And so finally we arrive at the final part of my DO:WF review series, the personal part. The part where I share my freak-out of Sunday afternoon and the unanticipated and surprising solution. It had been building for a while, and Sunday morning kicked it into high gear.
I have thought to write a workbook to help people inquire into, and navigate entry into, the styles of intimate relationship that truly resonate with them. When I learned of the workbook that Barbara Carrellas is writing, my inner demon, the nasty little voice, said, "See, she's already doing it, and she's doing it better than you could. Nobody needs you. You're don't have anything to offer that can't be found through someone else who's doing it better..." and yack, yack, yack. I sold some more books, but not nearly as many as I'd hoped, and it said, "What did you think you were doing? You're never going to sell enough copies to recoup the costs of making it. It's just one more example of one of your big ideas that fail..." and blah, blah, blah.
Intellectually, I know that all of this is not true. I do have a particular style that speaks to a group of people, I do have something unique to offer, and I have faith that people who read my book will start talking about my book, which will encourage others to buy it, and so on, and so on exponentially. But when standing at the base of a very big hill, it's hard to imagine the view from the top, and by the late afternoon, I was starting to feel the impact of listening to that snarky little voice. I threw myself onto the bed, sharing my concerns with Q, and the more I spoke them, the more they grew, and the more scared I got, culminating in a hysterical fit of sobbing. To make it even worse, I'll add one more concern to the pile: Money. Okay, now do you get the state I was in?
I understand the new-thought belief that our words create our experience of the world, our reality if you will, and that we should therefore only speak our best hopes and desires. At the same time, what we resist persists, eh? I have found that I often resist what I don't share - I need to acknowledge my fear and concerns to get them out of my head, if only to hear that they are usually based in the past or the future, or both, and create something that inspires me to keep going in the present.
But this time was different. I'd been spending the weekend looking for what I need, and networking, selling books, sharing my vision, videotaping, and Being someone who intends to be a world leader. I was EXHAUSTED! And out of that exhaustion I saw what I needed - Zero Responsibility. I put a lot of pressure on myself every day, and knowing this makes no difference. I needed a chance to stop being responsible, and, in fact, to have no responsibilities whatsoever for a period of time. I longed for the days before "work," before homework even, when everything was play, and everyone was new, and the world was mostly fun and expression.
And so, as Q suggested, I'd be seven. Seven years old doesn't care about work, or being perfect, or whether she's making the difference she feels called to make in the world. Seven doesn't care about her libido, how to navigate polyamory, or how she's going to pay for her wedding. Seven doesn't care about innaccurate property tax assessments, destructive tenants, or book sales. Seven just wants to have fun and be loved.
So I donned a black skirt, a cap-sleeved, Asian floral print blouse that has black straps clipped to any number of small D-rings (so you could yank me back if I started running away), threw my hair into pig-tails, and added my tennies with my favorite "Life is Good" socks. It was a look, to be sure. And then I took on the character - high-energy, a bit clumsy, physically loose (in the way that young children throw their bodies around), enthusiastic and demonstrative - et voila... Missy.
We headed off to the restaurant, encountering my friend Paul at the bank of elevators, so I raced up to him, stuck my leg into the air awkwardly, pointed at my ankle and said, "My socks have dogs catching frisbees! See?" It was a hit, and became my introductory line through most of the evening.
It was a challenge at the restaurant, balancing being seven with respecting the other diners and the wait staff. I couldn't let myself be fully seven or I might have made a scene, and I am big about consent. The other patrons had not agreed to be a part of our little scene, so I kept Missy under control, content to slouch and sigh and glance around distractedly, to hum while I chewed and smacked my food a little, and to make faces at the mushrooms on my plate - yuck! I think our server had caught on by the end of the meal, as her approach to me altered from Adult:Adult to Adult:Child. It was very cool to experience. (Note: this was in the hotel restaurant, so they'd been serving a whole crew of leather-clad, cross-dressing, corset-wearing perverts all weekend.)
Then we went on to the Dungeon, where "Daddy" had a play date with a masochist. It took a while to find a space and get ready, and I got to be bored (which I NEVER am in real life), and play with a piece of rabbit fur, that I'd tucked in a small handbag I could swing around, and a stuffed alligator codpiece. They chased each other, the rabbit got eaten, then scolded the alligator... it was awesome. Eventually, I tired of playing and ran over to greet the people I knew who entered the room. Stormy finally took me under her wing, thank goodness, as "Missy" really had no interest in watching "Daddy" spank the other lady, and we watched some really pretty suspension rope bondage take place.
When "Daddy" was finally done, we snuggled on one of the sofas for several minutes, punctuated by visits with Ryan and Sean, who yanked me around by my straps while I giggled madly, and Paul, who gave me a piggyback ride up and down the corridor, again to a chorus of giggles. I climbed back into Daddy's lap, and soon after declared myself done. I'd had enough, and I was done! There was a pole to dance on! And the Sex-O-Rama to go play in! And then Ryan agreed to teach Q about using pressure points for sadistic control, using me as the demo-bottom, of course. (A double dose of Ouch!)
Reflecting on the experience, it was exactly what I needed, and something I may need monthly if I keep pushing myself at this pace. I could notice what Makael was thinking/feeling about being in public, or about Q playing with someone else, without allowing myself to engage in further examination of it. I didn't have to look good, or be strong, or capable, or a good listener, or sexy or graceful, or to figure it all out, I could just be Missy. I could be silly, sloppy, floppy, snuggly, awkward, carefree and needy with no explanation or justification. For Q it was a particular challenge, because he had no previous experience with being The Adult who's responsible for a young child, and he too wants to do it again. It gave him control, which is something he definitely wants, in a way that I could give it without my Strong and Capable being threatened.
I am totally certain and clear that my new opening from the weekend was a direct result of 1) approaching the entire event from a space of curiosity, and intentionally seeking my needs, 2) Julian Wolf's Role Playing class, 3) Barbara Carrellas' class on identifying our values & needs. The conversations we had, things we heard and saw, and other classes we took also played their role in creating a safe space for exploration, for which I again thank Karrie and Greg, Tristan & Colten, the organizers, for bringing this into being and continuing to provide such opportunities for our communities.
Until next year!
M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com
Showing posts with label review. Show all posts
Showing posts with label review. Show all posts
Friday, March 12, 2010
Monday, March 8, 2010
Dark Odyssey: Winter Fire'10 Personal Review Part 2
One of the biggest challenges in attending Dark Odyssey: Winter Fire is deciding which workshops to attend! Each time slot includes roughly six choices that may encompass BDSM philosophy, dynamic or technique, sexuality and identification, tantra and energy play, relationship style/choice, sexual or physical skill, and much more. Choosing between two workshops that both seem important to you is a common experience. Our very thinky Saturday began with Sarah Sloane's Polyamory Boot Camp.
Q and I have come to realize that we've got to open our relationship to poly on at least one level. He is a sadist, I am NOT a masochist, and there are needs of his that I am neither able nor willing to fulfill. I tried, it had a detrimental impact on our sex life, and we've both come to the decision that it's best to find other partners with whom he meets those needs. So we've been thinking a lot - how do we do that? Enter our choice of Sarah's class.
While we were pleased that nothing in Sarah's class took us entirely by surprise, she made some very good points about flexibility, negotiation, and self-care. Her comments about communication and responsibility reinforced the way in which we've been handling this time of occasional upset and inquiry. She also raised the issue of needing to treat each partner as an individual, in that what works for one emotionally may not work for the other, and that one must remember to Be with each partner as individual relationships instead of one part of an ego-centric whole. I'd never considered that - thank you, Sarah.
As Q proceeded to The Fine Art of Dirty Talk with Amy Jo Goddard (a mind-opening and language-expanding class that I'd taken last year with this fabulous presenter), I succumbed to the late Friday night and forewent the Fine Art of Prostate Massage and Locks of Lust (a class on hair-bondage) to take a much-needed nap, after which I felt MUCH better. (I couldn't decide between them anyway!) Lunch became a social networking opportunity with Anita Wagner, a well-known polyamory educator, which was followed by Plays Well with Others, a workshop by Lqqkout for those new to the scene and/or partnerless on how to approach and meet others, and negotiate for the scenes you'd like to experience.
We then attended Julian Wolf's Role Playing workshop, which opened my mind in entirely unanticipated ways. Beside the fact that role playing is an excellent way to increase the level of experimentation and excitement in a relationship without necessarily adding additional implements, toys, pain, or partners, and is thus a fabulous gateway into the realm of the alternative from the mundane, it's something in which I have little experience. Little being next to No, as in I've done it just once. Julian's class broadened my perspective on the world that is role play, and the ways in which it can be of value. I've already spoken with her about incorporating her "mundane" version of the class in future ventures. My mental gears were turning...
Saturday evening, after my hotel-room book signing for My Erotic Adventure, we ended up dining at the hotel with a number of local and traveled peeps including Michael Rios of the Network for a New Culture. While he and I talked activism and the current state of public opinion on alternative forms of relationship and sexuality, Q chatted up a local masochist and scheduled a tentative play date for the following evening. (Hooray and whew!) Eventually we dressed in our kinky slinky finest and again toured the dungeon and surrounding play spaces to see what and who there was to see.
Q is relatively new to the scene, and thus for him it was a near overwhelming visual and aural feast of sights and sounds, the smacking, thumping, cries and moans, laughter and music reverberating through the main dungeon. On the other hand, I've been around for seven years, and for me it has become a largely social opportunity to visit with friends and share affection. As mentioned, I'm not a masochist, nor am I a bottom... I've finally identified that, unlike many players in the BDSM scene, I do not get the endorphin-release that results from intense pain and may create an altered state-of-consciousness referred to as dropping, flying, or sub-space. I just get pain, so I walked the dungeon looking newly for non-pain-based experiences that I might enjoy experiencing.
The first I found was fire play - the practice of using cotton swabbed wands, alcohol, and yes - Fire - to apply levels of heat to one's skin. It sounds scary, but the alcohol burns off rather quickly when used appropriately, and it looks sexy as hell. Do NOT try this at home without proper education from an expert! I am not responsible for any damage you might cause.
The second was suspension bondage. Now, I've been bound before - wrists tied together, ankles and knees, forearms laced together behind my back - and the rope itself doesn't necessarily move me. It's the suspension that I want to try. I'm curious about the feeling of being fully supported and held in mid-air. I know the ropes will bite into my flesh with the weight of my body, but what else? I love to spin, I like swings and hammocks, and suspension can be a work of art, believe me. Dammit, I'm curious! I'll be working on setting that up now that I'm back in Portland. And Q likes working with rope, so if I enjoy suspension, that's something we can do together in time.
Saturday was another late night, and Q decided to sleep in for the morning class while I hustled off to Barbara Carrellas' Tell Me What You Want. I'd attended Barbara's Erotic Breathwork class before, so I knew that she was a quality presenter, and I was particularly interested in what she had to share about identifying and sharing one's needs. I'd been feeling that I wasn't getting something I needed, and remained unable to identify what that was, so this was a very personal investment of time.
God bless her, she's working on a workbook to help people through this process, and we were one of her "lab groups." Hooray! What I discovered through her process of drilling down from important life elements to core values is that Peace is one of my values. Not one, but several of the important elements in my life reduce down to Peace. What a valuable place to look in the midst of an upset... are my core values being denied? I have not yet finished the process she outlined, but it's on my to-do list.
Q joined me for lunch with married friends that I'd met at DO five years before, after which he hit the dungeon to observe a medical stapling scene that put my wussy nerves on edge while I attended the Cock Sucking and Deep Throating workshop by Danielle dv8. The most important thing I learned is that the DO crowd are not the people for whom I need to present my workshops. These people already know that they're interested in advanced and alternative activities. I need to work with the new, curious and inquiring.
Secondly, I learned about the differences between giving head to a bio-penis vs. a silicone one. In truth, this is the only workshop I attended in which I was disappointed. Although Danielle has a very rowdy and engaging style, it was not well laid out for the main crowd to effectively see the techniques demonstrated, and there was no sense of flow. Although I learned some valuable facts, I felt that there was much more that could have been covered. Of the 90 minutes allowed, this workshop took between 45-60 while all other lasted the full time limit. Oh well.
Our final class of the day was Whittney Matlock's Male Member, a review of techniques from the Body Electric school in bio-male genital massage. I dare say that Q enjoyed this workshop. :)
This completes my review of the DO:WF workshops, as they ended on Sunday afternoon. My next and final DO:WF blog will share my personal breakdown and breakthrough of that Sunday evening and the way in which the WF workshops made it possible.
M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com
Q and I have come to realize that we've got to open our relationship to poly on at least one level. He is a sadist, I am NOT a masochist, and there are needs of his that I am neither able nor willing to fulfill. I tried, it had a detrimental impact on our sex life, and we've both come to the decision that it's best to find other partners with whom he meets those needs. So we've been thinking a lot - how do we do that? Enter our choice of Sarah's class.
While we were pleased that nothing in Sarah's class took us entirely by surprise, she made some very good points about flexibility, negotiation, and self-care. Her comments about communication and responsibility reinforced the way in which we've been handling this time of occasional upset and inquiry. She also raised the issue of needing to treat each partner as an individual, in that what works for one emotionally may not work for the other, and that one must remember to Be with each partner as individual relationships instead of one part of an ego-centric whole. I'd never considered that - thank you, Sarah.
As Q proceeded to The Fine Art of Dirty Talk with Amy Jo Goddard (a mind-opening and language-expanding class that I'd taken last year with this fabulous presenter), I succumbed to the late Friday night and forewent the Fine Art of Prostate Massage and Locks of Lust (a class on hair-bondage) to take a much-needed nap, after which I felt MUCH better. (I couldn't decide between them anyway!) Lunch became a social networking opportunity with Anita Wagner, a well-known polyamory educator, which was followed by Plays Well with Others, a workshop by Lqqkout for those new to the scene and/or partnerless on how to approach and meet others, and negotiate for the scenes you'd like to experience.
We then attended Julian Wolf's Role Playing workshop, which opened my mind in entirely unanticipated ways. Beside the fact that role playing is an excellent way to increase the level of experimentation and excitement in a relationship without necessarily adding additional implements, toys, pain, or partners, and is thus a fabulous gateway into the realm of the alternative from the mundane, it's something in which I have little experience. Little being next to No, as in I've done it just once. Julian's class broadened my perspective on the world that is role play, and the ways in which it can be of value. I've already spoken with her about incorporating her "mundane" version of the class in future ventures. My mental gears were turning...
Saturday evening, after my hotel-room book signing for My Erotic Adventure, we ended up dining at the hotel with a number of local and traveled peeps including Michael Rios of the Network for a New Culture. While he and I talked activism and the current state of public opinion on alternative forms of relationship and sexuality, Q chatted up a local masochist and scheduled a tentative play date for the following evening. (Hooray and whew!) Eventually we dressed in our kinky slinky finest and again toured the dungeon and surrounding play spaces to see what and who there was to see.
Q is relatively new to the scene, and thus for him it was a near overwhelming visual and aural feast of sights and sounds, the smacking, thumping, cries and moans, laughter and music reverberating through the main dungeon. On the other hand, I've been around for seven years, and for me it has become a largely social opportunity to visit with friends and share affection. As mentioned, I'm not a masochist, nor am I a bottom... I've finally identified that, unlike many players in the BDSM scene, I do not get the endorphin-release that results from intense pain and may create an altered state-of-consciousness referred to as dropping, flying, or sub-space. I just get pain, so I walked the dungeon looking newly for non-pain-based experiences that I might enjoy experiencing.
The first I found was fire play - the practice of using cotton swabbed wands, alcohol, and yes - Fire - to apply levels of heat to one's skin. It sounds scary, but the alcohol burns off rather quickly when used appropriately, and it looks sexy as hell. Do NOT try this at home without proper education from an expert! I am not responsible for any damage you might cause.
The second was suspension bondage. Now, I've been bound before - wrists tied together, ankles and knees, forearms laced together behind my back - and the rope itself doesn't necessarily move me. It's the suspension that I want to try. I'm curious about the feeling of being fully supported and held in mid-air. I know the ropes will bite into my flesh with the weight of my body, but what else? I love to spin, I like swings and hammocks, and suspension can be a work of art, believe me. Dammit, I'm curious! I'll be working on setting that up now that I'm back in Portland. And Q likes working with rope, so if I enjoy suspension, that's something we can do together in time.
Saturday was another late night, and Q decided to sleep in for the morning class while I hustled off to Barbara Carrellas' Tell Me What You Want. I'd attended Barbara's Erotic Breathwork class before, so I knew that she was a quality presenter, and I was particularly interested in what she had to share about identifying and sharing one's needs. I'd been feeling that I wasn't getting something I needed, and remained unable to identify what that was, so this was a very personal investment of time.
God bless her, she's working on a workbook to help people through this process, and we were one of her "lab groups." Hooray! What I discovered through her process of drilling down from important life elements to core values is that Peace is one of my values. Not one, but several of the important elements in my life reduce down to Peace. What a valuable place to look in the midst of an upset... are my core values being denied? I have not yet finished the process she outlined, but it's on my to-do list.
Q joined me for lunch with married friends that I'd met at DO five years before, after which he hit the dungeon to observe a medical stapling scene that put my wussy nerves on edge while I attended the Cock Sucking and Deep Throating workshop by Danielle dv8. The most important thing I learned is that the DO crowd are not the people for whom I need to present my workshops. These people already know that they're interested in advanced and alternative activities. I need to work with the new, curious and inquiring.
Secondly, I learned about the differences between giving head to a bio-penis vs. a silicone one. In truth, this is the only workshop I attended in which I was disappointed. Although Danielle has a very rowdy and engaging style, it was not well laid out for the main crowd to effectively see the techniques demonstrated, and there was no sense of flow. Although I learned some valuable facts, I felt that there was much more that could have been covered. Of the 90 minutes allowed, this workshop took between 45-60 while all other lasted the full time limit. Oh well.
Our final class of the day was Whittney Matlock's Male Member, a review of techniques from the Body Electric school in bio-male genital massage. I dare say that Q enjoyed this workshop. :)
This completes my review of the DO:WF workshops, as they ended on Sunday afternoon. My next and final DO:WF blog will share my personal breakdown and breakthrough of that Sunday evening and the way in which the WF workshops made it possible.
M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com
Sunday, January 3, 2010
The Top 10 Sexual Stories of 2009
Please click here: Contexts to read an interesting article profiling the top 10 sexual stories of 2009.
Given my own personal rant about the Tiger/Elin debacle, I felt it worth sharing with y'all. To quote Shari Dworkin, Associate Professor of Social & Behavioral Sciences at University of California, San Francisco, from an article she wrote about TW's indiscretions, "But very little media coverage attempts to press beyond an individual level and not many articles offered a much needed broader analysis of masculinity, race, sport, sexuality, and media."
Here here! Enjoy the perspective, and Happy 2010!
M. Makael Newby, 2010 - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com
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