Wednesday, May 16, 2012

The Appeal of (Self-)Control

Yes, yes, it's well known that I'm a service submissive. I hate to say no, I love to please, and I enjoy giving the control to my partner both in bed and out of it. However, that doesn't mean that you can simply walk up, say hello, and pin my hands behind my back! I don't know you – we just met! Before I'm a sub, I'm a grown woman, and I need to be Wooed before I can be Taken.

You couldn't help yourself, you say? Well, that's about the perfect approach to make me end this quickly, and here's why... What happened to your Self-Control?

Stealing a kiss may seem a little thing, but stealing three, or five, particularly in the face of my resistance and discomfort, sets a precedent and a pattern. Similarly, your lack of self-control raises the following questions:

How can you control me if you can't control yourself?
Power exchange is a complex undertaking. True, first and foremost, as a sub it's my responsibility to control myself in your service. That said, you still need to be the one running the show, plotting the course, and guiding the action. If you can't control your own impulses in the most basic of circumstances, how can I expect you to succeed with the added responsibility implicit in a scene?

How can I trust you to honor my boundaries in the future if you can't honor them now?
You kiss me, I lean back slightly. You lean in further, grab me and pull me closer. I squeal and lean away again, and say, "I need more time. I need you to go more slowly." If, soon thereafter, you grab me and forcefully pull me close again and plant another passionate kiss on me, we've got a problem! 

I do not want to say no to you, but my boundaries are my responsibility. If I speak them and you roll over them, you have just become UNSAFE. What happens when a boundary shows up while I'm tied to the bed... will you roll over that one as well? 

Not speaking my boundaries is on me. Once I speak them, it's on you. If you then do not give me the space I've requested, I WILL start pushing back, and pushing you away. If you don't want that, get a grip on the larger picture and back the fuck off.

How can I trust you to be the one in charge, if all it takes is a blink of my eyelashes or a flash of skin for you to give in?
If you are so enraptured by my beauty that you simply can't resist me, you have just given ME the power, and I don't want it! 

Be the man in this relationship - be stronger and more clever than me. Don't let yourself be manipulated by my beauty and charm. There is something extremely sexy in a man who can resist me, who can say, "Yes, I see that you are lovely, and I desire you, and I'd love to touch you right now. And, I am willing to sit right here until you come to ME to be touched." Now THAT's control.

So when I tell you that I need more space, step back and give it to me. Want what you want, but do not think that you can simply step in and take it. It MUST be freely given. Taking what you want right now is the booby prize, and will ultimately cost you the game. Show me that you are strong enough to resist me, that you are in control of your desires instead of the other way around, that you have enough insight and vision to see beyond an urge to what's possible, and the wisdom to allow it to mature. 

The vine of a fledgling relationship will not grow faster because you yank at it... tugging only disturbs and weakens the roots. Nurturing the foundation, with safety, honor, respect and integrity, will allow for succulent fruit and the delicious taste of success and fulfillment. 

Believe me, I'm worth your patience.

Copyright, 2012 - M. Makael Newby - All Rights Reserved

1 comment:

  1. I really appreciate this perspective, as a switch I see it from both sides and you are spot on!!