Friday, March 19, 2010

I'm Right There With You

There she is. Professional, well-spoken, published, seemingly full of vigor and commitment. If only I had her bravery or courage...

Don't be so sure.

In this world of 'looking good' and 'having it all together,' how often do we see someone's external presentation and automatically conclude that it represents their actual life? The next time you envy another, think again. I'm here to tell you that we're all in it together.

I've been having a crisis of faith. The results I'm seeing in my life are not consistent with what I truly believed I was creating, and my nasty internal voice - the one for which I can never be enough - has been very loud and particularly undermining of late. I say faith - It says wishful thinking. I say actions consistent with my beliefs - It says foolishness and irresponsibility. It's my demon, it says too much, and I have been listening to it.

My fiancé wishes that I realized how awesome and amazing I am. Crystal agrees - she sings my praises in ways that make me blush. Niq assures me that I'm not alone in all of this. Betsy called me to get together, and I still haven't called her back. Numerous long-distance friends have told me how inspiring I am - but I just don't see it that way. It says 'if they only knew...' etc.

It's always more inspiring to see myself through other people's eyes, and what I'm starting to realize is that I can't trust a single thought that I have about myself. There's a saying, "Your opinion of me is none of my business," and in my case, it's MY opinion that needs tossing aside.

So what's to be done about this?! First and foremost - get out of my head and get into a conversation with other people.

The demon, of course, thinks that's a huge imposition and that I should keep my mess to myself - which means that I should KEEP it. The false belief is that it's catching - like a virus that my friends and confidantes will come down with if I share it with them... the I'm-not-enough Blues. The truth, as you know if you've ever been there for someone who couldn't see their own greatness, is that allowing another to lift you up also lifts them in the process. Asking for help can be a gift to those you ask.

Secondly, inquire into the activities that shut the demon up. In my case, it's when I'm designing a poster in Photoshop, a presentation in PowerPoint or Keynote, or writing the treatment for my new screenplay, even when playing with my dog. During these activities, the voice disappears! What's the common thread? Partnership and creating tangible products. How interesting...

Thirdly, develop the mental muscle to intervene when I notice the demon speaking. It lies to me anyway, right? It's time to start noticing the blather, and replacing it with something else - perhaps thoughts of what's beautiful in my world (like my dog). No disempowering yack yack shall be tolerated!

You have compassion for me? That's great. Now have compassion for yourself. That is often the harder part. And remember - no matter the externals, we're all in this together.

M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved -

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