It occurred to me just after posting my last entry that it might be valuable to point out some challenges of open relationships. I didn't mention them at first due to the fact that hubby and I are new to this! Certain experiences have yet to cross our paths. Nonetheless, it's likely that at some point...
One of us will fall in love with someone else, and both of us will have to deal with that. Neither one of us has yet been through what I'm thinking of as 'third-wheel NRE (New Relationship Energy)' - where he's in love with someone else, and I'm the third wheel, for example. He's not yet come home talking non-stop about another women, but it's likely to happen sometime.
One of us will feel like we're not getting enough attention, affection or time from the other. Right now, I'm the one who gives approval for him to go on a date, and vice versa. It's predictable that that level of control will diminish as we get used to sharing each other, and as demands from other partners increase. At some point, one of us is likely to feel slighted and have to make some powerful requests accordingly.
One of us will not WANT to keep our agreements, or give the other what's been requested! 'But I'm having so much fun with him, and now you want me to spend the Whole Next Week only with you? Wanh!' Chances are that one of us will have to manage a frustration when what we've agreed to do or give no longer feels like a good idea.
One of our relationships will end, and both partners will have to deal with it. NRE happens when a relationship starts. What's the term when a poly relationship ends? I count my blessing that both he and I are so responsible with our emotions - chances are that we'll be able to maintain friendships with our future exes as we already do with past ones. But there's still an amount of grieving that occurs when a relationship ends - something that brought me joy, for example, is now gone, and that's a loss. I can pretty much guarantee that one of us will experience grief, and the other will have to navigate "my partner is grieving, but I'm still here, but he/she's still grieving," etc.
None of these situations are good, nor are they bad. They are simply some challenges that to me appear unique to open relationships. Are they insurmountable? No. Are they 'growth opportunities?' Yes! Are they the reason that some couples end their open relationships? Yes.
I like to think that we're ahead of the game just by knowing that this stuff is likely to occur. So, when it does, we can say, "Oh yep. Here's that frustration that I knew would show up! Now, how shall we deal with this...?"
M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com
Showing posts with label upset. Show all posts
Showing posts with label upset. Show all posts
Monday, March 28, 2011
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
The Theory of Universal Release
This is a very interesting time in my life. I seem to be receiving certain messages from the universe. One is that even people who are only in my life for a few days can make huge contributions, and I need to simply have faith in my dreams. (see Example 2 below)
The other is what I'm calling the Theory of Universal Release.
It goes like this:
Only when you've released all attachment to a person or an outcome is there any space for them/it to show up.
No, I'm not the first person to have this thought, it is found throughout various spiritual readings and texts, and would be consistent with certain distinctions at Landmark Education. It is also consistent with the reading I've done of quantum physics regarding how women's thoughts impact their environment. Nonetheless, I'll put it forth here for your consideration...
Example 1: The Photo Shoot
I've been trying to coordinate a photo shoot for the last few months - photographer, make-up and hair artist, location, date, etc. The last two became the challenges. For the whole month of October we've been waiting to hear from the owner of the chosen location in order to schedule a date. My emails to the photographer kept bouncing back even, and it felt like it would never happen.
“Fine,” I say finally, “maybe this just isn't supposed to happen right now. I give up. It'll happen next year, or not, and I'll just focus on the rest of my life.”
One hour later the photographer emails me - My server was down, we're set for this Sunday. Okay then, let's go...!
Example 2: The Disappearing Friend
Great guy - we meet, hit it off to the extreme, clicking on all cylinders, and I'm totally thrown by how easy it is between us. Neither of us expected this! Now I'm not saying he's The One, but he comes damn close, and it sure is fun just sharing certain conversations together. We spend a few days largely together, but plans fall through for Saturday night - family obligations, late friends, etc. And then... he's gone. No emails, no texts, no response to voicemails.
GONE. Out of existence completely. Now, I know I did nothing wrong, so it wasn't me, but this is weird. I try to be cool - give him space to be wherever he is mentally and emotionally, and physically (did he go out of town?) - and eventually get to this...
“Fine,” I say, “this just wasn't supposed to happen now after all. Thank you, Universe, for the experience of what it will be like to date a funny, clever, intelligent, passionate, caring, handsome, spiritual, enlightened, transformed man with whom the chemistry is HOT, who takes care of his body, loves to dance, shares my sexual inclinations, loves all of my animals and adores me! Thank you for the opportunity. Someday the right man will come along.”
One hour later he calls - “I was out of town unexpectedly, going through an emotional family time.” Amazing.
He cut that call short to take a work call, and has since disappeared again. I'm back to RE-releasing... The right person for me would be calling me back, so no problem. I am committed that the friendship survive in some manner.
Example 3: Dr. D's Smile
Dr. D has been waffling on the thought of getting veneers for a few years now. She says she wants them, then she doesn't. She doesn't want to close her gap, but she thinks my doctor (her dentist) does. When last we spoke, she told me she didn't want to do it. Yesterday she was scheduled to come in for a cleaning and my doc raised the question about her veneers.
“Look,” I say, “she told me she doesn't want it. Let's remove all pressure from her. WE will not bring it up ever again unless SHE initiates the conversation, and if she does - let's make sure it's because SHE wants it, not to please US.”
She walks in 30 minutes later with photos in hand - “Here's what I want, and can you complete the work before Christmas?”
So, basically, the moment that I get responsible for my feelings and give other people the freedom to think, feel, or be however They choose... the world alters.
The challenge now is to apply this to money, eh? Where am I trying to force the issue with money? Where am I attached to money in my life - the answer seems to be “Everywhere.” And yet I know that if I can release my emotional attachment to money... thank it for what it makes possible and release it from being responsible for my emotions and circumstances... the way will be made for it to show up in my life.
Yeah, I'm still working on that one!
M. Makael Newby, 2008 - All Rights Reserved
The other is what I'm calling the Theory of Universal Release.
It goes like this:
Only when you've released all attachment to a person or an outcome is there any space for them/it to show up.
No, I'm not the first person to have this thought, it is found throughout various spiritual readings and texts, and would be consistent with certain distinctions at Landmark Education. It is also consistent with the reading I've done of quantum physics regarding how women's thoughts impact their environment. Nonetheless, I'll put it forth here for your consideration...
Example 1: The Photo Shoot
I've been trying to coordinate a photo shoot for the last few months - photographer, make-up and hair artist, location, date, etc. The last two became the challenges. For the whole month of October we've been waiting to hear from the owner of the chosen location in order to schedule a date. My emails to the photographer kept bouncing back even, and it felt like it would never happen.
“Fine,” I say finally, “maybe this just isn't supposed to happen right now. I give up. It'll happen next year, or not, and I'll just focus on the rest of my life.”
One hour later the photographer emails me - My server was down, we're set for this Sunday. Okay then, let's go...!
Example 2: The Disappearing Friend
Great guy - we meet, hit it off to the extreme, clicking on all cylinders, and I'm totally thrown by how easy it is between us. Neither of us expected this! Now I'm not saying he's The One, but he comes damn close, and it sure is fun just sharing certain conversations together. We spend a few days largely together, but plans fall through for Saturday night - family obligations, late friends, etc. And then... he's gone. No emails, no texts, no response to voicemails.
GONE. Out of existence completely. Now, I know I did nothing wrong, so it wasn't me, but this is weird. I try to be cool - give him space to be wherever he is mentally and emotionally, and physically (did he go out of town?) - and eventually get to this...
“Fine,” I say, “this just wasn't supposed to happen now after all. Thank you, Universe, for the experience of what it will be like to date a funny, clever, intelligent, passionate, caring, handsome, spiritual, enlightened, transformed man with whom the chemistry is HOT, who takes care of his body, loves to dance, shares my sexual inclinations, loves all of my animals and adores me! Thank you for the opportunity. Someday the right man will come along.”
One hour later he calls - “I was out of town unexpectedly, going through an emotional family time.” Amazing.
He cut that call short to take a work call, and has since disappeared again. I'm back to RE-releasing... The right person for me would be calling me back, so no problem. I am committed that the friendship survive in some manner.
Example 3: Dr. D's Smile
Dr. D has been waffling on the thought of getting veneers for a few years now. She says she wants them, then she doesn't. She doesn't want to close her gap, but she thinks my doctor (her dentist) does. When last we spoke, she told me she didn't want to do it. Yesterday she was scheduled to come in for a cleaning and my doc raised the question about her veneers.
“Look,” I say, “she told me she doesn't want it. Let's remove all pressure from her. WE will not bring it up ever again unless SHE initiates the conversation, and if she does - let's make sure it's because SHE wants it, not to please US.”
She walks in 30 minutes later with photos in hand - “Here's what I want, and can you complete the work before Christmas?”
So, basically, the moment that I get responsible for my feelings and give other people the freedom to think, feel, or be however They choose... the world alters.
The challenge now is to apply this to money, eh? Where am I trying to force the issue with money? Where am I attached to money in my life - the answer seems to be “Everywhere.” And yet I know that if I can release my emotional attachment to money... thank it for what it makes possible and release it from being responsible for my emotions and circumstances... the way will be made for it to show up in my life.
Yeah, I'm still working on that one!
M. Makael Newby, 2008 - All Rights Reserved
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