Friday, April 9, 2010

Dishing the Dirt - Confessions of a Sell-Out

I sold out.

It's true. I didn't realize it until recently, but I had sold out on myself, and as a result, I had sold out on you.

I thought that I knew what great sex looked and felt like. I thought that I knew what it meant to experience intimacy, to be close to another person in a deeply moving and meaningful way. I thought that I knew - and thus, I stopped looking, and I stopped learning.

There was what I knew, and then there was that woo-woo Tantra stuff... and who can blame me, right? Some of the ways in which Tantra practitioners present their materials and concepts will push the believability boundaries of any logical, rational being with a healthy dose of cynicism. I just couldn't seem to bring myself to step into that realm, and I told myself that what I had was good enough, almost as good as it could get, and that I was working on it.

And then I attended a discussion with Baba Dez Nichols, co-author of Sacred Sexual Healing: The Shaman Method of Sex Magic. (I thought it was more of that woo-woo stuff, but Q wanted to go, and "Sex Magic" peaked my interest.) What I heard resonated with me in unexpected ways and opened my eyes to a glimmer of a possibility that there could be a whole world of sexuality in which I was VERY interested - a world where sexual energy could be used intentionally, not only for pleasure, and for connection with a partner, but for manifestation - for the intentional creation of the life I deeply desire.

You know which that life is, right? The one that seems just beyond what's realistic, the one that society says isn't really possible, the one that, when shared, gets me called a dreamer. THAT life, the one I sold out on.

To anyone else, it would appear coincidental that subsequent to my purchase of the book, Q and I experienced together the most intensely pleasurable sexual encounter I've ever known - one that blew the roof off what I thought my body could experience, what "orgasm" could mean, what was possible between loving partners. I hadn't even started reading it yet!

I know, however, that it was the result of an act taken in faith, the fruits of intended labor, the giving up of resignation and the willingness to explore and admit that perhaps there's something out there that I didn't know I didn't know.

It's a new world in which I live now, one full of adventure and possibility... and I promise to share it with you. I will not sell out on you again.

M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved -

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