Saturday, June 5, 2010

Polyamory. It's Personal.

Well, I had an very interesting phone call tonight.

There's a man in New York who I met at a sexuality conference in 2009, when we were both single. We fooled around a little, consoled and comforted and cared for each other a bit (non-exclusively), and have remained friends in periodic contact.

I say that I love him - and I do. The world is a better place with him in it, and there is a soft place in my heart for him. He brings out my desire to "take care of" and to "be good to." He gives so much of himself so generously... my natural response is to nurture him in return. It doesn't matter that we've only spent six days in each other's sporadic presence in the last two years, or that we only talk every three months or so on average. An organic love arises in me for him, and to deny that would be a lie.

He's been going through a tough time recently... his fiancee decided that she wasn't ready to be in a relationship with anyone, and while I admire her for identifying that before they tied the knot, it has understandably been hard on him. He was feeling spurned tonight when we finally spoke, and I shared with him how much I wish we were nearer geographically, and how I'd snuggle and comfort him, were I there to do so. In response, he, being the gorgeously sexual being that he is, asked me what I fantasize about!

The truth is that I don't! I may think about certain types of interactions, and perhaps even certain people, but I have stopped actively fantasizing... an activity I may need to put back into practice! Nonetheless, I shared my desire for a "throw each other up against the wall, tear our clothes off" kind of passion... one that came naturally when we were together in 2009. Its something that my fiance (Q) and I do not share, and that he honestly doesn't want with me. Ours is a different kind of energy, and it works for us, but leaves certain things lacking... and we've discussed a mutual need to get those other aspects fulfilled with other partners. In theory.

And then my dear friend invited me to fly to New York for a weekend. And now I totally get it. Because now it's personal.

In all of my attempts and flirtations and philosophical musings around polyamory, I've never been able to truly understand how it would be to have multiple loving partnerships. What would that look like? Feel like? How would that happen? How does that really work? Certainly, I understand it from an intellectual perspective, and I can even coach effectively within that paradigm, but the emotional intelligence was missing.

I LOVE my friend, AND we are not right for being 100% of the time life-partners. He is sexy, and handsome, smart and charming, funny and passionate, and we have an undeniable physical chemistry that's very attractive. I'd truly enjoy spending a weekend dining and dancing and making out and exploring each other, simply allowing ourselves to experience and express our love for one another in every naturally occurring way.

AND I would be completely thrilled to hop back on a plane and fly back to Q, who is my home base, my pillar of support, father to our animals and my 100% playmate and life-partner.

My love for my friend does not threaten my love for Q. My love for Q does not diminish my love for my friend. And both of them are entirely authentic expressions that arise from a deeply grounded place, one that never understood why "love" should be limited.

Admittedly, it would be much more challenging were we to all live within the same city, faced with schedules and other details of modern life. And I wonder, would it impact the way that Q and I are with each other afterward? There's no way to know until it happens. But for the first time, I GET it... and that makes a whole new world available.

The lesson is this: Wonder away, but you'll never know what it's like until you're IN the experience itself. Trying to anticipate the way it would work, how you'd react, how it would feel, etc. is a waste of time. This is true not only about such crazy questions like, "If I had to lose and arm or a leg, which would I choose?" but also, most certainly, for all matters of the heart.

You disapprove? Fine. But someday, should you ever find yourself in such a situation, don't be surprised if the rules you thought you honored no longer make sense.

Until it's personal, you'll never know.

M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved -

1 comment:

  1. Found you through Twitter (you retweeted one of my posts), and I'm glad I did. This was a really lovely read, thankyou.