Ultimate Fellatio Inquiry #1 - Learning, Part 1

Part 1 - When and how did you learn to give a blow job?

Initially, I could say that I learned around the age of 11 from the descriptions in Playboy Magazine and the Penthouse Forum, followed up by cherished and guilty glimpses of Cinemax and other late-night cable movies, but there's nothing like putting theory into practice.

My first BJ happened in the back of a car - what car? I don't even remember. What guy? Aw shucks, I don't remember that either! What I do know is that it was during the Spring semester of my Senior year in high school and I was 17. He had been in my Shakespeare class the previous semester, and had graduated early, so I rarely saw him anymore.

There was a good deal of drama involved in how I attended Rocky Horror Picture Show with my girlfriends one Saturday night and ended up alone with him in his car at 4 AM on Sunday, but I was happy to be there. He was smart, nice, cute, and he chose me - that was all I needed.

I remember being nervous, wondering if I'd actually know what to do, but he unzipped his pants, pulled out his phallus, and ... there he was. Instinct took over once he guided me into position, and I honestly can't remember the rest! I know that he was surprised at my enthusiasm and skill, that I had fun, and that he thoroughly enjoyed it. Did he cum? Did I swallow? I can't recall, but it was worth facing the parents when I got home at 6 AM.

In other areas of sexual expression I was less fortunate. I was lucky to have some very patient partners who guided me, encouraged me, and taught me that my pleasure was valuable to them. Without them I would be an uncertain, unfulfilled, and repressed woman today.

In Part 2 we'll discuss sexual learning and societal expectation.

When and where and how did you learn to give a blow job?


M. Makael Newby, 2009 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

Ultimate Fellatio Tip #2 - Sensual Texture

This is the second of a series of posts discussing tips & tricks from my Ultimate Fellatio workshop. Enjoy!

What is the experience of a blow job for the receiver? As a woman, I'm very aware of what I'm doing, but I can never fully know exactly how it feels to my partner. I can, however, know how my partner feels it.

He has physical sensation through the way that I touch him - the pressure I apply, the way I move my hands, the heat of my mouth, the texture of my tongue. But there are other avenues of sensation - sensual textures as I call them - that can create a more complete session. Here are four suggestions for creating a full experience.

• Eye Contact - From the first moment you decide to share this experience, eye contact can be very hot. You can use flirty eyes, nasty eyes, demanding eyes - anything you choose to express yourself while your mouth is full. Sometimes it hurts my eyes to try to look up at his face while my mouth is occupied below, but the response is worth it. (Unless you are not allowed to make eye contact, in which case the hotness comes from obeying the rules.)

• Moaning - The act of moaning creates vibrations in your mouth and lips that he can certainly feel. It doesn't get much simpler than that!
  

• Slurpy Sounds - Giving great head is not usually consistent with looking pretty while you do it. The same goes for 'sounding' pretty. Let yourself make some noise - let him hear that you're enjoying it. Be sloppy - I mean, slurpy!

• Full-bodied Touch - Use both hands all over his body. Certainly you'll likely have one around his dick, and sometimes two, but there are many other areas of his body to stimulate as well - nipples to pinch, ass cheeks to grab, hands to hold, thighs and hips to squeeze... Expanding the realm of your touch makes the blow job more of a full-bodied experience - and who doesn't want that? (Think not? Ask him! And then do what He wants, not what I say.)

Of course there are foods and perfumes, scented candles and flavored syrups that can be used to add smell and taste, but I don't generally mention them because you'd have to liberate a hand to pick them up and manipulate them, taking you somewhat away from the task at hand. (Literally, ha ha!)

What other ways do you use to enhance the sensual BJ experience for your partner? If you have other suggestions for the senses of smell and taste, I'd particularly love to hear them!


M. Makael Newby, 2009 - All Rights Reserved - http://mmakaelnewby.blogspot.com

Ultimate Fellatio Tip #1 - Anticipation

This is the first of a series of posts discussing tips & tricks from my Ultimate Fellatio workshop. Enjoy!

When does a blow job begin? When his dick is in your mouth? When you unzip his pants? How about the moment that you decide to blow him?

Anticipation can be used to enhance the entire experience. Our brains are our most developed sex organs, right? Let's use them. Here are four methods for creating anticipation with your partner.

• The Verbal Tease - Call him at work and tell him what you'd like to do tonight. Send him off with a "note in his lunchbox." Deliver naughty thoughts by text message before your date. If you're feeling really impish, tell him how wet you are just imagining... allow yourself to get graphic. Anyway you work it, your blow job can begin hours before flesh meets flesh. And besides, he's likely to have a very special day with something specific to look forward to!

• Bringing the Heat - Take that sigh of relief and turn it into the hot breath of promise. While he's still clothed - belt buckled, pants zipped - caress your way from shoulders to hips. Place your wide-open mouth over his crotch, right up against his pants, and exhale fully, following the bulge of his hidden assets. He will see your head in his lap, feel the moist warmth of your breath, and imagine what's to come.

• Look Ma! No Hands! - Challenge yourself to remove his belt, pants, and underwear (unless hes going commando) with only your lips, tongue and teeth. It draws out the foreplay, and lets him watch you struggle in your desire to please him. If you're really into the power dynamic, he can hold your wrists while you work. If he gets impatient, rip his clothes off!
  

• Everything But... - Before you remove his underwear, run the tip of your tongue along and just underneath the waistband. Run your hands up his legs and under his boxers or briefs caressing his hips, legs, thighs, ass and abdomen, but always stopping short of touching his balls or penis. The more you avoid touching his cock, the more he'll want it, and when you finally DO it will be worth the wait.
  

Use these techniques and you will truly blow his mind!


M. Makael Newby, 2009 - All Rights Reserved

Honoring the Agreement

This is the first of three videos from my Non-Monogamy for the Novice workshop, this one discussing the difference between cheating and functional non-monogamy. Though honoring the agreement with your partner is here addressed within the context of a non-monogamous relationship, you'll find that it applies to any relationship of value.

What has been your experience with broken agreements? Was the honor restored, and if so, how?

BDSM: Why I Top & Submit

When considering roles within the BDSM scene, it is easy to explain what I enjoy in each one physically. I am a dancer and so there is a rhythmic action in flogging, particularly Florentine, that I truly enjoy. It is an artistic physical expression, and Topping is the only way I experience it.

Regarding my submission, it is simple enough to say that I love the feel of a hand knotted against my scalp, the force of a punch as it throws me forward, the way the impact resonates through my frame. But are those sensations enough to justify what it takes to live in this lifestyle? I am much more interested in the WHY of these roles. What do I get out of it? The physicality is a momentary experience... what do I experience that stays with me over time and makes me want more?

I Top for the contribution and for the head-space. When I Top, I lose connection with the outside world. My environment contracts to contain only the space between me and my bottom. I become so completely focused on his experience that I actually cease to be a concern. I disappear, and for one who spends too much time trapped in her own active mind and swirling thoughts, that is miraculous. I get to serve my subject's needs, be a contribution to his desires, and disappear my ego for an hour. And I look hot doing it. It's a win-win situation.

My submission shows up in radically different ways. It can be as simple as sitting at my fiance's feet with my face against his knee and his hand in my hair. I love being useful and appreciated, so bringing him a drink, bringing over people he wants to meet, and myriad other small services are enjoyable for me. I was actually surprised by how much I enjoyed making dinner for him, doing his laundry, etc. this summer! I don't know why - it makes complete sense when I stop to think about it.

I suspect that I would make a wonderfully devoted "pet" (we haven't yet taken it that far), and that part of my desire ties in easily with sexual urges to please and be of service. I like knowing that I provide something of value for him, that he enjoys having me his way, even if I don't always enjoy it. On the other hand, my expression of submission can be as intense as allowing myself to be restrained and "beaten" until I cry, and then some more. That goes to Why I submit. Certainly there is the service aspect of submitting to an intense physical scene, that my partner needs to express himself that way and I get to be the canvas. I provide an outlet, and that is service. A Dominant who will beat me solely for my desire is not enough, I want a partner who's needs correspond with my own... a partnership.

Additionally, I've discovered that I live in a paradigm which says that if I CAN be strong, in control, and powerful then I MUST be so. There is little room for failure in this paradigm. I'm not saying it's always in play, or that it works particularly well when it is, but this is an over-arching theme in my experience of my life.

When I am restrained and beaten there is no way out. I am no longer responsible in the moment for Getting Out, as that option has been removed, although it does take me a period of resistance to accept that finality. Being restrained and beaten, particularly by one for whom I care, gives me permission to be weak & powerless, to relinquish control and to surrender in ways that I am rarely, if ever, able to access in my daily life. It provides a HUGE emotional release that I crave, and which leaves me in a space of surrendered gratitude for days after and is remembered for years. That part of my life has nothing to do with sex (so far!), but it is something that balances me for a time, and something I qualify as a Need.

Would I like to find a way of achieving this release without the need for a partner in the process? Heck yes, but this way has not yet been revealed. Would I still choose to submit if I did not need it for this release? Yes, I believe that I will always wish to serve in some respect or another.

The challenge now resides in finding the ways in which his domination and my submission fit together, or don't fit, and creating a loving, satisfying, working relationship for us both! So far, so good.


M. Makael Newby, 2009 - All Rights Reserved

Of Masochists, Bottoms & Submissives

One of the many challenges upon entering the realm of alternative lifestyles is finding out what works for you. Labels are restrictive, and yet human beings tend to exhibit a natural pull to classify life, including people. Yes, it makes conversation faster, like any industry-specific jargon, but in a domain where there are SO many variables, and SO many crossovers, it can be a challenge to find the terms that best suit you.

That is, of course, on top of the challenge of determining what works for you – which regularly includes failure. It often takes something not working to shine the light on what would have worked or will in the future. Those who cannot learn from failure are not well suited to these lifestyles.

Accordingly, let me take a moment to share some of the lifestyle distinctions as I have come to know them, and some of the experiences that have illuminated the differences for me.

Does physical pain excite you sexually? Does a partner with an evil grin and the willingness (or rather, the desire) to hurt you make you hot? If so, you may be masochistic. Those inflicting the pain are sadistic, and they are a wonderful breed of creative evil-doers. I know a particularly evil sadist out northwest who will find out how you enjoy being hurt and then do it in ways you won't enjoy. Needles, knives, canes, whips… heck, hands, pressure points and kitchen implements… sadists are wickedly wonderful fun if you enjoy feeling the pain.

I am not a masochist, nor a sadist. I don't get excited by pain, nor do I enjoy inflicting it, but I love to watch those who do. I suspect that it's very important for sadists to have a rather good understanding of human biology, as they need to know how to hurt you without damaging you. Chew on THAT one for a while!

Okay, so maybe pain isn't your thing, but you'd love to be on the receiving end of the implement anyway. Does the thought of being tied up and spanked send you into La La Land? If it's not spanking, insert the delivery method of your choice. Flogging, punching, wax play, electrical play, sharp things, bondage, etc… all are available to she/he who wants them. If this sounds like fun, you may be a bottom. Tops wield the instruments with the intention of helping their bottoms to achieve an altered state of consciousness, sometimes referred to as "flying" or "subspace". A bottom responds to the physicality of the play as well as some level of connection with the Top.

Maybe you enjoy the implements, or maybe you don't, but what really drives you nuts is being controlled… restrictions on your actions (don't move, don't make a sound), being restrained or teased, being directed or commanded… whatever allows you to know that your partner is absolutely in control. If this is the case, you may be submissive. In my personal situation, if we wrestle and you cannot completely restrain me, forget it. Dominants are the ones who want to be in charge and in control, to varying degrees and the practice is known by the acronym D/s.

If you want to serve your partner – be the maid, do chores for him/her, take on given responsibilities for the pleasure of knowing that you are contributing to his/her life – you may be a service bottom or service submissive. This is D/s that you can take in a highly mundane direction, make into a kink-fest, or combine in whatever way suits you.

D/s is the dynamic that's most easily taken into public unobtrusively. Many a hot scene can occur when a Dom/Domme has a sub securely under their control. Heck, partner dancing (swing, salsa, ballroom, tango, etc.), given the leading and following aspect, is an excellent example of public D/s. Even remotely controlled vibrating panties, while certainly a fun sex-toy, can fall under the category of D/s as one party is in control of the other's physical sensation. Bedtime curfews are a common D/s form. Think about it.

Of course, submission must be given willingly, and all of these lifestyles fall into the domain of safe, sane, and consensual (SSC) or risk-aware consensual kink (RACK). But what if you like… both? That's called switching, or being switchy. Switches go both ways (not necessarily sexually). They top sometimes and bottom others, or they dominate some people and submit to others. Couples who are both switches sometimes have to negotiate who's going to be in which position at which time!

Switches aren't the only ones who play both sides. Some submissives also bottom, some top, and some tops are also sadistic. There are as many varieties, definitions and degrees as there are people to experience them. I am submissive and I can bottom, but bottoming isn't going to get me hot. The hottest scene I ever had involved being tied up and restrained in public, spanked and flogged – all of which is bottoming. What worked for me though was the physical proximity of my partner while spanking me, and the knowledge that I had disappointed him (by disrespecting my curfew). THAT is D/s. I eventually broke down and cried, giving up the last bit of my resistance (which takes a lot for me), and it was the hottest, most emotionally fulfilling scene I've ever had. Who knew?

In all of these dynamics, negotiation is very important. You cannot get upset at someone for crossing a boundary about which you did not inform them. (Well, you can, but it'll get you nowhere good.) It is therefore of utmost importance to share with a potential partner what turns you on, what turns you off, hard limits they must not test, things you've never done but are willing to try out. This level of communication is one of the most attractive aspects of "The Lifestyle."*

Nonetheless, situations are sure to arise that you didn't anticipate, and boundaries will show up about which you were unaware. Most players use a system of safe words – often green for go, yellow for caution, and red for full and immediate stop – that allows the receiver to communicate his/her comfort level in a completely clear manner. Let's face it – in this scene, screaming No and Stop loses its meaning! The willingness to forgive mistakes, and to look deeply into your own physical, mental and emotional workings is imperative. I find this aspect of these lifestyles to be the most interesting and rewarding.

That said, to learn more, go to Google, baby. These days your can search and find just about anything anywhere. I will say that, given the variety of kink, fetish, and alternate proclivity in The Lifestyle, the people I've met there are some of the most accepting people ever. Your thing may not work for me (the term Squick specifically means some activity or preference that creeps you out big time, EX: "needles squick me"), but given MY methods, who am I to judge yours? It's all about self-discovery and expression, people. So go, find out what suits you, and have at it!

• For my purposes, The Lifestyle includes all alternative sexuality lifestyles – polyamory, swinging, all BDSM arenas (Sadism/Masochism, Bondage & Discipline, Dominance/submission), and others of which I may not be aware.

M. Makael Newby, 2009 - All Rights Reserved

Bed (an inspired essay)

Clearly, I am not in one.

I would like to be in one... I'd like to be in yours. I'd like to be curled up against you, feeling you breathe, nestled into the smell of your skin, your hair, the curve of your neck, your chest rising and falling beneath my arm, the solidity of you reminding me that you are . indeed . real.

I can say with certainty that I love who you are. I have no fear of the word Love, I have a commitment to the word Love. I want to take the word Love and explode it into dozens of tiny pieces, each new shape reflecting a different aspect of what it is to be human and to Love. This feeling is too dense for a single word - at any moment it may collapse into a black hole of compounded meaning.

So when I say that I love you, you must listen for the resonance that speaks from soul to soul without words. It will tell you that the world is better with you in it, that I honor and admire you, that I have expanded from having met you, like a blossoming star just awakening to the constellation of its birth. It says that there is Home in you, a stillness I crave, a confidence I own, and possibilities that leave me speechless... over and over again.

Speechless. Is that not the best of communication in action? Language is inadequate to express the many-faceted gem of this emotion, red as a garnet's blood, blue as the melancholy of longing, purpled with frustration, green as barely-closeted desire, bright with joy, deep as the peace of a home-bound heart, and sharp enough to cut. It is a gift borne of you that my words fail.

God's greatest joke indeed, should this be all I ever experience of you, but I would take it and never look back, hold it to my chest until I radiated and shone and was ... what? In your eyes I know that I am Seen. I fall into those eyes each time I hear your voice, your laugh, your whisper (shhhhhhhhh...) and I have come to love the sound of your smile.

Bed. It awaits me, built of the promise that soon I will wake and say, with love, "Good morning, Sir."

M. Makael Newby, 2009 - All Rights Reserved