How not to end up in court.

I find myself compelled to discuss the following article about a trial in progress against a BDSM Master, accused by a slave who has - since her accusation - moved back in with him. Oy Vey!

Let's look at what it means to be a slave. To quote from the 5-page negotiation contract that she signed, "By signing this slavery contract, it is agreed that slave gives up all rights to her own person in every manner, and that Master takes entire possession of slave as property.” This is one of the primary distinctions between being a submissive and being a slave.

Submissives can request renegotiation, or even say no, though there will likely be consequences to such a strong action. A slave, by most definitions, has willingly given up the right to negotiate and to refuse, and has expressly turned over his or her well-being to the Master/Mistress in whatever way is negotiated in the terms of the contract. Thus, when "Prosecutors allege he acted illegally because she did not consent that time to being handcuffed and beaten," it is clear that the prosecutors do not understand the Master/slave (M/s) dynamic. As a slave, her permission is not given on a "this time" vs. "that time" basis. She has agreed to become his property, and he can do with his property what he wishes.

That said, this is why it is SO important not to rush into an M/s contract. Giving up one's rights is no small matter - the only way for a slave to get free used to be to Run Away! Today, in the modern free world, it may be that a consensual slave can change his/her mind and break the contract, but this is emotionally a BIG deal for all involved, and nothing to bandy about as a regular back-up plan. It is imperative that one takes the time to get to know the Master/Mistress fully, and to be explicitly clear in the negotiation what is and is not to be agreed to in the contract.

For example, "Prosecutors say he was angry because she wanted to end their relationship after catching him having sex with another woman in a nightclub's parking lot." Did their contract state that "Master may engage in sexual activity with whomever he chooses with or without slave's knowledge?" It may have been implied, but if clearly stated, she had given up her right to get upset, or to use that as an excuse to void the contract.

Additionally, beating one's partner out of anger is always a challenging situation, even when she/he has relinquished the right of refusal. There's no more I can say about that.

So in February she "told friends, an emergency room nurse and doctor, a police sergeant and a police detective that Wise attacked her." Also, she "neither told police nor the doctor about her lifestyle because she was embarrassed." Now she say that it was consensual, and she denies the attack.

Now he's on trial. Excuse me, but WHAT DID SHE THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!

We have GOT to come out of the closet, people! We like what we like. Society will only get re-educated one person at a time, and it starts with each one of us opening up to someone.

It is VERY important when you're involved in any kind of consensual play dynamic that could leave bruising or marks to out yourself to your doctors! They are required, by law, to notify 'the authorities' when they see signs of possible physical abuse. Said conversation might go like this:

"Hi Doc. I want to make you aware that I engage in consensual BDSM, which means that I may occasionally show up with bruises, scrapes, or burns (or whatever result given the manner of kink you enjoy). Again, this is consensual, and I do not want you to worry or notify the authorities without asking me about it first. I promise that I will tell you if it was against my wishes. Do we have a deal?"

Furthermore, you now have an opening to educate your doctor if he/she has questions, and that is a service for the whole community! My doctor said, "I only care that you're healthy and happy. If you say you are, we're good." AWEsome.

Now, RE: her choice to go to the cops... Perhaps it WAS abuse. M/s relationships are complex emotional constructs. Perhaps she was emotionally triggered at the thought that he might be "cheating on her," and perhaps he lost his control and beat her out of anger. If that was outside the negotiated realm of their contract, it may have constituted non-consensual abuse. If that is so, I'm glad she took the step to get support. (In which case, one must wonder about her mental state since she's chosen to return to her "abuser.")

There are too many unknown details to say much more, only that:
1) it's unfortunate that people may draw false assumptions about the BDSM lifestyle & it's participants from this case,
2) yes - it's a very complex system of relationship, and
3) it is dangerous, given our current legal system, when either party brings in outside influences without fully considering the consequences.

I wish both parties a successful outcome.



M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

The Kinky Toybag Tour - Floggers

Let's discuss floggers!

Flogging, or flagellating, the act of using a flogger on another person, began as a punishment in the way-back centuries. For a full history, use something like Wikipedia. This post is not for that purpose.

These days, flogging is used within the BDSM community for any number of reasons, one of which is to being about an altered state of consciousness, sometimes known as sub-space. Wikipedia has this to say, which which I agree:

"In the sexual sub-culture of BDSM, "flagellation" involves beating the submissive partner and is a form of impact play. Such a flogging begins with soft blows, desensitizing the skin somewhat and triggering the body's endorphin response to pain, similar to "runner's high". The gradual increase in force heightens this response, often to a near-catatonic state in the bottom.

The flogger used in this context consists of a handle with an number of attached thongs known as "falls". Falls are typically made of materials such as suede, leather, rubber, rope, or other or flexible materials. The length, number, and composition of the falls determines the sensation caused by the flogger. Floggers are usually characterized by the sensation they cause. "Thuddy" floggers typically impart a broadly felt deep muscle impact, while "stingy" floggers are felt as a sharp stinging sensation over the skin. The sensation of floggers can also vary with the techniques used by the dominant (or top).

Floggers are typically applied to areas of the body which are well muscled, or protected by body fat, such as the upper back or buttocks. Vulnerable areas such as the abdomen, kidneys, and face are to be avoided. Some areas, such as female breasts, can be lightly flogged safely if appropriate care and skill is used. Intense flogging can leave bruising but typically does not cut or permanently mark the skin."

This is actually well said! Thus my liberal quoting. Here are some additions...

Wider, thicker falls of heavier grades of leather lend themselves to a thuddy feeling, like being punched. The heaviest floggers are known as mops or bashers, and not only use heavier leathers, but also dramatically increase the number of falls.

Thinner falls of a lighter material lend themselves to sting, like being slapped. Cat-o-nine tails seems to be one of the original variants. Very thin falls, perhaps with angled tips, can get quite sharp, and there are lots of wild arrangements for people who really like sting... like knotted nylon rope instead of leather, or small plastic or metal barbs on the ends that actually Could cut skin. Leather is not the only material used, and one of the most beautiful floggers I've seen was made from linked chain. This site will give you lots of visual examples. Peruse all of the categories at will!

This is another site with beautiful craftsmanship and great explanations, and which particularly mentions balancing their floggers. This is very important, as the way a flogger sits into your hand impacts your ability to control it comfortably. There is a style of flogging called Florentine that involved wielding two floggers at once, one in each hand, often in a figure-8 type of motion. I find it Hot to watch and fun to do. With imbalanced floggers, however, it can be torturous!

You can buy floggers at most sex shops that have any kind of kink section, but the best ones (IMHO) are hand made and woven and purchased from the artist.

Most importantly, remember that flogging happens by permission only! Now, go enjoy!


M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - www.mmakaelnewby.com

Dark Odyssey: Winter Fire

Yahoo! It's that time of year again!

I will unavailable for the next several days as I'll be in Washington DC attending Dark Odyssey: Winter Fire, hanging out with good friends and like-minded freaks, living, loving, learning, networking my well-spoken butt-off, promoting my book, and filming two workshops for the Kink Academy. In early March, I'll blog about the experience, who I met, what I learned, etc.

In the meantime - I've just given you some links to check out, haven't I?

Enjoy the adventure,
M


M. Makael Newby, 2010 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

Of Masochists, Bottoms & Submissives

One of the many challenges upon entering the realm of alternative lifestyles is finding out what works for you. Labels are restrictive, and yet human beings tend to exhibit a natural pull to classify life, including people. Yes, it makes conversation faster, like any industry-specific jargon, but in a domain where there are SO many variables, and SO many crossovers, it can be a challenge to find the terms that best suit you.

That is, of course, on top of the challenge of determining what works for you – which regularly includes failure. It often takes something not working to shine the light on what would have worked or will in the future. Those who cannot learn from failure are not well suited to these lifestyles.

Accordingly, let me take a moment to share some of the lifestyle distinctions as I have come to know them, and some of the experiences that have illuminated the differences for me.

Does physical pain excite you sexually? Does a partner with an evil grin and the willingness (or rather, the desire) to hurt you make you hot? If so, you may be masochistic. Those inflicting the pain are sadistic, and they are a wonderful breed of creative evil-doers. I know a particularly evil sadist out northwest who will find out how you enjoy being hurt and then do it in ways you won't enjoy. Needles, knives, canes, whips… heck, hands, pressure points and kitchen implements… sadists are wickedly wonderful fun if you enjoy feeling the pain.

I am not a masochist, nor a sadist. I don't get excited by pain, nor do I enjoy inflicting it, but I love to watch those who do. I suspect that it's very important for sadists to have a rather good understanding of human biology, as they need to know how to hurt you without damaging you. Chew on THAT one for a while!

Okay, so maybe pain isn't your thing, but you'd love to be on the receiving end of the implement anyway. Does the thought of being tied up and spanked send you into La La Land? If it's not spanking, insert the delivery method of your choice. Flogging, punching, wax play, electrical play, sharp things, bondage, etc… all are available to she/he who wants them. If this sounds like fun, you may be a bottom. Tops wield the instruments with the intention of helping their bottoms to achieve an altered state of consciousness, sometimes referred to as "flying" or "subspace". A bottom responds to the physicality of the play as well as some level of connection with the Top.

Maybe you enjoy the implements, or maybe you don't, but what really drives you nuts is being controlled… restrictions on your actions (don't move, don't make a sound), being restrained or teased, being directed or commanded… whatever allows you to know that your partner is absolutely in control. If this is the case, you may be submissive. In my personal situation, if we wrestle and you cannot completely restrain me, forget it. Dominants are the ones who want to be in charge and in control, to varying degrees and the practice is known by the acronym D/s.

If you want to serve your partner – be the maid, do chores for him/her, take on given responsibilities for the pleasure of knowing that you are contributing to his/her life – you may be a service bottom or service submissive. This is D/s that you can take in a highly mundane direction, make into a kink-fest, or combine in whatever way suits you.

D/s is the dynamic that's most easily taken into public unobtrusively. Many a hot scene can occur when a Dom/Domme has a sub securely under their control. Heck, partner dancing (swing, salsa, ballroom, tango, etc.), given the leading and following aspect, is an excellent example of public D/s. Even remotely controlled vibrating panties, while certainly a fun sex-toy, can fall under the category of D/s as one party is in control of the other's physical sensation. Bedtime curfews are a common D/s form. Think about it.

Of course, submission must be given willingly, and all of these lifestyles fall into the domain of safe, sane, and consensual (SSC) or risk-aware consensual kink (RACK). But what if you like… both? That's called switching, or being switchy. Switches go both ways (not necessarily sexually). They top sometimes and bottom others, or they dominate some people and submit to others. Couples who are both switches sometimes have to negotiate who's going to be in which position at which time!

Switches aren't the only ones who play both sides. Some submissives also bottom, some top, and some tops are also sadistic. There are as many varieties, definitions and degrees as there are people to experience them. I am submissive and I can bottom, but bottoming isn't going to get me hot. The hottest scene I ever had involved being tied up and restrained in public, spanked and flogged – all of which is bottoming. What worked for me though was the physical proximity of my partner while spanking me, and the knowledge that I had disappointed him (by disrespecting my curfew). THAT is D/s. I eventually broke down and cried, giving up the last bit of my resistance (which takes a lot for me), and it was the hottest, most emotionally fulfilling scene I've ever had. Who knew?

In all of these dynamics, negotiation is very important. You cannot get upset at someone for crossing a boundary about which you did not inform them. (Well, you can, but it'll get you nowhere good.) It is therefore of utmost importance to share with a potential partner what turns you on, what turns you off, hard limits they must not test, things you've never done but are willing to try out. This level of communication is one of the most attractive aspects of "The Lifestyle."*

Nonetheless, situations are sure to arise that you didn't anticipate, and boundaries will show up about which you were unaware. Most players use a system of safe words – often green for go, yellow for caution, and red for full and immediate stop – that allows the receiver to communicate his/her comfort level in a completely clear manner. Let's face it – in this scene, screaming No and Stop loses its meaning! The willingness to forgive mistakes, and to look deeply into your own physical, mental and emotional workings is imperative. I find this aspect of these lifestyles to be the most interesting and rewarding.

That said, to learn more, go to Google, baby. These days your can search and find just about anything anywhere. I will say that, given the variety of kink, fetish, and alternate proclivity in The Lifestyle, the people I've met there are some of the most accepting people ever. Your thing may not work for me (the term Squick specifically means some activity or preference that creeps you out big time, EX: "needles squick me"), but given MY methods, who am I to judge yours? It's all about self-discovery and expression, people. So go, find out what suits you, and have at it!

• For my purposes, The Lifestyle includes all alternative sexuality lifestyles – polyamory, swinging, all BDSM arenas (Sadism/Masochism, Bondage & Discipline, Dominance/submission), and others of which I may not be aware.

M. Makael Newby, 2009 - All Rights Reserved