agreement. Forgive my language, but HOLY SHIT! You cannot imagine my surprise, quickly followed by my own piss off that I've taken over 700 hours of personal development work and never yet been taught this information. Grrrrr...
Accordingly, I'm taking ALL of the PAX (Latin for 'peace') coursework, or which CMSW is a part, and will continue to share with you as I learn more about how to create exceptional relationships that allow men to be Men and women to be Women. NOTE: These lessons may not fit every man and woman 100%. I've discovered that Q needs this kind of communication style at a level that I'm not willing to master. I am WAY too high energy for him, and I bring too much intensity to my interactions. It fries his receivers. To moderate myself down to the level that would work for him on a daily basis would feel crippling to me, and it's not something I'm willing to take on any longer. I tried, I failed, and it's not my path. However, I now have a tool that works when it's really important that he be able to hear me, and that's priceless. I also have a new understanding of who I can be in a relationship, and THAT is inspiring!
To learn more about Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women, visit www.understandmen.com. There's also a course for woman and men entitled Understanding Women! I always thought there was something wrong with me that I was so exhausted after spending a full day at the office focusing on one task at a time, or that my mind wanders occasionally when I'm with my partner, even during sex. Am I broken? No, I'm a Woman! You have no idea how different we can be, and when you can appreciate the natural design of a Woman, more peace becomes available.
I am so enthusiastic about the PAX coursework that I'm considering studying to teach their workshops. I really want to expand the sphere of influence that this work has. If I had taken this course before we married, things would have gone VERY differently. Accordingly, if YOU decide to take one of their classes or purchase one of their CDs, books, etc., please provide my affiliate number, which is 554149.
Lastly, I want to apologize to all of my gender-queer peeps. This post has largely been based on traditional Man/Woman stereotypes. Would this support you in your relationships? I don't know, and I'm going to have this conversation with other participants and keep listening for the difference it might make for you.
Lessons From My Divorce, Part 2 will discuss the importance of holding and honoring one's boundaries.
M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com
The answer is no. It's always easier to see what's going on in someone else's relationship than in our own - our eyes do point outward, after all - and a coach has no personal investment or attachment to the details of your life. But I sure do have emotional attachments to my own life, which clutters up the view screen and then some! The best we can do is respond as authentically and responsibly as possible when new information comes to light. This may be a sudden occurrence or realization, or something that has been building for months or years. We do the best we can with the data we have in each moment.
Well, I have new data to share!
My relationship with my husband, Q, has always had some challenges. Being people who do not subscribe to the "one partner should meet ALL of my needs" point of view, we made every effort to outsource the needs that weren't getting met by our partnership. The surprising truth is that our adventures in polyamory - engaging in multiple sexual and romantic engagements - had nothing to do with the breakdown of our marriage! In fact, it allowed us to stay together longer by allowing us to Choose the key issues in our relationship. Of our top issues, communication was in a race for the lead.
If you've read past newsletter or blogs, you know that we've struggled with very different styles of communication. I process out loud, Q thinks before he speaks. My processing drives him mad, his method has felt like an unbearable restriction to me. He's come from a win/lose paradigm, while I've been trained to seek the win/win. He told me how he needed me to speak to him, and how to listen to him, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't seem to master it. Does anyone else relate to this?
If I believed in luck, I'd say that I was lucky to have the opportunity to put myself into a course called Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women only three weeks after we decided to divorce. This course is only for women, and I knew that this work was about empowering men and women in their relationships with one another. So I settled into my seat hopeful about what I'd get, and certain that MY soon-to-be-ex was a strange enough bird that most of their concepts wouldn't apply to him. What I learned blew me away.
Q is a man. Now, of course, I already knew this, right? I was not a virgin bride, and yes, clearly, he's a man. But what I mean is that he's also NOT a woman in that Men do not speak, hear, act, process their thoughts and feelings, prioritize or receive stimuli like Women. The physiological differences are apparent, but the sociological, mental and emotional ones are less so, and I was surprised to discover that my ideas of what a man was bore a striking resemblance to how I know myself to be, as a woman. I mean - we're all People, right? Well, yes, but also no...
I was further shocked to learn that I had been engaging in all kinds of emasculating and undermining thoughts and actions with Q. I thought I was being helpful by offering to help him keep his word, meet his deadlines, remember the details he needed to manage, and generally act in the world like the person I thought he'd said he wanted to become, etc. But I was often busy being "the better man" in our relationship. Have you ever heard yourself say, "I need a wife?" Yep, that's something to look at. And sure enough, everything they told me about how to communicate with a man was how Q had asked me to communicate with him.
Now - I did NOT want to admit that he was right about ANYthing, so to see clearly how I had contributed to the anger, frustration and tension between us really pissed me off! But there it was - undeniable. When one can appreciate the natural design of Men, the possibility of allowing oneself to be a Woman arises, as well as the dance of partnership that can result. Embracing that possibility was much more appealing than being Right.
So I apologized to Q, and acknowledged my mistakes. I also started practicing speaking to him in the way that they taught me, and I'll tell you this... It is the only way that he can hear me clearly. I do it my way and I get annoyance, anger, and blame. I do it their way and I get understanding, patience, and agreement. Forgive my language, but HOLY SHIT! You cannot imagine my surprise, quickly followed by my own piss off that I've taken over 700 hours of personal development work and never yet been taught this information. Grrrrr...
Accordingly, I'm taking ALL of the PAX (Latin for 'peace') coursework, or which CMSW is a part, and will continue to share with you as I learn more about how to create exceptional relationships that allow men to be Men and women to be Women. NOTE: These lessons may not fit every man and woman 100%. I've discovered that Q needs this kind of communication style at a level that I'm not willing to master. I am WAY too high energy for him, and I bring too much intensity to my interactions. It fries his receivers. To moderate myself down to the level that would work for him on a daily basis would feel crippling to me, and it's not something I'm willing to take on any longer. I tried, I failed, and it's not my path. However, I now have a tool that works when it's really important that he be able to hear me, and that's priceless. I also have a new understanding of who I can be in a relationship, and THAT is inspiring!
To learn more about Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women, visit www.understandmen.com. There's also a course for woman and men entitled Understanding Women! I always thought there was something wrong with me that I was so exhausted after spending a full day at the office focusing on one task at a time, or that my mind wanders occasionally when I'm with my partner, even during sex. Am I broken? No, I'm a Woman! You have no idea how different we can be, and when you can appreciate the natural design of a Woman, more peace becomes available.
I am so enthusiastic about the PAX coursework that I'm considering studying to teach their workshops. I really want to expand the sphere of influence that this work has. If I had taken this course before we married, things would have gone VERY differently. Accordingly, if YOU decide to take one of their classes or purchase one of their CDs, books, etc., please provide my affiliate number, which is 554149.
Lastly, I want to apologize to all of my gender-queer peeps. This post has largely been based on traditional Man/Woman stereotypes. Would this support you in your relationships? I don't know, and I'm going to have this conversation with other participants and keep listening for the difference it might make for you.
Lessons From My Divorce, Part 2 will discuss the importance of holding and honoring one's boundaries.
M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com
Monday, May 2, 2011
Relationships in Song
I began my college career studying musical theatre and it remains one of my great joys in life. Alas, I'm not a great actor! Nonetheless, I still listen to the soundtracks and have lately been noticing songs that tell relationship stories. Here are a few of them:
Analysis, Angst, and Hope?
"Now - Later - Soon" from Stephen Sondheim and Hugh Wheeler's 1973 masterpiece A Little Night Music gives us an ear into the personal musings of three family members. Fredrik, husband and father, wonders, as only an attorney can, whether or not he should attempt to ravish his young, and still virginal, wife, or just take a nap. Henrik, his son, a seminary student who's only a year older than his new step-mother, laments the fear that his life will never truly begin, and Anne, Fredrik's bride, hopes that soon she'll come to desire her dear, if old, husband. A song of four sections, each character has a solo, the lyrics and melody of which finally overlap into a full and luscious layering of passion unrequited and unexpressed. Beautiful.
20/20 Hindsight.
"I Know Him So Well" from Chess presents a duet between the wife and mistress of the top-ranked international chess player. Each has fallen for him, and - looking back - can see that he was never a one-woman man. But they fell first, and now here they are, falling apart. Someday I'll perform this duet, I swear! It's a gorgeous moment of recognition.
Flirting!
"Light my Candle" from the award-winning musical RENT allows us to listen in on the first introduction between the characters of Roger, a struggling composer and rocker, and Mimi, an erotic dancer. Mimi playfully walks the line between flirting and seduction, and leaves Roger bewildered and wanting more. What fun!
M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com
Analysis, Angst, and Hope?
"Now - Later - Soon" from Stephen Sondheim and Hugh Wheeler's 1973 masterpiece A Little Night Music gives us an ear into the personal musings of three family members. Fredrik, husband and father, wonders, as only an attorney can, whether or not he should attempt to ravish his young, and still virginal, wife, or just take a nap. Henrik, his son, a seminary student who's only a year older than his new step-mother, laments the fear that his life will never truly begin, and Anne, Fredrik's bride, hopes that soon she'll come to desire her dear, if old, husband. A song of four sections, each character has a solo, the lyrics and melody of which finally overlap into a full and luscious layering of passion unrequited and unexpressed. Beautiful.
20/20 Hindsight.
"I Know Him So Well" from Chess presents a duet between the wife and mistress of the top-ranked international chess player. Each has fallen for him, and - looking back - can see that he was never a one-woman man. But they fell first, and now here they are, falling apart. Someday I'll perform this duet, I swear! It's a gorgeous moment of recognition.
Flirting!
"Light my Candle" from the award-winning musical RENT allows us to listen in on the first introduction between the characters of Roger, a struggling composer and rocker, and Mimi, an erotic dancer. Mimi playfully walks the line between flirting and seduction, and leaves Roger bewildered and wanting more. What fun!
M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com
Monday, April 18, 2011
Relationship Tip - Doing Your Best
In most instances in my life, I give all that I've got. I was raised with a mid-western work ethic, and I've chosen to fill my life with people and responsibilities that inspire me.
Nonetheless, there's a voice within me that says it's never enough. I should be doing more, doing better, seeing greater results, accomplishing more... I could go on. As soon as I get really clear that one of these is a lie, another version pops up to say, "But what about...?"
These are the moments when I cheat myself of the success I've achieved, of who I am for people and the difference that I make in their lives. And in those moments, it helps me to remember that no matter the outward appearance, I'm doing my best.
For example, perhaps I need to have a difficult conversation with someone. I've known this for a week or more. I've scheduled and postponed it repeatedly, and now my inner critic has lots of 'proof' that I'm weak, lazy and a coward. And yet, I'm doing my best.
How is that possibly my best, you might ask? I only need to pick up the phone, dial, and talk. Well, here's the key - my best is judged not only by the actions I take, but by the conditions in which I face them.
It takes courage and strength to deal with our internal critics. Resistance shows up, and at times it feels damn near overwhelming. Past experiences, criticisms, perceived failures and false beliefs rear their heads and try to convince us that taking action will be the death of us! It's much safer to remain immobile.
Getting anything accomplished in this internal environment often takes either a great act of will, the clarity of purpose to act despite apparent risks, or a facility with transformation. Some people can make this shift in mere minutes, others in hours. For some, it may take weeks, months, or years. Nonetheless, I choose to believe, no matter the outward signs of success or lack there of, that we always do our best.
Sure, this gives me some mental freedom, but it makes the greatest difference in my life when I apply it to others.
Perhaps my co-worker is constantly late for work, complains about almost everything, and often leaves tasks undone. I've seen her slam dunk this job and I know that she could perform much better! In this moment, I must remember that she is doing her best.
I have no idea what's truly going on in the rest of her life, what she may be facing with her family or friends, with her community, and most of all - within her own mind and heart. At this time in her life, it may be the best that she can do to be present each day, even if she arrives late; to speak at all, even if she complains; to undertake the tasks she's been assigned, even if she lacks completion.
Is this true? Who knows. Does it excuse her from a level of execution that's below her job requirements? No, and she'll face the consequences with our boss. Business is business. Does it allow me to have a measure of compassion for her? Yes, and that is what makes a difference for us both.
Compassion does not mean excuse - I still need to make that phone call. And yet, if I can be compassionate with myself, and with the person on the other end of the phone, there is a greater likelihood that my resistance will shift, and so will my results.
So be compassionate with those in your lives, and especially with yourselves. You're all doing your best.
M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com
Nonetheless, there's a voice within me that says it's never enough. I should be doing more, doing better, seeing greater results, accomplishing more... I could go on. As soon as I get really clear that one of these is a lie, another version pops up to say, "But what about...?"
These are the moments when I cheat myself of the success I've achieved, of who I am for people and the difference that I make in their lives. And in those moments, it helps me to remember that no matter the outward appearance, I'm doing my best.
For example, perhaps I need to have a difficult conversation with someone. I've known this for a week or more. I've scheduled and postponed it repeatedly, and now my inner critic has lots of 'proof' that I'm weak, lazy and a coward. And yet, I'm doing my best.
How is that possibly my best, you might ask? I only need to pick up the phone, dial, and talk. Well, here's the key - my best is judged not only by the actions I take, but by the conditions in which I face them.
It takes courage and strength to deal with our internal critics. Resistance shows up, and at times it feels damn near overwhelming. Past experiences, criticisms, perceived failures and false beliefs rear their heads and try to convince us that taking action will be the death of us! It's much safer to remain immobile.
Getting anything accomplished in this internal environment often takes either a great act of will, the clarity of purpose to act despite apparent risks, or a facility with transformation. Some people can make this shift in mere minutes, others in hours. For some, it may take weeks, months, or years. Nonetheless, I choose to believe, no matter the outward signs of success or lack there of, that we always do our best.
Sure, this gives me some mental freedom, but it makes the greatest difference in my life when I apply it to others.
Perhaps my co-worker is constantly late for work, complains about almost everything, and often leaves tasks undone. I've seen her slam dunk this job and I know that she could perform much better! In this moment, I must remember that she is doing her best.
I have no idea what's truly going on in the rest of her life, what she may be facing with her family or friends, with her community, and most of all - within her own mind and heart. At this time in her life, it may be the best that she can do to be present each day, even if she arrives late; to speak at all, even if she complains; to undertake the tasks she's been assigned, even if she lacks completion.
Is this true? Who knows. Does it excuse her from a level of execution that's below her job requirements? No, and she'll face the consequences with our boss. Business is business. Does it allow me to have a measure of compassion for her? Yes, and that is what makes a difference for us both.
Compassion does not mean excuse - I still need to make that phone call. And yet, if I can be compassionate with myself, and with the person on the other end of the phone, there is a greater likelihood that my resistance will shift, and so will my results.
So be compassionate with those in your lives, and especially with yourselves. You're all doing your best.
M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Open Dating?
A high-school friend of mine saw my post about open relationships, and asked some questions. He's single, but thinks that dating with the intention of monogamy may not suit him. At least, it hasn't worked well so far. Let's take a look at the alternatives to traditional dating...
Traditional dating tends to be a period of time during which people have fun together, get to know each other, and determine if there is enough interest, chemistry, and/or compatibility to pursue a monogamous future together. But what if monogamy is not your goal?
I recommend that you be clear about that within the first two or three dates, if not during the very first one. If you don't ever see yourself committing to one single partner, your date deserves to know that, bearing in mind that your opinion could change. It could, and she should know that it may not.
If you intend to "date" more than one person at a time, it's up to you whether or not you out that fact to your dates. Dating doesn't have to be exclusive. It's totally valid to spend time with and enjoy multiple partners without an "it's only you" commitment. This gets trickier once you involve sex in the mix, as many people falsely associate sexual intimacy with an increased level of commitment.
Thus, if you intend to be sexually intimate with more than one partner at a time, clue them in to this little factoid BEFORE you engage in any bodily-fluid-swapping contact. I also highly recommend that you get yourself tested for STIs, know your partners' health statuses, and use barriers, like condoms and/or dental dams. Your dates deserve the right to NOT share you with other partners, so give them the chance to say No. Only when they have the opportunity to give you a full-informed No can they also give you a fully-informed Yes.
"Is there a relationship of sorts or is it strictly sexual?" he asks.
That entirely depends on what you and your partners want! You may choose to date several people for the purpose of having fun and sharing companionship, and date several other for the purpose of fulfilling sexual needs and desires. Or there may be cross-over... some dates are sexual, others are not. There is no right answer, or one right way, and you get to create your dating life in the way that inspires you!
"What is the other person usually seeking?"
That depends on the person. There are a lot of polyamorous people on OKCupid, for example. Some of them (like my husband) are looking for additional sexual friendships, and others (like me) are interested in adding new significantly romantic, emotional, and sexual relationships. The key is to know what YOU want, and then look for people who also want that.
"Is the other party typically single or are they married? If married what if the partner is cheating on their spouse? (Personal note: I don't condone that.)"
It could be either! I'm about to date a single man, who's also dating a female friend of mine, and I went on a lovely date last week with her husband. LOL! Thank goodness we're all mature adults! My husband is also enjoying a sexual friendship with a married woman, whose husband fell in love with someone else. Single or married - you could go either way.
I choose not to date (or fuck) people who are cheating on their spouses. I'm a very public person, and I'm not willing to expend the energy to Hide anything. AND, some married people feel that cheating is the only way to meet their physical needs while maintaining a happy marriage with their spouses. That's their call, not mine.
The key here? Know your own limits, and honor them.
That said, sometimes people lie. I received a call once from the wife of a man I thought was single... and wasn't that awkward?! Just do your best!
"Are there limitations or restrictions?"
Of course - I am limited to and restricted by my agreements with my husband. EX: If we have an agreement that oral sex on the first date is okay but penetrative intercourse is not - that's a limitation. Having intercourse on the first date would thus be considered Cheating.
My partners are also limited by my agreements with my husband, as they also have to walk that same line. NOTE: If I don't tell the truth about my agreements, and say Stop or No when I've agreed to stop, that's on ME - not them. They are not at fault if I break an agreement, or if we cross a line that I didn't know was a trigger for my spouse.
That said, if she tells you she can not have sex with you tonight, and then, after making out and getting all hot and bothered, says that it'll really be okay, really... Tough as it may be, I'd suggest that you honor her original response and politely decline. Leave her wanting more rather than potentially stepping across that boundary. Do not give her, or her spouse, the opening to blame YOU for her unwillingness to honor her agreements.
Ya get me? It's not worth the potential mess. If she wants you that much, she'll come back.
"Are they friends of the marriage/relationship or is it best kept separate?"
Again, that entirely depends! I know people who prefer a very private kind of poly... "You know that I'm going out with someone else, and that's all you need to know." My husband and I both prefer a very community-style type of poly... his new fuck-buddy is a developing girlfriend of mine, and he has met (and approved) both of the men I've gone out with. I could totally see us going out on a double-date sometime and having a blast! But would our dates be comfortable with that? Their preferences also matter.
It's important that your style matches with your partners. I would feel very left out if my hubby refused to tell me about his dates, or refused to let me meet and enjoy his new partners. And someone who prefers privacy could feel very confronted by being forced to meet their loved one's other partners.
So talk about it! Ask questions. Pose some What If's, and How would you feel If's. Do your best to know yourself, accept yourself, and start opening yourself to others, and remember - life is an adventure, right? There's no one way to ride that bull, so get out there and have some fun!
M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com
Traditional dating tends to be a period of time during which people have fun together, get to know each other, and determine if there is enough interest, chemistry, and/or compatibility to pursue a monogamous future together. But what if monogamy is not your goal?
I recommend that you be clear about that within the first two or three dates, if not during the very first one. If you don't ever see yourself committing to one single partner, your date deserves to know that, bearing in mind that your opinion could change. It could, and she should know that it may not.
If you intend to "date" more than one person at a time, it's up to you whether or not you out that fact to your dates. Dating doesn't have to be exclusive. It's totally valid to spend time with and enjoy multiple partners without an "it's only you" commitment. This gets trickier once you involve sex in the mix, as many people falsely associate sexual intimacy with an increased level of commitment.
Thus, if you intend to be sexually intimate with more than one partner at a time, clue them in to this little factoid BEFORE you engage in any bodily-fluid-swapping contact. I also highly recommend that you get yourself tested for STIs, know your partners' health statuses, and use barriers, like condoms and/or dental dams. Your dates deserve the right to NOT share you with other partners, so give them the chance to say No. Only when they have the opportunity to give you a full-informed No can they also give you a fully-informed Yes.
"Is there a relationship of sorts or is it strictly sexual?" he asks.
That entirely depends on what you and your partners want! You may choose to date several people for the purpose of having fun and sharing companionship, and date several other for the purpose of fulfilling sexual needs and desires. Or there may be cross-over... some dates are sexual, others are not. There is no right answer, or one right way, and you get to create your dating life in the way that inspires you!
"What is the other person usually seeking?"
That depends on the person. There are a lot of polyamorous people on OKCupid, for example. Some of them (like my husband) are looking for additional sexual friendships, and others (like me) are interested in adding new significantly romantic, emotional, and sexual relationships. The key is to know what YOU want, and then look for people who also want that.
"Is the other party typically single or are they married? If married what if the partner is cheating on their spouse? (Personal note: I don't condone that.)"
It could be either! I'm about to date a single man, who's also dating a female friend of mine, and I went on a lovely date last week with her husband. LOL! Thank goodness we're all mature adults! My husband is also enjoying a sexual friendship with a married woman, whose husband fell in love with someone else. Single or married - you could go either way.
I choose not to date (or fuck) people who are cheating on their spouses. I'm a very public person, and I'm not willing to expend the energy to Hide anything. AND, some married people feel that cheating is the only way to meet their physical needs while maintaining a happy marriage with their spouses. That's their call, not mine.
The key here? Know your own limits, and honor them.
That said, sometimes people lie. I received a call once from the wife of a man I thought was single... and wasn't that awkward?! Just do your best!
"Are there limitations or restrictions?"
Of course - I am limited to and restricted by my agreements with my husband. EX: If we have an agreement that oral sex on the first date is okay but penetrative intercourse is not - that's a limitation. Having intercourse on the first date would thus be considered Cheating.
My partners are also limited by my agreements with my husband, as they also have to walk that same line. NOTE: If I don't tell the truth about my agreements, and say Stop or No when I've agreed to stop, that's on ME - not them. They are not at fault if I break an agreement, or if we cross a line that I didn't know was a trigger for my spouse.
That said, if she tells you she can not have sex with you tonight, and then, after making out and getting all hot and bothered, says that it'll really be okay, really... Tough as it may be, I'd suggest that you honor her original response and politely decline. Leave her wanting more rather than potentially stepping across that boundary. Do not give her, or her spouse, the opening to blame YOU for her unwillingness to honor her agreements.
Ya get me? It's not worth the potential mess. If she wants you that much, she'll come back.
"Are they friends of the marriage/relationship or is it best kept separate?"
Again, that entirely depends! I know people who prefer a very private kind of poly... "You know that I'm going out with someone else, and that's all you need to know." My husband and I both prefer a very community-style type of poly... his new fuck-buddy is a developing girlfriend of mine, and he has met (and approved) both of the men I've gone out with. I could totally see us going out on a double-date sometime and having a blast! But would our dates be comfortable with that? Their preferences also matter.
It's important that your style matches with your partners. I would feel very left out if my hubby refused to tell me about his dates, or refused to let me meet and enjoy his new partners. And someone who prefers privacy could feel very confronted by being forced to meet their loved one's other partners.
So talk about it! Ask questions. Pose some What If's, and How would you feel If's. Do your best to know yourself, accept yourself, and start opening yourself to others, and remember - life is an adventure, right? There's no one way to ride that bull, so get out there and have some fun!
M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com
Monday, March 28, 2011
Open Relationship... What's that? The hard stuff yet to come.
It occurred to me just after posting my last entry that it might be valuable to point out some challenges of open relationships. I didn't mention them at first due to the fact that hubby and I are new to this! Certain experiences have yet to cross our paths. Nonetheless, it's likely that at some point...
One of us will fall in love with someone else, and both of us will have to deal with that. Neither one of us has yet been through what I'm thinking of as 'third-wheel NRE (New Relationship Energy)' - where he's in love with someone else, and I'm the third wheel, for example. He's not yet come home talking non-stop about another women, but it's likely to happen sometime.
One of us will feel like we're not getting enough attention, affection or time from the other. Right now, I'm the one who gives approval for him to go on a date, and vice versa. It's predictable that that level of control will diminish as we get used to sharing each other, and as demands from other partners increase. At some point, one of us is likely to feel slighted and have to make some powerful requests accordingly.
One of us will not WANT to keep our agreements, or give the other what's been requested! 'But I'm having so much fun with him, and now you want me to spend the Whole Next Week only with you? Wanh!' Chances are that one of us will have to manage a frustration when what we've agreed to do or give no longer feels like a good idea.
One of our relationships will end, and both partners will have to deal with it. NRE happens when a relationship starts. What's the term when a poly relationship ends? I count my blessing that both he and I are so responsible with our emotions - chances are that we'll be able to maintain friendships with our future exes as we already do with past ones. But there's still an amount of grieving that occurs when a relationship ends - something that brought me joy, for example, is now gone, and that's a loss. I can pretty much guarantee that one of us will experience grief, and the other will have to navigate "my partner is grieving, but I'm still here, but he/she's still grieving," etc.
None of these situations are good, nor are they bad. They are simply some challenges that to me appear unique to open relationships. Are they insurmountable? No. Are they 'growth opportunities?' Yes! Are they the reason that some couples end their open relationships? Yes.
I like to think that we're ahead of the game just by knowing that this stuff is likely to occur. So, when it does, we can say, "Oh yep. Here's that frustration that I knew would show up! Now, how shall we deal with this...?"
M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com
One of us will fall in love with someone else, and both of us will have to deal with that. Neither one of us has yet been through what I'm thinking of as 'third-wheel NRE (New Relationship Energy)' - where he's in love with someone else, and I'm the third wheel, for example. He's not yet come home talking non-stop about another women, but it's likely to happen sometime.
One of us will feel like we're not getting enough attention, affection or time from the other. Right now, I'm the one who gives approval for him to go on a date, and vice versa. It's predictable that that level of control will diminish as we get used to sharing each other, and as demands from other partners increase. At some point, one of us is likely to feel slighted and have to make some powerful requests accordingly.
One of us will not WANT to keep our agreements, or give the other what's been requested! 'But I'm having so much fun with him, and now you want me to spend the Whole Next Week only with you? Wanh!' Chances are that one of us will have to manage a frustration when what we've agreed to do or give no longer feels like a good idea.
One of our relationships will end, and both partners will have to deal with it. NRE happens when a relationship starts. What's the term when a poly relationship ends? I count my blessing that both he and I are so responsible with our emotions - chances are that we'll be able to maintain friendships with our future exes as we already do with past ones. But there's still an amount of grieving that occurs when a relationship ends - something that brought me joy, for example, is now gone, and that's a loss. I can pretty much guarantee that one of us will experience grief, and the other will have to navigate "my partner is grieving, but I'm still here, but he/she's still grieving," etc.
None of these situations are good, nor are they bad. They are simply some challenges that to me appear unique to open relationships. Are they insurmountable? No. Are they 'growth opportunities?' Yes! Are they the reason that some couples end their open relationships? Yes.
I like to think that we're ahead of the game just by knowing that this stuff is likely to occur. So, when it does, we can say, "Oh yep. Here's that frustration that I knew would show up! Now, how shall we deal with this...?"
M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Open Relationship... What's that?
A friend from college noticed that I'd changed my Facebook status from "Married" to "In An Open Relationship."
"Does it ever get complicated?" he asked. "Like, for instance, if your husband's girlfriend decides she wants to be more than just a girlfriend. Do you ever worry that your husband might get sick of sharing you with someone else?"
Well, I have to admit that we're just starting this adventure together, so I can't yet declare that we've made it work for the long term. Nonetheless, neither of us believes that it's either realistic or fair to expect one person to meet ALL of one's intimate needs - be they emotional or physical. So, when he has another partner to meet the needs that I can't/won't meet, it actually takes the pressure off of me, and vice versa.
Am I worried that he'll ever get sick of sharing me? No, it's not something that he's doing as a favor, or a new toy that might wear out. He is committed to my well-being and satisfaction in our marriage, and I count on that as much as I share that commitment for him. A happy wife is a better wife, right? It's in his best interest that my needs get met! AND, if he asked me to be monogamous for a period of time while he/we processed something traumatic or deeply-impactful, I would accept and honor that request. We've agreed to put one another first.
So, given that I'm thrilled that I'm not his only sexual partner, what if she wanted to fill some of the emotional roles that are currently mine - like professional adviser and motivator, best friend, or meal-preparation expert? Honestly, I think I'd be happy to share some of the responsibility! I deeply want him to be happy and fulfilled, and I'm not attached to being the source of that.
At the same time, it's MY job to make sure that I still get MY emotional needs met, so there would be a period of navigation - testing things out, tripping over unrealized boundaries and then negotiating for/around them. In other words, getting upset, figuring out why, which includes totally owning my part in it, and then determining how to mitigate that. For example, is there a request I need to make for more time with him, or more contact of a particular kind, or a certain kind of communication, etc.? Sometimes it's easy, other times more complicated.
This kind of lifestyle requires HUGE personal responsibility for one's own emotions. As my friend Philip says, "The best thing about open relationships is that you get to really learn about yourself, and the worst thing about open relationships is that you get to really learn about yourself."
Anyway... in the end, neither of us believes (=fears) that we're replaceable. NOTE: it has taken a lot of inner work and communication to get there. So, our partner having another loved one/lover isn't a threat, it's a source of support. That's not how most people in our society are taught to think, and popular media does NOT support that, which is part of why I've chosen my professional path!
Crazy, huh? On the other hand, there's a LOT of freedom here, and I suspect that we'd be more likely to divorce if we didn't have an open relationship than because we Do. To each their own... :)
M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com
"Does it ever get complicated?" he asked. "Like, for instance, if your husband's girlfriend decides she wants to be more than just a girlfriend. Do you ever worry that your husband might get sick of sharing you with someone else?"
Well, I have to admit that we're just starting this adventure together, so I can't yet declare that we've made it work for the long term. Nonetheless, neither of us believes that it's either realistic or fair to expect one person to meet ALL of one's intimate needs - be they emotional or physical. So, when he has another partner to meet the needs that I can't/won't meet, it actually takes the pressure off of me, and vice versa.
Am I worried that he'll ever get sick of sharing me? No, it's not something that he's doing as a favor, or a new toy that might wear out. He is committed to my well-being and satisfaction in our marriage, and I count on that as much as I share that commitment for him. A happy wife is a better wife, right? It's in his best interest that my needs get met! AND, if he asked me to be monogamous for a period of time while he/we processed something traumatic or deeply-impactful, I would accept and honor that request. We've agreed to put one another first.
So, given that I'm thrilled that I'm not his only sexual partner, what if she wanted to fill some of the emotional roles that are currently mine - like professional adviser and motivator, best friend, or meal-preparation expert? Honestly, I think I'd be happy to share some of the responsibility! I deeply want him to be happy and fulfilled, and I'm not attached to being the source of that.
At the same time, it's MY job to make sure that I still get MY emotional needs met, so there would be a period of navigation - testing things out, tripping over unrealized boundaries and then negotiating for/around them. In other words, getting upset, figuring out why, which includes totally owning my part in it, and then determining how to mitigate that. For example, is there a request I need to make for more time with him, or more contact of a particular kind, or a certain kind of communication, etc.? Sometimes it's easy, other times more complicated.
This kind of lifestyle requires HUGE personal responsibility for one's own emotions. As my friend Philip says, "The best thing about open relationships is that you get to really learn about yourself, and the worst thing about open relationships is that you get to really learn about yourself."
Anyway... in the end, neither of us believes (=fears) that we're replaceable. NOTE: it has taken a lot of inner work and communication to get there. So, our partner having another loved one/lover isn't a threat, it's a source of support. That's not how most people in our society are taught to think, and popular media does NOT support that, which is part of why I've chosen my professional path!
Crazy, huh? On the other hand, there's a LOT of freedom here, and I suspect that we'd be more likely to divorce if we didn't have an open relationship than because we Do. To each their own... :)
M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Rant: Rihanna, you do us wrong.
Dance club diva she may be, but I've gotta admit that some of Rihanna's lyrics make me uncomfortable, and her latest hit has me downright disturbed and annoyed. Crimony, it makes me feel like an old lady railing against 'the music those kids listen to today', but when must an artist take responsibility for the cultural and social impact of their message? Allow me to explain...
Let's review some of the possible lessons of Rihanna's lyrics for "Only Girl".
(Refrain)
Want you to make me feel like I'm the only girl in the world
Like I'm the only one that you'll ever love
Like I'm the only one who knows your heart
Only girl in the world...
Like I'm the only one that's in command
Cuz I'm the only one who understands how to make you feel like a man, yeah
1) Co-dependence
The very concept that it's Your responsibility to make Me feel like a woman, or mine to make you feel like a man, is co-dependent. My emotions are mine, and it's MY job to manage them, not yours, and vice versa.
2) Selfishness
Why would I want to be the Only One that my partner will ever love? ('has loved' is implied, eh?) Or who will ever know his heart? How f@%&ing selfish is that?!
Loving people and being loved in return is a joyous and magical experience that I want my partner to have. I hope he's been loved by many people before me, and should we break up, that he'll find love with others in the future. Even if we agree to be monogamous, I still hope that he meets new people, comes to love them, and has lots of people in his life with whom he can share his heart.
Not only would I find it selfish to hoard his love for myself, but it's also selfish to deny him other resources for experiencing love. (Not to mention the pressure placed on me should I be made responsible for meeting all of his future needs in the realm of love. But that's a different issue altogether.) Why would I want to limit his life this way unless I'm threatened, which brings me to the next point...
3) Competitiveness
Perhaps it's just me, but isn't there a measure of competition once I demand to be the Only One? It's me OR anyone else. Now, before you get all uppity, I acknowledge the difference between wanting to BE the only one and wanting to FEEL LIKE the only one. Bear with me here...
If it's desirable to Feel like the only one, it must therefore be desirable to BE the only one, and for me to be the only one, I must be in competition with others. And this is the message that we soak up without question... It's Me vs. You ladies.
Now go watch the video. First, if she were the only girl in the world, I doubt she'd be wandering around the desert in her low-backed strapless bra!
The real issue is the message that she's selling... one of which is that men are submissive. How else do you explain her lyric about 'making him beg for it and then swallow his pride,' ergo - emasculating him, and that she's 'the only one who makes him feel like a man?' Okay, yes, some men are submissive by choice, but not all! Most men I've dated felt LESS like a "man" when emasculated, but perhaps that's just me.
And women... well, clearly, providing enthusiastic sex is what will make us feel valued and desired. We're sold the line that we'll win the competition for attention by being really giving in bed, putting his sexual needs first, and by being responsible for his feelings of masculinity. (Which we've already undermined...)
REALLY? For a one night stand, that's fine. But for any other substantial relationship, not so much. Albeit, it's not an uncommon message, and yet, it does not lead to a healthy and fulfilling partnership. And musical messages are so subliminal! They sneak right in and inform our view of ourselves, each other and the world without our even noticing. Is it any wonder that so many of us experience such mental and emotional, not to mention physical, trauma as we enter the realm of romantic and sexual relationship?
Rihanna, I implore you... if you actually care about the well-being of your fans, please take a tougher look at what you choose to promote with your beats and your voice. You can do so much better, and we deserve it.
M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com
Let's review some of the possible lessons of Rihanna's lyrics for "Only Girl".
(Refrain)
Want you to make me feel like I'm the only girl in the world
Like I'm the only one that you'll ever love
Like I'm the only one who knows your heart
Only girl in the world...
Like I'm the only one that's in command
Cuz I'm the only one who understands how to make you feel like a man, yeah
1) Co-dependence
The very concept that it's Your responsibility to make Me feel like a woman, or mine to make you feel like a man, is co-dependent. My emotions are mine, and it's MY job to manage them, not yours, and vice versa.
2) Selfishness
Why would I want to be the Only One that my partner will ever love? ('has loved' is implied, eh?) Or who will ever know his heart? How f@%&ing selfish is that?!
Loving people and being loved in return is a joyous and magical experience that I want my partner to have. I hope he's been loved by many people before me, and should we break up, that he'll find love with others in the future. Even if we agree to be monogamous, I still hope that he meets new people, comes to love them, and has lots of people in his life with whom he can share his heart.
Not only would I find it selfish to hoard his love for myself, but it's also selfish to deny him other resources for experiencing love. (Not to mention the pressure placed on me should I be made responsible for meeting all of his future needs in the realm of love. But that's a different issue altogether.) Why would I want to limit his life this way unless I'm threatened, which brings me to the next point...
3) Competitiveness
Perhaps it's just me, but isn't there a measure of competition once I demand to be the Only One? It's me OR anyone else. Now, before you get all uppity, I acknowledge the difference between wanting to BE the only one and wanting to FEEL LIKE the only one. Bear with me here...
If it's desirable to Feel like the only one, it must therefore be desirable to BE the only one, and for me to be the only one, I must be in competition with others. And this is the message that we soak up without question... It's Me vs. You ladies.
Now go watch the video. First, if she were the only girl in the world, I doubt she'd be wandering around the desert in her low-backed strapless bra!
The real issue is the message that she's selling... one of which is that men are submissive. How else do you explain her lyric about 'making him beg for it and then swallow his pride,' ergo - emasculating him, and that she's 'the only one who makes him feel like a man?' Okay, yes, some men are submissive by choice, but not all! Most men I've dated felt LESS like a "man" when emasculated, but perhaps that's just me.
And women... well, clearly, providing enthusiastic sex is what will make us feel valued and desired. We're sold the line that we'll win the competition for attention by being really giving in bed, putting his sexual needs first, and by being responsible for his feelings of masculinity. (Which we've already undermined...)
REALLY? For a one night stand, that's fine. But for any other substantial relationship, not so much. Albeit, it's not an uncommon message, and yet, it does not lead to a healthy and fulfilling partnership. And musical messages are so subliminal! They sneak right in and inform our view of ourselves, each other and the world without our even noticing. Is it any wonder that so many of us experience such mental and emotional, not to mention physical, trauma as we enter the realm of romantic and sexual relationship?
Rihanna, I implore you... if you actually care about the well-being of your fans, please take a tougher look at what you choose to promote with your beats and your voice. You can do so much better, and we deserve it.
M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com
Sunday, May 16, 2010
A Tale of Three Relationships
Another one bites the dust... a celebrity marriage, that is, or at least the public perception of perfection. On the not-too-distant heels of Tiger woods' cheating debacle comes the news of Sandra Bullock's hubby, Jesse James, and his multiple extra-marital affairs.
But all is not lost in the world of high-profile, role-model, celebrity marriages... here are three examples of functional, loving relationships, each with their own unique flavor.
1) The (Semi-)Traditional - Amy Grant & Vince Gill
Amy Grant and Vince Gill met in 1993 while taping an episode for Gill's Christmas show. Both were married at the time, and the Christmas show became a yearly collaboration as their friendship grew. Though they maintain that there was never any sexual impropriety during their marriages, their emotional connection was undeniable. Gill divorced in 1997, Grant in 1999 - and no, they were not in collusion at this point - and they married in March 2000 after a whirlwind courtship of less than a year.
Grant is one of the most influential Christian entertainers of her generation, and she took a lot of flak with the media for her divorce. Nonetheless, they seem to have created a successful family to include Gill's daughter from his first marriage, Grant's three children from her first marriage, and their own young daughter.
Some of what makes this monogamous marriage work is their willingness to learn from their previous marriages. Grant is quoted as saying, "You get into a second marriage and you go, Oh man, some of those weird dynamics, those were just me, and I've just dragged them off to the future! I shouldn't have been so hard on that first chapter!"
Knowing when not to talk, asking for support instead of resenting not receiving it, giving up being right for it's own sake, and getting clear on (and telling the truth about) your own motivations are some of the tips they use for creating a productive partnership. "A big reason why our relationship is so good," says Gill, "is that it begins with respect and kindness. If you have those two things on the front burner, then the rest is kinda easy." (Quotes from Good Housekeeping, Feb. 2010)
2) The Sexually Open Marriage - Mo'Nique & Sydney Hicks
Mo'Nique, shortly before winning a Best Supporting Actress Oscar for her performance in 2009's Precious, was profiled by Barbara Walters for her final Oscar preview show. Not only does she share her experience with child abuse at the hands of her elder brother, and why she doesn't shave her legs, she also discusses her third marriage to long-time friend Sydney Hicks - an open marriage.
Although she does not admit to having had sex outside of her marriage to Sydney, she strongly asserts that either of them could do so without ending the marriage. "That's not a deal-breaker," she says. "That's not something that we would say, 'Oh my God! Because you were attracted to another person, and because you happened to have sex, let's end the marriage.'"
By Mo'Nique's definition, an open marriage is one without secrets, in which you can tell each other your every thought and deepest fantasy, so that there are no surprises, and she credits this arrangement, her best-friendship to Sydney, and their deep knowledge of who they are for their ability to operate this way. "What if it's 20 times?" she asks, in response to Barbara's questioning of more than once. "So what?... I'm very comfortable and secure with my husband."
3) The Emotionally Open Partnership - John Byrne, Tilda Swinton & Sandro Kopp
Alright, technically this one isn't a marriage, as Tilda Swinton (Oscar-winning Best Actress for Michael Clayton) and her playwright partner John Byrne are not married, but given their twin 11-year old sons, and the fact that they've been together for 19 years, I'm inclined to include them. Here are some interesting facts about their partnership...
Byrne is 69, Swinton is 49, and Kopp, an artist, is 30. Byrne and Swinton, and sometimes Kopp as well, live in a large, rambling house in Scotland with Byrne and Swinton's twins. Although Swinton and Byrne ended their marriage over five years ago, shortly after which Kopp entered the picture, they chose to remain living together, and both men play a major role in the children's lives. "We are all a family," she has said. "What you must also know is that we are all very happy."
M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com
But all is not lost in the world of high-profile, role-model, celebrity marriages... here are three examples of functional, loving relationships, each with their own unique flavor.
1) The (Semi-)Traditional - Amy Grant & Vince Gill
Amy Grant and Vince Gill met in 1993 while taping an episode for Gill's Christmas show. Both were married at the time, and the Christmas show became a yearly collaboration as their friendship grew. Though they maintain that there was never any sexual impropriety during their marriages, their emotional connection was undeniable. Gill divorced in 1997, Grant in 1999 - and no, they were not in collusion at this point - and they married in March 2000 after a whirlwind courtship of less than a year.Grant is one of the most influential Christian entertainers of her generation, and she took a lot of flak with the media for her divorce. Nonetheless, they seem to have created a successful family to include Gill's daughter from his first marriage, Grant's three children from her first marriage, and their own young daughter.
Some of what makes this monogamous marriage work is their willingness to learn from their previous marriages. Grant is quoted as saying, "You get into a second marriage and you go, Oh man, some of those weird dynamics, those were just me, and I've just dragged them off to the future! I shouldn't have been so hard on that first chapter!"
Knowing when not to talk, asking for support instead of resenting not receiving it, giving up being right for it's own sake, and getting clear on (and telling the truth about) your own motivations are some of the tips they use for creating a productive partnership. "A big reason why our relationship is so good," says Gill, "is that it begins with respect and kindness. If you have those two things on the front burner, then the rest is kinda easy." (Quotes from Good Housekeeping, Feb. 2010)
2) The Sexually Open Marriage - Mo'Nique & Sydney Hicks
Mo'Nique, shortly before winning a Best Supporting Actress Oscar for her performance in 2009's Precious, was profiled by Barbara Walters for her final Oscar preview show. Not only does she share her experience with child abuse at the hands of her elder brother, and why she doesn't shave her legs, she also discusses her third marriage to long-time friend Sydney Hicks - an open marriage.Although she does not admit to having had sex outside of her marriage to Sydney, she strongly asserts that either of them could do so without ending the marriage. "That's not a deal-breaker," she says. "That's not something that we would say, 'Oh my God! Because you were attracted to another person, and because you happened to have sex, let's end the marriage.'"
By Mo'Nique's definition, an open marriage is one without secrets, in which you can tell each other your every thought and deepest fantasy, so that there are no surprises, and she credits this arrangement, her best-friendship to Sydney, and their deep knowledge of who they are for their ability to operate this way. "What if it's 20 times?" she asks, in response to Barbara's questioning of more than once. "So what?... I'm very comfortable and secure with my husband."
3) The Emotionally Open Partnership - John Byrne, Tilda Swinton & Sandro Kopp
Alright, technically this one isn't a marriage, as Tilda Swinton (Oscar-winning Best Actress for Michael Clayton) and her playwright partner John Byrne are not married, but given their twin 11-year old sons, and the fact that they've been together for 19 years, I'm inclined to include them. Here are some interesting facts about their partnership...Byrne is 69, Swinton is 49, and Kopp, an artist, is 30. Byrne and Swinton, and sometimes Kopp as well, live in a large, rambling house in Scotland with Byrne and Swinton's twins. Although Swinton and Byrne ended their marriage over five years ago, shortly after which Kopp entered the picture, they chose to remain living together, and both men play a major role in the children's lives. "We are all a family," she has said. "What you must also know is that we are all very happy."
This is not, however, an example of the stereotypical polyamorous relationship - one with multiple emotional and sexual partners. "When you say you love the father of your children and you also are in love with someone else, they immediately assume you're all in bed together," Swinton is quoted as saying. "Maybe the unorthodox thing, it's sad to say, is that we [are] all so happy, and this comes as a shock to people."
M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com
Monday, May 3, 2010
Relationship Tip - Purpose
Purpose
We hear the stories all the time... Couple gets married, has kids, raises kids. Kids leave home, couple gets divorced. At first we might think that they grew apart over time, or couldn't reconnect to what made them love each other in the first place.
Here's another view point to consider: Perhaps they fulfilled the purpose of their relationship.
People build relationships in their lives for all kinds of purposes. My relationship with my accountant is for the purpose of supporting me in my tax obligations... not just for handling them, but for supporting me too. My relationship with some of my distant friends is for the purpose of coaching each other when one gets into a funk, for sharing fond memories, and letting the other person know that they're loved. We might talk once every six months, and that's enough to fulfill our purpose.
Not all intimate relationships are life-long commitments, nor do they need to be. Some people are together to provide companionship during a challenging transition, some to educate each other on differing points of view, some to share new experiences, to create an experience of something that had been missing, or of what does not work.
Some purposes, like that last one, may only be visible in your rear view mirror, once they are behind you, but others can be declared up front. My relationship with my fiance is for the fulfillment of our personal missions (mine is all people free to live the intimate relationships that inspire, and his is a world of peace and prosperity for all), for our continued spiritual development, and for playing in the world together.
Now, I have had past relationships that were for incredible sex, and this is not one of those! We work through the challenges of a less-than fully compatible sexual nature without it breaking us up, because that is not what our relationship is for. As long as the purpose of our relationship is being fulfilled, nothing else poses a real threat. Our reason for staying together is clear and joyously binding.
The process of finding your purpose may not always be an easy one. We're taught that relationships should look, and feel, and behave a certain way. Setting that aside, however, and looking at what truly matters to you most, may point you toward a purpose that provides stability and clarity in a world of chaos and wondering, and so I ask you...
What is your relationship's purpose?
M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
BDSM: Why I Top & Submit
When considering roles within the BDSM scene, it is easy to explain what I enjoy in each one physically. I am a dancer and so there is a rhythmic action in flogging, particularly Florentine, that I truly enjoy. It is an artistic physical expression, and Topping is the only way I experience it.
Regarding my submission, it is simple enough to say that I love the feel of a hand knotted against my scalp, the force of a punch as it throws me forward, the way the impact resonates through my frame. But are those sensations enough to justify what it takes to live in this lifestyle? I am much more interested in the WHY of these roles. What do I get out of it? The physicality is a momentary experience... what do I experience that stays with me over time and makes me want more?
I Top for the contribution and for the head-space. When I Top, I lose connection with the outside world. My environment contracts to contain only the space between me and my bottom. I become so completely focused on his experience that I actually cease to be a concern. I disappear, and for one who spends too much time trapped in her own active mind and swirling thoughts, that is miraculous. I get to serve my subject's needs, be a contribution to his desires, and disappear my ego for an hour. And I look hot doing it. It's a win-win situation.
My submission shows up in radically different ways. It can be as simple as sitting at my fiance's feet with my face against his knee and his hand in my hair. I love being useful and appreciated, so bringing him a drink, bringing over people he wants to meet, and myriad other small services are enjoyable for me. I was actually surprised by how much I enjoyed making dinner for him, doing his laundry, etc. this summer! I don't know why - it makes complete sense when I stop to think about it.
I suspect that I would make a wonderfully devoted "pet" (we haven't yet taken it that far), and that part of my desire ties in easily with sexual urges to please and be of service. I like knowing that I provide something of value for him, that he enjoys having me his way, even if I don't always enjoy it. On the other hand, my expression of submission can be as intense as allowing myself to be restrained and "beaten" until I cry, and then some more. That goes to Why I submit. Certainly there is the service aspect of submitting to an intense physical scene, that my partner needs to express himself that way and I get to be the canvas. I provide an outlet, and that is service. A Dominant who will beat me solely for my desire is not enough, I want a partner who's needs correspond with my own... a partnership.
Additionally, I've discovered that I live in a paradigm which says that if I CAN be strong, in control, and powerful then I MUST be so. There is little room for failure in this paradigm. I'm not saying it's always in play, or that it works particularly well when it is, but this is an over-arching theme in my experience of my life.
When I am restrained and beaten there is no way out. I am no longer responsible in the moment for Getting Out, as that option has been removed, although it does take me a period of resistance to accept that finality. Being restrained and beaten, particularly by one for whom I care, gives me permission to be weak & powerless, to relinquish control and to surrender in ways that I am rarely, if ever, able to access in my daily life. It provides a HUGE emotional release that I crave, and which leaves me in a space of surrendered gratitude for days after and is remembered for years. That part of my life has nothing to do with sex (so far!), but it is something that balances me for a time, and something I qualify as a Need.
Would I like to find a way of achieving this release without the need for a partner in the process? Heck yes, but this way has not yet been revealed. Would I still choose to submit if I did not need it for this release? Yes, I believe that I will always wish to serve in some respect or another.
The challenge now resides in finding the ways in which his domination and my submission fit together, or don't fit, and creating a loving, satisfying, working relationship for us both! So far, so good.
M. Makael Newby, 2009 - All Rights Reserved
Regarding my submission, it is simple enough to say that I love the feel of a hand knotted against my scalp, the force of a punch as it throws me forward, the way the impact resonates through my frame. But are those sensations enough to justify what it takes to live in this lifestyle? I am much more interested in the WHY of these roles. What do I get out of it? The physicality is a momentary experience... what do I experience that stays with me over time and makes me want more?
I Top for the contribution and for the head-space. When I Top, I lose connection with the outside world. My environment contracts to contain only the space between me and my bottom. I become so completely focused on his experience that I actually cease to be a concern. I disappear, and for one who spends too much time trapped in her own active mind and swirling thoughts, that is miraculous. I get to serve my subject's needs, be a contribution to his desires, and disappear my ego for an hour. And I look hot doing it. It's a win-win situation.
My submission shows up in radically different ways. It can be as simple as sitting at my fiance's feet with my face against his knee and his hand in my hair. I love being useful and appreciated, so bringing him a drink, bringing over people he wants to meet, and myriad other small services are enjoyable for me. I was actually surprised by how much I enjoyed making dinner for him, doing his laundry, etc. this summer! I don't know why - it makes complete sense when I stop to think about it.
I suspect that I would make a wonderfully devoted "pet" (we haven't yet taken it that far), and that part of my desire ties in easily with sexual urges to please and be of service. I like knowing that I provide something of value for him, that he enjoys having me his way, even if I don't always enjoy it. On the other hand, my expression of submission can be as intense as allowing myself to be restrained and "beaten" until I cry, and then some more. That goes to Why I submit. Certainly there is the service aspect of submitting to an intense physical scene, that my partner needs to express himself that way and I get to be the canvas. I provide an outlet, and that is service. A Dominant who will beat me solely for my desire is not enough, I want a partner who's needs correspond with my own... a partnership.
Additionally, I've discovered that I live in a paradigm which says that if I CAN be strong, in control, and powerful then I MUST be so. There is little room for failure in this paradigm. I'm not saying it's always in play, or that it works particularly well when it is, but this is an over-arching theme in my experience of my life.
When I am restrained and beaten there is no way out. I am no longer responsible in the moment for Getting Out, as that option has been removed, although it does take me a period of resistance to accept that finality. Being restrained and beaten, particularly by one for whom I care, gives me permission to be weak & powerless, to relinquish control and to surrender in ways that I am rarely, if ever, able to access in my daily life. It provides a HUGE emotional release that I crave, and which leaves me in a space of surrendered gratitude for days after and is remembered for years. That part of my life has nothing to do with sex (so far!), but it is something that balances me for a time, and something I qualify as a Need.
Would I like to find a way of achieving this release without the need for a partner in the process? Heck yes, but this way has not yet been revealed. Would I still choose to submit if I did not need it for this release? Yes, I believe that I will always wish to serve in some respect or another.
The challenge now resides in finding the ways in which his domination and my submission fit together, or don't fit, and creating a loving, satisfying, working relationship for us both! So far, so good.
M. Makael Newby, 2009 - All Rights Reserved
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