There are so many brilliant people in the world these days. Here are some links to several articles, videos and blogs that I've found valuable and entertaining...
"My mind thinks I am lacking - that I need this or that something outside myself in order to be happy. Focusing on that lack - a specific house, a partner, relationships the way I think they should be - means I have attached myself to an outcome. And, therefore, I have set myself up for suffering. ... So how do I shift from the perceived separation of self from world to the idea of non-attachment - the presumably underlying reality? Part of the answer is letting go of the thing I think I must have."
Accordingly, this article shares seven tips for letting go with hope - worth reading!
To Get What You Want, Give Up, Insanely Serene Blog
"It's Gets Better" - Love, Pixar. A message of hope from the employees at Pixar Animation Studios. I dare you to not be moved! (I cried.)
The only thing missing is MY book! I'll have to send Violet a note...
2010's Top Hot Sex Books for Gifting/Coveting
A daily compilation of articles from some reputable sources, bloggers and educators.
The Sexual Freedom Daily
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Monday, April 18, 2011
Relationship Tip - Doing Your Best
In most instances in my life, I give all that I've got. I was raised with a mid-western work ethic, and I've chosen to fill my life with people and responsibilities that inspire me.
Nonetheless, there's a voice within me that says it's never enough. I should be doing more, doing better, seeing greater results, accomplishing more... I could go on. As soon as I get really clear that one of these is a lie, another version pops up to say, "But what about...?"
These are the moments when I cheat myself of the success I've achieved, of who I am for people and the difference that I make in their lives. And in those moments, it helps me to remember that no matter the outward appearance, I'm doing my best.
For example, perhaps I need to have a difficult conversation with someone. I've known this for a week or more. I've scheduled and postponed it repeatedly, and now my inner critic has lots of 'proof' that I'm weak, lazy and a coward. And yet, I'm doing my best.
How is that possibly my best, you might ask? I only need to pick up the phone, dial, and talk. Well, here's the key - my best is judged not only by the actions I take, but by the conditions in which I face them.
It takes courage and strength to deal with our internal critics. Resistance shows up, and at times it feels damn near overwhelming. Past experiences, criticisms, perceived failures and false beliefs rear their heads and try to convince us that taking action will be the death of us! It's much safer to remain immobile.
Getting anything accomplished in this internal environment often takes either a great act of will, the clarity of purpose to act despite apparent risks, or a facility with transformation. Some people can make this shift in mere minutes, others in hours. For some, it may take weeks, months, or years. Nonetheless, I choose to believe, no matter the outward signs of success or lack there of, that we always do our best.
Sure, this gives me some mental freedom, but it makes the greatest difference in my life when I apply it to others.
Perhaps my co-worker is constantly late for work, complains about almost everything, and often leaves tasks undone. I've seen her slam dunk this job and I know that she could perform much better! In this moment, I must remember that she is doing her best.
I have no idea what's truly going on in the rest of her life, what she may be facing with her family or friends, with her community, and most of all - within her own mind and heart. At this time in her life, it may be the best that she can do to be present each day, even if she arrives late; to speak at all, even if she complains; to undertake the tasks she's been assigned, even if she lacks completion.
Is this true? Who knows. Does it excuse her from a level of execution that's below her job requirements? No, and she'll face the consequences with our boss. Business is business. Does it allow me to have a measure of compassion for her? Yes, and that is what makes a difference for us both.
Compassion does not mean excuse - I still need to make that phone call. And yet, if I can be compassionate with myself, and with the person on the other end of the phone, there is a greater likelihood that my resistance will shift, and so will my results.
So be compassionate with those in your lives, and especially with yourselves. You're all doing your best.
M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com
Nonetheless, there's a voice within me that says it's never enough. I should be doing more, doing better, seeing greater results, accomplishing more... I could go on. As soon as I get really clear that one of these is a lie, another version pops up to say, "But what about...?"
These are the moments when I cheat myself of the success I've achieved, of who I am for people and the difference that I make in their lives. And in those moments, it helps me to remember that no matter the outward appearance, I'm doing my best.
For example, perhaps I need to have a difficult conversation with someone. I've known this for a week or more. I've scheduled and postponed it repeatedly, and now my inner critic has lots of 'proof' that I'm weak, lazy and a coward. And yet, I'm doing my best.
How is that possibly my best, you might ask? I only need to pick up the phone, dial, and talk. Well, here's the key - my best is judged not only by the actions I take, but by the conditions in which I face them.
It takes courage and strength to deal with our internal critics. Resistance shows up, and at times it feels damn near overwhelming. Past experiences, criticisms, perceived failures and false beliefs rear their heads and try to convince us that taking action will be the death of us! It's much safer to remain immobile.
Getting anything accomplished in this internal environment often takes either a great act of will, the clarity of purpose to act despite apparent risks, or a facility with transformation. Some people can make this shift in mere minutes, others in hours. For some, it may take weeks, months, or years. Nonetheless, I choose to believe, no matter the outward signs of success or lack there of, that we always do our best.
Sure, this gives me some mental freedom, but it makes the greatest difference in my life when I apply it to others.
Perhaps my co-worker is constantly late for work, complains about almost everything, and often leaves tasks undone. I've seen her slam dunk this job and I know that she could perform much better! In this moment, I must remember that she is doing her best.
I have no idea what's truly going on in the rest of her life, what she may be facing with her family or friends, with her community, and most of all - within her own mind and heart. At this time in her life, it may be the best that she can do to be present each day, even if she arrives late; to speak at all, even if she complains; to undertake the tasks she's been assigned, even if she lacks completion.
Is this true? Who knows. Does it excuse her from a level of execution that's below her job requirements? No, and she'll face the consequences with our boss. Business is business. Does it allow me to have a measure of compassion for her? Yes, and that is what makes a difference for us both.
Compassion does not mean excuse - I still need to make that phone call. And yet, if I can be compassionate with myself, and with the person on the other end of the phone, there is a greater likelihood that my resistance will shift, and so will my results.
So be compassionate with those in your lives, and especially with yourselves. You're all doing your best.
M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Canada's Polygamy Challenge
Canada legalized same-sex marriage in 2005, and now finds itself embroiled in a debate over multiple marriage -- in this case polygamy, the practice of taking more than one wife. The first link discusses the legal and socio-legal issues, the second goes more into detail about the case against the fundamentalist Mormon community of Bountiful in British Columbia. This article from April 4th gives the most recent report of the case.
Of note here is the odd alliance between the Canadian Polyamory Advocacy Association and polygamous Mormon and Muslim sects. While prosecutors make their case that polygamy is related directly to "child brides, trafficked girls, teenage pregnancies and oppressed women," responsible polyamory addresses "the private relations of consenting adults."
Hopefully you can see that these are two very distinct practices with one legal correlation. Hopefully the one will not become inextricably tied to the other.
http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com
Of note here is the odd alliance between the Canadian Polyamory Advocacy Association and polygamous Mormon and Muslim sects. While prosecutors make their case that polygamy is related directly to "child brides, trafficked girls, teenage pregnancies and oppressed women," responsible polyamory addresses "the private relations of consenting adults."
Hopefully you can see that these are two very distinct practices with one legal correlation. Hopefully the one will not become inextricably tied to the other.
http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com
Monday, April 11, 2011
Virginity, Feminism & Publicity: The "Deflowering" of Nicki Blue
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Thursday, April 7, 2011
Sex in Egypt
You think we're stuffy about sex in the USA? Try living in Egypt where even married couples have a hard time discussing sex with each other. No, seriously, to the point where they even avoided the topic during anonymous interviews for a documentary ABOUT sex.
"I couldn't use all the interviews because when they sat in front of the camera, I couldn't get something real out of them. They were going around the issue," says documentary director Amr Bayoumi.
Read more...
http://www.cnn.com/2010/WORLD/meast/12/15/egypt.sex.film/
"I couldn't use all the interviews because when they sat in front of the camera, I couldn't get something real out of them. They were going around the issue," says documentary director Amr Bayoumi.
Read more...
http://www.cnn.com/2010/WORLD/meast/12/15/egypt.sex.film/
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Bliss
Several months ago, I came across a movie from 1997 entitled Bliss. (I actually thought it was from 2007. Imagine my surprise when those huge, chunky mobile phones came into view!) The film begins on a young couple's wedding day and follows them through a year or more of a challenging marriage, and into the world of tantra as a form of sexual healing.
While it's not an Oscar-contender by any means, it was enjoyable, and worth watching. I found it to be a fairly good layman's introduction to some of the practices of tantra, such as presence in the moment, and some of the tools of sexual tantra like breath work, eye-gazing, and the separation of ejaculation and orgasm.
There seem to be as many different styles and types of tantra as there are of yoga. One could oversimplify them into the categories of White Tantra, which is an entirely non-sexual tantra; Pink Tantra, which brings in elements of sensuality; and Red Tantra, the intentionally sexual variety demonstrated in the film.
There are those of the opinion that tantra has become too focused on the sexual, and that this is a disservice. Consider this my disclaimer in the matter: This film is not an indication of all that the wide-realm of tantra has to offer. But it IS a good film that deals with an interesting relationship challenge and provides a good introduction to sexual tantra. I refer you to Sacred Sexual Healing by Baba Dez Nichols and Kamala Devi for more practical information about these three paths and using them in your life.
You can rent it through Netflix or request it at your local video joint. I recommend it for the curious!
M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com
While it's not an Oscar-contender by any means, it was enjoyable, and worth watching. I found it to be a fairly good layman's introduction to some of the practices of tantra, such as presence in the moment, and some of the tools of sexual tantra like breath work, eye-gazing, and the separation of ejaculation and orgasm.
There seem to be as many different styles and types of tantra as there are of yoga. One could oversimplify them into the categories of White Tantra, which is an entirely non-sexual tantra; Pink Tantra, which brings in elements of sensuality; and Red Tantra, the intentionally sexual variety demonstrated in the film.
There are those of the opinion that tantra has become too focused on the sexual, and that this is a disservice. Consider this my disclaimer in the matter: This film is not an indication of all that the wide-realm of tantra has to offer. But it IS a good film that deals with an interesting relationship challenge and provides a good introduction to sexual tantra. I refer you to Sacred Sexual Healing by Baba Dez Nichols and Kamala Devi for more practical information about these three paths and using them in your life.
You can rent it through Netflix or request it at your local video joint. I recommend it for the curious!
M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Open Dating?
A high-school friend of mine saw my post about open relationships, and asked some questions. He's single, but thinks that dating with the intention of monogamy may not suit him. At least, it hasn't worked well so far. Let's take a look at the alternatives to traditional dating...
Traditional dating tends to be a period of time during which people have fun together, get to know each other, and determine if there is enough interest, chemistry, and/or compatibility to pursue a monogamous future together. But what if monogamy is not your goal?
I recommend that you be clear about that within the first two or three dates, if not during the very first one. If you don't ever see yourself committing to one single partner, your date deserves to know that, bearing in mind that your opinion could change. It could, and she should know that it may not.
If you intend to "date" more than one person at a time, it's up to you whether or not you out that fact to your dates. Dating doesn't have to be exclusive. It's totally valid to spend time with and enjoy multiple partners without an "it's only you" commitment. This gets trickier once you involve sex in the mix, as many people falsely associate sexual intimacy with an increased level of commitment.
Thus, if you intend to be sexually intimate with more than one partner at a time, clue them in to this little factoid BEFORE you engage in any bodily-fluid-swapping contact. I also highly recommend that you get yourself tested for STIs, know your partners' health statuses, and use barriers, like condoms and/or dental dams. Your dates deserve the right to NOT share you with other partners, so give them the chance to say No. Only when they have the opportunity to give you a full-informed No can they also give you a fully-informed Yes.
"Is there a relationship of sorts or is it strictly sexual?" he asks.
That entirely depends on what you and your partners want! You may choose to date several people for the purpose of having fun and sharing companionship, and date several other for the purpose of fulfilling sexual needs and desires. Or there may be cross-over... some dates are sexual, others are not. There is no right answer, or one right way, and you get to create your dating life in the way that inspires you!
"What is the other person usually seeking?"
That depends on the person. There are a lot of polyamorous people on OKCupid, for example. Some of them (like my husband) are looking for additional sexual friendships, and others (like me) are interested in adding new significantly romantic, emotional, and sexual relationships. The key is to know what YOU want, and then look for people who also want that.
"Is the other party typically single or are they married? If married what if the partner is cheating on their spouse? (Personal note: I don't condone that.)"
It could be either! I'm about to date a single man, who's also dating a female friend of mine, and I went on a lovely date last week with her husband. LOL! Thank goodness we're all mature adults! My husband is also enjoying a sexual friendship with a married woman, whose husband fell in love with someone else. Single or married - you could go either way.
I choose not to date (or fuck) people who are cheating on their spouses. I'm a very public person, and I'm not willing to expend the energy to Hide anything. AND, some married people feel that cheating is the only way to meet their physical needs while maintaining a happy marriage with their spouses. That's their call, not mine.
The key here? Know your own limits, and honor them.
That said, sometimes people lie. I received a call once from the wife of a man I thought was single... and wasn't that awkward?! Just do your best!
"Are there limitations or restrictions?"
Of course - I am limited to and restricted by my agreements with my husband. EX: If we have an agreement that oral sex on the first date is okay but penetrative intercourse is not - that's a limitation. Having intercourse on the first date would thus be considered Cheating.
My partners are also limited by my agreements with my husband, as they also have to walk that same line. NOTE: If I don't tell the truth about my agreements, and say Stop or No when I've agreed to stop, that's on ME - not them. They are not at fault if I break an agreement, or if we cross a line that I didn't know was a trigger for my spouse.
That said, if she tells you she can not have sex with you tonight, and then, after making out and getting all hot and bothered, says that it'll really be okay, really... Tough as it may be, I'd suggest that you honor her original response and politely decline. Leave her wanting more rather than potentially stepping across that boundary. Do not give her, or her spouse, the opening to blame YOU for her unwillingness to honor her agreements.
Ya get me? It's not worth the potential mess. If she wants you that much, she'll come back.
"Are they friends of the marriage/relationship or is it best kept separate?"
Again, that entirely depends! I know people who prefer a very private kind of poly... "You know that I'm going out with someone else, and that's all you need to know." My husband and I both prefer a very community-style type of poly... his new fuck-buddy is a developing girlfriend of mine, and he has met (and approved) both of the men I've gone out with. I could totally see us going out on a double-date sometime and having a blast! But would our dates be comfortable with that? Their preferences also matter.
It's important that your style matches with your partners. I would feel very left out if my hubby refused to tell me about his dates, or refused to let me meet and enjoy his new partners. And someone who prefers privacy could feel very confronted by being forced to meet their loved one's other partners.
So talk about it! Ask questions. Pose some What If's, and How would you feel If's. Do your best to know yourself, accept yourself, and start opening yourself to others, and remember - life is an adventure, right? There's no one way to ride that bull, so get out there and have some fun!
M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com
Traditional dating tends to be a period of time during which people have fun together, get to know each other, and determine if there is enough interest, chemistry, and/or compatibility to pursue a monogamous future together. But what if monogamy is not your goal?
I recommend that you be clear about that within the first two or three dates, if not during the very first one. If you don't ever see yourself committing to one single partner, your date deserves to know that, bearing in mind that your opinion could change. It could, and she should know that it may not.
If you intend to "date" more than one person at a time, it's up to you whether or not you out that fact to your dates. Dating doesn't have to be exclusive. It's totally valid to spend time with and enjoy multiple partners without an "it's only you" commitment. This gets trickier once you involve sex in the mix, as many people falsely associate sexual intimacy with an increased level of commitment.
Thus, if you intend to be sexually intimate with more than one partner at a time, clue them in to this little factoid BEFORE you engage in any bodily-fluid-swapping contact. I also highly recommend that you get yourself tested for STIs, know your partners' health statuses, and use barriers, like condoms and/or dental dams. Your dates deserve the right to NOT share you with other partners, so give them the chance to say No. Only when they have the opportunity to give you a full-informed No can they also give you a fully-informed Yes.
"Is there a relationship of sorts or is it strictly sexual?" he asks.
That entirely depends on what you and your partners want! You may choose to date several people for the purpose of having fun and sharing companionship, and date several other for the purpose of fulfilling sexual needs and desires. Or there may be cross-over... some dates are sexual, others are not. There is no right answer, or one right way, and you get to create your dating life in the way that inspires you!
"What is the other person usually seeking?"
That depends on the person. There are a lot of polyamorous people on OKCupid, for example. Some of them (like my husband) are looking for additional sexual friendships, and others (like me) are interested in adding new significantly romantic, emotional, and sexual relationships. The key is to know what YOU want, and then look for people who also want that.
"Is the other party typically single or are they married? If married what if the partner is cheating on their spouse? (Personal note: I don't condone that.)"
It could be either! I'm about to date a single man, who's also dating a female friend of mine, and I went on a lovely date last week with her husband. LOL! Thank goodness we're all mature adults! My husband is also enjoying a sexual friendship with a married woman, whose husband fell in love with someone else. Single or married - you could go either way.
I choose not to date (or fuck) people who are cheating on their spouses. I'm a very public person, and I'm not willing to expend the energy to Hide anything. AND, some married people feel that cheating is the only way to meet their physical needs while maintaining a happy marriage with their spouses. That's their call, not mine.
The key here? Know your own limits, and honor them.
That said, sometimes people lie. I received a call once from the wife of a man I thought was single... and wasn't that awkward?! Just do your best!
"Are there limitations or restrictions?"
Of course - I am limited to and restricted by my agreements with my husband. EX: If we have an agreement that oral sex on the first date is okay but penetrative intercourse is not - that's a limitation. Having intercourse on the first date would thus be considered Cheating.
My partners are also limited by my agreements with my husband, as they also have to walk that same line. NOTE: If I don't tell the truth about my agreements, and say Stop or No when I've agreed to stop, that's on ME - not them. They are not at fault if I break an agreement, or if we cross a line that I didn't know was a trigger for my spouse.
That said, if she tells you she can not have sex with you tonight, and then, after making out and getting all hot and bothered, says that it'll really be okay, really... Tough as it may be, I'd suggest that you honor her original response and politely decline. Leave her wanting more rather than potentially stepping across that boundary. Do not give her, or her spouse, the opening to blame YOU for her unwillingness to honor her agreements.
Ya get me? It's not worth the potential mess. If she wants you that much, she'll come back.
"Are they friends of the marriage/relationship or is it best kept separate?"
Again, that entirely depends! I know people who prefer a very private kind of poly... "You know that I'm going out with someone else, and that's all you need to know." My husband and I both prefer a very community-style type of poly... his new fuck-buddy is a developing girlfriend of mine, and he has met (and approved) both of the men I've gone out with. I could totally see us going out on a double-date sometime and having a blast! But would our dates be comfortable with that? Their preferences also matter.
It's important that your style matches with your partners. I would feel very left out if my hubby refused to tell me about his dates, or refused to let me meet and enjoy his new partners. And someone who prefers privacy could feel very confronted by being forced to meet their loved one's other partners.
So talk about it! Ask questions. Pose some What If's, and How would you feel If's. Do your best to know yourself, accept yourself, and start opening yourself to others, and remember - life is an adventure, right? There's no one way to ride that bull, so get out there and have some fun!
M. Makael Newby, 2011 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com
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