Monday, April 5, 2010

Fear of Cheating in an LDR

Perhaps I'm in a mood today, but I'm sharing an email response to an on-line forum post regarding dealing with insecurity in a long distance relationship where both partners think/fear that the other is cheating on them.


"Okay, I apologize in advance for being very straight with you, and here goes:

"He told me about his past relationships, and basically there were no good relationships and a lot of drama."

And now you've got a lot of drama. Are you really surprised?

"Ever since we been together in this long-distance relationship (LDR) he has been thinking that I'm messing around and I think the same of him."

No, you don't just "think" the same of him, you FEAR the same. Both of you are dealing with an unjustifiable fear (it's a fear of loss, often fed by a personal insecurity) and an inability to trust, and until you address the source of those issues, they will keep showing up.

You think being together full-time will solve it? I doubt it - Many couples live together and still suspect each other of cheating. It has nothing to do with an LDR and everything to do with your inability to trust. Your concerns are Not about Him, and his are Not about You.

When in your past did someone break their word to you? Perhaps not a romantic partner, perhaps it was a parent, relative, teacher or friend. When did you decide that you couldn't trust, that people leave you, that that you don't deserve it, or whatever it was? Whether it shows up everywhere in your life, or only with this partner - something in the present is flashing you back to that moment that your trust was betrayed, and now you cannot BUT fear it happening again.

I'm theorizing here - I don't know you and we'll probably never meet. But I see this happening so often that I'm willing to throw it out there as a declaration. Until you EACH are willing to be entirely responsible for your OWN emotions and fears, and to dig into the underlying insecurities that take you over, this will likely not resolve.

So go ahead, dig in. Take the time you need to find the source of your insecurity and heal it, even if it means getting help from a professional. It's worth it.

Now, I have every bit of compassion for how much courage it takes to dig into oneself that way. Our own minds are scary places to hang out, and admitting to (and getting responsible for) our fears and insecurities feels like it'll kill us! And I'm telling you as someone who has done it, again and again, it is The Only Way to resolve this type of issue for the long-run, and the VERY BEST GIFT that you can give to yourself and the people in your life. Unless you believe in prayer and miracles, in which case, go on girl, get started.

Good luck, M"

M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved -

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