Monday, November 16, 2009

Sexual Guidance (Follow-up to U.F. Inquiry #1, Part 2)

Delivering sexual guidance - there's a pitfall of potential landmines. But in the truest sense of the cliche: nothing risked = nothing gained.

It takes extraordinary courage sometimes to say or ask the potentially hurtful thing out of a commitment to a healthy sexual relationship, but that is what's required of us. Here are four suggestions for delivering sexual guidance gently.

  • Wait until the deed is done. For major conversations, like "Could you kiss me this way instead?" bringing it up during a romantic session will kill the mood. Take it from one who made that mistake - requests made during the heat of passion can be heard as criticism, and ultimately as rejection. Raise your hand if you want your lover to feel that you've rejected them? I thought not. Make a note in your mind to bring it up at a later time, when passions have cooled and major requests will be more welcome, and when you can have a conversation about it instead of an emotional knee-jerk response.
  • The way you just... Communicate criticism of what you don't like through acknowledgment of what you do like. For example, you might try, "OMG that felt great, do that again the way you just..." and describe what you want, whether he/she did it exactly that way or not. Now - be reasonable - you can't use that to tell him how to pinch your nipples while he's fully engaged in eating you out! In general, however, preceding any sort of suggestion/request with a compliment is a good practice. "That feels so good baby, just a little bit lighter?"
  • Role play teacher and student - I'm a big fan of games. Making something into a game takes the seriousness and significance out of it, and when it comes to role-playing, it provides a layer of separation between You and Me and what our characters do and say and feel. Perhaps I have a lot of experience and feel that I should know how to please you, but if my character is a student, suddenly there's room to ask and make mistakes and take direction. I'm starting to believe that this is a game each new couple should play at least twice!
  • Play teen age virgins - A variation on Teacher/Student, playing virgins levels the field. Neither one of us knows anything about anything, and we can fumble, and grope, and learn from each other without any superiority/inferiority dynamic in the realm of sexual know-how. Hell, if you want to get authentic, do it in the back of your car!

M. Makael Newby, 2009 - All Rights Reserved -

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